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The Uprising
The Uprising

by Buscador! in Storybooks
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction

This thread was created on July 15, 2008
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"Power"

Topic ID: 33137
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Phaedra   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:10 pm    Post subject: "Power" Reply with quote

The two girls walked together down the wooded path. The older, more commanding one held the other by her wrist, almost dragging her. They stopped suddenly in a small clearing, the older wheeling around to face the younger and grasping her shoulders tightly.

“If you wrong us, I’ll name you. I swear I will!”

“Alice!” the younger girl shrieked, terrified at her sister’s fierceness and rage.

“You will not tell! You will not, Clara, or God will strike you down! It’s His work we’re doing, and you are no one to get in our way! I will name you if you threaten to end it,” Alice said in a deathly quiet voice to the small girl.

“It’s not, Alice! It’s not God’s work! Why would God have you sentencing all these innocent people?” Clara cried, her voice shaking with emotion.

“Would you break charity with us – with your own sister? Think of all we have now. We have power in this town; power none of us could have imagined. And you would give all that up?”

“So you admit to it then? That it were for power?” Clara asked slowly.

Alice’s hand came down across Clara’s cheek with a loud crack. Clara looked straight at her sister, her eyes wide with fear or possibly shock.

“We do it for God. You’ve had the visions too! Or are you saying that it were pretense with you? Is that it, Clara? It were pretense? Last night when I slept I saw a young girl with the Devil, but I could not see her face…I believe I understand now….” Alice whispered, bringing her face very close to Clara’s.

“Y-You wouldn’t!” Clara said, but even as she declared it, her voice shook. This strange and frightening Alice was capable of anything.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Clara pulled her shawl a little tighter around her shoulders. Alice was striding a few paces ahead of her, seeming not to notice the cold at all.

“Alice, must we go?” Clara asked, running a few steps to get closer to Alice.

Alice stopped suddenly, nearly causing a collision with Clara, and turned to face her sister.

“Yes, Clara, we must go. Would you like to know why we must go? I shall tell you. Peter’s wife is not at home this morning, but she will be soon. Now Clara, Peter’s wife must not know I am there. It is your job to watch for Mrs. Gray and, when you see her getting close to the house, knock exactly three times on the door. Then you must get away as fast as you can. Do you understand?” Alice explained in a sweet voice, as though she was talking to a dumb child or a dog.

“Yes,” Clara replied sullenly, wishing her sister (who was only two years her senior) would treat her more like a friend and less like a servant.

“Good. And you must not enter the house,” Alice commanded, adding in a cold whisper, “If I should see your face while I am inside I’ll strike you without mercy.”

“Very well,” Clara said dully, not anticipating that she would feel the urge to put herself at risk of becoming the victim of one of Alice’s rages.

Clara stood in silence as she watched Alice enter the house stealthily, without even so much as a knock. Before completely disappearing inside, she turned slightly and gave a devious, almost maniacal smile to Clara.

Clara shivered. Ever since Alice had gathered her friends together to dance on the Sabbath just weeks previously, she had changed. Alice was ill, Clara had decided beyond a shadow of doubt. These fits she had were nothing. She did not actually see Satan as she claimed to – she could not.

“I’ve told you, Alice! I’ll not see you!”

Clara was startled out of her thoughts by a shout from inside the house. She recognized the voice as Peter Gray’s.

“I’ll not have you in my house! Out!” he bellowed and seconds later Alice stumbled out of the door she had entered

“Peter! Have you forgotten all that we’ve had?” Alice cried, trying to force her way back inside.

“If only I could,” Peter said, his voice pained and strangled.

Clara tried to steal away quietly as Peter gave Alice a shove.

“Clara! Clara, you’ll not leave here without me!” Alice shrieked from the doorway, casting a contemptuous glance at Peter as she rushed to catch up to Clara.

They walked together silently for what felt like an eternity to Clara.

“Alice?” Clara asked softly, breaking the silence only as they reached their own home.

“Not a word, ever,” Alice replied sharply, hurrying ahead of Clara and slamming the door.

Clara waited a few moments, making certain that Alice would have ample time to busy herself with something or other, before entering the house.

(That's all I have so far!)

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Ailam Remard   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello Phaedra!

I liked this, but I'm still wondering if this is about the Salem Witch Trials or not, is it?

Another part of me is wondering if it was an affair Alice was having with Peter, but that part wasn't made clear to me either.

The only grammer problem I saw in this was there was no period at the end of this sentance:

-“I’ll not have you in my house! Out!” he bellowed and seconds later Alice stumbled out of the door she had entered-

I love your style! You're very descriptive! It sounds like something that would be put on the best seller's racks in book stores!

Bravo! (I love saying that, so I'll say it again!) Bravo!

Can't wait until you have more posed so PM me when you do!

Smile -Ailam

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GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm... I liked this, but I was also confused. What exactly was it that these two girls were doing? How old are they? I had the impression early on in the story that they were something like 12 and 10 and that stuck with me, but I'm not really sure if that is correct.

Quote:
wishing her sister (who was only two years her senior)


I don't really like the parentheses in there. They seem out of place, since that is the only instance they are in there. I'd get rid of it and instead have something like "wishing her older sister..." Is it really that important that they are only two years apart? How vital is that to the story, or could we get by in knowing that one is older than the other and bullies her younger sister? It seems to me that it is not a hugely important detail. We get the impression that they are about the same age (close, anyway) but one is more submissive than the other.

I'm interested, but still confused. I'd like to read more and maybe it will all explain itself in time. So far, this is reminding me a bit of "The Scarlet Letter", though it may be something totally different. Keep it up!

Would you please PM when you post the next part? I want to see what happens next

~GryphonFledgling

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Ailam Remard   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's very funny that GryphonFledling said that this reminded her of The Scarlett Letter because when I was reading this, I thought that too, even though I forgot to put it in my previous critique. It also reminds me of the Witch of Blackbird Pond and Witch Child.
-Ailam

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, well, if this is set in the witch trials, don't you think it's a bit like The Crucible? There are similarities anyway. Steer clear! However, my claim could be weak as no one else has pointed that out.

Now, for the story itself...

I liked it. The dialogue was very convincing, even if there was way too much of it in comparison to the amount of prose. Try explaining the setting more and the time in which it takes places.
Well, that's it. Much luck for your next addition,


Lauren
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This thread was created on July 15, 2008

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