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Because - Chap. 13
Because - Chap. 13

by KJ in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on July 17, 2008
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Brotherhood of the Blade

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 6:11 pm    Post subject: Brotherhood of the Blade Reply with quote

Helloooooooooooooooo

This is an excerpt froma historical/fantasy item I began a while back. It is not necessarily the first chapter but it introduces a character and I think it's enough to stand on its own for now. I Just thought I would post it here to see the level of interest and whether or not I should continue and make this into a novel.

Any comments/critiques are welcomed and appreciate! Smile

ps: pronounciations for names

Loira = Low-ear-ah

Armas = Are-mass

Javis Ruun = Jay-vis Rune

Sias = Sigh-as

Payton = Pay-Tonne

All characters, ideas, concepts, etc are my own origional work; I humbly ask that you respect my intellectual property and do not plagarize my material.

Thanks Very Happy

*********************************************************************************

Loira's hands trembled as she read and reread the summons over and over again. She had waited twenty years, and at long last, it had finally come.

Lord Armas, High Elder and Son of the Four Seas requires your presence at High Council immediately. You are to depart at once upon receipt of this summons; delaying to do so or attempting to flee the realm will be considered an insult to his Grace and is grounds for treason.

Signed Chief Elder Prakks, this 12th day of Sys, year 376 of the Two Suns

Loira, at long last, lifted her sapphire blue eyes and for the first time took in the youth before her. He was young, perhaps twelve or so and he shook terribly from nerves and fear. Loira was not at all surprised. Most people found her rather intimidating to be around since she was, for better or worse, reputably known for her prowess in battle. It had earned her a handful of good friends and an endless sea of enemies. She moved to tuck the scrap of parchment in her leather purse tied to her hip, the boy whimpered thinking she meant to draw her blade.

God's Blood! She swore vehemently. She may have been a woman, but she would be damned if she knew how to handle a child. Irritably she dragged her hand through her auburn locks. She preferred to keep it tied back at her nape as it was willfully curly and she had neither the time nor the patience to deal with it. Were it not a crime for women to have short hair, Loira would have chopped it off ages ago only to rid herself of the burden.

"Tell me your name, boy." She did the best to keep the irritation out of her voice and features when he whimpered again once she placed her hands on her hips. For a moment he stood there, cowering, deciding whether or not it would be wise to speak. Then finally, in the softest, meekest voice she had ever heard, he uttered, "Sias - Miss - Sir - Mame!" His face flushed a deep shade of crimson and he took two steps back as if afraid she'd retaliate.

Loira only sighed and shook her head in pity and disgust. Praise be to the Gods that she had never been so weak and feeble at this poor boy's age. If she had been ... then she would have died...with the others...

"Very well, Sias." Loira spoke at last, rubbing her brow as she pushed back the pain the memory had forced to surface. "I want you to go to the stables. There is a man there named Vorr. Tell him he's to prepare my mount - tell him I sent you." Loira didn't even have to say another word before the boy bowed as deep as he could and then bolted from her tent with such speed he practically flew. With a weary sigh she seated herself on the edge of her cot and began to pull on her knee-high, armored boots and then changed from her thin white cotton sleeping tunic, to one of soft blue wool and brown leather - the colors of the Teliquan.

She would journey to the Capital of the realm which was little more then a three days ride from her camp. The Tournament of Champions was set to begin within the month once the summonses were issued. The finest warriors from the seven clans would then compete - fighting in most cases to the death. The winner would be declared King of Testria and his Clan, the ruling nation.

For the last sixty years, the Prea k'aan had been seated on the throne, ruled by the vile King Viockkr. He had been the warrior to first claim victory for the Prea k'aan's and had fought again in the following Tournament, proving victorious yet again. The third Tournament, the King chose to forfeit his right of selecting two warriors and had instead entered his only son and heir, Prince Niockkr who had proven triumphant, as had his father before him.

However, it was no secret amongst the other Clans that all victories had been a direct result of underhanded tactics. In fact, the rightful winner nigh on sixty years ago should have been the greatest warrior Loira had ever seen, the great Hevald - her father and former Lord of the Teliquan Clan. Prayton, her father's best friend and fellow warrior had taken her in shortly after the death of her father who had been stabbed with a poisoned blade when he slept. His death had been ruled a result of his wounds turning foul and Viocckr, having no opponent, had been declared Champion and King of Testria.

It had been an outrage to the Teliquan Tribe who buried their Lord and mourned his passing. Since her father’s death, all Loira had been able to think of was having the chance to fight in the Tournament, face the Prea k'aan scum in the arena, avenge her father and reclaim a stolen victory for her people. Because her father had had no male heir, upon his death they had named her cousin, Armas, Lord of their Clan in her stead as it was uncustomary to have a female rule.

In fact, if Loira was not mistaken, entering a female in the tournament had never happened before either and yet, Loira had taken great pains to ensure that she would be well schooled with not only the traditional weaponry of the Teliquan, but those of the other Tribes as well. By the time she was twenty she had been named Captain of the Third Camp which consisted of a small group of male warriors, mostly reserves who saw little battle. Over time she had moved up in ranks and now she was High Commander to the First Legion - an honor very rarely bestowed and never once, in the history of their people, to a woman.

Payton had often said that her father would have been proud of her. She liked to think so as well. The flap to her tent was whipped back, snapping her from her thoughts. She glanced up to see Payton, a man she loved deeply as the only father she had ever really known all her life, enter with a beaming smile on his withered face. He was still handsome, though far from his prime and pushing nigh on a century. His hair which had once been sable brown was now a deep shade of grey as were his eyes.

"Vorr told me the good news. Says you're to travel to the High Council at once. The whole First Legion is abuzz with word. At long last, the Gods have heard your prayers." A faint smile touched Loira's lips as she rose to meet him and instantly began collecting her weapons and armor that was sattered about; heaving it all on the cot.

"Aye, it seems as if Prila, Goddess of Fortune smiles on me this day, while Grist God of Mischief snickers at my back." Payton's brow creased in confusion and caught her wrist in her hand, forcing her to turn to him.

"I do not understand child...Lord Armas wishes to speak with you - you've been selected as our Champion for the Tournament...I fail to see any flaws in such a miracle which, despite all odds," Payton argued and jabbed a finger in her face as he spoke, "Has fallen into your lap!"

"Aye!" Loira replied and curtly batted away his hand which he had left to hover between them. "Each Tribe is to select two champions are they not?" Loira demanded, trying to keep her frustration from her voice despite its rising decibel.

"Aye!" Payton growled, annoyance clawing at his gut as well.

"And clearly I am to be one of them, correct?" Loira continued, her tone raising another notch and as it did she took one step closer in defiance. It was a move Payton matched in spite.

"Aye!" Payton shot back and angled his head as if daring her to challenge him further.

"Then who - in all of damnation - do you think is going to be Armas's second choice?" By now they were practically nose to nose, eyes bulging and blood boiling, Payton opened his mouth to shout back at her when suddenly, something in her deep blue eyes made it all click and realization dawned on him like a hard slap in the face. His eyes grew wide and his features blanched instantly.

"Oh!" He gasped and then, as if weakened by the thought dropped with a thud on the edge of her cot. "Oh! But surely not -."

"Aye." Loira growled while gripping her wildly curly auburn hair in both hands. "That no good rake, that conniving bastard; that reckless whoreson who has too much talent in combat for his own good!"

"No!" Payton sputtered, "But...by the Gods not--!"

"Aye, Payton." Loira breathed through a weary sigh. "Javis Ruun...Gods be merciful."

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"I do not understand child...Lord Armas wishes to speak with you - you've been selected as our Champion for the Tournament...I fail to see any flaws in such a miracle which, despite all odds," Payton argued and jabbed a finger in her face as he spoke, "Has fallen into your lap!"

I had to read this twice to fully unerstand it. I think the main problem is that you had so many sentences before using the 'payton argued' part. I'd put it after the first sentence instead. Also, the 'has fallen' part cut off from the beginning of the sentence really sounds weird. I'd connect them.

I think the only real problem you have hear is how often you say 'aye'. It got repetative and a bit annoying. Other than that, though, I though it was pretty good. I can't say I'd review the next part, but these kind of story's don't interest me much. Modern government corruption and stuff like that is where I lie. But your style is very good and I'm sure those who are intersted in the whole tourny brawl thing will love this.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:35 am    Post subject: Re: Brotherhood of the Blade Reply with quote

Sorsha2 wrote:
Helloooooooooooooooo

>>My suggestions are in bold

*********************************************************************************

Loira's hands trembled as she read and reread the summons over and over again. She had waited twenty years, and at long last, it had finally come.

Lord Armas, High Elder and Son of the Four Seas requires your presence at High Council immediately. You are to depart at once upon receipt of this summons; delaying to do so or attempting to flee the realm will be considered an insult to his Grace and is grounds for treason.
Signed Chief Elder Prakks, this 12th day of Sys, year 376 of the Two Suns


Loira, at long last, lifted her sapphire blue eyes and for the first time took in the youth before her. He was young, perhaps twelve or so and he shook terribly from nerves and fear. Loira was not at all surprised. Most people found her rather intimidating to be around since she was, for better or worse, reputably known for her prowess in battle. It had earned her a handful of good friends and an endless sea of enemies. She moved to tuck the scrap of parchment in her leather purse tied to her hip, the boy whimpered thinking she meant to draw her blade.

God's Blood! She swore vehemently. She may have been a woman, but she would be damned if she knew how to handle a child. Irritably she dragged her hand through her auburn locks. She preferred to keep it tied back at her nape as it was willfully curly and she had neither the time nor the patience to deal with it. Were it not a crime for women to have short hair, Loira would have chopped it off ages ago only to rid herself of the burden.

"Tell me your name, boy." She did the best to keep the irritation out of her voice and features when he whimpered again once she placed her hands on her hips. >>This sentence doesnt flow well. Is there meant to be a full stop between features and when? I think that would work better. For a moment he stood there, cowering, deciding whether or not it would be wise to speak. Then finally, in the softest, meekest voice she had ever heard, he uttered, "Sias - Miss - Sir - Mame!" His face flushed a deep shade of crimson and he took two steps back as if afraid she'd retaliate. >>Make sure you put every sentence of dialogue on a new line

Loira only sighed and shook her head in pity and disgust. Praise be to the Gods that she had never been so weak and feeble at this poor boy's age. If she had been ... then she would have died...with the others...

"Very well, Sias." Loira spoke at last, rubbing her brow as she pushed back the pain the memory had forced to surface. "I want you to go to the stables. There is a man there named Vorr. Tell him he's to prepare my mount - tell him I sent you." Loira didn't even have to say another word before the boy bowed as deep as he could and then bolted from her tent with such speed he practically flew. >> Suggestion: "Loira didn't have to say another word; the boy bowed as deep as he could and then bolted from her tent with such speed that he practically flew"... dont know if 'practically flew' fits, you might want to try a new simile but its not a vital change. With a weary sigh she seated herself on the edge of her cot and began to pull on her knee-high, armored boots and then changed from her thin white cotton sleeping tunic, to one of soft blue wool and brown leather - the colors of the Teliquan.

She would journey to the Capital of the realm which was little more then a three days ride from her camp. The Tournament of Champions was set to begin within the month once the summonses were issued. The finest warriors from the seven clans would then compete - fighting, in most cases, to the death. The winner would be declared King of Testria and his Clan, the ruling nation. Which is the ruling nation? Testria or his clan? Or does his clan become the ruling nation once he has won?

For the last sixty years, the Prea k'aan had been seated on the throne, ruled by the vile King Viockkr. He had been the warrior to first claim victory for the Prea k'aan's and had fought again in the following Tournament, proving victorious yet again. The third Tournament, the King chose to forfeit his right of selecting two warriors and had instead entered his only son and heir, Prince Niockkr who had proven triumphant, as had his father before him.

However, it was no secret amongst the other Clans that all victories had been a direct result of underhanded tactics. In fact, the rightful winner nigh on sixty years ago should have been the greatest warrior Loira had ever seen, the great Hevald - her father and former Lord of the Teliquan Clan. Prayton, her father's best friend and fellow warrior had taken her in shortly after the death of her father who had been stabbed with a poisoned blade when he slept. His death had been ruled a result of his wounds turning foul and Viocckr, having no opponent, had been declared Champion and King of Testria.

It had been an outrage to the Teliquan Tribe who buried their Lord and mourned his passing. Since her father’s death, all Loira had been able to think of was having the chance to fight in the Tournament, face the Prea k'aan scum in the arena, avenge her father and reclaim a stolen victory for her people. Because her father had had no male heir, upon his death they had named her cousin, Armas, Lord of their Clan in her stead as it was uncustomary to have a female rule.

In fact, if Loira was not mistaken, entering a female in the tournament had never happened before either and yet, Loira had taken great pains to ensure that she would be well schooled with not only the traditional weaponry of the Teliquan, but those of the other Tribes as well. By the time she was twenty she had been named Captain of the Third Camp which consisted of a small group of male warriors, mostly reserves who saw little battle. Over time she had moved up in ranks and now she was High Commander to the First Legion - an honor very rarely bestowed and never once, in the history of their people, to a woman.

Payton had often said that her father would have been proud of her. She liked to think so as well. The flap to her tent was whipped back, snapping her from her thoughts. She glanced up to see Payton, a man she loved deeply as the only father she had ever really known all her life, enter with a beaming smile on his withered face. He was still handsome, though far from his prime and pushing nigh on a century. His hair which had once been sable brown was now a deep shade of grey as were his eyes.

"Vorr told me the good news. Says you're to travel to the High Council at once. The whole First Legion is abuzz with word. At long last, the Gods have heard your prayers." A faint smile touched Loira's lips as she rose to meet him and instantly began collecting her weapons and armor that was sattered about; heaving it all on the cot.

"Aye, it seems as if Prila, Goddess of Fortune smiles on me this day, while Grist God of Mischief snickers at my back." Payton's brow creased in confusion and caught her wrist in her hand, forcing her to turn to him.

"I do not understand child...Lord Armas wishes to speak with you - you've been selected as our Champion for the Tournament...I fail to see any flaws in such a miracle which, despite all odds," Payton argued and jabbed a finger in her face as he spoke, "Has fallen into your lap!"

"Aye!" Loira replied and curtly batted >> "Aye!" Loira replied, curtly batting away... away his hand which he had left to hover between them. "Each Tribe is to select two champions are they not?" Loira >>she demanded, trying to keep her frustration from her voice despite its rising decibel.

"Aye!" Payton growled, annoyance clawing at his gut as well.

"And clearly I am to be one of them, correct?" Loira continued, her tone raising another notch and as it did she took one step closer in defiance. It was a move Payton matched in spite.

"Aye!" Payton shot back and angled his head as if daring her to challenge him further.

"Then who - in all of damnation - do you think is going to be Armas's second choice?"
>>space
By now they were practically nose to nose, eyes bulging and blood boiling. >> Comma here replaced with full stop, was too long of a sentence. Payton opened his mouth to shout back at her when suddenly, something in her deep blue eyes made it all click and realization dawned on him like a hard slap in the face. His eyes grew wide and his features blanched instantly.

"Oh!" He gasped and then, as if weakened by the thought, dropped with a thud on the edge of her cot. "Oh! But surely not -."

"Aye." Loira growled while gripping her wildly curly auburn hair in both hands. "That no good rake, that conniving bastard; that reckless whoreson who has too much talent in combat for his own good!"

"No!" Payton sputtered, "But...by the Gods not--!"

"Aye, Payton." Loira breathed through a weary sigh. "Javis Ruun...Gods be merciful."



.....
A good story! Very interesting and well written. Im not usually a massive fan of these war type old timy fantasy stories but this one was quite good.

I agree that the use of the word "Aye" becomes a little incessant towards the end. I know it is meant to add more to the setting and story, which it does, but perhaps leave off a few and go straight into dialogue. This, for Loira, could also further establish her character as a strong, obstinate warrier; no dilly dallying with a simple yes or no; straight to the point.

Make sure you put each sentence of dialogue on a new line.

I like the use of interesting names. I didn't quite understand all the political systems of your world, but this didn't effect my reading of the story. They do, in fact, make the setting seem more believable. Im sure that the clan/kinghship system will be explained elsewhere in the story, or become easier to understand as the reader becomes accustomed to the words.

Overall a good story, I'd like to read more. Its sometimes hard to judge a book when you've only read a thousand words of it. Keep on writing! Smile
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm... Alright, I'm a little confused as to the politics... So there's obviously several clans, but only one rules the country, and a tournament decides the head clan. Interesting. I like it. However, I think that some of your explainations could be more descriptive. I had to read through a couple times to understand some of it.

Aside from that, it'd be good if there was more imagery. Now I kinda know what Loira looks like, but the rest is very vague.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. This is definitely a bit heavier than the fantasy I read, with the whole "war of the clans" thing going on. And there's romance coming? I'm a little scared, yet somehow excited. It's all very old-school. <grin>

The good thing about this is that the only funny business exhibited here is stuff that's easily fixed. For example, you referred to Payton as... some other name.
Quote:

Prayton, her father's best friend and fellow warrior had taken her in shortly after the death of her father who had been stabbed with a poisoned blade when he slept

Which needs to be changed (unless they're two different characters, in which case quite a bit needs to be shuffled around, but I'm assuming they're the same guy). Actually, taking a look at that full sentence, I think it would say a lot more if it were split into two separate parts. It starts by talking about Payton, but then the subject shifts to Loira's father, and the effect is a little confusing.

Another thing that wasn't quite clear was the way you started talking about the Prea k'aan without mentioning that it was a clan. It took me a couple more sentences to catch on that it was a group of people rather than one guy, especially because "Prea k'aan's" looks more like a possessive than a plural. I think just sticking the word "clan" in there somewhere before the next paragraph would clear that up.

On the whole, those few paragraphs in the middle did seem to have kind of an info-heavy feel to them, unfortunately. Is there any way you could try to intersperse this information?

Quote:
However, it was no secret amongst the other Clans that all victories had been a direct result of underhanded tactics.

This confuses me a little. Do all the rest of the clans know, then, that Loira's clan got the short end of the stick, and they just don't care? Why aren't they collaborating to take the title? Surely if all the other clans banded against the dirty-deed-doers, they'd be able to do something about it.

Quote:
It had been an outrage to the Teliquan Tribe who buried their Lord and mourned his passing

If you're going to keep this sentence, I would suggest a comma after "tribe." However, the structure seems a little random, since the two ideas are really quite separate: the anger of the tribe, and then its mourning for the loss of a leader.

Quote:
"Aye, it seems as if Prila, Goddess of Fortune smiles on me this day, while Grist God of Mischief snickers at my back."

Hm. I'd save part of this information for later. I find it unlikely that someone who has been worshiping x gods for x number of years would go to the lengths of not only naming them for a (we're assuming) fellow believer, but also spelling out their place in the realm for someone who most likely already knows what they do. It comes across as if it's just for our (the readers') benefit.

Quote:
"I do not understand child...Lord Armas wishes to speak with you - you've been selected as our Champion for the Tournament...I fail to see any flaws in such a miracle which, despite all odds,"

Ellipses... make me imagine... characters as people who have just... run a race... like they're taking... gaping breaths between everything... but maybe that's just me...

Also, if he is addressing her as "child," you need a comma after it. Smile


Quote:
"Each Tribe is to select two champions are they not?"

Comma after "champions," there's a natural pause there.


The dialogue at the end is a little too back-and-forth-y for my taste. Especially since they both go through bouts of using "aye" repeatedly - It wouldn't be so puzzling if it were just one of them, but it gets a bit confusing with both.

Quote:
"That no good rake, that conniving bastard; that reckless whoreson who has too much talent in combat for his own good!"

Again, this just comes across as the author trying to tell us what a rat the character is before we even meet him. I'd suggest just picking a couple of the nastier words and leaving the rest for us to find out later.

I always get excited when I see you name in the fantasy forum now. These are so much fun to read! I especially liked the way you used the child to immediately reveal a very distinguishing facet of Loira's personality. We already get a feel for her strengths and weaknesses just from those first few sentences.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

once you said how to pronounce the names.. i said to myself.. this guy isnt tellingme how to pronounce the names,,, is he? and then i wrote this. and ps. wheres the rating system?

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow - thank you guys (Lynlyn, Smoo, Xavia & Miked) so much for all your comments and attention to small details ;P

A couple of you pointed out the redundant use of 'aye' so I will be sure to address that immediately. Also the complex and unclear political structure will defiantely be explained in more depth as the story progresses but I will make a note to go back to this scene and strengthen the weak spots you all mentioned and commented on.

Thanks again for taking the time to read this and to review as well. You guys are awesome Very Happy

As for my last reviewer Xena - are you kidding me? Chill please. I only put them there are as a reference because in the past when I wrote a fantasy story with unusual names I was quite often asked how they were to be pronounced. Even on here I have received a few emails for clarification so I thought this time around I would take the proactive approach and just do it all in advance. Secondly, what rating system are you refering to? I think it best in future that if you don't have any constructive criticism to offer that you please refrain from leaving useless posts. The point of this site is to get help and feedback. I am not trying to be rude, I just didn't see why you felt the need to leave that comment.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 11:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hear hear sorsha! Dw.. its not just your stories that have received pointless comments from -

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