Topic ID: 33213
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Curlyqpride
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 221
Reviews: 27
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: Masterpeice |
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Masterpiece
You feel the vibration of the drum rolls that jam on.
You visualize the mountaintops from the poem that is so long.
You cry when you lose, and you smile when you win.
You commit the crimes.
You do the sins.
You go to bed.
Uncomfortably shifting.
You can’t lay you’re head.
You know something is missing.
Guilt has got you.
Like a shock.
You get out of bed.
Voices in your head that mock.
You grab a notepad.
Tears drop on each word.
The words you are putting down.
The apologies you make.
Words fit like a crown.
You hug the notepad.
Still with a frown.
You know the time is now.
You go outside.
You take in a breath.
Clean air inside.
Clean out the bad.
You still can’t help
That you are sad.
You go inside,
And it goes without you noticing.
You had dropped your notepad.
It suddenly starts rolling.
It blows in the wind.
In all directions.
It falls in the hands of another.
The next day you awake.
You turn on the news.
The poem you had made.
Is everywhere…
In the newspapers too.
People are quoting you left to right.
And you find yourself in front of a breathtaking sight.
Your friends are there.
In tears of joy.
Come to tell you how they forgive.
They hug you.
They love you…..
You got your wish.
And all your friends from west and east.
They came to tell you,
“It was a masterpiece.” |
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Where there is love, there is life-GHANDI |
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Lulu|Luck
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:14 pm Post subject: aww |
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aww, that's cute i love the ending where it says "they come to tell you it's "a masterpiece"" That's really cute!!!!I don't have any correction you did all of it right and I came to tell you It's a masterpiece  when I read this though I really wanted to figure out what the poem is!  !
-Lulu |
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The night must fade away for the sun to bloom. |
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dacoozed
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Age: 15
Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 10
Reviews: 5
Country: Some where on planet Earth... I think
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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Whats the poem portraying. I do agree though that it is a masterpiece.
I think that the poem needs a bit more feeling to it, I can see it comes form the heart and that you've put alot of time and effort into it.
whats the poem all about? it would be nice to know that 
any way it is a gret poem... pm me when you post anything else |
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain. |
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kris
Senior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 100
Country: UK
82 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 11:00 am Post subject: |
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Some very good imagery here, with some rather clever rhymes too.
However as much as I'd love to prattle on with praise, I am not allowed. *grimaces*
So let us begin?:
All he full stops, which followed every line; made the feel a bit stilted and jittery. Somewhat like cycling down a cobbled hill.
Unless you did this on purpose to make the reader feel the discomfort of the narrator...hmm maybe
The piece, was not long at all. However the format made it very unattractive - nobody likes it when the scroll bar goes on into forever 
My final and most important point to make: is that this poem seemed to me, a little confused. It did not have a definite message to give, it sort of jumped from one emotion to another, and one topic to the next etc. I can get what you are getting at though - the emotions felt when you are trying to apologize to somebody ect ect. Alas this was not very clear.
I think i know the reason for some of the problems with this poem. I think that perhaps, you, like me get caught up in the intensity of your inspiration. With that you are over eager to jump into writing and pour your soul onto the screen - in doing so loosing whatever impression you want to leave with your reader.
You obviously have talent and a goo understanding of poetic language. Keep at it my dear chuck.
Love
Kris
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errtu2
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Age: 18
Joined: 19 May 2008
Posts: 83
Reviews: 37
Country: East of Eden
100 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:16 am Post subject: |
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Oh man i enjoyed this poem thoroughly. There is only one real person you really should write for, that person being yourself, a writers only real responsibility is to his or her self. And when you write something and kinda let it out, let a few friends read it, and they get some others to read it and suddenly you submit it here and there and its good, and you recognize its good, even though you had no intention of it being good or bad. You just wanted it there for its is-ness.
I think the formating was excellent, it made the reader follow each step of an accidental poem superbly. Keep it right up.
If I've missed the mark at all you tell me alright. |
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Those who control their passions do so because their passions are weak enough to be controlled.
- William Blake
Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet.
St. Augustine
When all else fails, we can whip the horses eyes |
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