BATCHICK785
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:59 pm Post subject: A Trickery update and editied |
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I don’t know how all this happens, but it does, and it happens to me. It seems that I always get the fallen angel on my shoulder that’s screwing up my life. Making it haunt me in every waking moment of it. There is always and evil presence that I feel when I’m alone. Like something that’s trying to get inside me. I would call it a quince dins. Yet in life there are no such terms that are exist.
So now as I walk up too(to) the building that I will soon regret, my adventure starts. The building has a hate feeling strung across it’s border ,school.
“ Hey Saura what’s up…” I trailed off when I saw the
“DO NOT CROSS” tape that surrounded what seemed
like prison . The tape was strung across the border of the high school. “ Hey what happened here? Why is that tape here and everything Saura?” I questioning her, not taking my eye’s off the flashing tape and the fluttering light that filled the sky and killed the darkness.
“ There was a massive murder here last night. The night guy found something gory.“ She paused and for some reason I knew the rest of what she was going to say.
“ That there was (were instead of was) five students strung up and down the hallway, all hung from old made ropes down the hall tides to the ceiling. Also that there was three girls and two boys all lined up every other gender ,right.” I said in flatly not taking my eye’s off the crime scene.
“ Oh my god, that’s right! Hey how did you know that Alex? Was it on the news already? They haven’t even reported it yet. How did you do that man, that was awesome?” She said in a weirder pitch and she pulled her gaze off the crime scene and at my face as I looked at her and then back on the scene.
My only reply that I could make was, “ I don’t know I guess I just ……….Well I could have just guessed, you know, any one could have guessed it Saura.” I said trying to hold back my lying tone that she always seamed to catch.
“ Yep, that’s it and your also lying and I want to know how you knew that. If your not telling me the truth. You know that I know everything about you and your lying conscience that seeps over on your skin. So try anything little man.” She said like my mother always said it before she died when I turned six. Saura, she reminded me of a something that would surpass an angle. She was everything I wanted in a friend and she never really got along with any one else but me. Like I was her match. With her red rose petal hair and her angle face that gave all the high time guys at Noblesville High School a head over heals feeling. She always rejected them though and she never really told my why, she just avoided the subject. Her parents loved her but they had to give her up when she was only two cause of what her mother and father where I would tell but she could never get it out of the foster care taker what they were she just said when your older. She never new what that meant. Even though I was a boy, she was like my diary I could put in anything and she wouldn’t judge me on that. She would understand which was weird cause I could never really look up to any one like that |
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Periwinkle
jazz hands!
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 7:28 pm Post subject: |
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| I don’t know how all this happens, but it does, and it happens to me. It seems that I always get the fallen angel on my shoulder that’s screwing up my life [This description seems a bit odd to me…the traditional sense of this metaphor is the person chooses the devil/angel when making decisions]. Making it haunt me in every waking moment of it [Awkward wording]. There is always and evil presence that I feel when I’m alone. Like something that’s trying to get inside me. I would call it a quince dins. Yet in life there are no such terms that are exist. |
You’re sentences here are very short a choppy and there’s no variation. Add various sentence structures to make it flow better.
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So now as I walk up too(to) [Just “to”] the building that I will soon regretp, [Use “and” rather than a comma because it splices the sentence] my adventure starts. The building has a hate feeling strung across it’s border ,school. [Weird description and awkward wording…I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to say.]
“ Hey Saura what’s up…” I trailed off when I saw the
“DO NOT CROSS” tape that surrounded what seemed like prison. |
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| The tape was strung across the border of the high school. “ Hey what happened here? Why is that tape here and everything Saura?” I questioned her, not taking my eye’s off the flashing tape and the fluttering light that filled the sky and killed the darkness. |
Killed the darkness? What?
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“ There was a massive [I find this hard to believe…if there was a massive murder and the school became a crime scene then they would have alerted the students] murder here last night. The night guy found something gory.“ She paused and for some reason I knew the rest of what she was going to say.
“ That there was (were instead of was) [Just say were] five students strung up and down the hallway, all hung from old made [What?] ropes down the hall tides to the ceiling. Also that there were three girls and two boys all lined up every other gender ,right.” I said in flatly not taking my eye’s off the crime scene. |
If someone psychically knew what happened I don’t think they would tell they would be more surprised when the person says exactly what they saw or whatever.
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| “ Oh my god, that’s right! Hey how did you know that Alex? Was it on the news already? They haven’t even reported it yet. How did you do that man, that was awesome?” She said in a weirder pitch and she pulled her gaze off the crime scene and at my face as I looked at her and then back on the scene [I don‘t like the repetition of “scene“]. |
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My only reply that I could make was [Too wordy and present tense…just said “I replied“], “ I don’t know I guess I just ……….Well I could have just guessed, you know, any one could have guessed it Saura.” I said trying to hold back my lying tone that she always seemed[b] to catch. |
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“ Yep, that’s it and your also lying and I want to know how you knew that. If your not telling me the truth. [b]You know that I know everything about you and your lying conscience that seeps over on your skin. So try anything little man. [That’s a weird way to say things…] She said like my mother always said did it before she died when I turned six. Saura, she reminded me of a something that would surpass an angle. She was everything I wanted in a friend and she never really got along with any one else but me. Like I was her match. With her red rose petal hair and her angle face that gave all the high time guys at Noblesville High School a head over heels[/b[ feeling. She always rejected them though and she never really told my why, she just avoided the subject. Her parents loved her but they had to give her up when she was only two cause of what her mother and father where [b][What?] I would tell but she could never get it out of the foster care taker what they were she just said when your older. She never knew what that meant. Even though I was a boy, she was like my diary I could put in anything and she wouldn’t judge me on that. She would understand which was weird cause I could never really look up to any one like that |
Break this up.
II. DESCRIPTIONS
I find your descriptions odd and hard to follow. You compare things to stuff that I can’t relate, too, and they’re muddled which makes me confused. You really need to make them more clear cut so people can better see the scene rather than be unsure of what is happening.
III. IT’S UNBELIEVABLE
I find it hard to believe that school would still be in after a “massive murder” and that it wouldn’t be in the news. Unless the school is somehow corrupt (which I find hard to believe still) I really can’t see why a school would cover all this up from students and parents but still have police officers come to start an investigation. I also find Saura’s back-story unbelievable (and an info dump at that) and it’s also confusing because of the muddled way you describe things.
IV. OVERALL IMPRESSION
I think this was interesting…but confusing. You should really prune it and elaborate. You should also avoid info dumps and be careful about your verb tenses. |
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Flemzo
Now With 50% More Flem!!
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject: Re: A Trickery update and editied |
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I'm critiquing this piece as I read it, and I apologize in advance if I'm a little harsh.
| BATCHICK785 wrote: |
| I don’t know how all this happens, but it does, and it happens to me. |
After this paragraph alone, I know that this isn't going to be a great piece of work. Your first sentence is terrible, and would turn even the most avid reader away. I can see that you're trying to get the reader to feel sympathy for the MC, but the first sentence is just too long and too awkward to make the reader feel anything for the MC.
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| It seems that I always get the fallen angel on my shoulder that’s screwing up my life. |
I don't really understand this metaphor. Is the MC blaming their misfortunes on demons, or are they prone to making terrible decisions? Clearing this up would help a lot.
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| Making it haunt me in every waking moment of it. |
Sentence fragment. I'm assuming it goes with the last sentence. Make it so.
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| There is always and evil presence that I feel when I’m alone. Like something that’s trying to get inside me. |
The second sentence is a fragment that, again, is supposed to go with the first sentence. Try to watch out for sentence fragments; you have two in the first paragraph, and I'm sure there are plenty more in the rest of the piece.
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| I would call it a quince dins. Yet in life there are no such terms that are exist. |
I tried to look up the term "quince dins", and oddly enough, the first result that came up in Google is a link to this story. In fact, the term doesn't come up in any dictionary I looked in, so I brought it up in the chatroom, and we've come to the consensus that "quince dins" is an attempt at the word "coincidence". When in doubt, check your spelling in the dictionary.
Also, to be perfectly frank, your grammar is terrible. "No such terms that are exist" is a line that belongs in a bad kung-fu movie translation. Get rid of that extra "are" at the end.
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| So now as I walk up too(to) the building that I will soon regret, my adventure starts. |
Ugh, this sentence makes me want to puke. It starts off too conversational, then you make an unnessecerry edit notation (for future reference, when you edit something, you don't need to make a note as to what you edited. Just change it and be done with it), throw in some ambiguous sentence structure (are you regretting the walk to the building, or the building itself?), and you finally end with the worst introduction to the action ever. Fix everything about this sentence.
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| The building has a hate feeling strung across it’s border ,school. |
This sentence is useless. If the building is a school, say it's a school right away.
| Quote: |
| “Hey Saura what’s up…” I trailed off when I saw the “DO NOT CROSS” tape that surrounded what seemed like prison . The tape was strung across the border of the high school. “ Hey what happened here? Why is that tape here and everything Saura?” I questioning her, not taking my eye’s off the flashing tape and the fluttering light that filled the sky and killed the darkness. |
I read this paragraph a couple of times, and I'm still not entirely sure what's happening. Your second sentence ("The tape . . . high school.") is unnessecerry. If the tape surrounded the school (and it is a school... just leave your descriptions simple), then you don't need to say that it was also strung around the border of it.
SPELLING ERRORS:
-- "I questioned her..."
-- "... not taking my eyes off of..."
Question: why is your MC walking toward the school at night? Normally school-aged kids tend to avoid the school whenever they can.
| Quote: |
“ There was a massive murder here last night. The night guy found something gory.“ She paused and for some reason I knew the rest of what she was going to say.
“ That there were five students strung up and down the hallway, all hung from old made ropes down the hall tides to the ceiling. Also that there were three girls and two boys all lined up every other gender ,right.” I said in flatly not taking my eyes off the crime scene. |
"Massive murder" is not the correct terminology. Don't notate your edits.
What are "old made ropes"? If this is an attempt at describing what the ropes looked like, it failed. Also, your sentence structure is terrible, like I think I've stated earlier. To entirely rewrite this paragraph to make is a million times better:
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"There was a mass murder here last night. The night janitor found something..." She paused, and for some reason, I knew the rest of what she was going to say.
"That there were five students, three girls and two boys, strung up and down the hallway, girl-boy-girl-boy-girl, with ropes tied to the ceiling, right?" I asked flatly, not taking my eyes off of the crime scene. |
Already, these corrections that I've made have made the story more interesting to me. I'll say it again at the end, but go back through this entire chapter, and work on making the story more interesting.
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| “ Oh my god, that’s right! Hey how did you know that Alex? Was it on the news already? They haven’t even reported it yet. How did you do that man, that was awesome?” |
This dialouge is unbelievable, and not in a good way. If Saura knew that it hadn't been reported yet, why would she ask if it was on the news? And your last sentence is actually two different sentences ("How did you do that? Man, that was awesome!")
At this point in the chapter, I'm forcing myself to read it, which is not the effect you want as a writer. You want your reader to want to read the story, not trudge their way through it. So for the rest of the crit, I'll point out the most obvious mistakes:
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| She said in a weirder pitch and she pulled her gaze off the crime scene and at my face as I looked at her and then back on the scene. |
Run-on sentence. Fix it.
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| My only reply that I could make was, |
"My only reply was," Everything else is superfluous.
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| “ I don’t know I guess I just ………." |
WA-A-AY too many periods!
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Well I could have just guessed, you know, any one could have guessed it Saura.” I said trying to hold back my lying tone that she always seamed to catch.
“ Yep, that’s it and your also lying and I want to know how you knew that. |
Yeah, anyone could have guessed something that specific. Also, how would someone not authorized to enter the crime scene know exactly what was in the crime scene (referencing to Saura)? Also, Saura's line is a glaring example of a run-on sentence.
SPELLING ERRORS:
-- "... anyone could have guessed..."
-- "... she always seemed to catch."
-- "... and you're also lying..."
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| If your not telling me the truth. |
Sentence fragment. Fix it.
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| You know that I know everything about you and your lying conscience that seeps over on your skin. |
... what? Fix it.
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| So try anything little man.” She said like my mother always said it before she died when I turned six. |
... again, what? Fix it.
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| Saura, she reminded me of a something that would surpass an angle. |
I think you mean, "angel".
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| She was everything I wanted in a friend and she never really got along with any one else but me. Like I was her match. |
Second sentence is a fragment. Fix it.
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| With her red rose petal hair and her angle face that gave all the high time guys at Noblesville High School a head over heals feeling. |
... angel ... "high time guys"? ... head-over-heels ...
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| She always rejected them though and she never really told my why, she just avoided the subject. Her parents loved her but they had to give her up when she was only two cause of what her mother and father where I would tell but she could never get it out of the foster care taker what they were she just said when your older. |
If my brain weren't already a pile of mush at this point, it would explode after this sentence. It's a terrible run-on sentence that doesn't tell us anything! Fix it, fix it, fix it!
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| She never new what that meant. Even though I was a boy, she was like my diary I could put in anything and she wouldn’t judge me on that. She would understand which was weird cause I could never really look up to any one like that |
This last little chunk doesn't tell us anything, either, and if this is the end of a chapter, it's a terrible chapter ending. Good cliffhanger endings make us want to keep reading. This is just an abrupt ending that would make the reader say, "That's it? Nothing more?", and then they would put the book back on the shelf and recommend to everyone they know that they don't check out the book.
There is a lot of work to be done with this. Before you do anything else, though, go through the forums and critique two other works: poems, stories, etc. And make your critiques worth something (I've heard that your crits are basically "That's really good." Make them like this one, pointing out what is good and what needs improvement). Then, learn the rules of grammar, learn the rules of sentence structure, and learn how to spell. Then, crit some more works, because after learning basic writing mechanics, you'll have more insight into what works and what doesn't.
After that, read. And not just Sarah Dessen or Stephanie Meyer; Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Charles Dickens, Harper Lee, etc. Read things that will stimulate your mind, and that will help you differentiate good writing from bad. Then crit some more works (new insight, etc.).
After all of this, you can go back, rewrite this chapter, and post it. And I guarantee that it will be far better than what you have right now.
Good luck,
kf |
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"How strange life is. How fragile. You never know what stunning development lies around the next corner."
-- From The Corner Of His Eye, by Dean Koontz |
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