Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Project Fugato (2)
Project Fugato (2)

by Reason Invalid in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Lyric Poetry

This thread was created on July 16, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


Poem I wrote when I was 12...

Topic ID: 33157
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
SweetOctober   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

11
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 11
Country: U.S
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:46 pm    Post subject: Poem I wrote when I was 12... Reply with quote

“Miss Alexandra”



As the wind blew the curtains a sway,



Miss Alexandra passed away.



The eye of heaven so radiantly shined on her lonely tomb,



Throngs of mourners, weeping, stood above her black casket, murmuring distant memories,



And as the sun grew tired, it cast a dying shadow upon her somber throne.



Then night crept up the fog of the land,



Silently weeping,



Ever so softly, 



Over the dark night it was creeping.



Alone and encased in death's eternal shade,



Miss Alexandra rose from her grave.



Her chambers so dearly missed her,



And she heard it's silent cry,



As she drifted into her room,



Her dolls, flowers, and clocks abloom,



Left untouched by nothing but dust



Since she fell in her tomb.



There she stayed until midnight,



Laughing merrily in all her mirth



Till a servant boy down the hall thought he heard—



Miss Alexandra, the fairest maiden his eyes ever rested upon.



“Nonsense!” said he, “Surely she is dead.”



But out of curiosity—



Oh, just a peek!



And he saw the glimmering tendrils



Of a goddess-like woman with pink about her cheeks,



A shining pair of feline green eyes, a white gown, and a pair of white shoes on her feet.



Her dead gaze casted upon him,



And he screamed in fright, fleeing down her lonely hall,



Overtaken by the sight. 



She giggled a ghostly whisper that slithered down the halls,



And haunted the decaying matter of the empty walls.



She returned to her tea, staring into the deep abyss,



And who was the dame in the reflection?



It was she.



Miss Alexandra had passed away,



Surely it was true!



But why did he see this phantom beauty standing before the orb of the moon?



He dismissed his not so sane notions,



Berating himself for believing,



That Miss Alexandra was not really in her tomb sleeping. 



The End
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
EsquaLeema   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

15
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 14 Jul 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 15
Country: Australia
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi there!

I really liked the idea that you tried to put behind your poem here, that it was about a young girl who dies and comes back for some midnight games, yet I felt that the poem didn't really manage to show that in some points. It felt a bit all over the place in some parts.

Here are some things I thought should change:

Throngs of mourners, weeping, stood above her black casket, Remove the , it's not really needed here murmuring distant memories, Take out the comma and use a period instead

Then night crept up the fog of the land,
Silently weeping,
Ever so softly,
Over the dark night it was creeping.

This doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem, if it's the chambers that are weeping, you need to make it a bit more clearer that it's them, and even then the last line doesn't fit.

As she drifted into her room, take out the comma, use a semi-colon there

Since she fell in her tomb. I'm not sure if it's meant to be in or into here, depends on how you want to take it.

“Nonsense!” said he, “Surely she is dead.” Get rid of the comma.

Her dead gaze casted upon him, Make it cast, not casted.

But why did he see this phantom beauty standing before the orb of the moon? Take "the orb of the moon and make it a new line"

He dismissed his not so sane notions, Comma should be a period
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
SweetOctober   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

11
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 11
Country: U.S
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 11:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for your feedback. Really appreciate.

_________________
I told your boyfriend he was gay and he slapped me with his purse.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
OverEasy   View This User's Portfolio
Rawr! I big scary monster! *stomp stomp stomp*
Speaker of the Forum

129
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Posts: 873
Reviews: 129
Country: The Lovely Hills of BubbleYum!
470 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi there!

I see that you have posted two things without doing any reviews at all. I just wanted to let you know that you need to do two reviews before posting anything. keeping a nice two to one ratio of reviews to posts. That way everyone gets a little feed back.

I would also like to let you know that you need to check out the rules and guidelines before posting anything else.

Anything else you need to ask, just PM me, and I will do my best to help you out.



Best of luck,

OverEasy

_________________
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times I’m hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Misty   View This User's Portfolio
Speaker of the Forum

493
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 17 Jan 2005
Posts: 814
Reviews: 493
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"She giggled a ghostly whisper that slithered down the halls,



And haunted the decaying matter of the empty walls."

exnay the word "empty."


seriously, besides the mass repitition of the word "tomb," this is precioussss.

but why only post things from when you were twelve. do something recent, darling!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
abhishek87   View This User's Portfolio
New Member


Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 2
Country: India
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

describing the feel of a ghost seems weird but still the imagination of action was great.
such poems need to be more descriptive.
i should appriciate your brave attempt .
personally i liked the poetry.
it was a great feeling for a ghost to lookat its reflection.......
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Gahks   View This User's Portfolio
Tsar of the Subjunctive
Speaker of the Forum

126
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 25 Jan 2008
Posts: 802
Reviews: 126
Country: Wherever I happen to be.
299 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there!

Well, you have some very original ideas. However, there are (as always) a couple of things that we can easily iron out.

Firstly, this poem was way too long! It also appears to be in the wrong category: it read more like narrative poetry than lyric. But anyway - it needs cutting down. I lost the storyline amid the tired sun and eye of heaven and things. Pare it back and let the story tell itself how it wants telling and needs telling.

You also have too many images; your piece is cluttered with them! Focus on one or two that really stand out; build the lines around them. That way, your fantastic similes and metaphors will become much more powerful.

The one part of this poem that I really had an issue with was:

"Miss Alexandra, the fairest maiden his eyes ever rested upon.
“Nonsense!” said he, “Surely she is dead.”
But out of curiosity—
Oh, just a peek!"

The 'Oh, just a peek!' sounds pretentious and destroys the flow of the piece. It is intruding. Either please get rid of it or say: 'Out of curiosity, he lifted the coffin lid.'

Like I said, this does have some really great ideas. Just de-clutter the poem and let them shine!

Best,

Gahks

Very Happy

6/10

_________________
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." William Faulkner.

Check out my music site: www.finetune.com/user/gahks
My site: www.freewebs.com/bethywriters
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on July 16, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Lyric Poetry All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on July 16, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill. - Danish proverb
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society