fun4eva
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 12 Jul 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 18
Country: India
174 Points
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 Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 11:07 am Post subject: Chapter 1:The night at the villa... |
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It had been a tiring Friday at school. I came home, threw my bag onto the bed and called up my friend.
"So, you coming today?" I asked.
"Well...." she began from the other end of the phone.
"You have to. Come on, you promised us" I said whining like a lost puppy.
"I can come” she paused “but I don't want to”.
Are you skipping out to read that new book? Oh come on Patricia. Everyone's going to be there. Bring it with you if you have to, but you should still come."
That was so like Patricia. We were heading to Kim's aunt’s beautiful villa for the rest of the weekend to chill out and all she could think about was reading her book. If someone gave Patricia a whole library one day, even that probably wouldn't be enough to satisfy her. I'm pretty sure if they stop publishing any more books today she can finish all of the books ever written by the time she was ninety. Given she lived to be that old.
She finally agreed to come if we wouldn't tease her bookworm, that’s what most of the girls do. We met Patricia at Tania’s house. We were all going to leave from there. Some of us went in Tania’s car and the others with Kim and her aunt.
Kim's aunt was a sweet lady and a smart one too. She was, in fact, a professor at a college in the UK two years ago. She thought English so she had great story-telling skills. She decided to move back here when the royal family came back to power and she had to fulfil some personal duties. She was an excellent cook too, according to what Kim had told us about her, so we were all eager for dinner and to feast on the delicacies she would serve.
On the way to the villa, Sharon and Patricia had a little fight because Sharon spill coffee on Patricia's book by mistake. But it didn't end over there. Supposedly Sharon made a comment about how Patricia was being a spoilsport with her nose in the book the whole time. Although Patricia did not say anything her eyes said it all. At that moment, the anger in Patricia's eyes could set a piece of paper on fire. I had never seen her so violent before...never.
The next day was completely out of control. The villa was so palatial that we did not get time to explore it completely. We got ready early in the morning and went for a walk in Kim's garden, where we spent hours walking through the lush, green plants and sitting beside the wonderful water fountain of roman architecture and pouring our heart out to each other.
For a change, we did not see Patricia with that creepy book. At that minute Carol asked us if we heard any voices last night. Kim and I had to be the first ones to agree as our room was right below the attic. All those creepy noises at night did not disturb me as I was a heavy sleeper and so was Kim. But Carol said that her room was the one right next to the backyard.
"It must be those wretched Gypsies. They sneak in at night" Kim told us.
After chatting at the garden, we headed to the beach, which was just a stone's throw away from the villa. It was a hot day so the sun was scorching the beach but we all had our sunscreens on so it didn't make much of a difference to us. We played volleyball, which was something Tania did for the first time as she always tries to stay away from sports to keep from humiliating herself. She played basketball once but scored a basket in the other team and her team members were furious at her for that. That was the end of it. But she had to admit that volleyball was fun. And she was quite a good player too.
Patricia, of course, did not really take interest in all this. All she could do was read her book with such great concentration that it looked like she was hypnotised by the ridiculous story. Trust me, I had read it. This was probably because she had wasted so much time in the morning doing something fun for the first time. I have to admit Patricia can be a real bore at times but if I don't be her friend I have a feeling nobody will give a damn about her. I guess I do care about her in a sort of twisted kind of way.
As it was getting dark we sat by the beach while Kim's aunt barbecued the chicken. The chicken was probably from their poultry. I always thought of Kim as a lucky girl because her aunt was so rich that she had poultry farm and such a beautiful villa to herself. Not to mention being a part of a royal family. How I wish I could have such luck. Coming back to the chicken, it was most definitely the best I had ever eaten. They were soft and melted in our mouths. Sharon loved it so much that she took three helpings. I did feel bad for Sharon sometimes because with her mom's cooking, even straws would be a real treat.
That night, Kim's aunt cast her storytelling skills spell on us and we were lost in the enchanting world of magical forests and handsome princes and sad princesses. For once, Patricia's reading was put to good use. The stories Patricia told us at night were horrifying. The incidents that take place in the story was something that would have never crossed my mind.
At night we said our good nights and went to our rooms. As I said before, I am a heavy sleeper but that night something seemed to be disturbing me. I was restless in bed, turning and twisting from side to side. I couldn't get what was wrong. I decided to go downstairs and get something to eat. As I walked downstairs, I got the feeling that you get when you know you are not alone in the room. I looked around and saw no one. I went to the fridge and started running my eyes through the food items. I couldn't decide what to eat. So I finally settled to cake. I took out a piece of it and was just about to start hogging when I heard a loud clanging sound, like a mass of metal had fallen. I ran outside and saw the Meow, Kim's cat. She was playing around. I hate cats. So I just said to her rudely "ever planning on falling asleep?" even though I knew she didn't understand me. After enjoying my midnight treat I went up to my room hoping to get at least some sleep now. At around two at night I fell asleep.
I was sleeping soundly, when I heard a shrill voice. Someone was screaming. This voice was most definitely not from the attic. I woke up Kim and told her. She said I was probably imagining things because of the stories but I was sure this wasn't my imagination. Kim is the kind of girl who will never admit she is wrong so I decided to investigate this myself. I went downstairs and saw a shadow in the kitchen. As I entered I saw the sight that sent chills down my spine-there lay Sharon's dead body and next to it stood Patricia with an evil smile on her face. |
Last edited by fun4eva on Mon Aug 11, 2008 3:44 am; edited 2 times in total |
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bradsk88
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 27
Reviews: 11
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 9:59 pm Post subject: |
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If you take nothing else from this review, I would at least recommend that you almost never end sentences in exclaimation marks. You can usually take the sentences that end in (!) and put (.) in without changing anything else.
Also, make sure you capitalise, capitalise, capitalise. You missed it on the first letter of a lot of your sentences, plus on "I"s.
Here are my edits for you 
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It was a tiring day at school. I came back home on Friday, threw my bag onto the bed and immediately called up my friend. "so, you coming today?" i asked. "well...." she began from the other end of the phone. "you have to! come on, you promised us" i said whining like a puppy that is searching for its lost mother.
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It had been a tiring Friday at school. I came home, threw my bag onto the bed and called up my friend.
"So, you coming today?" I asked.
"Well, " she began
"You have to! Come on, you promised us!" I said, whining like a lost puppy.
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"i can come but the thing is that i don't want to"
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This sounds a bit unnatural. When you are writing diologue (conversation), read it and think to yourself "would normal people say this on the phone", if the answer is no, rewrite it!
"I can come, " she paused "I just don't want to."
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"oh come on i know you don't want to come because you want to read the new murder mystery book you got last night. come on Patricia, everyone's going to be there. you know you want to. you can get the book along with you"
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Again, people don't talk like this. (That I've seen, at least)
"Are you skipping out to read that new book? Oh come on Patricia! Everyone's going to be there. Bring it with you if you have to, but you should still come!"
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That was so like Patricia. We were heading to Kim's aunty's beautiful villa for the rest of the weekend to chill out and all she could think was reading her book!
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First sentance is great, just change 'think' to 'think about', maybe lose the exclaimation mark.
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If Patricia was given a whole library to her even that wouldn't be enough for her!
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Second needs work (used 'her' and 'Patricia' as double subject):
If someone gave Patricia a whole library one day, even that probably wouldn't be enough to satisfy her.
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I'm pretty sure if they stop publishing any more books now she can finish all of the existing ones by the time she is 90, if she remains alive that is!
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Third too (switched to pres.tense, 'remains' is a strange choice of words):
I'm pretty sure if they stopped publishing books today she'd be able to read every book ever written by the time she was ninety. Given she lived to be that old.
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Anyway, she finally agreed to come if we wouldn't tease her bookworm, thats what most of the girls do. We met Patricia at Tasia's house. we were all going to leave from there. Some of us went in Tasia's car and the others with Kim and her aunt. Kim's aunt was a sweet lady and a smart one too. she was, in fact, a professor in a college in the UK two years ago. She thought English so she had great story-telling skills. She decided to shift back here when her royal family came back to power and she had to come back for some personal duties. She was an excellent cook too, according to what Kim had told us about her, so we were all eager for dinner too. On the way to the villa, Sharon and Patricia had a little fight because Sharon threw coffee on Patricia's book by mistake. But it didn't end over there. Sharon supposedly made a comment how Patricia was being a spoilsport with her nose in the book the whole time. Although Patricia did not say anything her eyes said it all! At that moment, the anger in Patricia's eyes could set a piece of paper on fire! I had never seen her so violent before...never!
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This could be split into three paragraphs. Where I switch between bold and not bold are the places I think it would be best split at.
Here are the individual fixes I would recommend.
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Anyway, she finally agreed to come if we wouldn't tease her bookworm, thats what most of the girls do.
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I don't know if I'd start a sentence with 'Anyway,'. This is first person perspective though, and since it's written the way a person would talk it might be okay. It might be worth trying it a different way though. Try starting with just "She finally..."
Also, does she have a pet bookworm? I think you might mean '...if we wouldn't tease her ABOUT BEING a bookworm, SINCE that's what most of the girls do.'
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| she was, in fact, a professor in a college in the UK two years ago. |
Remember to capitalise the first letter of every sentence. Also you should say "... a professor AT a college in the UK two years ago".
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She decided to shift back here when her royal family came back to power and she had to come back for some personal duties. |
I was a bit confused by this one. I think instead of 'shift' you should have said she 'moved' back here.
Also, do you mean THE royal family, or does Kim's aunt belong to the royal family (making it HER family). I think you should probably change it to 'when THE royal family came back INTO power.'
You say that she 'came back' twice in this sentence, you should find a way to say it only once.
Try: "She decided to move back here when the royal family came back into power, plus she had some personal business to attend to in the US (or wherever they are)."
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She was an excellent cook too, according to what Kim had told us about her, so we were all eager for dinner too.
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You only need ONE 'too' in this sentence, pick one and get rid of the other 
Try: "She was an excellent cook too, according to what Kim had told us about her, so we were all eager to she what she would serve for dinner."
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On the way to the villa, Sharon and Patricia had a little fight because Sharon threw coffee on Patricia's book by mistake. But it didn't end over there. Sharon supposedly made a comment how Patricia was being a spoilsport with her nose in the book the whole time. Although Patricia did not say anything her eyes said it all! At that moment, the anger in Patricia's eyes could set a piece of paper on fire! I had never seen her so violent before...never!
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Sorry, there's just a lot of grammar mistakes in this. It's quite good for the most part, but there are some common mistakes, so I'm not gonna skip them.
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| On the way to the villa, Sharon and Patricia had a little fight because Sharon threw coffee on Patricia's book by mistake |
Usually people don't "throw" things by mistake. Try 'dropped' or 'spilled'
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| But it didn't end over there. Sharon supposedly made a comment how Patricia was being a spoilsport with her nose in the book the whole time. |
Try "But it didn't end there, supposedly Sharon made a comment ABOUT how Patricia was being a spoilsport, keeping her nose in the book the whole time."
I don't like "But" sentences on their own, usually they are lead in up to something else, so they can usually end in a comma and continue into the next sentance as long as the two go together. If you get what I mean
The end was fine the way it was, I just moved it around to something that sounds more natural TO ME.
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Although Patricia did not say anything her eyes said it all! At that moment, the anger in Patricia's eyes could set a piece of paper on fire! I had never seen her so violent before...never! |
I'm having trouble describing what I'd like to see done with these, so hopefully you can get the idea from my rewriting here.
Try:"Although Patricia didn't say anything, her eyes said it all. I swear the anger in her eyes could have burned through a sheet of paper. I'd never seen her so angry before, ever."
I changed 'violent' to angry, because she would only be violent if she was hurting somebody; punching them, throw things at them, that kind of thing.
Here's another GIANT paragraph. Again I alternated bold/not bold where I think it should be split.
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| The next day was completely out of control. The villa was so palatial that we did not get time to explore it completely. We got ready early in the morning and went for a walk in Kim's garden. The garden was a huge one..that we spent hours over there. For a change, we did not see Patricia with that creepy book. At that minute Carol asked us if we heard any voices last night. Me and Kim had to be the first ones to agree as our room was right below the attic. All those creepy noises at night did not disturb me as i was a heavy sleeper and so was Kim. But Carol said that her room was the one right next to the backyard. "It must be those wretched Gypsies. They sneak in at night" Kim told us. After chatting over there we headed to the beach, which was just a stone's throw away from the villa. It was a hot day so the sun was burning the beach but we all had our sunscreens on so it didn't make much of a difference to us. We played volleyball, which was something Tasia did for the first time as she always tries to stay away from sports to keep from humiliating herself. She played basketball once but scored a basket in the other team and her team members were furious at her for that. That was the end of it. But she had to admit that volleyball was fun! and she was quite a good player too. Patricia, of course, did not really take interest in all this. All she could do was read her book with such great concentration that it looked like she was doing some kind of special meditation. This was probably because she had wasted so much time in the morning doing something fun for the first time. I have to admit Patricia can be a real bore at times but if I don't be her friend nobody will, that is why I always try to get her in our group or she would be left out! |
And here are my suggestion for the mondo paragraph 
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| The villa was so palatial that we did not get time to explore it completely. |
Good word! But Try: "The villa was so palatial that we didn't have enough time to explore it fully."
Didn't is often a lot more comfortable to read than did not.
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| We got ready early in the morning and went for a walk in Kim's garden. The garden was a huge one..that we spent hours over there. |
Try: "We got ready early in the morning and went for a walk in Kim's huge garden, we spent hours walking through the lush plants and gorgeous ponds."
Describing scenes is a really important thing in storytelling, I just added a quick description of what might have been in the garden and already the picture becomes a lot more clear in your mind, doesn't it? Try to work on setting, it makes stories more interesting.
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| For a change, we did not see Patricia with that creepy book. At that minute Carol asked us if we heard any voices last night. |
Try: In the garden, we finally got a chance to see Patricia without her book in hand.
I don't like "At the minute/just that second/right then", because it tends to make a sentance sound less natural than it COULD.
Instead of "At that minute" try: "As we rounded a corner, passing an aging but beautiful fountain, Carol asked us if we had heard any voices last night"
This way, aside from sounding more natural, it also helps build more on the scenery/setting.
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I'm gonna take a moment to explain something very important about "Me and Kim", if you're getting bored with my review and are thinking about stopping reading, skip ahead to the dashed lines and read the last bit so you know what else your story needs. This part is just to teach you something you will probably find useful.
Me and Kim had to be the first ones to agree.
this sentence is wrong.
Here's how I know:
You could either write "Me and Kim..." or "Kim and I had to be the first ones to agree", right?
The trick is to remove the "and Kim" part, or "and steve" or "and the class" or whomever else is being talked about.
So you are left with:
#1 - "Me and Kim had to be the first ones to agree" =
"Me had to be the first one to agree."
and
#2 - "Kim and I had to be the first ones to agree" = "I had to be the first one to agree."
hopefully it's obvious now, why #2 is the right one. Since "Me had to be..." is NOT english at ALL.
But sometimes "me" is right.
For example:
#1 - "You called me and Tim stupid"
or #2 - "You can Tim and I stupid"
You might think number 2 is right again, but take out "and Tim" again and you'll see
#1 - "You called me stupid"
#2 - "You called I stupid"
So #1, "me", is the right one to use!
Hope that makes sense, and helps you
now back to your story
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| After chatting over there we headed to the beach, which was just a stone's throw away from the villa. |
Try: "After chatting at the Villa for a while, we headed to the beack, which was just a stone's throw away."
Since it's been a while since it you said that they were at the villa, it's better to say it again here, since it sounds good anyway. I know you put it at the end, but it is better to put it at the beginning of the sentence, especially when it is an important detail for explaining the scene.
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| It was a hot day so the sun was burning the beach but we all had our sunscreens on so it didn't make much of a difference to us. |
Try: It was a hot day and the sun was scorching the beach, but we all had sunscreen on so it didn't make much of a difference to us.[/quote]
If someone were reading this way too literally, they might think the sun was actually BURNING the beach (setting it on FIRE), so I think "scorching" is a little less confusing. Just my opinion again.
Also, I'm sure they're using different brands of sunscreens, but that's not important so "sun screen" (singular) is fine and sounds more (you guessed it) natural.
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| We played volleyball, which was something Tasia did for the first time as she always tries to stay away from sports to keep from humiliating herself. She played basketball once but scored a basket in the other team and her team members were furious at her for that. That was the end of it. But she had to admit that volleyball was fun! and she was quite a good player too. |
Try: "We played volleyball that afternoon. It was Talia's first time, since she tries to stay away from sports to keep from humiliating herself. She played basketball once, but scored a basket for the other team and when her teammates got furious at her for it she decided to quit. She seemed to be liking volleyball a lot though, plus she was a great player!"
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Patricia, of course, did not really take interest in all this. |
Try: "Patricia, of course, didn't really take interest in any of it."
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| All she could do was read her book with such great concentration that it looked like she was doing some kind of special meditation. |
Try: "She just kept reading her book with such great concentration, it looked she was in a trance."
Some would argue that reading is a form of meditation I'll bet you meant that she looked like she was in a trance, hypnotised maybe?
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This was probably because she had wasted so much time in the morning doing something fun for the first time |
Try: "This was probably because she had wasted so much time that morning doing something fun for a change."
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I have to admit Patricia can be a real bore at times but if I don't be her friend nobody will, that is why I always try to get her in our group or she would be left out! |
Try: "I have to admit that Patricia can be a real bore sometimes, but if I wasn't her friend I don't know if anyone else would bother with her. That's why I always try to bring her along with the girls, so she doesn't feel left out. I guess I do care about her."
In this sentence you were explaining that the MC was worried about what Patricia would do with out her, so adding "I guess I care about her" just adds a nice, solid place to end the sentence.
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As it was getting dark we sat by the beach as Kim's aunt barbecued the chicken. |
Using AS twice in this sentence makes it awkward. There are many ways to fix it, such as:
"As it was getting dark we sat by the beach while Kim's aunt barbecued some chicken."
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I always thought of Kim as a lucky girl because her aunt was so rich that she had a poultry, farm and such a beautiful villa to herself and was a part of a royal family. |
"...a poultry farm,(comma moved) and such a beautiful villa to herself. Not to mention being a part of the royal family.(I put this in a new sentence because you used 'and' already.)"
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The incidents taking place in the story was something that would have never crossed my mind. |
Try: "The incidents that took place in her story were things that would have never crossed my mind."
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| As i said before, Iam a heavy sleeper but that night something seemed to be diturbing me |
Typos, bolded 'em.
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I decided to go downstairs and get something to eat. As i walked downstairs, i got the feeling that you get when you know you are not alone in the room. |
Short sentances can be combined to sound better.
Try: "I decided get something to eat, but as I walked down the stairs, I got the feeling I wasn't alone in the room."
You used "downstairs" twice in a row.
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I looked around and saw no one. I went to the fridge and started running my eyes through the food items. |
Try: "I looked around and saw no one, so I went to the fridge and started running my eyes through the food items."
You had short sentences, both starting with the same word, which is noticable.
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I couldn't decide what to eat. So i finally settled to cake. |
Try:"I couldn't decide what to eat, so I finally decided on cake."
or "...decided to have cake."
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| I took out a piece of it and was just about to start hogging when i heard a loud clanging sound, like a mass of metal had fallen. |
Try: "I took a piece and was about to start hogging out, when I heard a loud clanking..."
"Out", "it", "just". All words that just add weight to the sentences.
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| I ran outside and saw the Meow, Kim's cat! |
Is the cat's name "Meow"?
Try: "I ran outside and saw Meow, Kim's cat, she was playing around."
Don't use capital words in writing. Use italics.
Try: "I hate cats.
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| After enjoying my midnight treat i went up to my room hoping to get at least some sleep now. At around two at night I fell asleep. |
We know it's now, so you don't need to add weight (more words) to the sentence.
Try: I went up to my room hoping to at least get some sleep.
Also, two would be in the morning, not at night.
So Try: "At around two in the morning I fell asleep."
or: "I fell asleep at about two." (You could also add "in the morning" to this, it's your choice)
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| I was sleeping soundly, when i heard a shrill voice..someone was screaming. |
Wrong use of ellipses (...) Use a comma instead.
Try: "I was sleeping soundly when I head a shrill voice, someone was screaming.
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Kim is the kind of girl who will never admit she is wrong so i decided to investigate this myself |
Present tense used instead of past tense.
Try: "Kim was the kind of girl who would never admit she was wrong, so I decided to investigate by myself."
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| As i entered i saw the sight that sent chills down my spine-there lay Sharon's dead body and next to it stood Patricia with an evil smile on her face! |
Try: "As I entered the room, what I saw sent chills down my spine. There lay Sharon's dead body, and next to it stood patricia with an even smile on her face."
Whoah....
Holy crap. Nice ending, haha. Creepy. Are you going to continue this or end it here, either way it's very surprising!
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