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To Swallow a Swallow
To Swallow a Swallow

by Suzanne in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 17, 2008
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A titleless tale (2) (rewritten)

A titleless tale (1)

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deavarna_satina   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:48 am    Post subject: A titleless tale (1) Reply with quote

** Dear Reader,

Excuse this first installment, it still needs tweaking. I'm very interested in your thoughts, especially on whether you think I have rushed into the story too quickly. A proper introduction does follow, but maybe it should be first... Anyway, I hope you like it!

~Hailey~ xoxo

The moon was a floating arc of bright silver, the stars like specks of glitter dusted across an ebony canvas. A breeze was picking up, stirring the frosty air and blowing a stormy parade of angry clouds ever closer. I pulled my window shut, locking out the chill wind. The flame of the candle on my bedside flickered. I sighed and hugged my night robe to my body. Another sleepless night. Tisha raised her head and meowed softly, wanting me back in bed to warm her. I rubbed her furry head affectionately.

‘In a minute, Tish. I’ll go for a wander to try and wear myself out first.’

She yowled in reply and dropped her head to the covers again. I put on my slippers and opened the door, wincing as the hinges moaned in protest, hoping the sound wouldn’t carry into my parents room.

After a few seconds past with no hint of having woken them I quietly crept down the corridor, through the dining room and into the garden. The icy wind teased my long hair, blowing it across my face. I breathed the salty air in deeply, catching a hint of smoke. Not too unusual, it was a cold night. People were bound to have their fires lit. Then the first screams pierced the lull of the late hour.

They came from the direction of the shore line and I ran to the far side of the garden to peer over the fence. I could see the dark rooftops sloping all the way to the ocean, and just off of the beach a group of houses had roofs that weren’t cloaked in shadow like the rest. They danced with streamers of bright yellow and orange; fire. Mesmerised, I watched the flames prance from one rooftop to the next as more screams and the high-pitched pealing of an alarm filled the night. I counted the starts and stops of the alarm, unexpectedly glad that Mr Bently had taken an afternoon to teach us the warning combinations. Two short, one long. Icy tendrils of fear curled around my stomach. It was a raid.

Suddenly a hand clamped down on my shoulder. I jolted in alarm and whipped around to face my assailant, but it was only my father.

‘Quick Raewyn, we must get inside the walls!’ he urged as he pulled me in the direction of the gate where mother stood, beckoning anxiously. The chaos on the street was impossible. People in pyjamas clogged the road, clutching prized possessions and screaming children as they tried to push forward. I held tightly to my father’s hand as we were caught up in the wave of fleeing people. There was panicked yelling in every direction.

‘Run! Run for your life! It’s them!’

‘My baby, where is she?! Someone find her!’

‘The gates! Head for the gates! Come on!’

‘The fire! Its spreading! Our homes will be destroyed!’

I stopped dead in my tracks, quite a feat with the amount of bodies pushing me forward.

‘Tisha!’ I gasped as I realized that I had left her locked in my room.

‘Leave her Raewyn! We have to run-’ but I’d already wrenched my hand from Father’s grip and was fighting my way against the tide of frenzied people. I couldn’t leave my beloved cat at the mercy of the fire! I quickly realized that it was pointless to try and head in the opposite direction in the thick of the crowd so I cut sideways across it to reach the edges.

All I could smell was body odour and I found myself gasping for air that wouldn’t fill my lungs. The crush of bodies that threatened to pull me under almost threw me into a panic. Elbows and knees were assaulting every inch of my flesh. Everywhere I looked I could see the faces of people I knew, eyes wide with fear. Just as I began to think that my plight was hopeless I broke through the mass of people. I took a few gulps of air, and began making my way through front yards towards my house.

I could see the flames advancing as I neared it, the wind egging them on. Three more roof tops and my home would be reduced to cinders. I could hear Tish yowling and scratching at my door as I raced towards it. I thrust it open and a blur of black fur shot out the door and down the hall. At least she’s safe I thought.

But I wasn’t. Smoke was filling the house quickly and I could hardly breath. My heart pounded a rhythm of fear as the smoke stung my eyes. I dropped to my hands and knees and crawled in the direction of the exit as fast as I could. Once in the garden I coughed the smoke out of my lungs. My relief at the escape was brief. I could see that the hungry flames had indeed spread to the roof of my house and they licked at it gleefully. Holding a hand over my mouth and nose to prevent breathing in the smoke I once again hurried into the street. The tail of the mob was still going past, mostly consisting of those who lagged behind, the old and the lame. There were far less people than there were up ahead. I joined them in heading towards the inner city, where the high walls would protect us for the invaders.

Suddenly there were a fresh lot of screams behind me. I whipped around to see dark shapes materializing in the darkness. They were slowly stepping out of the shadows towards the group of stragglers. I noticed that those around me had stopped running, and I flashed a glance behind me to find that we were completely surrounded by these dark figures. My lungs seized up with terror as I realised they weren’t here to save us.

They were tall and lean, but the way they moved spoke of strength in their firm limbs. They wore vests of tough leather, to give their bare chests some protection against any resisting force. The advancing flames cast an eerie glow upon their bronze skin. And their faces… My heart fluttered as my eyes drank them in. Each and every one of them had a face of such fierce beauty that I had to remind myself to keep breathing. A shiver of fear shot down my spine. This had to be them. Our notorious attackers. The Sea People.

The people around me clustered together and I could feel the wave of terror flow through each of them. The Sea People advanced on our whimpering group and I was surprised to see that there were women among them. It was one of these women who gave a sharp command in a tongue I couldn’t understand. Suddenly the stillness in the cluster of townsfolk broke as someone caved under the tension and shrieked. All around me terrified people broke out of the cluster in desperate attempts to escape.

The Sea People sprung into action. They swarmed into the chaotic mess and within a few moments the street was filled with cries and moans as they attacked. They were unimaginably quick and incredibly deadly. They seemed to materialize on the spot, and with the thrust of a spear a body would fall and they were gone again.

My heart was racing as I fought to exit the pandemonium of blood and steel. Everywhere I looked people were dying and I knew that my time was almost up, that I would be next. I couldn’t die! I wasn’t ready! The adrenaline racing through my system caused my limbs to quiver. There was nowhere to go, no passage through the slaughter. Still I ran, fruitlessly, through any small opening, willing myself to be invisible. I stumbled over something on the floor and my stomach gave a violent lurch. Blank eyes stared up at me and a slack jaw hung open in a silent scream.

I backed away from the body, horror driving my feet in a pointless attempt to escape the death. Something collided with me and the next thing I knew the road was rising up to meet me. I stretched out my hands to save myself and felt my elbows jar with the impact. I gasped for breath as I pushed myself onto my knees. My palms were cut and bloody.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as I felt someone standing over me. I turned to look up at my killer. I tried to scramble to my feet as he raised his spear to strike. Our eyes met and we both froze. The noise and activity around me faded away. My heart stopped. All that mattered in my entire existence were his eyes.

I felt my whole body explode in tingles of electricity. I knew I should have been running, but I couldn’t move. I knew I should have been scared, but I couldn’t coax up a single shred of fear. All I could do was gaze into the stormy-blue eyes of my attacker.

I had forgotten that around me people were killing and being killed. My mind was incapable of thought. I simply stared at the man before me, his spear still raised to attack. I would remember his face with picture-perfection in the nights to follow.

The orange light of the approaching flames glinted from the bronze in his sun-streaked hair, which stood up on all angles. A streak of blood was smeared across his right cheek, a ruddy imperfection blending with his russet skin. His straight nose and sharp cheekbones, combined with the tension on his brow made him look utterly frightening. But it were his eyes that drew me. The colour of the sea on a stormy day, fringed by dark lashes and shrouded in danger. I lost myself in those bottomless pools of grey-blue, and would have quite happily stayed lost in them for the rest of eternity.

How long we were frozen while all around us the slaughter raged is a mystery to me. It felt like I lived through a decade in a few moments. A decade of realizing that in front of me stood my destiny.

A tiny, insignificant sound wove its way into my consciousness. The pound of hooves. The spell was broken as something thundered past us, knocking the man from the sea to the ground beside me.

There were hooves and horse legs all around us, running down the Sea People. The horses were coal black, with eyes a vibrant shade of scarlet. Their screams of fury set my teeth on edge and the immense heat radiating from their hides washed over my skin. They were no ordinary horses, they were nightmares.

The blood-red caped and black-armoured riders thrust their swords at the Sea People, taking down any townsfolk unlucky enough to be in their path as well. Our defenders were almost as fearsome as our attackers. The King's Guard.

There were shouts from the leading woman of the Sea People. They were retreating. I flashed a glance at my attacker and our eyes met again. I could read the confusion and indecision in his face as though I had known him for years. More guard were thundering through and I knew it was only a matter of time before they noticed him. I didn’t want him to leave but for reasons that I couldn’t comprehend the thought of his death caused my innards to clench in fear and pain. He wasn’t moving. I forced my mouth to work.

‘Go!’ I whispered, just loud enough for him to hear. He gazed at me with the same look of confusion in those stormy eyes and I wondered if he could understand me. ‘Go now!’ I begged. He nodded once in resignation and raised a hand to touch my cheek. His touch sent more bolts of electricity through my nervous system. He lingered for but a moment, disorientation thick on his face, then he rose in a fluid motion and was gone.


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Last edited by deavarna_satina on Thu Aug 14, 2008 8:19 am; edited 4 times in total
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omsvmars22   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! That was really good! Your detail and imagery is amazing! I felt like I was there.
I want to know what happens! Please continue with this story!

I can find nothing wrong in this peice and since I am horrible at grammar I will leave that to more skilled people(bows to others) rather then bore you with things that might or might not be right.

So once again, great job! I really enjoyed it, your style of writing is amazing. You have me hooked!

Please PM me so I don't miss your next posting!

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aw, thanks so much! I'm glad you you enjoyed it Smile

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 6:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

very nice. I did quite enjoy this. I am garbage at grammar so I can't help you out there either. You did a good job of making me feel like I was there and the pace was good. You had a lot of good description I would just like to know more about what things look like I guess. Are they on an island? Is this a mythological place? Do the sea people have gills? What color are his eyes? I am really intrigued and would like to hear more. I like this idea but be careful you don't get too cliché it isn't hard to do. Really make this your own. Put peoples lives in danger. Really put yourself into your characters lives. I am curious to find out how they will meet again. Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow, this was really lively. like how can i say it, you're description was very good. the way you said i could picture it.

one thing i have to say is that :
you could describe the characters abit more :
1) the girl- make her character well built. i mean, this is the first chapter so atleast give a hint about her personality.

2) the boy- okay i was really confused. exactly who was he ? one of the sea people, or the defenders? make that abit clear. espcially describe how he looked like when the girl told him to go. it would be better that way.

3) the parents- try and make the things said recongnisable. atleast say how they weren't in the houses first before the raid started.


the things i love :
almost everything actually. this could actually turn into a fantasy romance novel or short story. the description was great. i am still waiting for the romance bit.
tell me when the next part comes out.
please ?

-budding

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fantastic! Steady, promising writing throughout - kept me right on the edge of my seat.
I could feel it all, sense it all, and that's a good thing, especially as so many tell rather than show. You certainly have a way with creating a scene.
There was only one thing I thought you should change:

Quote:
I jumped ten feet in the air


This utterly takes from the realism - it's an exaggeration. I think you should keep everything real and thus it is more gritty.

At the end, when the MC meets the one who to kill her (but does not), I felt it all - the passion, almost, the tension, the fast beat of their pulses. Only, I could not picture him. At this climaxing moment, I want to know every detail. Pwetty pwease?
I would love to read your next installment! Do PM me when its up.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 12:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for commenting everyone. I really appreciate it Smile
I guess in my wanting to make this first part fast and vivid, I completely skipped over descriptions of Raewyn's attacker. Whoops! Sorry, will fix that ASAP.
In the following installments, you'll get a better idea of where the story is set and who my characters are. And I promise, it is in all essentials a romance.

Thanks again for the comments Very Happy

~Hailey~ xoxo

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 4:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

omsvmars22 wrote:
Wow! That was really good! Your detail and imagery is amazing! I felt like I was there.
I want to know what happens! Please continue with this story!

I can find nothing wrong in this peice and since I am horrible at grammar I will leave that to more skilled people(bows to others) rather then bore you with things that might or might not be right.

So once again, great job! I really enjoyed it, your style of writing is amazing. You have me hooked!


I say same here! This is an excellent story, and you are very gifted with description. (Let's hope it doesn't weigh down the story later!

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 2:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh I do love a romance!!!!!!! Very Happy

As a hopeless romatic I am hooked! Everyone loves a forbidden love!

However, I do think you rush into it a bit to soon, one minute she's standing on a beach the next complete chaos. Give her time to take in her surroundings - the senses are always great to include in romances talk about whether it's familiar to her or not.

Also I think you should definitely talk more about her character. How old is she? What does she look like? What sort of a personality does she have? Details help create an atmosphere - which is needed to heat up the story even more!

Keep writing!

Smile

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 5:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

really really good!

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 12:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

happy-go-lucky wrote:
Also I think you should definitely talk more about her character. How old is she? What does she look like? What sort of a personality does she have? Details help create an atmosphere - which is needed to heat up the story even more!
Smile

hmmm im not sure about adding more details to do with her age and things because it would be very hard to add them into this chapter (or whatever it is) with the effect of being subtle about it. I would prefer if you added that info later. I do however think you need to describe the rest of the things Happy-go-lucky said.

Anyway im really hooked to this story and will be waiting for the next bit. Pm me when it is out plz! Great work!


lozzen xx
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