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Begged, Borrowed
Begged, Borrowed

by CastlesInTheSky in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 15, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
The Storybook Chapter One
The Storybook- Chapter Two
The Storybook- Chapter Three
The Storybook- Chapter Four
The Storybook- Chapter Five

The Storybook- Chapter Six

Topic ID: 33140
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Ailam Remard   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:30 am    Post subject: The Storybook- Chapter Six Reply with quote

Em, em. Probably worst chapter ever. I still have no idea what part Jonas will play in the story but I had a feeling I should add him in. Tell me what you think!

Chapter Six

“How much longer do we have?” Nicole whined.

“A long way, Niki,” Thomas replied.

Nicole smiled. She’d convinced Thomas to use her nickname, and to let her use his. They’d been traveling for two days now with little food or sleep.

“This ain’t cool, Tommy Boy,” she whined some more. “My feet hurt like a mother…”

“Get down!” he whispered loudly, ducking her down into the tall grass. “Don’t talk.”

Nicole lay down on her belly, her ears open for the smallest sound. She heard hoof beats coming their way. The horse galloped by them and then abruptly stopped.

Thomas gasped and pulled Nicole closer to him. He whispered in her ear. “If anything happens, don’t move and keep hidden.”

He stood up.

“Good evening, sir!” a lively voice boomed from the man on horseback.

Thomas stood his ground. “Who are you, if I may ask?” he replied back.

Nicole stifled giggles at the men’s politeness towards each other.

“You may. My name is Jonas! I am a noble knight of the land! Born to save all damsels in distress! You wouldn’t, by chance, know any damsels that needed saving, would you?” he boomed and then emitted a warm chuckle.

Nicole stuck her head out of the grass, seeing that the man was obviously no harm.

“Nicole!” Thomas shouted. “I said to keep hidden,” she could see the panic in his eyes now.

“But he’s harmless,” she said. “Look at him, the poor man, he’s obviously lost.”

Thomas looked at Jonas, sitting astride a rugged brown horse that looked driven nearly to exhaustion. His clothes were in tatters and blood trickled down his forehead.

“Look! He’s bleeding!” she cried. “Thomas, get him off the horse!”

Thomas obeyed Nicole and laid Jonas on the ground.

“What’s going on here?” Jonas asked, bewildered.

“Just lay down,” Nicole said, pushing back Jonas’s bangs and looking at the wound. “Did you get hurt?” she asked.

“I fell off my horse yesterday, but I think I’m fine,” he told her, laying his head back and relaxing.

Nicole took off the handkerchief she had wrapped around her ankle and dipped it in hers and Thomas’s drinking water. She dabbed at the wound gently.

Jonas cringed.

“It’s a pretty big one, Thomas.”

“Wrap something around it then,” he told her.

She wrapped the handkerchief around his head and tied it tight to keep the blood flow down.

“Just sleep now,” she told him, pouring water into his mouth and on his face. “You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

* * *

Thomas watched as Nicole took care of Jonas. He had his doubts about this man, but the way Nicole had insisted, he couldn’t resist letting her have her way.

Who was this girl? He wondered. Where was she from? Was it the future, which she had claimed?

But she was beautiful. He couldn’t deny that. Something about her, he didn’t know what, but something about her made it hard to pay attention to anything except her.

“He’s asleep,” she said. “I’m tired too, Tommy Boy. Can I sleep?” she asked.

“I’ll watch him, you sleep,” he said.

She gave him a grateful smile. “Thanks,” she said. She bent over to kiss him on the cheek. “Without you, I’d totally be dead right now,” she laughed and yawned.

“Probably,” he replied.

She lay down and closed her eyes. Within minutes she was fast asleep.

Thomas touched his cheek where she had kissed him and smiled.

* * *

Jonas woke up two hours later. He rubbed his head and looked around. There was a man sitting on a rock nearby, back turned to Jonas and a girl sleeping in the grass.

“Excuse me?” he asked.

The man turned around. “I see you’re awake,” the man said. “My name is Thomas, this here,” he said, pointing to the girl, “is Nicole.”

“I’m very confused,” Jonas said, shaking his head.

“You came by us on your horse, your head was bleeding, and Nicole fixed you up and told you to sleep. That was two hours ago. Also,” he added with a smile, “you thought you were a knight in shining armor, born to save all damsels in distress.”

Jonas was more confused than ever before by this point. The girl, Nicole, sat up and rubbed her eyes.

“Oh! You’re awake, good, well, good, um, whatever you want to call it,” she laughed.

“Afternoon,” Thomas stated.

“Yes, good afternoon, Jonas,” she said.

“How do you know my name?” Jonas asked.

“You told us, silly!” Nicole laughed. “That was a good nap, by the way, thanks Tommy Boy,” she said.

“Anytime,” Thomas replied.

“So,” Nicole started, “what were you doing before you hit your head and had temporary brain loss?” she asked and then burst into a fit of giggles. Thomas chuckled some.

Jonas rubbed his head and scrunched up his face in concentration. This made Nicole giggle some more.

“I was on my way home,” he started. “That’s all I can remember.”

“Good! You’re remembering!” Nicole exclaimed. “Where is your home?”

“I don’t remember,” he said, holding his head and getting frustrated.

“We’re headed that way,” Thomas said, pointing his finger where Jonas had been coming from, “to find this tree or something.”

“I haven’t seen a tree in days, my friend,” Jonas told Thomas.

“No, no,” Nicole said. “There has to be a tree, you just don’t remember because you lost your memory.”

“Actually, I’m pretty sure,” Jonas replied.

Nicole stared at Thomas, opened mouthed and tears started to fill up her eyes.

Thomas walked over and put his arm around her shoulder. “Shh, Niki, don’t cry.”

“There has to be a tree!” she yelled.

Jonas stared at them. These people were crazy. Nicole calmed down and looked at Jonas.

“Well, Thomas and I will just have to see for ourselves.”

“I’m sorry,” Jonas said, apologizing. “Maybe there was a tree; it was out of line for me to speak that way.”

Nicole seemed satisfied with this and turned to Thomas. “Dinner? Or no dinner?” she asked.

“I don’t have anything,” Thomas replied. “I could kill something though.”

“It sounds so morbid when you say it like that,” Nicole said.

“I will catch dinner then,” Thomas replied. “Better?”

“Much.”

Jonas still watched the two intently. The girl’s clothes looked very strange, and he’d never seen the color on her shoes before. Both of them were very torn up and dirty, liked they’d escaped from somewhere and were on the run. Like prison? He shuddered at the thought.

He walked over to his horse and patted it on the head. “I don’t remember your name,” he whispered in her ear, “but I know you’re mine.”

He checked the side bags and found some dried jerky and a couple of apples. He fed one to the horse and then walked back to Thomas and Nicole.

“This is all I found,” he said, handing them the food. “Thank you for saving my life, but I really must be off.”

“No, stay,” the girl insisted.

“I mustn’t,” he argued.

“You don’t even know who you are,” Thomas stated.

Jonas stared at him for a while. “Then I will stay, as long as it takes me to figure it out.”

“Come sit and eat with us,” Nicole said, patting the ground beside her.

Jonas and Thomas sat down next to her and ate their meager meal together in silence.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay, I'm the first one to review! *Sorry, its 11:15ish here and I'm sleepy*

Quote:
Em, em. Probably worst chapter ever. I still have no idea what part Jonas will play in the story but I had a feeling I should add him in. Tell me what you think!

I don't think its the worst chapter ever; you had to explain their journey somehow. I mean, you couldn't be like "And the ended up at the tree." or something like that. I have no idea what role Jonas plays in the story either but I like the addition. Smile

Quote:
She’d convinced Thomas to use her nickname, and to let her use his.
A comma there isn't nessecary.

Quote:
She gave him a grateful smile. “Thanks,” she said. She bent over to kiss him on the cheek. “Without you, I’d totally be dead right now,” she laughed and yawned.

“Probably,” he replied.
I like these lines. The sarcasm completly took me by surprise.
Quote:
The girl, Nicole, sat up and rubbed her eyes.
I get that its Jonas rememebering who she is but it doesn't make much sense for the reader; we know who the girl is.

Quote:
and then burst into a fit of giggles.
I think it should be 'bursts' but I'm not sure.

Quote:
it was out of line for me to speak that way.”
How was he out of line? He was just recalling what he rememebered.

Quote:
He walked over to his horse and patted it on the head. “I don’t remember your name,” he whispered in her ear, “but I know you’re mine.”
For some reason, it took me a minute to figure out who he was talking to then I looked back and realized it was the horse; that was my own fault, not yours.

Overall, I liked the chapter. You did a good job explaining everything. Good job! Very Happy

-Always

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

man, this story is enrapturing!

i really do like it.

the only thing that made me slightly uncomfortable was how quickly jonas submitted to thomas and niki, it seems like it would take more convincing to get a man off his horse and on the ground than that.

other than that little, teenie-weenie nitpick, i really, really liked this chapter.
Very Happy

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Ailam Remard   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh yeah, but you gotta remember, he was injured and didn't really know who he was. Lol.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

rofl.
good point, i didn't really take that into account.


-bows in deference.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello Ailam.

I read all the other chapters, I like it, but the last two kind of lost their touch. Things were way too rushed. Try and slow it down a bit and expand. Really brilliant potential.

Develope the characters more. I have a hard time seeing what they look like and who they reall are.

PM me when the next chapter comes.

-Sadie
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This chapter was really enjoyable.

Only a bit too hurried.

I like Jonas already, he sort of reminds me of the tinman from the wizard of oz...
anway, lol.

I can't wait to see where you take the story next!

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This thread was created on July 15, 2008

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