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OverEasy
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 Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 3:58 am Post subject: I Kissed a Girl |
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I saw a bumper sticker that sort of inspired me, this is what I came up with... I am debating on if I want to make it a one shot or continue with it and see where it goes.
Tell me what you think I should do.
I closed my eyes, breathing in her scent, relishing in the feel of her pressed against me. She was so close to me, her hair lying across my shoulder and trailing down my arm. I could feel her breath on my cheek as she continued in her slumber. I didn’t know how we ended up wrapped in each other’s arms, the night before we had been on opposite sides of the bed, but here in her arms I felt right. I watched as her chest rose and fell, the sweet way that her face changed during sleep. I prayed that she was dreaming good dreams; I prayed that nightmares hadn’t visited her that night.
Of its own accord, my hand reached out and brushed her cheek, her eyes flickered open. Slowly I took my hand away, missing the feel of her soft flesh beneath my fingertips. I felt her hand find mine, our fingers twining together; a perfect fit. A sugary smile crossed her lips and her blue eyes met mine. I found myself glancing away from her, the expression on her face far too blissful for me to understand.
She pressed a kiss to my cheek, soft and unsure. My breath caught in my throat and I turned to face her again, searching her eyes for the meaning behind the kiss. She looked so shy, so afraid and hesitant. I felt myself move, unlacing our fingers and bringing her closer I buried my face in her hair. Taking in the delicious aroma of cloves and ginger that surrounded her.
She tangled her fingers in my hair; the softest whisper of a word escaped her lips… I think it was my name. I felt my eyes fill with tears as she pulled me away from her; she looked at me. Her gaze was full of adoration, respect, and dare I dream it, love. She cupped her hands on either side of my face, brushing away my tears.
Ever so tenderly she touched her lips to mine, knowing it was my first kiss. I think she felt me shaking, my nervous gitters getting the best of me. I felt her playing with my hair, as she gently touched her lips to mine again. I closed my eyes, felt her against me, with me, and I did what I never thought I’d do, I kissed her back. I edged closer to her, wrapping my arms around her and meeting her lips with mine. I knew my parents would never forgive me for this one.
I did something I was never supposed to do… I kissed a girl. And I liked it. |
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Dr. Jamie Bondage
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:09 am Post subject: |
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That was so sweeet! I'd make it a longer story though. this, to me, almost seems like a prolouge to a story. it's really good though!
I did't see any gramatical corrections.
Your descriptions were good. But, again, it is short. I would make it longer.
I liked it. Sorry I couldnzt be any more help! =*(
Jamie |
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unsterblichkeit36
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:45 am Post subject: |
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That was fantastic and i couldnt stop reading it!
Who am i to judge right?
well i think that you should continue because obviously, you have talent and a fantastic story line planned out for you
i'd say go for it |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 5:28 am Post subject: |
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I prayed that nightmares hadn’t visited her that night. |
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She tangled her fingers in my hair; the softest whisper of a word escaped her lips…. I think it was my name. |
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| Ever so tenderly she touched her lips to mine, knowing it was my first kiss. |
Er... no it's not? They've been kissing throughout the whole thing?
This reminds me of that song, "I kissed a girl, and I liked it". I just heard it on the radio today, and it was slightly disturbing. Anyway, your writing is beautiful, as always. Just those little nitpicks up there.
I've never been one for stories that talk about... er... I'm guessing these lesbians? It just makes me slightly uncomfortable and twitchy. And the main problem is that this focuses just on the love and the kisses. What about other things? No sex is perfect. Talk about the imperfect things. Not like I'd know. >.> Because perfect things like this make us not want to read it. If that made any sense whatsoever.
-Jared |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:46 am Post subject: |
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Hello!
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| I closed my eyes, breathing in her scent |
What does she smell like?
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| the sweet way that her face changed during sleep |
What does "the sweet way" look like?
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| My breath caught in my throat and I turned to face her again, searching her eyes for the meaning behind the kiss. |
This line is weird, I think. Because it's so cliché. We get confused, our breath catches and we search peoples eyes. Can you say something unique to how your narrator feels?
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| She looked so shy, so afraid and hesitant. |
Try to be more descriptive than "shy" and "afraid". Those are just meaningless words - can you show us what she is doing so that we know how she is feeling?
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| I felt myself move, unlacing our fingers and bringing her closer I buried my face in her hair. |
Should there be a period between "closer" and "I"?
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| Taking in the delicious aroma of cloves and ginger that surrounded her. |
This is an incomplete sentence - and an annoying one, at that.
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| I felt my eyes fill with tears as she pulled me away from her |
The very idea of pulling away something seems wrong. You normally pull towards you - and push away.
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| . Her gaze was full of adoration, respect, and dare I dream it, love. |
This is cliché.
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| I closed my eyes, felt her against me, with me, and I did what I never thought I’d do [colon] I kissed her back. |
This is interesting but I think it is hurt by the fact it is so short. I don't know anything about your narrator or the other girl. Not their names, the information behind them, why they love each other, or try to love each other, why the girl has nightmares, why the narrator's parents would like what she did...
It's also without originality. You can write a story about lesbians and how it's comforting but shouldn't be done all you want, but I want originality! Why do I care about these girls, what is going on in their lives? Of course I understand you just wrote a short piece, like it's a sketch for practice, so don't take me too seriously unless you wish to lengthen it! If you do, I suggest you learn more about the characters. Make your story not solely about their love. Otherwise it will be boring, and we don't want a boring story!
Sorry if this seemed cold. I'm really tired, so my brain isn't fully functioning. PM me if you have any questions! And if you're interesting for reference material, I wrote a story not too long ago on this subject. Not that I'm telling you to read it - I really don't care! ^^ But you might be interested. It's called "God Still Loves You". |
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kayla_4571
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:07 am Post subject: |
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Beautiful piece, though I'm not sure if
you're aware that your last words are lyrics
to a hit, mainstream song. That's a little
too cleche for me :] No offence. I think you
should definately write more, especially
about the two's past together, as well as
individually, and I would love to hear it
from the other girls' point of view also.
Oh and before I post perhaps something
can make one of them different in some way,
I'll let you decide, though :] Hope I helped. |
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Sam
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:29 am Post subject: |
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Hey, Overeasy!
[I still grovel at your feet for totally shirking on critiques you asked for earlier this summer--I had the world's most crazy last two weeks of school, and things got eaten, and by that I don't mean food items.]
This is a super cute story. My best friend (who has a boyfriend XD) made that her online status, once--"I kissed a girl, and I liked it"--and everyone had a complete nervy spaz and it was generally a good time. Naturally, I did not have a nervy spaz this time round, but your main character sure did. I'm a complete sucker for that kind of storyline, and you executed the emotions perfectly.
I think I'm just going to bounce off of Suzanne [not literally! O_O], because I started this critique three hours ago, was sidetracked, and...she reiterated a lot of the things I had said originally. A few tips when revising romantic scenes to make them more original:
- What does your character notice about her partner? I mean, if you're sleeping on someone's face, you tend to notice things really close up. And if she's obsessive like every other teenage girl, she'll notice the shape of her eyebrows, the curve of her eyelashes, the pattern of her lips, all that good stuff. Go for unconventional details--deep, soulful eyes and sexy curves are OUT. Instead, look for things you've noticed about your own boyfriend or girlfriend, and stick them in.
- Now that you've got body parts down, go for adjectives. "Sugary" is kind of a strange one to use, because I associate it with white flaky whatsits, and a person with white flaky lips doesn't need a kiss, they need some Chapstick. Look at every adjective you have, and question it. If it's weird, keep it. But if you've seen it before, and it's not a necessary one like "blue", chop it and put something unconventional in its place. Be careful, though--you don't want to sound like a walking thesaurus. Choose words that fit. If you need a second opinion, you can always poke me and I'll tell you what I think.
- Though I like the intimacy of this scene, I really have no idea of space. I thought they were tangled together, and then they weren't, so it would make sense if they were on a couch, but I'm not certain...you don't have to go overboard with the atmosphere, since you have it in the interaction, but a simple nod to furniture, etc. will go a long way in helping us envision the scene.
__
Thanks for the read! If there's anything you have questions on, you know where to find me. ^_^ |
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Misty
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:49 am Post subject: |
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cloves and ginger? that is an indescribably delicious smell! without doing anything more than say one simple, yet exotic scent, you've given us an original peek into the girl's past.
now, we need MOOOAAAR.
*cough* names, dates, locations, exact facts and figures. Far from being tacky, saying what town they live in actually adds a sense of reality.
*considers*
mmmmmm cloves. taste like christmassss. |
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OverEasy
Rawr! I big scary monster! *stomp stomp stomp*
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 8:19 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the reviews you guys  |
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"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times I’m hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe |
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lucyy
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:20 am Post subject: |
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I think that was pretty good, but i think it should be used as a middle of the story not the start if you get what i mean?? I think we need to know more about the girl & the narrator & i think that the girl comes across as mischievous, which is good if that's how you menat it?? But so far it's really good & it got me hanging onto the end & i think that already those two charcters have quite a presence about them.
Can't wait to read the rest!!
Lucy xx |
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KailaMarie
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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So did the narator wake up tangled with the other girl? like while they were sleeping they started to cuddle? or...? i think it would be a little better if there was a bigger build up to the part where they decide this is what they are going to do...
like how does the narator know that the other girl feels the same way? are they dating/. are they just friend who both feel more? i'd like to know more about the characters and how they came about to this scene.
also i agree with whoever said it would be more realistic if there were bad things in the description too, but that might take away from the beauty of the scene. Plus when it's from the person's perspective who is in love they probably only notice the good htings anyway... or at least try to ignore the bad ones.
so really good job! but i think you should add more to the story. |
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Kadie
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 12:00 am Post subject: |
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| I closed my eyes, breathing in her scent, relishing in the feel of her pressed against me. |
This sentence sounds kind of wierd to me when i read it. I don't know if fragmented is the right word, but i think it would sound better if it was something like: I closed my eyes, breathing in her (seductive?/other describing word) scent and relishing in the feel of her body pressed against mine.
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| I didn’t know how we ended up wrapped in each other’s arms... |
I don't know how how we ended...
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| but here in her arms I felt right. |
But there in her arms, i felt right.
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| ...my nervous gitters getting the best of... |
Jitters.
Just a couple of suggestions. This a really sweet piece, and i actually like that's it's so short. |
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soconfused4512
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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i AGREE WITH Dr. Jamie Bondage IT SEEM LIKE A PROLOGUE BUT YES BY ALL MEANS MAKE IT A LONGER STORY I WOULD SO BE INTERESTED IN READING IT
OH AND I AM GOING TO ADD A NEW POEM TO MY PAGE WHEN I PUT IT UP I WILL LET YOU KNOW |
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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:32 am Post subject: |
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| soconfused4512 - Please don't use all caps. Consider toning it down a bit for those with sensitive eye sight and what not. All caps is not so easy on the eyes and really gets annoying. Thanks. |
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wizkid515
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:48 am Post subject: |
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Hey
your story is cool, sweet and WE WANT MORE
i think this should be made into a novel or longer story
can't wait to see if you write more.
i can't see any grammer mistakes
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