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Lullaby
Lullaby

by Meep in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 22, 2008
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When the darkness is your prison
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wizkid515   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 8:16 am    Post subject: When the darkness is your prison Reply with quote

“Chris, hurry up with that potion lad, we have to go soon,” called Chris's wizard master named Kirin.

Chris was upstairs in his small study finishing a potion he had found in a magazine called ‘power serum’. He stirred it with his large spoon, added a small amount of herbs and poured it into a bottle. “Coming,” called Chris as he ran across the landing to his bedroom. The door swung open to admit him into a large square room. Chris He looked through his many robes, “Hey, Kirin which robes do I wear?” he shouted at the top of his lungs.

He heard stomping feet on the stairs case, staircase then the door burst open and Kirin stormed into the room carrying his large oak staff with a red sphere on top and a small gold cap that made a tapping sound on the bottom.

“The midnight blue ones, you should know that!” Kirin said.

Chris quickly located his midnight blue robes and slipped into them. “Get your staff and cloak and hurry up!" Kirin said “By the way Jane will be at the ceremony.” He walked out.

When he had left Chris went to the door and looked out, he was gone. Chris crept over to his dressing table and opened the top draw, drawer inside was a small glass bottle wrapped in a pair of socks. He uncorked it and splashed a little of the aftershave on his chest, he closed the draw and thought “Jane is sure to notice me now”. He grabbed his cloak and staff on the way out.

When he arrived at the ground floor Kirin was waiting impatiently by the door, his staff leaning against the wall. “It’s about time,” he said and strode out in to the courtyard. new line

Chris followed, locking the door behind him. It was a warm day outside with no clouds in sight. “Are we taking brooms or teleporting?” Chris asked as he caught up with Kirin.

“Teleporting, brooms take to long,” Kirin said.

They soon arrived at a line of brick fireplaces built into the side of the garage. “You know what to do,” Kirin said gruffly as he stepped in to the fire place and disappeared.

Chris walked into his fireplace and thought ‘Council of wizarding affairs’. When he opened his eyes he standing in a fireplace built out of solid gold, he stepped out of the fireplace and saw Kirin waiting for him.new line

“Lets go,” Chris said and the two of them joined the huge throng of people. The noise was deafening, people talked on their cell phone, wizards disscused knew spells and somebody had their iPod turned up so loud every body everybody could hear it playing ‘What a Witch Wants’. Everybody was heading for the many twisting staircases that moved by themselves up and down to different floors of the building.

When they arrived at the stair cases, Kirin and Chris went over to a stair case with a sign that said ‘Council Chamber’. Next to the sign stood a man wearing a uniform that made him look like a hotel bellboy, “Pass please sir,” he said. Kirin showed him a small plastic card and climbed on to the staircase, Chris done the same and when he was on the stair case there was a hum and the stairs sped downward towards the council.

There was a small ‘ding’ when the stairs reached the right level. Chris and Kirin hurried down the passage. At the end of the passage was a small keyhole where the door should have been a door. “Where is that key?” Kirin murmured as he searched through his pockets, finally he drew out a gold key and slipped into the lock which activated a hidden portal and zapped them instantly to Kirin’s balcony. Chris had been here lots of times but it still took his breath away. The council chambers had been built like a beehive. Instead of honey comb shapes though, it had balconies. Rows upon rows of balconies, there was one for every council member. At the end of the room was a larger balcony for the high chancellor. He was in charge of the council and was strict but fair.

“Chris, are you ready for your exam?” Kirin said taking his seat. Chris's knuckles went white as his grip on his blue orb staff tightened.

“Yes master,” he said with a gulp.

Suddenly the high chancellor shouted, “Court is in session."

Every wizard stopped their chatter and went silent, “Today is the exam day for apprentices, they will be judged to see which of them will continue their studies and which of them must go back to the beginning of their studies,” the high chancellor said with a British accent.

Chris sat in the high backed chair waiting for his name to be called; he knew that when your name was called you were teleported to a small floating circle shaped island that hung level with the chancellor’s balcony where you had to perform your exam in front of the whole council. Chris was awakened from his deep thought by a name he knew well being called out. “Jane Kadiascomma!” said the high chancellor; a figure appeared on the platform completely hidden by a huge black, jacket-like cloak with a big hood. A fair skinned hand pulled back the hood and took of the cloak to reveal a girl with waist length hair and a blood red robe. “I’m ready sir,!” Jane said trying not to look afraid. Chris had always had a huge crush on Jane but she always seemed to busy to talk, when Chris tried she always hurried away when he came near.

“Demonstrate how you would levitate please” the high chancellor asked Jane. Jane began an incantation under her breath and before long she was whisked off her feet by unseen hands, she then dropped to the floor with a small gesture of her staff. The chancellor scribbled something on a scroll. The test progressed like this for ten minutes until the chancellor said “You have passed,” and Jane disappeared.

Next it was Chris’s turn, as the chancellor said his name Chris felt like invisible hands were closing around his windpipe then quickly released as Chris saw that he was standing on the platform in front of a thousand odd wizards. He started off the same as Jane, taking off his cloak, saying he was ready and he began the test. He was tested in levitation, charms, curses, healing, attack, defence, and magical theory. Chris stood anxiously waiting as the chancellor decided on his score; the chancellor slowly raised his head, opened his mouth and said “You have passed."



Last edited by wizkid515 on Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:38 am; edited 4 times in total
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OverEasy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 8:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi there!

I just wanted to let you know that you need to do two reviews before posting anything. keeping a nice two to one ratio of reviews to posts. That way everyone gets a little feed back.

I would also like to let you know that you need to check out the rules and guidelines before posting anything else.

Anything else you need to ask, just PM me, and I will do my best to help you out.



Best of luck,

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, you should do two reviews now to compensate for the story you submitted. Anyway, on to the review!

Quote:
“The midnight blue ones. You should know that”


Quote:
“by the way, Jane will be at the ceremony”


Quote:
Chris crept over to his dressing table and opened the top draw. Inside was a small glass bottle wrapped in a pair of socks.


By the way, you should divide some of the paragraphs, to make the chapter more digestable. Just as a novel is divided into chapters, a chapter is divided into paragraphs. Think of the paragraphs as building blocks of the chapters. Each paragraph is supposed to convey one main idea, not really several.

Quote:
He uncorked it and splashed a little of the aftershave on his chest. He closed the draw and thought “Jane is sure to notice me now”.


Quote:
“Are we taking brooms or teleporting?


Quote:
When he opened his eyes. he was standing in a fireplace built out of solid gold


Quote:
I-pod
I think it's iPod.

There are other mistakes, but at this point I got tired of pointing them out. I'll teach how to use commas and periods approiately in this short lesson. Some sentences are divided up into clauses. Two clauses can form together to make a sentence. Such as:

"Although he saw the bird, he didn't shoot it." But since the clause "he didn't shoot it" can stand as it's own sentence, and "although he saw the bird" introduced the clause, a comma is used break the two clauses. Some clauses are dependent, while others are independent. "Although he saw the bird" is a dependent clause, because it' cant' stand as it's own sentence. However, "he didn't shoot it" is an independent clause, because it doesn't need "although he saw the bird" to stand. You only join dependent and independent clauses together, never two independent clauses.

"The gorilla pounded it's chest. He looked really strong."

Each of these clauses is independent, thus I use a period to separate them.

There might be some websites that can teach you basic grammar, but if you can go to your library, you might want to skim through "The Elements of Style." I hope my adviced helped.
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah! Big chunks of text! *cowers from their overwhelming influence*

Those are some honkin' big paragraphs you have there, and there are a few places they could be cut up into smaller paragraphs. When characters speak, their new dialogue should go into its own paragraph. For example:

'Lauren slipped and stumbled on the slick linoleum floor as she ran from Peter and his knife.

"You can't get away from me, dearie." Peter's voice was a maniacal cackle.

"Leave me alone, please," Lauren whispered, no breath to scream.'

See how there is a space in-between the dialogue? It makes it easier to pick out new dialogue and figure out just who is talking.

'K, I'm going to go through your work and edit it. My comments will be the stuff in italics.

Quote:
“Chris, hurry up with that potion lad, we have to go soon” called Chris's wizard master named Kirin.
This you could reword, since it is a little awkward and infodump-ish as is. Perhaps something like "...called Chris's master, Kirin." The reader will figure out that he is a wizard from your description of him later and the fact that he is talking about potions and whatnot.)
Quote:


Chris was upstairs in his small study, (comma) finishing a potion he had found in a magazine called ‘power serum’. He stirred it with his large spoon, added a small amount of herbs and poured it into a bottle.


“Coming” called Chris as he ran across the landing to his bedroom. The door swung open to admit him into a large square room. Chris looked through his many robes.(period)

“Hey, Kirin which robes do I wear” he shouted at the top of his lungs. He heard stomping feet on the stairs case, then the door burst open. (period, since the description of Kirin makes the sentence really long) and Kirin stormed into the room carrying his large oak staff with a red sphere on top and a small gold cap that made a tapping sound, on the bottom that made a tapping sound on the floor.

“The midnight blue ones, you should know that” Kirin said. Chris quickly located his midnight blue robes and slipped into them.

“Get your staff, cloak and hurry up” Kirin said. (period)By the way,(comma) Jane will be at the ceremony, (comma)” and he walked out. When he had left, (comma) Chris went to the door and looked out.(period) He was gone. Chris crept over to his dressing table and opened the top drawer. (period) Inside was a small glass bottle wrapped in a pair of socks. He uncorked it and splashed a little of the aftershave on his chest. (period) He closed the drawer and admired himself in the mirror. (or something. I moved the thought down into its own paragraph, almost like dialogue.) thought

“Jane is sure to notice me now, (comma)” he thought. He grabbed his cloak and staff on the way out.

When he arrived at the ground floor, (comma) Kirin was waiting impatiently by the door, his staff leaning against the wall.

“It’s about time, (comma)” he said and strode out in to the courtyard. Chris followed, locking the door behind him. It was a warm day outside with no clouds in sight.

“Are we taking brooms or teleporting, (comma)” Chris asked as he caught up with Kirin.

“Teleporting. (period) Brooms take to long, (comma)” Kirin said. They soon arrived at a line of brick fireplaces built into the side of the garage.

“You know what to do” Kirin said gruffly as he stepped in to the fire place and disappeared. Chris walked into his fireplace and thought ‘Council of wizarding affairs’. He had read in Harry Potter books that they used powder to teleport and green flames surrounded them, but this was real life and he just disappeared.
Uh oh, here you might get into a little bit of trouble, what with copyrights and all. Harry is copyright J.K. Rowling, as is the whole Floo powder and everything. It's generally not a good idea to compare something in your book to another book by name. Plus, if this is real life, then J.K. Rowling messed up seriously with her facts when she wrote about the wizarding world. I'd just have them use the fireplaces (which is still sort of borderline on copyright infringement) and not say a word about Harry Potter.
Quote:


When he opened his eyes he standing in a fireplace built out of solid gold. (period) He stepped out of the fireplace and saw Kirin waiting for him.

“Let's (apostrophe) go, (comma)” Chris said and the two of them joined the huge throng of people. The noise was deafening. (period) People talked on their cell phones, witches talked about the latest gossip in magazines and somebody had their I-pod turned up so loud every body could hear it playing ‘What a Witch Wants’. Everybody was heading for the many twisting stair cases that moved by themselves up and down to different floors of the building.

When they arrived at the stair cases, Kirin and Chris went over to a stair case with a sign that said ‘Council Chamber’. Next to the sign stood a man wearing a uniform that made him look like a hotel bellboy. (period)

“Pass please, (comma) sir, (comma)” he said. Kirin showed him a small plastic card and climbed on to the stair case. (period) Chris done did the same and when he was on the stair case there was a hum and the stairs sped downward towards the council.

There was a small ‘ding’ when the stairs reached the right level. Chris and Kirin hurried down the passage. At the end of the passage was a small keyhole where the door should have been a door.

“Where is that key, (comma)” Kirin murmured as he searched through his pockets. (period) Finally he drew out a gold key and slipped into the lock. (period) which It activated a hidden portal and zapped them instantly to Kirin’s balcony. Chris had been here lots of times but it still took his breath away. The council chambers had been built like a beehive. Instead of honey comb shapes though, it had balconies. Rows upon rows of balconies, there was one for every council member. At the end of the room was a larger balcony for the high chancellor. He was in charge of the council and was strict, (comma) but fair.
You tell us here that he is "strict, but fair", but we can't see any evidence of that yet. This is an example of telling, rather than showing. You can tell us that he is fair, but we're not inclined to believe it until we actually see him being fair. Maybe you could delete that "strict, but fair" bit and instead, just let the audience see for themselves that he is fair when he finally comes out and does his thing in leading the council.
Quote:


“Chris, are you ready for your exam, (comma)” Kirin said asked, (comma) taking his seat. Chris's knuckles went white as his grip on his blue orb staff tightened. (period)

“Yes master, (comma)” he said with a gulp. Suddenly the high chancellor shouted. (period)

“Court is in session”.

Every wizard stopped their chatter and went silent. (period)

“Today is the exam day for apprentices. (period) They will be judged to see which of them will continue their studies and which of them must go back to the beginning of their studies. (period)” The high chancellor spoke with a British accent. Chris sat in the high backed chair waiting for his name to be called; he knew that when your name was called you were teleported to a small floating circle shaped island that hung level with the chancellor’s balcony where you had to preform your exam in front of the whole council. Chris was awakened from his deep thought by a name he knew well being called out.

“Jane Kadias, (comma)” said the high chancellor. (period) A figure appeared on the platform completely hidden by a huge black, jacket-like cloak with a big hood. A fair skinned hand pulled back the hood and took of the cloak to reveal a girl with waist length hair and a blood red robe.

“I’m ready, (comma) sir, (comma)” Jane said, (comma) trying not to look afraid. Chris had always had a huge crush on Jane but she always seemed too busy to talk; (semi-colon) when Chris tried she always hurried away when he came near.

“Demonstrate how you would levitate, (comma) please, (comma)” the high chancellor asked told Jane. Jane began an incantation under her breath and before long she was whisked off her feet by unseen hands. (period) She then dropped to the floor with a small gesture of her staff. The chancellor scribbled something on a scroll. The test progressed like this for ten minutes until the chancellor said “You have passed” and Jane disappeared.

Next it was Chris’s turn. (period) As the chancellor said his name, (comma) Chris felt like invisible hands were closing around his windpipe then quickly released. (period) Chris saw that he was standing on the platform in front of a thousand odd wizards. He started off the same as Jane, taking off his cloak, saying he was ready and he began the test. He was tested in levitation, charms, curses, healing, attack, defence, and magical theory. Chris stood anxiously waiting as the chancellor decided on his score; the chancellor slowly raised his head, opened his mouth and said “You have passed”.


Okay, on to story comments.

This looks like it could be an interesting story. The problem is the characters. We don't know a whole lot about them. This is the beginning of your story and the first time your reader meets both the characters and the world. You gave us a good idea of what the world is like with your descriptions, but the characters still feel flat. How old is Chris? Is he any good as a wizard? What is his opinion of Kirin? Are they close? It seems like Kirin is a little impatient with Chris, but is it loving impatience, or does he think his apprentice is a waste of time?

You don't have to spell these out in as many words. Nothing is more awkward to read than an infodump saying:

"Trent thought Ophelia was weak and stubborn."

Instead, show us through how Trent treats Ophelia. For example:

"Trent grabbed Ophelia's wrist and hauled her to her feet roughly. He ignored her little whimper of pain. If she thought that hurt, how did she think the mafia would treat her?

'Let's go, little missy. We don't have time for you to be taking breaks.'

'But I'm tired,' Ophelia said meekly. Trent just snorted and pulled her behind him as he started running again."

See how we get the idea that Trent is impatient with Ophelia and Ophelia is not used to physical exertion and the author never has to stop and dump information? We have an idea of their characters and they are coming to life. It's a lot more exciting than the author just telling the reader about them.

So yeah, your characters could use a little bit more fleshing out. You say Chris has a crush on Jane, so how does he react when he sees her? Is he nervous? Is he excited for her? Is he hoping she will pass and wishing her luck? How does that make his body react? Do his hands sweat? Did his mouth go dry? It's the little things that make the characters come to life as they react.

Anyway, good luck with this! And welcome to YWS!

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:37 pm    Post subject: Re: When the darkness is your prison Reply with quote

Hello! Stella here, your friendly pink fairy! As OverEasy said, it's a custom of YWS to review two pieces for every piece you submit, that way, everybody gets reviewed.

Okay, so this is how it works. I'll go through nitpicks, that's individual things I've picked out first, then we'll look at specifics, characters, plot etc.

I. NITPICKS

Quote:
“Chris, hurry up with that potion lad, we have to go sooncomma” called Chris's wizard master named Kirin. new line

Chris was upstairs in his small study finishing a potion he had found in a magazine called ‘power serum’. He stirred it with his large spoon, added a small amount of herbs and poured it into a bottle. “Comingcomma” called Chris as he ran across the landing to his bedroom. The door swung open to admit him into a large square room. Chris He looked through his many robes, “Hey, Kirin which robes do I wearquestion mark” he shouted at the top of his lungs.

new line He heard stomping feet on the stairs case, staircase then the door burst open and Kirin stormed into the room carrying his large oak staff with a red sphere on top and a small gold cap that made a tapping sound,no comma on the bottom. new line

“The midnight blue ones, you should know thatexclamation or comma.” Kirin said.

new line Chris quickly located his midnight blue robes and slipped into them. “Get your staff and cloak and hurry upcomma or exclamation mark” Kirin said “By the way Jane will be at the ceremony[/b].” H[/b]e walked out. new line

When he had left Chris went to the door and looked out, he was gone. Chris crept over to his dressing table and opened the top draw, drawer inside was a small glass bottle wrapped in a pair of socks. He uncorked it and splashed a little of the aftershave on his chest, he closed the draw and thought “Jane is sure to notice me now”. He grabbed his cloak and staff on the way out.

When he arrived at the ground floor Kirin was waiting impatiently by the door, his staff leaning against the wall. “It’s about timecomma” he said and strode out in to the courtyard. new line

Chris followed, locking the door behind him. It was a warm day outside with no clouds in sight. “Are we taking brooms or teleportingquestion mark” Chris asked as he caught up with Kirin.

“Teleporting, brooms take to longcomma” Kirin said. new line

They soon arrived at a line of brick fireplaces built into the side of the garage. “You know what to do comma” Kirin said gruffly as he stepped in to the fire place and disappeared. new line, just to space this out Chris walked into his fireplace and thought ‘Council of wizarding affairs’. He had read in Harry Potter books that they used powder to teleport and green flames surrounded them, but this was real life and he just disappeared. When he opened his eyes he standing in a fireplace built out of solid gold, he stepped out of the fireplace and saw Kirin waiting for him.new line

“Lets gocomma” Chris said and the two of them joined the huge throng of people. The noise was deafening, people talked on their cell phones, witch’s witches talked about the latest gossip in magazines oh, such a stereotypical female subject to talk about! and somebody had their I-pod iPod turned up so loud every body everybody[/b[ could hear it playing ‘What a Witch [b]Wants’. Everybody was heading for the many twisting stair cases one word, I'll leave you to correct the others toothat moved by themselves up and down to different floors of the building. new line

When they arrived at the stair cases, Kirin and Chris went over to a stair case with a sign that said ‘Council Chamber’. Next to the sign stood a man wearing a uniform that made him look like a hotel bellboy, “Pass please sircomma” he said. Kirin showed him a small plastic card and climbed on to the stair case, Chris done the same and when he was on the stair case there was a hum and the stairs sped downward towards the council.

There was a small ‘ding’ when the stairs reached the right level. Chris and Kirin hurried down the passage. At the end of the passage was a small keyhole where the door should have been a door. “Where is that keyquestion mark” Kirin murmured as he searched through his pockets, finally he drew out a gold key and slipped into the lock which activated a hidden portal and zapped them instantly to Kirin’s balcony. Chris had been here lots of times but it still took his breath away. The council chambers had been built like a beehive. Instead of honey comb shapes though, it had balconies. Rows upon rows of balconies, there was one for every council member. At the end of the room was a larger balcony for the high chancellor. He was in charge of the council and was strict but fair. new line

“Chris, are you ready for your exam question mark” Kirin said taking his seat. Chris's knuckles went white as his grip on his blue orb staff tightened. new line

“Yes mastercomma” he said with a gulp.new line

Suddenly the high chancellor shouted, “Court is in session."
new line

Every wizard stopped their chatter and went silent, “Today is the exam day for apprentices, they will be judged to see which of them will continue their studies and which of them must go back to the beginning of their studiescomma” the high chancellor said makes more sense than "spoke" with a British accent. new line!

Chris sat in the high backed chair waiting for his name to be called; he knew that when your name was called you were teleported to a small floating circle shaped island that hung level with the chancellor’s balcony where you had to preform perform your exam in front of the whole council. Chris was awakened from his deep thought by a name he knew well being called out. “Jane Kadiascomma!” said the high chancellor; a figure appeared on the platform completely hidden by a huge black, jacket-like cloak with a big hood. A fair skinned hand pulled back the hood and took of the cloak to reveal a girl with waist length hair and a blood red robe. “I’m ready sircomma!” Jane said trying not to look afraid. Chris had always had a huge crush on Jane but she always seemed to busy to talk, when Chris tried she always hurried away when he came near.new line

“Demonstrate how you would levitate please?” the high chancellor asked Jane. This isn't actually a question, don't make it one Jane began an incantation under her breath and before long she was whisked off her feet by unseen hands, she then dropped to the floor with a small gesture of her staff. The chancellor scribbled something on a scroll. The test progressed like this for ten minutes until the chancellor said “You have passedcomma” and Jane disappeared.new line

Next it was Chris’s turn, as the chancellor said his name Chris felt like invisible hands were closing around his windpipe then quickly released as Chris saw that he was standing on the platform in front of a thousand odd wizards. He started off the same as Jane, taking off his cloak, saying he was ready and he began the test. He was tested in levitation, charms, curses, healing, attack, defence, and magical theory. Chris stood anxiously waiting as the chancellor decided on his score; the chancellor slowly raised his head, opened his mouth and said “You have passed."


Right so.

II. PUNCTUATION

You may have noticed that many of my comments were shouting "comma!" at you.

Okay, so this is how it works:

Quote:
"I like your shoes" said Mary


isn't right. I don't know why. I reckon they created these rules to make it more difficult for us.

Quote:
"I like your shoes," said Mary.


You see the difference? If the statement is an exclamation or question, then you put the appropriate punctuation in. Otherwise it's a comma or full stop. It's a comma unless there's no speech tag following it (a speech tag would be 'said Mary.') Does that make sense? I hope so, I can be useless at explaining.

III. PARAGRAPHS

Start a new paragraph whenever:

-a new idea or theme is introduced.
-somebody new begins to speak.

Don't be afraid of them! Stick them in whenever you think them necessary! People will also find it easier to read that way.

Apart from those two things, your spelling and grammar were far better than a lot I've seen on YWS, believe me, so don't get put down. They're easy mistakes that we've all made, all we can do is remember not to make them again.

Okay, style now...

IV. LITERARY ALLUSION

I found it a bit like Harry Potter. Which I'm good with, I'm a complete Potterhead. However, make sure that you don't make it too much like it. For instance, keeping his possessions wrapped in socks. It's a very Potter thing to do, and I immediately thought of the series. Whether this is intentional or not, just be careful. Your story seems original enough, but little, careless details like this one will make people think "This is all plagarized." It's not, of course, it's something called allusion -difficult term to explain. This is just me thinking.

V. PLOT

You seem to have got something going here. Chris advances from apprenticeship to the next stage, he has a master, an oppurtunity for romance... not a bad beginning overall. You introduce us to your world niceley.

VI. OVERALL

I enjoyed. I suggest that you make the changes I've suggested to your formatting, it will make it easier to read, and you'll be doing yourself a favour. I really liked your ideas, and I think you've got a firm beginning here for what I hope will be a good story. What it did lack was character development, so I would hope to see a lot more of it in future parts, we know very little about your characters right now.

So keep with it!

PM me if you have any questions you'd like to ask me, about my review, the piece, or YWS in general Very Happy

Hope I've helped!

-Stella.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 10:59 pm    Post subject: Re: When the darkness is your prison Reply with quote

wizkid515, edits by Meep wrote:
“Chris, hurry up with that potion lad, we have to go soon,” called Kirin, Chris's wizard master named Kirin.

Just editing for flow. Don't feel like you have to stick with any of the changes I'm suggesting.

wizkid515, edits by Meep wrote:
Chris was upstairs in his small study finishing a potion called 'power serum' that he had found in a magazine called ‘power serum’.

The way you have it worded makes it sound like the magazine is called 'power serum,' but I think you mean that's what the potion is called.

wizkid515, edits by Meep wrote:
The door swung open to admit him into a large square room.

I think you can omit this sentence all together.

wizkid515, edits by Meep wrote:
He heard stomping feet on the stairs case, staircase then the door burst open and Kirin stormed into the room carrying his large oak staff with a red sphere on top and a small gold cap that made a tapping sound on the bottom.

Why the "stairs case, staircase" thing?
Also, I think the bit about the tapping sound is unnecessary.

wizkid515, edits by Meep wrote:
Chris quickly located his midnight blue robes and slipped into them. “Get your staff and cloak and hurry up!" Kirin said. “By the way Jane will be at the ceremony.,” He added as he walked out.

Grammatical stuff.
Are the blue robes ceremonial for the exam? If so, you might want to mention that. What do they signify? Why midnight blue an not another kind of blue?

wizkid515 wrote:
When he had left Chris went to the door and looked out, he was gone. Chris crept over to his dressing table and opened the top draw, drawer inside was a small glass bottle wrapped in a pair of socks. He uncorked it and splashed a little of the aftershave on his chest, he closed the draw and thought “Jane is sure to notice me now”. He grabbed his cloak and staff on the way out.

I think this is a really cute and realistic character moment. I remember waiting to make sure my parents weren't around before putting on lip gloss or something when I knew a boy I liked was going to be somewhere we were going.

wizkid515, edits by Meep wrote:
They soon arrived at a line of brick fireplaces built into the side of the garage. “You know what to do,” Kirin said gruffly as he stepped in to the fire place and disappeared.

Chris walked into his fireplace and thought ‘Council of wizarding affairs’. When he opened his eyes he standing in a fireplace built out of solid gold, he stepped out of the fireplace and saw Kirin waiting for him.

Y'know what I thought of as soon as I saw this? The Floo Network in the Harry Potter books, and I'm probably not the only one as it seems to work almost the exact same way. I would definitely recommend doing some research and reading up on fantasy methods of transportation. There are oodles of them, and you can always invent more.

wizkid515 wrote:
Lets go,” Chris said and the two of them joined the huge throng of people. The noise was deafening, people talked on their cell phone, wizards disscused knew spells and somebody had their iPod turned up so loud every body everybody could hear it playing ‘What a Witch Wants’. Everybody was heading for the many twisting staircases that moved by themselves up and down to different floors of the building.
When they arrived at the stair cases, Kirin and Chris went over to a stair case with a sign that said ‘Council Chamber’. Next to the sign stood a man wearing a uniform that made him look like a hotel bellboy, “Pass please sir,” he said. Kirin showed him a small plastic card and climbed on to the staircase, Chris done the same and when he was on the stair case there was a hum and the stairs sped downward towards the council.

I like the blend of everyday technology and high fantasy. It's nice and really not something you see often.
(You wouldn't happen to have read The Dresden Files, would you? If not, I think you'd like them.)

wizkid515 wrote:
There was a small ‘ding’ when the stairs reached the right level. Chris and Kirin hurried down the passage. At the end of the passage was a small keyhole where the door should have been a door. “Where is that key?” Kirin murmured as he searched through his pockets, finally he drew out a gold key and slipped into the lock which activated a hidden portal and zapped them instantly to Kirin’s balcony. Chris had been here lots of times but it still took his breath away. The council chambers had been built like a beehive. Instead of honey comb shapes though, it had balconies. Rows upon rows of balconies, there was one for every council member. At the end of the room was a larger balcony for the high chancellor. He was in charge of the council and was strict but fair.

I'm getting a very strong Star Wars vibe here. Try not to lean to heavily on your influences, or you'll end up like Paolini. Make it original. Homages are okay, but I think this goes past homage and into the "rip off" zone.

wizkid515, edits by Meep wrote:
“I’m ready, sir,!” Jane said, trying not to look afraid. Chris had always had a huge crush on Jane but she always seemed to busy to talk, when Chris tried she always hurried away when he came near.

I might take out the bit about how he has a crush on her; we've gathered that by his actions so far. Show, don't tell, and so far, you've been doing a good job of showing this.

wizkid515 wrote:
Next it was Chris’s turn, as the chancellor said his name Chris felt like invisible hands were closing around his windpipe then quickly released as Chris saw that he was standing on the platform in front of a thousand odd wizards. He started off the same as Jane, taking off his cloak, saying he was ready and he began the test. He was tested in levitation, charms, curses, healing, attack, defence, and magical theory. Chris stood anxiously waiting as the chancellor decided on his score; the chancellor slowly raised his head, opened his mouth and said “You have passed."

Considering how big a deal this is supposed to be, I would put more effort into this scene. Show this happening. If it all goes by in a blur, say that, but mention random pieces Chris remembers from the test, and so on.

Overall, this is pretty good and I'm looking forward to more. You have a lot of potential.

eta: you might want to rethink your title, by the way ... it just screams "emo!" while the rest of the story ... doesn't.

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Last edited by Meep on Mon Aug 04, 2008 5:30 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 11:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You seem to have a nice big junk of posts correcting your grammatical errors already, so I'll address the other important meat of the story. First of all, the overall premise of the story was interesting and engaging. Although, I would try to stray away from too many Harry Potter similarities, unless of course you are attempting to write a fan fiction. When writing about a fantasy world, you want to try and grasp it and make it your own. Do not utilize an idea already making billions of dollars in the entertainment industry.
Besides that, you had an appropriate introduction to the characters. From what the reader could gather, Kirin seems like a very strict but wise teacher. If you wanted to add some more character development in later chapters, as to show maybe a kinder side to him, that would work as well. Obviously that's what the whole entire story leaves room for: plot and character development.
I liked the ending to your story as well, it was simple but captivating. It leaves the reader wanting to see what happens next, and that element is always essential when you are writing for an audience.
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 3:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“Chris, hurry up with that potion, lad. We have to go soon,” called Chris's wizard master, Kirin.



Quote:
He stirred it with his large spoon,


Is the spoon made of metal, wood, or something unique to your story, because sometimes when mixing a potion people are paticular of what spoon to use incase it messed of the effects.


Quote:
“Coming,” Chris called as he ran across the landing to his bedroom.



Quote:
Kirin stormed into the room carrying his large oak staff with a red sphere on top and a small gold cap that made a tapping sound on the bottom.


Maybe: Kirin stormed into the room carrying his large oak staff. An red orb (or sphere, but orb sounds better) rested on top of the staff and a gold cap that made a tapping noise when it struck the ground.
And maybe add a description of Kirin before this.


Quote:
“Get your staff and cloak. Hurry up!" Kirin said*. “By the way, Jane will be at the ceremony.” He walked out.


*Add some movement here. Maybe Kirin hit Chris over the head with his staff or hand to hurry him up.


Quote:
He uncorked it and splashed a little of the aftershave on his chest, he closed the draw and thought, Jane is sure to notice me now.


Maybe: Uncorking the bottle, he splashed a little after shave onto his chest and returned it to the drawer. Jane is sure to notice me now, he thought.
And thoughts are usually expressed with italics and not quotation marks.


Quote:
new line


What?


Quote:
Chris walked into his fireplace and thought ‘Council of Wizarding Affairs’.


Is it a coincidence that this is similar to the Harry Potter Floo Network?


I will stop here. You story is monotonous and it pained me to read it. I hate to tell you this kid, but it sucks. Now don't let me get you down, you can improve. This story need more description. I can't visualize where the characters are, what they look like, or what they're doing. And be careful because it sounds like you just read Harry Potter and gotten a lot of your ideas from that, you don't want to plagerize.

That's all I got to say though. If you need reviews, PM me or look for me in the Will Review For Food forum. Au revior

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 7:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't forget the two to one ratio for reviews to postings.

Welcome to YWS!

This story does have some problems and my gut says that it is a planning thing.

There is a lot of information, which while important, is introduced at all the wrong times.

Quote:
“Chris, hurry up with that potion lad, we have to go soon,” called Chris's wizard master named Kirin.


You stuff too much information into this sentence. The idea is that a master is speaking to his apprentice. You run into trouble when you try to name the master. Yes, his name is important, but you don't have to shove it in this place.

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, I'm going to write this first paragraph, then we'll compare the two.

Quote:
“Chris, hurry up with that potion lad, we have to go soon,” called Chris's wizard master named Kirin.

Chris was upstairs in his small study finishing a potion he had found in a magazine called ‘power serum’. He stirred it with his large spoon, added a small amount of herbs and poured it into a bottle.

“Coming,” called Chris as he ran across the landing to his bedroom. The door swung open to admit him into a large square room. Chris He looked through his many robes, “Hey, Kirin which robes do I wear?” he shouted at the top of his lungs.


This is the original.

Here is mine:

Quote:
"Chris! Hurry up with that potion lad! We have to go soon!" a voice called from downstairs.

"Coming Master Kirin!" Chris yelled over his shoulder, before turning his attention back to his potion. He had found the recipe for a power serum in a magazine. He stirred the potion with a spoon and added some herbs into it. The serum completed, he poured it into a bottle. He dashed from the study to his bedroom. Chris flung open the closet and began searching through his robes.

"Master Kirin! Which robes do I wear?" he shouted.


Here is what I did.

1. I made Kirin into "Master Kirin." As the Master, Kirin is entitled to respect, especially from a greenhorn like Chris. It also tells the reader what the relationship is between Kirin and Chris. Before you had to tell them that they were master and apprentice, which was very intrusive. What I've done is included it in the dialogue.

2. I rearranged the order of things, so that instead of describing the room, the potion, and the answer, I did it in reverse. I have Chris answer first. This is a good transition, since we go from focusing on the voice downstairs, to that of our protagonist, Chris. Next comes the potion. The potion is the next logical place, for two reasons: A)It is what the dialogue was describing and B)It's what the character is working on. I mention that he is in a study, but only as he is leaving it.

Where he is isn't as important as what he is doing.

3. I increased the tempo a tad. In order to move the story along, I made Kirin a little more impatient and Chris a little more rushed. If the master is saying that he has to hurry, then we need the pace of the story to be a hurried pace, without sacrificing any of the detail.

I achieved this hurried pace adding some exclamation marks (I'll underline them.) and by using "dashed" and "flung." Dashed and Flung describe highly energetic activities. Ran wasn't giving me enough energy, so that's why I used dash instead.

The room before was just a square room with robes all over the place. I decided to give it a closet. That way, he could fling the closet doors open to indicate just how much of a hurry he's in.

So what was missing here was that the characters were in a hurry, but they didn't act like they were in a hurry. It was all very relaxed, especially with the informal atmosphere between the two characters.

About their relationship. It looks like you were trying to make them informal characters. They can still be friendly, but there must also be respect between them. I was thinking back to Star Wars. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had a very good relationship, and Obi-Wan would refer to Qui-Gon as "Master" or "Master Qui-Gon."

Hopefully this will help you when you go back over it.

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