Topic ID: 33159
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Dreamwriter
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 Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: Hidden Amoung Nature |
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She breathed in the scent of the fresh morning air, savoring the crisp feeling of it in her throat, on her eye lids and playfully caressing her cheeks. She longed to once again understand the language of nature, and speak to her new found friends of what others thought to be an inanimate world. Happily, she remembered that the air she inhaled and exhaled had a name that could not be called to with words of the tongue. Sighing, she breathed a name that needed no pronunciation.
“Missed you…” whispered a wordless voice as the wind mussed her hair and tickled her ear. Giggling, she ran her fingers though the shapeless hands of her friend in the breeze.
More friends welcomed her as she glided dreamily down the dirt road. The gravel between her bare toes poked and teased her; each leaf on a bush called to her to enjoy their berries, so many voices per bush they had to talk together as one to be heard. Dew drops danced within themselves on flower pedals, singing about the joys of being clouds and rain, mist and rivers, sharing stories of ice and snow.
So much life in her lifeless world, and she never knew it until the wind called to her with an intangible heart. |
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Lilith
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:53 am Post subject: |
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Okay, I didn't know what to expect of this piece at first but I really enjoyed it and you have a great concept going. With a bit of time and some work, this could develop into an amazing story.
The only suggestion I have to make is that you work on the first paragraph a little more. Be more distinct about how you start any piece, so as to grab the reader and hold them by the kahunas.
good luck
lil |
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HorseFreak
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 5:52 pm Post subject: |
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It would make a very nice start for a longer story - very nice descriptions, good vocab.
You could, as advised before, try and expand it a little more - what was happening, etc.
Well, good job and keep going - that's all I can say. |
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mikedb1492
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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| Like the other people said, the first paragraph was pretty iffy, and this could become an interesting story. Sorry I can't give you much advice, but it was pretty short. But I can say that the first paragraph's problem is the way you combined the sentence lengths and how some were run ons. |
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Lynlyn
the ocean is full of water
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:35 am Post subject: Re: Hidden Amoung Nature |
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This is a short, sweet little piece. I agree that the latter portion is more lyrical, I think you "got into it" a bit more as you were writing.
This is short, so I can't offer much, but I did notice that you had "eye lids" in the first paragraph - eyelids is all one word. Also, at the least, you need a comma after "eyelids" to separate it from the last little bit of that sentence (and playfully caressing her cheeks). Optimally, you want to edit sentences like that so that they maintain a grammatical pattern - "I came, I saw, I conquered" rather than "I came, then I saw, and conquered," which doesn't pack the same punch.
| Dreamwriter wrote: |
| Happily, she remembered that the air she inhaled and exhaled had a name that could not be called to with words of the tongue. |
I'm not particularly fond of the word "remembered" here. It makes it sound like she'd forgotten all bout this mystical power, and then suddenly, running through a field, remembered that she had it. Also, why is it "called to with words" rather than just "called with words"? Don't you usually call a name, rather than call to it?
I agree that this would make a nice story, but it's also a fun stand-alone piece.  |
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xavia-finch
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:10 am Post subject: Re: Hidden Amoung Nature |
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| Dreamwriter wrote: |
She breathed in the scent of the fresh morning air, savoring the crisp feeling of it in her throat, on her eye lids and playfully caressing her cheeks. She longed to once again understand the language of nature, and speak to her new found friends of what others thought to be an inanimate world. Happily, she remembered that the air she inhaled and exhaled had a name that could not be called to with words of the tongue. Sighing, she breathed a name that needed no pronunciation.
“Missed you…” whispered a wordless voice as the wind mussed her hair and tickled her ear. Giggling, she ran her fingers though the shapeless hands of her friend in the breeze.
More friends welcomed her as she glided dreamily down the dirt road. The gravel between her bare toes poked and teased her; each leaf on a bush called to her to enjoy their berries, so many voices per bush they had to talk together as one to be heard. Dew drops danced within themselves on flower pedals, singing about the joys of being clouds and rain, mist and rivers, sharing stories of ice and snow.
So much life in her lifeless world, and she never knew it until the wind called to her with an intangible heart. |
I didn't understand what was going on until the last few sentences. If this was a full story you would definitely need to work on the way in which you convey and write it, but i know this is only a concept and as that, it is very interesting. It needs a lot more development to become a long story or novel and i don't know where you would go with it. But it would add an interesting aspect or sub-plot to a longer, more detailed tale. |
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