Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Crazy Little Thing II
Crazy Little Thing II

by Areida in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 19, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


First Best Friend

Topic ID: 33279
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
shelbell   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

15
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 27 Jun 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 15

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:14 am    Post subject: First Best Friend Reply with quote

Here is chapter two of "The Firsts". I'm not sure if I got this part right so feel free to rip it apart. I'll be editing the first part soon. Thanks for reading! - Shell

-----------------

3 Months Later

I pull my car into the familiar spot outside of Aaron’s large house as the sun begins to set. The cold December air bites through my blue North Face. Aaron lets me in, and we walk down to the small basement to pass the time till his family arrives. I’m early, per Aaron’s request.

As we settle into the huge beanbag cushion together, Aaron turns the TV. Pulling down the bottom of my cranberry red v-neck top as it rises slightly, I fidget around the cushion trying to get comfortable in my dark wash ‘nice’ jeans.

“Are you nervous?” Aaron asks sensing my quietness.

“Kinda,” I reply honestly, “It’s not just your grandma this time, but like your whole family.”

“You’ll be fine. My grandma already loves you and so will everyone else,” Aaron says reassuringly, rubbing my arm to comfort me. I smile at him.

The doorbell ringing and dogs barking signals the party is starting; we head up back upstairs. After hugging his grandmother in the front room, we move to the spacious kitchen where we grab glasses of the children’s Egg Nogg. Soon a collection of tall and short, young and old, but all blonde family members arrive, and Aaron smiles his heart-warming smile to comfort me.

I stand next to Aaron looking around. Suddenly, the familiar confines of his house are awkward and uncomfortable. The feeling has no time to settle as Aaron starts to introduce me to his family.

“Hey Aunt Jane. Merry Christmas,” Aaron says to a middle aged blonde woman about my height.

“Hello Aaron. Happy Christmas to you too,” she replies hugging and kissing him. Aaron blushes slightly as I smile at him. “How are you darling?”

Aaron’s cheeks redden even more at his aunt’s antics, “I’m good.”

“You look so grown up,” she says examining Aaron’s dark wash jeans and green button up shirt, “And who is this young lady?” she says smiling at me.

“Aunt Jane, this is Marissa. Ris, this is my Aunt Jane. She’s my mom’s sister,” Aaron introduces.

“Hello,” I reply extending my hand in hello, “Nice to meet you.”

“Hello dear,” she says shaking my hand, “Why you are beautiful. Don’t you think so Aaron?” Both Aaron and my cheeks redden at her comment. I find myself examining the carpet, smiling.

“Yeah, she does,” I hear Aaron say. My eyes go back up, and I find Aaron smiling at me.

“Thank you both,” I reply as my blush deepens. I’m at a loss for words suddenly. Aaron and his aunt have the normal family conversation: life, sports, school, driving. She is pulled away by another family member, and Aaron makes his way through the room introducing me the same way to the rest of his large family.

Standing at the back door, looking out at the snow falling over the large backyard, finally done with saying hello, we smell that the food is ready. We are about to join the rest of the family eating when Aaron spots one last family member that we never said hello too, his grandfather.

“Hey Grandpa. Merry Christmas,” Aaron says shaking his grandfather’s hand.

“Hello Aaron. How are you son?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“Still living son, so good,” his grandfather says smiling.

“Yep that’s good Grandpa,” Aaron smiles back, “This is Marissa.”

“Hi,” I say still unsure about what to say even though I’ve met probably fifty people tonight.

“Hello young lady,” he says. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“You too sir,” I reply being polite.

“Wow, Aaron, you’ve got quiet a polite girlfriend here.” My head whips around to look at Aaron, hoping I know what he is going to say next, and stare back into his clear blue eyes.

“No Grandpa, she’s not my girlfriend. She’s better than that,” he replies looking at me the whole time, “She’s my best friend.” I can feel my smile grow and my heart warm. He has just given me the best Christmas present, being my best friend.

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
alwaysawriter   View This User's Portfolio
is back to writing and critiquing.
Speaker of the Forum

126
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 May 2008
Posts: 898
Reviews: 126
Country: Hiding where , somehow, everyone can find me.
324 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 1:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was short but I liked it. Smile

Quote:
Aaron lets me in, and
No comma.

Quote:
I’m early, per Aaron’s request.
This is an okay line but maybe try "I'm early as per Aaron's request."

Quote:
‘nice’
Put it in quotation marks.

Quote:
grandma
Capitalize the first letter.

Quote:
this time, but
Take out the comma.

Quote:
reassuringly
You don't need this word.

Quote:
Egg Nogg
No need to capitalize it.

Quote:
arrive, and Aaron
No comma.

Quote:
to comfort me
Take that out and replace it by 'Again'.

Quote:
back up, and
No comma.

Quote:
hello too, his grandfather
Replace the comma with a semi-colon.

Quote:
being polite
Doesn't have to be there.

Quote:
“Yep that’s good Grandpa
"Yep; that's good, Grandpa."

Quote:
say next, and stare
No comma.

Quote:
present, being my best friend.
Semi colon instead of a comma and try "...present; by being my best friend."

_________________
Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Maybe   View This User's Portfolio
Maybe Not.
Master of the Forum

95
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 10 Mar 2007
Posts: 2007
Reviews: 95
Country: Outer Space
350 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As promised, here is your review. Any comments are but my humble opinion, so if it sounds harsh, don't take it to heart. But perhaps keep it in mind.

Corrections in red. Comments in blue.

Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)



Well.

Besides the few things that I pointed out, I really liked this. Your ending was perfect. And again, I'm not just saying that because we're related. I mean it. It was sweet and enjoyable. A plus there.

Your spelling and grammar is excellent in this. I could hardly find a single mistake. Another plus for you.

Character development is good, too. I got a clear feel for Marissa and Aaron's personalities, as well as the grandfather and aunt, even thought we saw very little of the last two. Yet another plus for you.

Keep it up and definitely let me know when you add the next part. Smile

-Ari

_________________
"It's funny, I thought with it being my plane and all that it would just wait for me to get there... I mean doesn't it kind of defeat the whole purpose of having your own plane if it departs before you arrive?"
Note: Gone from 11/23-11/30(ish).
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Gladius   View This User's Portfolio
Zelda Nerd
Speaker of the Forum

87
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 14 Dec 2007
Posts: 643
Reviews: 87
Country: Tureen
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hola, Shel! *reads*

Just a few little things, now--
GUM (Grammar Usage and Mechanics)

Quote:
The cold December air bites through my blue North Face. Aaron lets me in, and we walk down to the small basement to pass the time till his family arrives.

blue North Face? :weird: Might I ask what the heck that is? I have a bit of an idea, but try to clarify that bit some. Wink The only other thing here is the "till"--let me give you a tiny grammar lesson. What you're trying to say is a contracted version of 'until'--what you've actually written is "till", which is a verb meaning 'to turn the earth'. What you want is 'til. Smile

Quote:
As we settle into the huge beanbag cushion together, Aaron turns on the TV. Pulling down the bottom of my cranberry red v-neck top as it rises slightly, I fidget around the cushion trying to get comfortable in my dark wash ‘nice’ jeans.

Hmm. I find the second sentence a little awkward. Try to tidy up your descriptions of her clothing--I myself only vaguely understand the term 'dark wash' jeans. Maybe try: Pulling down the collar of my cranberry-red v-neck top as it inches up my chest, I fidget around on the cushion, trying to get comfortable in my dark-wash "nice" jeans. *shrug*

Quote:
“Are you nervous?” Aaron asks, sensing my quietness.


“Kinda,” I reply honestly. “It’s not just your grandma this time, but like your whole family.” [/quote]
Here, I disagree with Always' crit. The like in here is a dialect thing. Modern teens tend to say it all the time. It simply gives you character a little more depth. *thumbs up*

Analysis
I so agree with Maybe. Other than those things I've just pointed out, I like how these little vignettes are developing! Very Happy Keep it up, can't wait to find out what the next First is. Razz

_________________
When Peace shatters and Darkness stirs--Heroes fall and the Sacred Blade is captured--can Evil be stopped?~The Wings of Darkness

I'm also ZeldaMoogle on Fanfiction.net!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum

692
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found this story to be really quite adorable, especially the ending. Now, before I go into more, I’ll do individual stuff first.

Quote:
As we settle into the huge beanbag cushion together, Aaron turns the TV.


I think you are missing “on” at the end of this sentence. Wink

Quote:
“Are you nervous?” Aaron asks sensing my quietness.


Comma after “asks”

Quote:
I stand next to Aaron looking around.


Comma after “Aaron”

Quote:
“Hey Aunt Jane. Merry Christmas,” Aaron says to a middle aged blonde woman about my height.


Comma after “Hey”

Quote:
“Hello Aaron. Happy Christmas to you too,” she replies hugging and kissing him.


Comma after “Hello”

Quote:
“No Grandpa, she’s not my girlfriend. She’s better than that,” he replies looking at me the whole time, “She’s my best friend.” I can feel my smile grow and my heart warm. He has just given me the best Christmas present, being my best friend.


Wow. You have such a way of making something that would be consider cliché and creating it to make is so romantic and sweet. Good job! Very Happy

Now that that is done, I will say that your writing is really nice. Everything flows well and the plot is really moving along.

But I must say you have to watch out for certain things:

1) UNIMPORTANT INFO. Sometimes, I felt that you included stuff that you didn’t need to and then some stuff that you could have added. For instance, the whole introduction thing felt unimportant but I think that was because you didn’t include enough information for us. Maybe try to expand that and that might help smooth stuff out.

2) PACE. Too rushed, this chapter. Everything moved just way to fast for me. Try to slow things down by adding detail or talking about what she is thinking at this moment.

Other than that, you did well.

Keep Writing! Very Happy

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on July 19, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on July 19, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - Walt Disney
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society