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PenguinAttack
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 Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:31 am Post subject: Singed Fingers and Dissappointments. (edited) |
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Last edited by PenguinAttack on Thu Jul 31, 2008 11:36 am; edited 9 times in total |
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Saint Razorblade
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:40 am Post subject: |
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Munchie! *noms*
Pfft. You interrupted my walking for this. 
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| It was a hand-me-down business, to be honest, but pet cemetery to people cemetery seemed like an executive decision. |
It might just be me, but I think you should hyphenate pet-cemetery-to-people-cemetery. Ezactly like that. Yeah. >.>
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| Roy was an executive, so he made the decision. |
*giggles* Blunt obviousness FTW!
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| Of course his father would be turning in his grave, pardon the pun. |
Ick. Get rid of "pardon the pun," assume your reader will get it. No need to point it out. ^^
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| People, though, people were Roy’s specialty, so he thought it wise to move the business in that direction. |
Semicolon after "though."
Hmm, lotsa telling going on here... maybe it'll work. *reads on*
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| Roy always said, you meet the craziest kids in this business – I don’t think he realized how fitting that was, him talking to me and all. |
The comma after "always said," while not grammatically incorrect, isn't entirely necessary either. ^^
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| That wouldn’t be your problem, though, would it? I suppose not. |
Yes, it is in fact. Nah, I'm kidding. *licks*
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| By now, I suppose, you’d realized I was dead. |
Aw, way to give it away. -.- You're no fun anymore.
Zomg, double twist! *flails*
A rather interesting short piece. Nice plot, nice and simple delivery. A little tell-y, but it sort of works for the piece. Kind of an eerie sense you get from it.
I think it'd be better if it was longer. It'd be nice to get to know Roy a little more before you unveil the twist -- allow your reader to really get the chance to connect to him, maybe lead them into a false sense of security. Portray him as a nice, sweet, innocent sort of guy, and then BANG! Murderer.
Just a thought.  Nice job, as is. ^^
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kayla_4571
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:01 am Post subject: |
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Quite interesting. Though not long enough for
my liking but none the less I liked it. Perhaps
you left a little bit too much for the reader to
make their own assumptions about, such as the
question of why the main character was still alive
and how his parents didn't notice. A few fill in the
gaps and I think it would be wonderful :] |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:14 am Post subject: |
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Thank you both for the comments! They were helpful and totally valid and I hope this is kind of what you guys were looking for. ^^
I've edited this up, and I'm hoping it's looking better than it was. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Black Cat Sachiko
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:24 am Post subject: Re: Singed Fingers and Dissapointments. (edited) |
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Hiya, Nee-chan! ^_^ Let's take a looksie here, shall we?
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| Roy was an executive, so he made the decision. |
That line rocks. XD
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| Roy always said you meet the craziest kids in this business |
It may just be me, but I think there should be a comma between said and you. Just my thoughts, I think it's fine either way.
Also! In the paragraph where Roy is talking--. I see that you have what Roy's saying in italics, and that's fine! I like it. I just always thought though, that you should always have the speakers separated from each other with paragraphs. Like I said before, this may just be me, and you can do whatever you wish with it.
^_^ All in all, I liked it a lot. It was an interesting... First chapter? I hope you continue this! It reminded me a bit of "The Lovely Bones". ...Which I never finished, but never mind about that! XD
But yes, very interesting, I thought. If you want me to come back to this (As it is rather late and I should go to bed) I would be more than happy to! ^_^
Imouto-chan |
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yoha_ahoy
yoyo
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 8:43 pm Post subject: |
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| Roy owned the only drive-thru funeral business in Maine. It was a hand-me-down business, to be honest, but pet-cemetery-to-people-cemetery seemed like an executive decision. Roy was an executive, so he made the decision. |
Great opener. It makes me laugh. ^_^
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| I suppose I ought to explain, but if I explain you might just stop reading. I do hate it when people stop reading, just because I’m not quite the narrator they’d prefer I’d be. That wouldn’t be your problem, though, would it? I suppose not. |
Nice effect, almost breaking the fourth wall there.
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It wasn’t long ago, at all, when he found me. Or I found him – such events are always slightly confused. I’d say it was a chance meeting, except my parents always were a little frugal, so our meeting was more a consequence of my parent’s ability to find the cheapness in every event. As such, it’s no surprise that
when they had to organize a funeral, it was Roy’s one-of-a-kind drive-thru funeral house that they stopped at. |
1- Why the weird line break? Fix that. 2- It’s a pretty long sentence. You could do, “…frugal. So our….”
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| He wore a red suit that smelt like dish detergent… |
Smelt = smelled?
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| My parents balked, in their shiny black shoes and threaded cardigans, but bullied their way on. |
Bullied is an odd word choice there. I don’t quite understand the intended meaning.
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| He cut them off with a wave of his hand – singed slightly, though I’d not yet realized why – |
I thought you misspelled “sighed” or “signed” after the dash. I didn't realize you were referring to the hand until I read it about three more times. Maybe say, “with a wave of his slightly singed hand,” and put the rest in parenthesis or some other arrangement.
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| and she said I can has cheezbeurger and the lord spwokeths on to thee that one can has unt cheezburgerz and none morez. and low were the sheeps of the land and he saw that it was grood. Halaluagha |
*ahem* My brother thinks this would be much more interesting if you inserted the above phrases. >.> Erm… sorry about that. Siblings… you know. Well, continuing with the crit:
Meep! Great twist of perspective! Didn’t expect them to be the dead person. Though I kind of was wondering where the body was. XD
Eeep! Another twist! Wowie! Hahaha! Didn’t expect that either! Man, oh man. I liked that. Nice and short. Very good! Though the end felt a bit rushed. Maybe slow it down a bit and detail what the “dead guy” saw as his eyes were open or how Roy killed him. I can understand if this is for a contest and needs to be under a certain length, but if you ever decide to expand it, then maybe work on that. Otherwise, great job!
~Yoyo 
Goodness, I'm glad my brother isn't a writer. That is horrid. >.< |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 11:25 pm Post subject: |
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Penguin! Howdy!
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| Of course his father would be turning in his grave. |
Nice pun. XD
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| He cut them off with a wave of his hand – singed slightly, |
Singed? Singed = burned lightly?
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| But when he looked up he saw my eyes open and blinking at him [comma here] and he dropped my open wallet |
*blink* Surprise ending, much?
I loved this, Penguin. Especially when we were hearing what Rory was saying (or thinking. I dunno what it was) it began to really interesting. I loved the whole idea of almost being buried alive. I think you pulled it off quite well.
The beginning was really slow, and hard to get into. It wasn't until this line:
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| I do hate it when people stop reading, just because I’m not quite the narrator they’d prefer I’d be. |
because it suddenly puts 'us' in the story, and I loved it from that moment on. I couldn't really find any fault it it, other than it started out a little slow, but after that, it was really interesting. Great job.
-Jared |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:55 am Post subject: |
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Rose! I felt like critting, and I decided to crit yours in the little time I have because you have a deadline to make. But I just noticed now that it's the 30th my time, but yours... it's probably tomorrow already. ><
I apologize if that is true.
But! I promised to do this. So! Let's get started, shall we?
Grammar and First Impressions
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Singed Fingers and Dissapointments Disappointments. |
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| It was a hand-me-down business, to be honest, but pet-cemetery-to-people-cemetery seemed like an executive decision. |
Maybe I'm slow today, but I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. xD If the others got it, though, don't consider changing it. 
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| He was never one for people, [semi or dash instead] just a man who believed in animals. |
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| Which was nice but lacked the spark the business needed for success, Roy said. |
Maybe there's a reason you're not using quotation marks. If that's so, is it necessary to put had between Roy said. Roy had said. I'm really unsure, but it kinda worked for my brain. My mushy, gushy brain. xD
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Roy always said, you You meet the craziest kids in this business – I don’t think he realized how fitting that was, him talking to me and all. |
It took my slow brain a second read to get that and start laughing. XD
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| I suppose I ought to explain, but if I explain, you might just stop reading. I do hate it when people stop reading, [dash instead or nothing at all] just because I’m not quite the narrator they’d prefer I’d be. |
I would probably put nothing there 'cause of the word because, but just gets in the way, so I'm unsure. XD It looks like you want the pause, so I suggested a dash. The comma just doesn't look right to me, hehe.
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That wouldn’t be your problem, though, would it?
[New paragraph?]
I suppose not. |
I liked the dramatic effect. Dunno 'bout you guys, but.. ya.
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| Roy was a bit disappointed with me too, you see, when we first met. |
This sounded awkward. You see threw me off, but when I took it out and read it again.. it still didn't sound right. It sounded better, though. Maybe move you see to the end or just get rid of it.
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| It wasn’t long ago, [no comma] at all, [no comma] when he found me. |
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I’d say it was a chance meeting, except my parents always were a little frugal, so our meeting was more a consequence of my parent’s parents' ability abilities to find the cheapness in every event. |
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| As such, it’s no surprise that [close indentation? xD] when they had to organize a funeral, it was Roy’s one-of-a-kind drive-thru funeral house that they stopped at. |
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| Roy was bright and happy, [dash instead?] not quite the Somber Sally I’d expected, you know. [question mark instead] |
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| He wore a red suit that smelt like dish detergent, and his hair was slicked back in a long ponytail. |
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| My mother had only just begun, but stopped, hesitating when she noticed his hand was out, asking to see the cash. |
Separate this into two or more sentences. There can definitely be more suspense here as well as clarity. It's more of a run-on than anything. ^^
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| He cut them off with a wave of his hand – singed slightly, though I’d not yet realized why – and just led them, his men with the bag following, into a back room. |
Wait... there was a bag. When did we see the bag? I think I missed the bag. Oh, crap, I missed the bag! 
Underlined: Is there a better way to say that? I'm sure there is (my brain's all mushy to think of one), and I'd like you to fix it a smidgen. xD
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He talked the whole while, [period instead]
Hey mate, what have you got yourself into? Been mucking about in cars with girls then, hey? |
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| His laugh was solid, [dash instead] not crumbling at the edges but sliding out, waiting to be taken and heard. |
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| The room didn’t echo, but he had pauses between words, [no comma] as if he were waiting for me to comment. |
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| It was real nice of him, [no comma] to wait for my reply. |
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Gotta get you dressed up smart, in the end, [period or semi instead] can’t have you going in all… elemental, [dash instead] haha! [dash insetad] Now now, can we? |
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| I thought about it, but every time I started to think, he’d interrupt; [colon instead?] [close indentation?] Don’t worry, kid, I’ll have you all nice and worked out. |
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| He was a real nice bloke, you know, wanted me to have a good funeral, [semi or period instead] not many folk would even consider that. |
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| Don’t get me wrong, [dash or period or semi instead] I love them and their oddity, but they were why I was here, wrapped in thin plastic bags and no shoes on my feet. |
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| I’ll have to take a look at you soon, [period or semi instead] don’t worry. |
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| I was being carried in, [no comma] when I woke up. |
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| I didn’t really want to scare anyone, [no comma] or bother them… so I just kept quiet and waited. Like now. |
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| I didn’t want to surprise him, and I didn’t move, [no comma] so as not to disturb him. |
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But when he looked up, he saw my eyes open and blinking blink at him, and he dropped my open wallet. |
I would probably choose either open or blink. The repeating and so close together is kind of a, "Woah!" thing. XD
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| I ignored him, or looked away in embarrassment, and stared at my driver’s license, [period instead] it stared back, gloomy in the bright room. |
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| I don’t blame him, [period instead] I’d be disappointed too. |
Commas don't separate sentences, silly. ^^
Overall
Ooer! That was an excellent spin at the end. I wasn't expecting that! I did have to read it a couple of times to get it, but I got it. XD I'll agree that it seemed a bit rushed, but that can easily be fixed by fleshing a couple details out here and there.
This is an excellent piece though! Sorry if I was late on the crit, but I did enjoy reading this. Good luck in the contest! ^^
Keep writing!
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