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Xena
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 Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 11:52 am Post subject: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun |
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She glanced over her shoulder, then back at him. “It's almost sunset,” she said as the sun slowly started to melt behind her; turning the sky into a sweet citrus honey. “Will you follow me?” she asked. “Please.”
“I…I don’t…who are you?…” he stuttered.
Her eyes fluttered, elliptical and elegant.
“Those eyes—they’re beautiful,” he thought. He admired them like a painter’s masterpiece. They reminded him of a butterflies wings; a radiating whirlpool of brilliant color and pattern, intricate and stunning. “Those eyes…” he thought, “flawless.”
“Thank you,” she said. Her mosaic eyes flashed in the sinking light like a stained glass cathedral.
“Don’t be scared now, follow me into the sky. We’ll watch the clouds flirt with the stars while the gracious moon smiles and sings. Please?..."
Her dark hair danced in the light breeze, swift and fine. He imagined a billion threads of silk, each one shinier and softer than the next. “Is she real? Is she an angel?” he wondered.
“But… I don’t think I can… I can’t leave, what about my wife and kids? What about—
"Don’t worry about that, they’ll be fine, you’ll see everybody soon enough. Now,…. Please, follow me." She turned around. Her white gown twirled in the air, as gentle and sweet as a mother’s kiss. She looked back at him.
Faint sounds of white dust and dreams beat like drums off in the distance.
He took a slow step forward, and then another, then another.
They embraced and intertwined like trees in an ancient forest, like DNA transferring through mating snakes. Then her bright fluorescent eyes sunk into her head, leaving behind two dark, hallow craters.
It started to get hot.
He blinked and looked around: death, fire and brimstone, everywhere. His foot was shackled to a molten rock. The foul stench of sulfur made love and bore a family inside his nostrils. Then he noticed there was a red dwarf with a goat head and the horns of a bull behind him, poking him in the ass with a pitchfork.
“Well I’ll be damned,” he grumbled, shaking his head, “great… just fuckin great. I knew I should have stayed home today.”
now its you go... (comments/criteeks) |
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Dr. Jamie Bondage
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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This was interesting.
I didn't see any gramatical errors. All the sentences seemed correct.
This seemed really short. I loved your description. it was great. but there doesnzt seem like there's much plot. Maybe expand? Just my thoughhts.
It was a good twist at the end. XD
Hope this helped.
Jamie |
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LoveableLittleSock
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 2:11 pm Post subject: |
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| She glanced over her shoulder, then back at him. “It's almost sunset,” she said as the sun slowly started to melt behind her; turning the sky into a sweet citrus honey. “Will you follow me?” she asked. “Please.” |
You have two tags here - "she said" and "she asked." We already know who's speaking, so don't be repetitive. The last sentence shouldn't have a tag, so it should look like, "Will you follow me? Please?" The "Please" should have a question mark because she is asking the man to come with her.
The semi-colon doesn't belong there, either. It should be, "...sun slowly started to melt behind her, turning the sky..."
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| “I…I don’t…who are you?…” he stuttered. |
Right here. Take this opportunity to describe the man, what he looks like, his mannerisms. Where is he? What's he doing with this woman?
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Her eyes fluttered, elliptical and elegant.
“Those eyes—they’re beautiful,” he thought. He admired them like a painter’s masterpiece. They reminded him of a butterflies wings; a radiating whirlpool of brilliant color and pattern, intricate and stunning. “Those eyes…” he thought, “flawless.” |
This should be one paragraph, first of all. The first one is describing the eyes, and the next one is a reaction to the first sentence. Action, reaction - one paragraph.
The tidbit in the italics - he shouldn't be thinking. It's in quotes, so he's obviously speaking aloud. If you like that verb so much and want to keep it, say "thinking aloud." It confuses the reader when you mix verbs like that.
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“Don’t be scared now, follow me into the sky. We’ll watch the clouds flirt with the stars while the gracious moon smiles and sings. Please?..." |
One: That.. it just sounds strange, that sentence, when a person speaks it. Try to turn it into a description. And I don't think the periods should be after that question mark. Just leave it at, "Please?"
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| “Is she real? Is she an angel?” he wondered. |
Again, "wondered ALOUD." It's confusing to the reader.
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| “But… I don’t think I can… I can’t leave, what about my wife and kids? What about— |
Why are you having him speak in two separate paragraphs? If it's the same speaker, and he's talking un-interrupted, then make all his quotes in one paragraph. "Is she real? Is she an angel?" he wondered aloud." The insert something here describing how he's realizing he can't leave, for the reason he's about to state. "But... I don't think I can... I can't leave... etc, etc."
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"Don’t worry about that, they’ll be fine, .you’ll see everybody soon enough. Now,…. Please, follow me." She turned around. Her white gown twirled in the air, as gentle and sweet as a mother’s kiss. She looked back at him. |
The "Now,..." it's either a comma or three dots. You can only choose one, not both.
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| Faint sounds of white dust and dreams beat like drums off in the distance. |
This should be attached to the last paragraph.
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He took a slow step forward, and then another, then another.
They embraced and intertwined like trees in an ancient forest, like DNA transferring through mating snakes. Then her bright fluorescent eyes sunk into her head, leaving behind two dark, hallow craters.
It started to get hot. |
I don't understand the format of this paragraph. The first sentence should either be on it's own, or attached to the series of sentences below it. It shouldn't sit on top, by itself. But other than that, this paragraph is fine, other than "bright fluorescent" should have a comma separating each other, and it should be "hollow," and not "hallow."
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He blinked and looked around: death, fire and brimstone, everywhere. His foot was shackled to a molten rock. The foul stench of sulfur made love and bore a family inside his nostrils. Then he noticed there was a red dwarf with a goat head and the horns of a bull behind him, poking him in the ass with a pitchfork.
“Well I’ll be damned,” he grumbled, shaking his head, “great… just fuckin great. I knew I should have stayed home today.”
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Detach the man's sentence and the description of hell from each other. And it should be, "Great... just fuckin' great..."
~~~
CHARACTERS
ANGEL/WOMAN
This was a really strange character. The way she spoke, I see you wanted her vocabulary to sound elaborate and pretty, but it just came off as if she was trying to hard. "Watch the stars flirt with the clouds as the gracious moon smiles and sings?" She may be an angel, but I mean, that just sounds sort of of stupid when you say it aloud.
Her eyes: Wow. They must be incredibly... magical-looking. Was that how she lured him? With her beauty? Did she mystify him, or manipulate him? You have to give us some background on how she got him there. And if this is a, "I thought I was going to heaven, but I'm in hell instead," thing, then show the dude dying. You're going to leave us confused and wishing that you wrote more description. You shouldn't have to rely on the reader to make so many inferences.
MAN
This guy is weird. At first, he's simply enchanted with this angel woman person, and then he's all like, "No, no, I can't go with you. My wife and kids will want me..." How is his opinion turned around so quickly? Why does he decide to go with her? Because she said, "Oh, they'll be fine. Get off your ass and come with me."
Where is this guy, by the way? Where the heck is this story taking place? I've gotten the heaven/hell demon/angel gist, but why? Did he die? Do they want his soul or something? Was this angel woman sent by the devil? Or is this some twisted fantasy story where he's instantly teleported to random places when woman's eyes fall into their face?|
SIMILES
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| He admired them like a painter’s masterpiece. |
| Quote: |
| Her mosaic eyes flashed in the sinking light like a stained glass cathedral. |
| Quote: |
| Her white gown twirled in the air, as gentle and sweet as a mother’s kiss. |
| Quote: |
| They embraced and intertwined like trees in an ancient forest, like DNA transferring through mating snakes. |
| Quote: |
| Faint sounds of white dust and dreams beat like drums off in the distance. |
You do realize that five similes in a story this short in overwhelming. We don't need all this description! Most of the metaphors you used where enough, so don't go overboard. Try to get rid of some of these.
DIALOGUE
Not the smoothest I've ever read. People are constantly tripping over their words, and the punctuation is everywhere. Almost every piece begins, ends, or has a "..." somewhere hidden in it. The dialogue seems stifled and unnatural. Try reading this story to yourself aloud, and you'll know what I mean.
OVERALL
I didn't like this (Sorry!). This wasn't much of a story really, but a bunch of pretty words mashed together. The plot and story was nonexistent, and it really didn't flow the way a short story should. This was painfully short, and you didn't give us enough description on IMPORTANT things.
The way you wrote this was you used your vocabulary to make the story. If you didn't use all these nice words like "elliptical" "flawless" "stunning" and the like, then you would get much harsher critiques. And what you described was worse, because although it was nice to know how beautiful her eyes and her dress were, you should have described their surroundings and the MAN. You didn't describe the man at all. How did he get there? What does he look like? What does he think about his situation? The readers are ending up not caring about your characters, and that's bad. Who wants to read a story about characters they don't care about?
Work on this. Work on this a lot. We need background information, more description on more relevant things, and setting. We have the last setting, where he ends up in this hellish place, but that's all the setting you give us. And this whole entire story is this woman trying to convince the man to go someplace with her. Where is she trying to bring him? And why did the man think that he wouldn't see his family ever again? And his last words: What is running through his mind at that moment? Why is he angry? Disappointed? How could have staying at home prevented him from ending up where he is now?
If you have any questions, concerns, or cries of outrage, just PM me.
~*Sara*~ |
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Xena
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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THANK YOUUU....you loveable little sock you!..
ps. there are xena ring tones being advertised above me in the banners ... im buying them all |
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| Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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Your description is well...amazing! I have some questions though,
Is she an angel? Or is she a faery? Hell's angel? Pixie? Her eyes, I know, are what draws the people in, but, Ahh! I wish I had her eyes.
Your flow was excellent.
good job, but next time, don't leave me hangin like that! Post the next chapter. |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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How interesting...
I love this chick! I don't know why, she's just awesome. Is she some type of angel or something?
Anywho, I like this alot. Is there more?
I can't give anything constructive (that hasn't been said already)... well done.
PM me when you get more up (or if). |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:12 pm Post subject: |
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Interesting. Your descriptions were mighty fine, I'll give you that 
But I must agree with LovableLittleSock that it didn't have much of a plot or anything. You need to expand, give it some insight, some purpose. But I do like your writing. It has such a lyrical sound to it. It's really quite beautiful. And I did like the bases of this story, where the beautiful maiden seduces a married man and then he cheats and basically goes to hell. You have a point, if I'm right in assuming what it is, and I think you should go for it. Just expand and everything I think will work out! 
Keep Writing! |
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Xena
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject: fuzzy |
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| danke people.. and yea, you bonked it on the head ashlylaya. i really wasnt gonna do anything else with this, but ill probably put something together, with allthe editing tips and what not... |
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salsashanno
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 3:08 am Post subject: |
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Although this was beautifully written, I was left feeling very confused. It lacks a plot, and the story changes drastically from the beginning to the end, and it's very short to begin with. I think that, unless you plan on releasing another chapter, you need to take a lot of time to edit this and clarify it. I understand that you're trying to be different and unique, but I also think you should remember that we all can't be inside your head, so we only know what you give us, not all the little facts you've stored up in your brain. I think with some work this could be really fantastic, just keep at it. Also, perhaps this would be better off in the sci-fi section than romantic fiction?
xoxo,
shannon |
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Xena
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 8:25 am Post subject: |
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salsa dancer... you are in my head.... you knwowht i ws thinkging? are you a psycic... Witch>???? you kwno whgy? beaues.. ill tell you why.. i think when posted the new version or with every other peice of thing i m going to post... i was gonna emphesiszing people to tell me if parts of it were cofusing.. because i often forget that you people are in fact not actually me.. and might not understand it.. ad cause like you said... i knwo everythig that im tyrig to say.. its a usually super fantasitic picture .. it sucks that you gys arnt me and cant see it..adn so if some parts you dont undersand cause like i dont add enough detail.. cause you cants see and arnt my head.. and thats nobodies fault but yours. so i guesst maybe youneed to take some mind reader classes.. and then reread my story.. which then will be 33e time sbetter and clearer. ugh.. shut up xena, i know your a warrior and a princces but are stupid.. and it hurts me. it hurts me right here...  |
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[deleted3]
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 9:32 pm Post subject: |
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This was a very interesting piece of writing for a 60yr old lady lol.
Well, I don't know if this turned me on, off, scared me, made me think of serenity, made me think of glum and gloom... but I really liked it.
I'd have to agree with one of the other critiques; in the opening sentences, when you said she said, she asked. That was awkward, I'd change that.
"He blinked and looked around: death, fire and brimstone, everywhere. His foot was shackled to a molten rock. The foul stench of sulfur made love and bore a family inside his nostrils. Then he noticed there was a red dwarf with a goat head and the horns of a bull behind him, poking him in the ass with a pitchfork."
That above^ was really well written and descriptive and I liked it a lot, but at the same time that I liked it, I also am scared of you as a man! |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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I have to agree with VicternoO that it's an incredible story for a 60 years old lady.
Is your character a fairy?a pixie?an angel?
By your description about her I can say that she is not a human.
Who is that man anyway?And why is with this women if he already has a wife?
Good story though
Will you continue it? |
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Hopless Romantic123
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| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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It's rare that I read a piece of work with such vivid descriptions for a characters surroundings. I loved how you compared the characters thoughts to feelings and nature! Very well done in that respect.
[quote] “Those eyes…” he thought, “flawless.”
“Thank you,” she said. Her mosaic eyes flashed in the sinking light like a stained glass cathedral.
This I did not understand. Unless the woman had some way of reading this mans thoughts, then how could she know what he was thinking? And if she did have that ability, it should have been explained.
"...he thought [u]aloud" would have worked too!
I like how the story leaves the reader hanging, asking questions, you know?
I personally was left full of questions after reading...
What was that girl/woman really?
Was she a girl or a woman?
Why such interest in this certain man that had a family?
What was the deal with the lava/rock and the little devil?
Where does this take place?
When?
Etc.................
Almost too many questions, in my opinion, a little more detail in that area wouldn't have hurt.
Very well done. I agree with what they say in that talent never dies with age, and honey you got talent.
So what else have you written?  |
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Xena
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 3:49 am Post subject: |
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Thank you, you cute little bear that i thought was an ant eater at first you. Im working on the re-write! and so maybe it will be better then! OK! thanks, agane!!  |
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Hopless Romantic123
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 5:17 am Post subject: |
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LOL!!
No problem. I do kind of look like and ant eater, but I'm glad that you figured I am a bear.
Good luck on the re-write!
You seem like a really cool person!!
toddles! |
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