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You are the Moon
You are the Moon

by Lynne in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on July 21, 2008
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The City that Forever Sleeps
The City that Forever Sleeps(Revised)
The City that Forever Sleeps(Part II)

The City that Forever Sleeps(Part III)

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Ryukun7   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 11:21 pm    Post subject: The City that Forever Sleeps(Part III) Reply with quote

“Thank God we're almost to Oriana's place,” Cairo blurted out as we strode towards our destination.

After our run-in with the person infected by GD, both of us had nearly remained silent. It was an eerie thing for Cairo to keep quiet even for a minute.

When we appeared at Oriana's, we were uncharacteristically greeted by a burly, scruffy looking man.

“This place ain't open. Go on. Now!” he commanded.

“Uh, you can't tell us--”

“We're friends of Oriana. Is there something wrong?” I interrupted Cairo.

The muscled man rubbed the back of his head. His brow furrowed as if he were in deep thought.

“Oriana isn't...feelin' too well. She didn't want anyone to know, but she went ahead an' closed the restaurant down for today. I'm here guardin' the place for her. My name's Knox, her cousin.”

Oriana lived in the lower floor of the restaurant. Cairo and I visited her countless times.

No this can't be happening. She'll be all right.

“May we still come in?” my pleading voice even took me by surprise.

Knox roughly rubbed his neck again.

“Don't stay too long. She needs 'er rest.”

Cairo and I agreed to stay for a short time, and progressed down the stairs where Oriana resided.

My heart began it's usual marathon race as we descended each stair. I tried to control myself, but I was obviously not doing a good job since Cairo glanced at me several times.

And then, there she was. I could spot her from anywhere. Her long, platinum blonde hair gracefully flowed down her back; her fragile and delicate body was perfectly shaped; however, her purple-shaded eyes were the most beautiful part of her. They reminded me of Spring lilacs, or a Claude Monet painting.

She must have heard us coming, because I could tell from her disheveled bed that she had just risen. She didn't want anyone to see her weakened state—she was strong.

“Matt, Cairo, I'm glad to see you both! What have you two been up to? No trouble I hope,” Oriana gently smiled.

“None that we chose to get into,” I spoke softly, and I silently swore to myself for being so white. My cheeks flushed too easily.

“We had a hell of a time getting here. A GD infected freak jumped us again,” Cairo blurted out.

“Oh,” Oriana responded solemnly and said, “I'm sorry that happened. Are you two are all right?”

Something isn't right.

“I can't speak for stunt man over there, but I'm just glad to be alive,” Cairo laughed.

“I'm fine,” I answered. I wasn't focused on Cairo's words though. I was worried about Oriana. This was no common sickness.

Her sweet laugh put my thoughts on pause. “Well, I suppose after that incident I'll have to fix a nice meal for you.”

I looked over at Cairo whose eyes sparkled. “Spa-spaghetti please!”

“Of course!” Oriana giggled. “Cairo, would you mind turning on the stove upstairs? I'll be right up there.”

She certainly didn't have to tell him twice before he shot up the stairs.

She turned towards me. “You wanted to talk to me about my condition?”

Somehow, she could always read what was on my mind.

“I noticed your sickness seems serious,” I mumbled nervously.

“It's nothing to worry about Matt. I'll soon feel better,” she calmly reassured me.

I didn't want to argue with her, but I knew she was lying for my sake.

“Oriana, you shouldn't lie about your health,” my words were barely audible.

“Matt, I'm okay. I told you not too worry.”

“Oriana, tell me the truth,” my voice shakily rose.

She looked down for a moment, her golden hair following her head movement. Then her bright purple eyes met my dull brown ones.

“I have GD, Matt.”

No, no this couldn't be happening. No! There was no cure for GD. Only medicine to slow the mental deterioration, but nothing powerful enough to destroy the disease.

“Oriana. I'll help you. We'll find a cure and--”

“There is no cure. You and I both know that,” her voice wavered.

“We can go to Times Square. There is medicine there that can slow it down--”

“I have to go upstairs to check on Cairo. He's taking a long time with the stove, and I'm worried he's going to catch something on fire,” Oriana spoke ignoring me and my suggestion.

She seemingly floated to the stairs, but before she could ascend them, she was thrown into a fit of coughs.


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Kyte   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 12:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I only spotted a few errors here. It's noting major.

Quote:
When we appeared at Oriana's house


Maybe you meant to say "arrived?"

Quote:
No this can't be happening.


Comma after "no"
That's about all I can think of. Good job and keep it up.

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Jay   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The title is intriguing, and this is a solid, entertaining chapter. The mood is kept fast and light, with little hints of suspense. I'm not usually a fan of apocalyptic-type stories where everyone dies for some reason (be it nuclear war, disaster or plague) but I found myself liking this-I felt sad for Oriana and Matt.

I like the sentence 'my heart began it's usual matathon race', but it should say 'its' not 'it's'.

My only big issue is that Oriana is at high risk of Mary Sue-ishness. Everything about her seems to be described as beautiful, graceful and perfect, right down to the purple eyes. Even the way she talks is all elegant and classy.

In short, it was a good piece that's a lot less depressing than most 'apocalypse' stories.

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RaggleFraggle   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

nice job! Smile

once again didn't notice many errors.
i may have skipped some but still... i didn''t notice. i have a crappy vocab so cant really help much.

i'm just tryin my best.

you could try to cut back on the dialog a little, my teacher on time told me to much of it isn't that great in a story. but idk its your style still just giveing random suggestgense ...and i think i spelled that wrong. .....OH WELL! lol im just trying to give you a review.......yeaaahhh weee. sorry i had to do that.
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This thread was created on July 21, 2008

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