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Vyper: soulless
Vyper: soulless

by Arekkusu in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 20, 2008
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A Trickery update and editied

A Trickery ch. 1
Topic ID: 33332
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BATCHICK785   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:18 am    Post subject: A Trickery ch. 1 Reply with quote

I don’t know how all this happens, but it does, and it happens to me. It seems that I always get the fallen angel on my shoulder that’s screwing up my life, making it haunt me in every waking moment of it.

There is always and evil presence that I feel when I’m alone. Like something that’s trying to get inside me. I would call it a quince dins. Yet in life there are no such terms that are exist.

So now as I walk up too the building that I will soon regret my adventure starts. The building has a hate feeling strung across it’s border ,school,

“ Hey Saura what’s up…” I trailed off when I saw the

“DO NOT CROSS” tape that surrounded what seemed

like prism . The tape was strung across the border of the high school. “ Hey what happened here why is that tape here and everything Saura?” I said not taking my eye’s off the tape and the flashing light that filled the sky and faded away the darkness.

“ There was a massive murder here last night the night guy found something gory.“ She paused and some reason I knew the rest of what she was going to say.

“ That there was five students strung up and down the hallway, all hung from old made ropes down the hall hung. Also that there was three girls and two boys all lined up every other gender right.” I said in flatly not taking my eye’s off the crime scene.

“ Oh my god, that’s right hey how did you know that Alex was it on the news already they haven’t even reported it yet. How did you do that man, that was awesome?” She said in a weirder and she pulled her gaze off the crime scene and at my face as I looked at her and then back on the scene.

My only reply that I could make was, “ I don’t know I guess I just ……….well I could have just guessed you know any one could have guessed it Saura.” I said trying to hold back my lying tone that she always seamed to catch.

“ Yep, that’s it and your also lying and I want to know how you knew that if your not telling me the truth. You know that I know everything about you and your lying conscience that seeps over on your skin. So try anything little man.” She said like my mother always said it before she died when I turned six. Saura, she reminded me of a something that would surpass an angle. She was everything I wanted in a friend and she never really got along with any one else but me, Like I was her match. With he red rose petal hair and her angle face that put all the high time guys at Noblesville High School a head over heals feeling. She always rejected them thou and she never really told my why she just avoided the subject. Her parents loved her but they had to give her up when she was only two cause of what her mother and father where I would tell but she could never get it out of the foster care taker what they were she just said when your older. She never new what that meant. Even thou I was a boy, she was like my diary I could put in anything and she wouldn’t judge me on that. She would understand which was weird cause I could never really look up to any one like that.

“ Nothing, nothing I don’t know it just slipped out. I don’t even remember it going through my mind.” I said starting to walk away as Saura fallowed me.

“SO what do you think this all means, something amazing and like you could be something demonic…” She trailed off in thought and while she spoke to me I gave attention as good as a board would have. I trailed off in thought on how I could of came up with that. I looked up to see something that made me jump back and forced my eye’s to widen.

What my eye’s had discovered was a little girl that had black hair in her face covering her face almost completely. Her age was about or around eight or so. Her dress was bloody and had rips in the white fabric that reached to the top her ankles. Her skin was not pain but a bluish color like what people’s skin looks like when they droned and the air leaves there body and there eye’s are drained of the light that filled them. She stood with her head down and he arms where filled with still bleeding scares.

When I saw her appearance I had a jolt of energy shot though my chest and hit my heart. I bolted back into the parking lot and lied there. Then Saura rushed out to me and went to my side and asked if I had still believed that wasn’t the start of something new. Then she asked me if I could walk. I shook my head yes and hoped up.

“ That would sturdily wake you up in the morning hum Alex.” She said softly and then giggled at the situation and helped my off the ground that was lowering the temperature of my back.

“ That was weird thou you have to admit that.” I said shaking my shaggy golden hair as I walked to the park were Sarah and I always when after school. It was the place we went to since we were younger. It was the hang out for us. There were always two swing that we always sat in.

I plopped into the right falling apart one and then Saura sat in the one next to me stared to sway side to side as we talked about what was going on.

“ Okay so……”

“ So….what there is nothing wrong with what happened” I said looking into the dawn hue’s that started to fill the sky quickly.

“ You know what I mean silly. I mean what just happened you know the thing that you saw that like rammed you back to the ground. Oh and you say what are you talking about I’ll see your lie face.” She pointed out again.

“ Okay I am hiding something but you wouldn’t want to……” I trailed off to her face and saw that she would understand so I spoke the truth. “ Well I saw a, get this, a dead little girl. Crazy huh?” I said with a little bit of stuttering at the end of my sentence.

“ That is out of the ordinary what do you think it could mean.” She said thinking of what this could all mean.

“ I don’t know but what ever it is well

Do this together right Saura?”

“ Right friends forever and never backstabbing or lies right”

“Right I just hope that we can figure out what’s going on before it kills us. You know I have a bad feeling coming on now.”

“ Hey do you think that she’s connected to the school murder?”

“of course she is like what type of situation has a massive murder in it and then a little dead girl near the sire watching every thing fall into place right.”

“ Right. And you know.”

“ No? What do I know?”

“ Well I just hope what we don’t know won’t kill…. Alex?” She said in her worried tone of voice.

“ What are you okay?” I said turning to her something wasn’t right I had that feeling again. This worried me greatly.

“ Be careful I already lost my parents and I don’t want to lose you as well. Okay”

“ Don’t worry about me I’ll be ok. I’ll have to worry about you it more like it.”

“ Oh yuh and why is that, and you better not say cause I’m a girl cause if you do I’m so going to get you.” she said in her playful voice.

“ No cause your mischievous and get into to trouble and I want to be there to get you out of any deep ditch you get into someday along our journey.”

“ You know and knowing me and my crazy idea’s you be doing that a lot and I’ll be there to help. I don’t know how but I will..” She said in a giggle.

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Suzanne   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello there Bat Chick!

I made your title lower case, and not all caps. It's annoying for titles to be in all caps - please do not do it.

Also, why not introduce yourself to us in the welcome section?


If you have any questions or need help with something, feel free to Pm me!

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Writing for love is a pas   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:17 pm    Post subject: Re: A Trickery ch. 1 Reply with quote

[quote="BATCHICK785"]I don’t know how all this happens, but it does, and it happens to me. It seems that I always get the fallen angel on my shoulder that’s screwing up my life, making it haunt me in every waking moment of it. Good start, although it kind of sounds like a run on. Meybe two sentances?
There is always and evil presence that I feel when I’m alone. Like something that’s trying to get inside me. I would call it a quince dins. Yet in life there are no such terms that are exist.
So now as I walk up too(to) the building that I will soon regret, my adventure starts. The building has a hate feeling strung across it’s border ,school.
“ Hey Saura what’s up…” I trailed off when I saw the
“DO NOT CROSS” tape that surrounded what seemed
like prism(prison?) . The tape was strung across the border of the high school. “ Hey what happened here? why (Why)is that tape here and everything Saura?” I said(ask) not taking my eye’s off the tape and the flashing light that filled the sky and faded away the darkness.
“ There was a massive murder here last night. the(The) night guy found something gory.“ She paused and(for) some reason I knew the rest of what she was going to say.
“ That there was (were instead of was) five students strung up and down the hallway, all hung from old made ropes down the hall (take out hung)hung. Also that there was three girls and two boys all lined up every other gender ,right.” I said in flatly not taking my eye’s off the crime scene.
“ Oh my god, that’s right! (Hey) hey how did you know that Alex? was (Was)it on the news already? they (They) haven’t even reported it yet. How did you do that man, that was awesome?” She said in a weirder (Tone, maybe, after wierder) and she pulled her gaze off the crime scene and at my face as I looked at her and then back on the scene.
My only reply that I could make was, “ I don’t know I guess I just ……….well I could have just guessed, you know, any one could have guessed it Saura.” I said trying to hold back my lying tone that she always seamed to catch.
“ Yep, that’s it and your also lying and I want to know how you knew that, (since you're not telling me the truth, maybe?)if your not telling me the truth. You know that I know everything about you and your lying conscience that seeps over on your skin. So try anything little man.” She said like my mother always said it before she died when I turned six. Saura, she reminded me of a something that would surpass an angle. She was everything I wanted in a friend and she never really got along with any one else but me,(.) Like I was her match. With her red rose petal hair and her angle face that put(Gave instaed of put) all the high time guys at Noblesville High School a head over heals feeling. She always rejected them though and she never really told my why, she just avoided the subject. Her parents loved her but they had to give her up when she was only two cause of what her mother and father where I would tell but she could never get it out of the foster care taker what they were she just said when your older. She never new what that meant. Even though I was a boy, she was like my diary I could put in anything and she wouldn’t judge me on that. She would understand which was weird cause I could never really look up to any one like that.

Okay, info drop. Break this down to pieces. Escpecially the foster care part. It's a big run-on, and I have no idea what you were talking about! This is all I have time for, Ill be back. I like your story so far, it's unique and interesting. Keep going!

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