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Lulu|Luck
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 Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:48 am Post subject: Yellow |
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Yellow
Yellow is a glowing light from the sun.
Yellow is the warm feeling that you get a ton.
Yellow is feeling that blows the flowers.
I want to stay in yellow for a couple of hours. |
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Last edited by Lulu|Luck on Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:14 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Turntable Jack
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:20 pm Post subject: |
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I like this better than your other poem to be honest. It makes much more sense and is better written.
The first line is great and is a wonderful line to start the poem off with.
The second line starts off good but it is a bit too long and the rhyme seems like you were trying a bit too hard. However, still a good line in meaning and sounds good.
The third line is also pretty good, however I would say "Yellow is the feeling." But your way works fine and looks good.
The fourth line is very creative and has great meaning. I would make one big suggestion and take out the word "in." Also, maybe change the first part of the line to "I want to" Because the words "I guess" make it sound you don't want to stay yellow but you will. "I want" makes it sound like you really want to stay yellow. |
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Lulu|Luck
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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thanks you for the sugggestions!! 
and sorry I did mean to put the in "the" in the third line i just forgot  but on the fourth line im sorry but the poem in the fourth line does not want to be yellow it wants to be in it but i will replace "i guess with "i want" thank you!! |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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Hey =] this is a cute poem.
I love the first line, but the rhyme "a ton" is a bit slangy and blah. Maybe it's because I'm british and we never say that over here, it sounds really weird to me! Any way, the last two lines sound fine to me, I like the change you made from "I guess" to "I want", it sounds really sweet and happy now.
Maybe you should try writing a longer poem next, I can see you're good at cute little short poems about a certain thing. I'd like to read a longer poem by you =]
R x |
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Lulu|Luck
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 4:36 am Post subject: thanks!! |
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omg!!thank you so much I love your guys commets and suggestions I just love getting reviews it is so fun to see what ppl think of your work that you don't know cause the people you do know of course just say yes yes yes i like it but you guys really give your real opinoins and I thank that!!!
-Lulu |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 6:25 am Post subject: |
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Nice! Quite short, but I say it's quite good, better than the other one 'Fall'.
Oh yes, try writing something longer perhaps. You do have potential to write!
Cheers |
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Hollieberry
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:44 pm Post subject: |
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Short and sweet. It's a cute little thing although the rhyming in the second line is a little dodgy.
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| Yellow is feeling that blows the flowers |
doesn't really make sense but I get the idea that you're trying to portray summer as the colour yellow. That's just how the poem came across to me.
Also, maybe you could think of an alternative word to 'glowing' - I don't know, it might just be me but it seems a little empty. Some onomatopoeia might be nice. |
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Writing for love is a pas
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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like every one else has said, short sweet to the point and completely awesome!
Keep writing!
_WFL_ Or ~Lexie~ |
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by-my-rules
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 2:35 am Post subject: |
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hey dude, iv glanced at some of your stuff before, buu i can honestly say i really noticed this one,its simple, quiet, it makes sence, and its cute , which isnt usally ma thing, bu i like it good on ya  |
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Misty
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 8:52 am Post subject: |
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sweetiepie!
the trouble with trying to define "yellow" in that it sort of only has one definition, and beyond that, you can't mess with it.
so the trouble is, when you say, "Yellow is the glowing light from the sun," well, yes, the glowing light *is* yellow, but is yellow the light?
or, "Yellow is the warm feeling you get a ton," well, now we're taking something that is in fact tangible and making it intangible, feelings, ideas, abstract, when in fact yellow is not abstract at all. It simply is, and there isn't a lot you can add to it. Yellow is a bit of an entity unto itself...
"Yellow is the feeling that blows the flowers,"
you mean yellow is the wind? Cause last I checked, the wind is more, ah, clear....
"I want to stay in yellow for a couple of hours."
AWW....*cough* well, its kinda cuuute. |
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Lulu|Luck
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 10:13 pm Post subject: |
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 well i was just trying to explain yellow thats the hole point of the poem noones poems are ever all right |
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[deleted3]
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this a lot. Four lines, four ideas about one thing (yellow) that I could've never of thought of, and for that I'm fond of this. It rhymes and flows perfectly to me. I was just curious about the periods after every line, what about commas, it seemed everyone was a succession after the other, one idea after the other, so the periods kind of threw me off.
"Yellow is feeling that blows the flowers" I thought feeling in this line could've been something different. Like Yellow is the wind that blows the flowers, just a suggestion, but I would recommend changing that word or saying a feeling maybe?
Really liked this, great poem with use of the color yellow, and nice beginning, beginning it with the sun! |
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Lulu|Luck
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| Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:06 am Post subject: |
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| thank you!!!! |
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irishdancer27
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:22 am Post subject: |
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| I kind of like this poem. It makes me feel happy, which I can tell is the emotion you are trying to invoke. Its simple, but nice. I can't wait to see what else you write, because I think you have the potential for some really cool stuff! |
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errtu2
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 6:02 am Post subject: |
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Bah too cute for my liking. It sounds like a hallmark card. I hate to be a downer but i see nothing but adorable puppies and gum drops in this poem. It almost is inhumanly cheery. And poetry should always be human above all.
Good rhyming, i dont have it in me to rhyme like that or be so single mindely happy. good work
keep up the good fight. |
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