Topic ID: 33128
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1dering at stars
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Dec 2007
Posts: 186
Reviews: 95
Country: East of the sun and West of the moon
268 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:31 pm Post subject: This Is Us |
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I'm really not sure at all about this piece.... of course it makes sense to me but..... I'm not sure if anyone else will understand it. So please review! I have a feeling this needs a lot of work!
And then there was one last step to the doorway.
They were daring me to take it.
I guess they just forgot to tell me,
that there wasn’t any floor beyond that point.
There was a woman on the edge of the highway,
she was pulling up weeds.
Crying,
she says,
“The world has had enough of these.”
You told me not to mess up like everyone else you know.
Did I ever tell you,
its too late?
I can see your eyes,
flickering in the half shadows of long forgotten moments.
Are you disappointed?
Well, so am I.
But everyone likes to think they’re stronger than they really are.
And people say that you have to come back up,
when you can’t fall any further.
Does no one realize that sometimes there is no bottom?
Your penny could fall forever,
And your wish would never come true.
There’s a song that says that heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.
Can you hear the world crumbling around you?
See the pieces falling,
star by star?
Better catch them before they hit the ground.
This is us. |
_________________
.... And I wish I could do something great no one's ever done;
Catch a cloud, or steal a star, or sail 'round the sun.... |
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Dreamwriter
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 05 Mar 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 14
Country: USA
200 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 9:26 pm Post subject: |
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| This is terrific. I'm not usually one for poetry and what not, but this is something that will stick with me. Keep it up. You're doing great. |
_________________
Insperation is like a shower; it always wears off. That's why it's recommended daily. |
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Livinginfantasy
Timmy FTW!
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 266
Reviews: 134
Country: Fantasy... DUH
1636 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I don't know know if I got the same message you were trying to convey, but I thought that was a poem about peer pressure and how it lead you down the wrong path, even though you thought it wouldn't affect you. The woman I guess was some type of authority figure and the 'weeds' represent bad choices or bad people. You and your peers are now some sort clique or whatever and now you regret doing whatever it was you did.
But even if that wasn't what you meant, different people can get different things from poetry. That's the beauty of it, right?
Now on to the review!
I think I've only read one or two poems from you already, and I like your style. You have interesting and captivating word choice.
I like your intro. It makes it seem there was a whole lot more to this previously. It captured my attention.
| Quote: |
There was a woman on the edge of the highway,
she was pulling up weeds.
Crying,
she says,
“The world has had enough of these.” |
Highway? I'm not sure if I like that particular word. Also, The line break after 'crying' doesn't work well. I suggest making 'Crying,' and 'she says,' one line.
| Quote: |
| Does no one realize that sometimes there is no bottom? |
I like the rhetorical question, but not the word 'bottom'.
| Quote: |
Can you hear the world crumbling around you?
See the pieces falling,
star by star?
Better catch them before they hit the ground.
This is us. |
Not only was this my favorite stanza, but it also was one incredible ending. I suggest seperating the last line so it becomes it's own stanza, though. I feel it would make the ending more powerful.
Overall, well done. I feel this deserves a star.  |
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Alarainya
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Posts: 35
Reviews: 18
Country: U.S
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:05 pm Post subject: |
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| WOW. That was amazing. I couldn't understand it, and that is what made it great. There was such feeling that everything that I couldn't understand had a meaning and everything that made sense to me meant so much more. I loved that. You did a wonderful job, so what if nobody understands all of it, poetry is for the complete feeling and idea, not the itty bitty details. |
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I'm a special lover sometimes but you only touch a ghost, I'm a sycophantic courtier wit an elegant repost, Needless to say you're the one I need the most, Cause the only one I come undone for is you.- some lines from Come Undone by Vannessa Carlton |
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andimlovegalore
I'm not a failure I swear
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 459
Reviews: 102
Country: England
1275 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:21 pm Post subject: Re: This Is Us |
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| 1dering at stars wrote: |
And then there was one last step to the doorway.
They were daring me to take it.
I guess they just forgot to tell me,
that there wasn’t any floor beyond that point. |
I don't think the last line fits very well, it seems like a bit of an overly worded sentence. Maybe "I guess they just forgot to tell me there was no floor behind it" or something, beyond that point is too much.
| 1dering at stars wrote: |
There was a woman on the edge of the highway,
she was pulling up weeds.
Crying,
she says,
“The world has had enough of these.” |
You used past tense at the start and then present tense "says"
I like those last lines a lot though. I like the image.
| 1dering at stars wrote: |
You told me not to mess up like everyone else you know.
Did I ever tell you,
its too late? |
its -> it's
The first line might be a bit wordy too but I think I actually kind of like it.
| 1dering at stars wrote: |
I can see your eyes,
flickering in the half shadows of long forgotten moments.
Are you disappointed?
Well, so am I.
But everyone likes to think they’re stronger than they really are.
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I love those first two lines. The half shadows of long forgotten moments - that's beautiful. I actually love this whole stanza it works really well.
| 1dering at stars wrote: |
And people say that you have to come back up,
when you can’t fall any further.
Does no one realize that sometimes there is no bottom? |
There's a double space between the and and the people.
Also, I think you should make this and the next stanza all into one stanza because they're kind of about the same thing and a bit too short separately.
I'm not so sure about "does no one realize that there is no bottom" -> maybe the word "end" would be better instead of bottom.
| 1dering at stars wrote: |
Your penny could fall forever,
And your wish would never come true.
There’s a song that says that heaven is a place where nothing ever happens. |
I like the penny image, I like how that follows on from the falling to the lowest and then coming back up. Last line is a bit random though. What's that got to do with anything?
| 1dering at stars wrote: |
Can you hear the world crumbling around you?
See the pieces falling,
star by star?
Better catch them before they hit the ground.
This is us. |
I love this one! Easily the best stanza. Wonderful last line.
Yeah I really like this poem. I just like the honesty of the language combined with the pretty images. |
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