Topic ID: 33289
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Nolan
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 94
Reviews: 44
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
330 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 4:54 am Post subject: Caught Sight |
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Oh, the water burned
On that sunny night.
The fire churned
In that dark daylight.
The big men shrieked,
And the old women ran.
The little elephants freaked,
And big mice took a stand.
The smoke sank so deep,
Down below the grass.
Over the rocks fire creeped,
The first was the last.
The lightning thundered,
And the tornado spooked.
The ballerina blundered ,
And the blind man looked.
Oh, on that bright, bright night,
When it was so chaoticly calm,
The world caught sight
Of the peace of the atomic bomb. |
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
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Blink
I think therefore I Blink.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 13 Jul 2008
Posts: 402
Reviews: 53
Country: Where the people dwell.
849 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 5:05 pm Post subject: |
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Heya!
Firstly, in case you didn't know there's no need to put a capital letter at the start of a new line, only, as with prose, at the start of a new sentence or with a proper noun. I also noticed that you haven't kept to the 2:1 review:submission rule.
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Oh, the water burned
On that sunny night.
The fire churned
In that dark daylight. |
This is a great opening but I think the first 'Oh' is unnecessary. I also find the contrast between the words very effective on lines 1 and 3.
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The big men shrieked,
And the old women ran.
The little elephants freaked,
And big mice took a stand. |
This is the least effective of the stanzas, I think it's mainly the flow of the poem. The last line would be better as: "and huge mice stood." (I hate 'big'  and you used it twice, a little to weak perhaps?)
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| The ballerina blundered , |
*gasp* a space?
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| Of the peace of the atomic bomb. |
There are a few too many syllables, how about: "of the peaceful atomic bomb," to remove unnecessary length.
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Overall, not a bad poem and I love all the contradictions and juxtaposition but I'm still not entirely sure what the meaning behind it is. I would say it's that bombs destroy for peace but that might be too in-depth. Fun poem, write some more!
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shanan-cat
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 23 Jan 2008
Posts: 154
Reviews: 120
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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Okay... That was good, very good! It had good flow to it, I just thought that there were a few things that you need too change-- and that's under my point of view.
1) You don't need have a comma in certain places in your poem. I'll give you an example:
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The big men shrieked,
And the old women ran. |
I don't think that you need a comma there. And you don't need to have every line start with a capital, okay?
And other than that, you're good to go man!
Happy writting! |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 474
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
380 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:24 pm Post subject: |
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I really, really liked this poem! I don't know if it's the contradictions in each stanza, the overall flow of the poem, the whole piece, or the fact that I'm completely against using the atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki...
I just completely loved this poem! I thought the flow was fine. And if you change the last line to what he advised, I feel like it would make the final statement less powerful.
Great poem!
Excellent work!
-GC10 |
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