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This thread was created on July 20, 2008
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The Question of Help
Topic ID: 33287
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Nolan
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 92
Reviews: 43
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 4:47 am Post subject: The Question of Help |
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_________________
"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan
Last edited by Nolan on Sun Sep 14, 2008 4:18 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Jared
because bears do it better
Master of the Forum
Gender:
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Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1570
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Country: USA
1186 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 5:50 am Post subject: |
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First off, ditch the second paragraph. "Haha, not!" is not working for this piece.
The main problem with this is I think the tone needs to be formal. Right now, this is just too open. An essay basically can be summed up like this:
Hook your reader with your introduction, zoom through the body and get outta there!
Yes. We don't care if you've donated to other charities! That's not the point of this essay! It's to tell us that we need to get off of our butts and go and help some other people.
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Personally, I find nothing
wrong with giving to anybody, no matter who they are or what they
believe. |
Always, always, always, ALWAYS save your opinion for the closing paragraph. We want facts and vivid descriptions of what is going on within the main body of the essay. Save your opinions til later.
I can't find anything else majorly wrong with this. What I would focus on is:
1) Make it seem a little more formal.
2) Use bigger and badder descriptions.
3) Save your opinions until the last paragraph.
-Jared |
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| This thread was created on July 20, 2008 |
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