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Love You Forever
Love You Forever

by Cat_910 in Lyric Poetry
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This thread was created on July 20, 2008
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Kate Has 8 Lives.
Kate Has 8 Lives. Chapter 2.
Kate Has 8 Lives :3rd Chapter
Kate Has 8 Lives :Chapter 5

Kate Has 8 Lives :Chapter 4

Topic ID: 33325
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Curlyqpride   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 11:49 pm    Post subject: Kate Has 8 Lives :Chapter 4 Reply with quote

Chapter 4: All Amazing Jack

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kate began walking out the office door; or should she say heavens office door.

It just felt all so unreal. Her feet walking in soft clouds that felt like ripped cotton and fog, the fact that her whole background right now was just the blue sky and other clouds, and also, a man in a suit with a unnecessary large pair of wings was floating behind her.

They reached a perfectly circle hole in the cloudy ground, where you looked down, all you saw was light blue.

“Alright Kate, now listen, I am going to push you in this hole, and you will be back in the hospit- Kate are you okay?”, Jack looked over to see Kate biting her nails.

“Oh no, I’m fine. Just worried about falling five zillion trillion feet to the ground, that’s all.” Kate blabbed.

Jack laughed. He couldn’t help it, here he saw a girl who spent most of her time stealing from markets and stores, not caring if she could end up in the slammer, and now he saw her shaking like a leaf.. Priceless.

“Don’t worry Kate, this is a portal, you won’t be falling onto anything.”

Kate looked down at the hole again.

“Jack, are you absolutely positively positive?” She choked.

“Hundred percent. I’ve delt with this for a hundred and fifty-six years, I think I would know what I am talking about.”

‘A hundred and fifty six? Wouldn’t he be an old bag? Dang this guy could kill me if he wanted to if he can force me to go down this hole’ Kate thought. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have been such a little-’

“First of all Kate,” Jack started, “I’m a spirit, spirits do not grow older, I wouldn’t have expected you to know that. Second of all, I give lives, I don’t kill the person or purposely take away them because someone gets on my last nerve. That is ridiculous.”, He looked at Kate who was in absolute shock.

“Besides, if I did, you would have already been dead and have to stay here.” He added playfully as Kate gulped.

“How di-did you?”

“Read your mind? Hmm, I never seemed to figure that one out, I am just gifted, that’s all.”, Jack then snapped his fingers and a mug of coffee with a black kitten on it appeared out of no where.

He took a sip, “That’s the stuff! A cup more and I’ll be back to my normal jitters! You have been one tiring client Kate!”.

Kate couldn’t help notice how jittery Jack was. She couldn’t tell if maybe the coffee had all to do with it, because he acted like he had a bug crawling up his sleeves, and he always had to do something. It was very annoying, but Kate did her best to push it out of her mind so Jack wouldn’t read her like a book again (to her astonishment).

Jack sighed, “Well, well, I guess it is time for you to jump down. I will keep good company of your cat until you come back up here.”

The last six words hit Kate like a brick.

“Jack, what do you mean come back? Sure, yea, okay you handed me eight lives, but that doesn’t mean I need the next one. I’m pretty sure I can stay out death ‘till I reach about ninety.” She assured.

Jack grinned widely, exposing his coffee stained teeth.

“Oh, don’t be so sure. Take this like a story Kate, because the bad guy always learns their lesson.”

And at that, Kate fell in the hole. She didn’t even have time to think about what Jack had said, or about the feeling of going through the hole, because when she fell.

Everything went white…


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Clo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Curly!

I just noticed that you're running out of points. You need to get reviewing, or you won't be able to post any more stories for a while. Sad

Quote:
Kate began walking out the office door; or should she say heavens office door.

Semi-colon isn't proper usage. Think of it as a substitute "and" (though not always - semi-colons are tricky). A dash would be the best bet here. "- or should she say, heaven's office door"
And put a comma in there by the way, like I did.

Quote:
They reached a perfectly circle hole in the cloudy ground

perfectly circular

Quote:
where you looked down, all you saw was light blue.

I don't think "where" is the right thing to be using here. try rephrasing it like this: "When she looked down, all she saw was light blue".

Quote:
“Alright Kate, now listen, I am going to push you in this hole, and you will be back in the hospit- Kate are you okay?”, Jack looked over to see Kate biting her nails

"Alright, Kate, now listen." (period, not a comma)
Aw. bad after-dialogue comma! No need for that one.

Quote:
and now he saw her shaking like a leaf.. Priceless.

There's two period marks there. Ditch one.

Quote:
Dang this guy could kill me if he wanted to if he can force me to go down this hole’

"Dang, this guy could kill me if he wanted to, if he can force me to go down this hole."
Some necessary commas.

Quote:
“Besides, if I did, you would have already been dead and have to stay here.” He added playfully as Kate gulped.

Don't capitalize "he" and "she" and words like those after dialogue. it should be: "he added".

Quote:
Hmm, I never seemed to figure that one out, I am just gifted, that’s all.”, Jack then snapped his fingers and a mug of coffee with a black kitten on it appeared out of no where

"never seemed to figure that one out. I am just gifted, that's all." Period. And NO COMMA AFTER DIALOGUE! *chases you with stick*
and "nowhere".

Quote:
You have been one tiring client Kate!”.

No period or any punctuation after character dialogue.

Quote:
because when she fell.

Everything went white…

because when she fell? You don't finish this sentence. If it's connected with that last bit there, then connect it.

Overall, another cute installment. This one was very short so I feel like I don't have much to say. I think perhaps you should have stated Jack's jittery-ness in the previous chapter, and then reinstated it here. It's sort of strange for her to be thinking this as she departs from him, rather than as she's actually dealing with him.

Can't wait for the next part!

PM me with questions. Thanks for the read. C:

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shelbell   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey girl,

Another interesting part of the story. I felt this was more a filler to get to the next part, but I understand that. It was short so I guess I don't really have much to say.

The awkward sections...(as always in my reviews)
Quote:
Kate began walking out the office door; or should she say heavens office door.

The bold section is the awkward to read. I know what your going for (trying to say "or should I say" but trying to keep it in third person), but it reads oddly. Try changing it to "Kate began walking out the office door; or rather heaven's office door".

Quote:
It just felt all so unreal. Her feet walking in soft clouds that felt like ripped cotton and fog, the fact that her whole background right now was just the blue sky and other clouds, and also, a man in a suit with a unnecessary large pair of wings was floating behind her.

The wording in this section is just kind of off. Try reading it out loud to find anything awkward. You might want to rework this section so it read better.

The only other thing is your quotation grammer. You may want to write down the rules to have next to you when you are writing so you have them as a reference. It doesn't seem like you have them down yet. If you need a hand, PM me and I'll help you out with them. =)

Another good chapter, can't wait for more!
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A brilliant chapter. but...

double full stops! no need. See, you do this:
blah blah.. yeah and this happens. yeah la di dah, blah...
Either use one full stop to end a sentance, or use three to lead off into the end of the sentance...like i just did because i have more to say!

Jack's still a little on the weak side. He's funny though with the 'shaking like a leaf' 'he laughed' i find it funny too Smile He's got the kind of humor i crave in a character. He's simple but what he says is still funny and introduces light to her dark situation. I love that.

You also have this weird habit of having a full stop, closing speech, then a comma..???? As so:
That is ridiculous.”,

Haha. No need for the comma - spell check would've picked it up most likely.

Well done - MORE MORE MORE!!!!!!

The ending is quite arupt and it throws in the suspense, stupid you! Gahh now i want to read on. You've got talent. Must... read... on


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