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This thread was created on July 22, 2008
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Topic ID: 33394
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abhishek87
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 2
Country: India
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 Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:19 am Post subject: yet my dear did not come home! |
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Right above the western horizon,
red was shining the grand old sun,
The winds in the trees made a run,
as trees swayed in rhythm of unison...
yet my dear did not come home!
waters have lost all its heat,
fishes were jumping for people to greet,
children were jumping on their feet,
around the ponds to show their feat...
yet my dear did not come home!
cattle was returning from grazing ground,
air was filled with ruminating sound,
music of flute can be everywhere found,
by the children to whom cattle was bound...
yet my dear did not come home!
vendors have now started their business,
markets lost their sight of peacefulness,
people moved in mood of restlessness,
fairs had filled air of sweet madness...
yet my dear did not come home!
children are coming from schools hopping,
now they started behind moms helping,
men returned from offices after their working
now their body slipped into mood of resting...
yet my dear did not come home!
birds have finally reached their nest
to have their night times rest
to make their crops as the best
farmers finished spraying anti-pest...
yet my dear did not come home!
slowly it started to become dark,
the dogs at strangers started to bark
moon was shining with little grey mark
people were returning home from park...
yet my dear did not come home!
darkness did spread all along,
street-lights till morning shall prolong,
clocks struck eight ding-a-dong,
but I'm alone with this gloomy song...
yet my dear did not come home!
singing the song was grass widow in her way,
no one can ever a word to her could say,
no evening did pass in a mood of gay
singing her song sadly day after day...
yet her dear did not come home! |
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carelessaussie13
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Oct 2006
Posts: 301
Reviews: 160
Country: Wouldn't you like to know
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:35 pm Post subject: |
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This, my friend, is a classic case of a little something I like to call poem-squinching. This means that you're trying to squish a beautiful, expansive poem into this tight little rhyme format that's constricting your style. It's like trying to fit all of a sunset inside a dishwasher. So here's the cure for the tragic illness of poem-squinching: rewrite this baby, but with no rhyme. You can use the same images and the same style, but no rhyme.
Your second line, "red was shining the grand old sun", is a perfect example. There's so much you could do with this! "The brilliant sun was shining red," keeps with the rhythm you established (that doesn't have to change if you like it) and is easier to digest. To be honest, I had to do a little dissecting before i figured out what that line meant. I'd love to get a look at your next draft. PM me with it if if comes along nicely, Okay? I'd like to see you great you can make this.  |
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| This thread was created on July 22, 2008 |
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