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Bishop
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 Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:04 pm Post subject: Stairway to heaven. |
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//. Prologue
The gates of hell sure didn't seem as scary as I thought it would. The ScapeGoat's head sitting right in the center at the top of the colossal metallic doors. My eyes dipped a bit, I was drowsy, and it was amazing that feeling still occured to me in such a horrid place, and I wasn't a bit scared by the show being put on in front of me. Flames stood in two curved pedastools on each side of the gates, but they were my height, oddly. In the background you could hear the screams, they put chills all over my body, but my head stood high, and my heart stayed at a constant beat, because my concious told me it was going to be alright, and I usually listened to my concious, it had gotten me out of rough situations, but it seemed now that I was in the worst of situations, and as the gates opened, a blazing wind with much heat built into it rushed out at me, and at that very second, my skin began to chip off, as if I were ashes, and then everything just all of a sudden slowed down, to a great extent, I was seeing everything in detail, but I didn't want to. All I can say is that my life had not been wasted, I was not always a bad person, I was once a very decent person to be around, but....no one would ever know my past, present, or future unless I had somehow written it down, so before I completely dissinigrate, I might as well tell someone, with my thoughts.
//. Chapter One
/. Unfortunate Weather
"Where.....am I?"
My voice mumbled, cracking under a yawn. My name was unknown at the time, I had found myself in the center of an abandoned city, although you could hear certain things, not the sound of something normal, whatever normal meant. If these voices, these sounds, were a species at all, I wouldn't be able to tell what it was, I could not remember anything, I needed to somehow figure out how I was placed there, what was my purpose, and why was I there....was the most important question on my mind.
My eyes shifted from left to right, the dim orange sky didn't give me much of a source of light, so I needed to use my resources. Looking down I would see leather pants, sagging a bit, and thick black boots with some chains hanging from the back of my pants pockets. My shirt was black, short sleeved and a little torn, and a strap lay right in the center of my chest, but in a diagonal stance, thats when I noticed something was on my back.
Slowly I reached behind myself, my right hand as steady as ever, and a hard substance, metal, was felt. I swiftly brought the item to the front of me, two barrel holes stared me right in the eye, and just like a gunshot, a white flash came into sight, and a gunshot was heard. I could now see a man in front of me, he was naked and half beaten but he had a shotgun in his hand aimed at me, and the shot was not fired directly at me, because I also was naked, holding a pistol, staring into the wound of the man that I had just shot.
All around me were dead bodies, some with clothes on, and others without. The flashback ended swiftly, I was ill prepared for it, I caught myself on my knees, urine laying in front of me and the gun to the right of me. My eyes bulged red, I could feel the intensity of addrenaline pumping through my body, and with the sound of another being, I quickly snatched the gun to the side of me in curiosity and anger, I was not going to die there.
~ would you guys like me to write more? I have more, but just want to know if your hooked yet. |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
/. Prologue
The gates of hell sure didn't seem as scary as I thought it would. ['gates of hell' = they would rather than 'it would'. This is a nice start. ^_^]
The ScapeGoat's head sitting right in the center at the top of the colossal metallic doors. [The ScapeGoat's head was sitting....?]
My eyes dipped a bit, I was drowsy, and it was amazing that feeling still occured to me in such a horrid place, and I wasn't a bit scared by the show being put on in front of me. [Methinks 'occured' isn't the right word to use here. You mean that he's amazed he can still feel tired in such a place, yes? It sounds more like he's amazed he can think of being drowsy. I might also divide this sentence in two, it's kind of long. =P]
Flames stood in two curved pedastools on each side of the gates, but they were my height, oddly.
In the background you could hear the screams, they put chills all over my body, but my head stood high, and my heart stayed at a constant beat, because my concious told me it was going to be alright, and I usually listened to my concious, it had gotten me out of rough situations, but it seemed now that I was in the worst of situations, and as the gates opened, a blazing wind with much heat built into it rushed out at me, and at that very second, my skin began to chip off, as if I were ashes, and then everything just all of a sudden slowed down, to a great extent, I was seeing everything in detail, but I didn't want to. < o.O This. Is. A. LOOOOOOOOONG sentence. You should definitely shorten it into many shorter ones so you don't lose us. XD I do this a lot myself, so I know how easy it is to forget to use periods.
All I can say is that my life had not been wasted, I was not always a bad person, I was once a very decent person to be around, but....no one would ever know my past, present, or future unless I had somehow written it down, so before I completely dissinigrate, I might as well tell someone, with my thoughts. <Another long one. I might split it/ |
^_^ This story looks interesting, though I can't tell where it's going yet. For a hook, this isn't bad. Right away we are wondering what's going on and where things are going.
I haven't really got a feel for your character yet, but I'm sure it will come with time. I think it's quite good, though I did have to read the flashback part twice. I might try a more obvious transition (in the sense that you tell us 'like a shot, a flashback came to me' or something like that). =P
Looks good!
^_^ Keek! |
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Avens Dolor
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:20 am Post subject: Re: Stairway to heaven. |
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Comments in red.
| Bishop wrote: |
//. Prologue
The gates of hell sure didn't seem as scary as I thought it would. The ScapeGoat's head ScapeGoat? I'm not sure how I feel about this name. Is it a goat? Is it a character who gets... well, scape goated? Is it a mythical beast that I haven't heard of? I need a better image than the name gives. sitting "was sitting" right in the center at the top of the colossal metallic doors. My eyes dipped a bit, I was drowsy, and it was amazing that feeling still occured to me in such a horrid place, and I wasn't a bit scared by the show being put on in front of me. Way too long for a sentence; you have to break it up. Also, your first set of commas is incorrect punctuation. Replace them with dashes or parenthesis. Flames stood in two curved pedastools "pedestals" on each side of the gates, but they were my height, oddly. The flames or the pedestals? And why is that odd? In the background Comma, probably, but that's just my preference. you could hear the screams, New line. they put chills all over my body, but my head stood high, and my heart stayed at a constant beat, because my concious ..."Conscience", I think? told me it was going to be alright, and I usually listened to my concious "conscience", it had gotten me out of rough situations, but it seemed now that I was in the worst of situations, and as the gates opened, a blazing wind with much heat built into it rushed out at me, and at that very second, my skin began to chip off, as if I were ashes, and then everything just all of a sudden slowed down, to a great extent, I was seeing everything in detail, but I didn't want to. Um. That line is like a hundred words long. Slow down. All I can say is that my life had not been wasted, I was not always a bad person, I was once a very decent person to be around, but....no one would ever know my past, present, or future unless I had somehow written it down, so before I completely dissinigrate, I might as well tell someone, with my thoughts. Again, too long. And we need more emotion in this. Your MC is telling us that he/she wasn't always a bad person. First off, what did they do? Secondly, why are they not more upset about this?
//. Chapter One
/. Unfortunate Weather
"Where.....am I?" An ellipse only uses three periods.
My voice mumbled A voice cannot mumble. A person can mumble, but a voice...not so much., cracking under a yawn mumbles do not crack.. My name was unknown at the time To the MC personally, or to everyone?, I had found myself in the center of an abandoned city, although you could hear certain things, not the sound of something normal, whatever normal meant. Splice the line--too long with too many concepts packed in. If these voices, these sounds, were a species at all Sounds cannot be species. They can, however, belong to a species., I wouldn't be able to tell what it was, I could not remember anything, I needed to somehow figure out how I was placed there, what was my purpose, and why was I there....was the most important question on my mind. Why you were there and what your purpose is should be the same question...
My eyes shifted from left to right, the dim orange sky didn't give me much of a source of light, so I needed to use my resources. That should be two lines. Looking down I would see leather pants, sagging a bit, and thick black boots with some chains hanging from the back of my pants pockets. Meh...not digging the description, but oh well. My shirt was black, short sleeved and a little torn, and a strap lay right in the center of my chest, but in a diagonal stance "Stance" is definitely not the word you want there., thats Apostrophe! when I noticed something was on my back. ...Because of the strap? What?
Slowly I reached behind myself, my right hand as steady as ever, and a hard substance, metal, was felt. Was felt by what? I swiftly brought the item to the front of me, two barrel holes stared me right in the eye, and just like a gunshot, a white flash came into sight, and a gunshot was heard. A gunshot was heard...just like a gunshot? I could now see a man in front of me, New line. he was naked and half dash beaten but he had a shotgun in his hand aimed at me, and the shot was not fired directly at me, because I also was naked, holding a pistol, staring into the wound of the man that I had just shot. Oh goodness. Slow down and show us--don't tell.
All around me were dead bodies, some with clothes on, and others without. The flashback ended swiftly Did it end after the bodies? Or are the bodies part of it? Or...what?, I was illdash prepared for it, I caught myself on my knees, urine laying in front of me and the gun to the right of me. "Laying"? Like a...urine blanket or something? My eyes bulged red I don't think that things can "bulge red"., I could feel the intensity of addrenaline "adrenaline" pumping through my body, and with the sound of another being Another being what?, I quickly snatched the gun to the side of me in curiosity and anger, I was not going to die there. "Curiosity" and "anger" don't really go together.
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Hokay.
A) Slow down. Seriously. Pace yourself and take time to get your ideas out. There's no need to go cramming them all in to a single sentence.
B) I don't find the diction all that believable. You've got a narrator who says both "scary" and "urine"? These words just aren't on a comparable level, and I don't know that "scary" is a very good descriptor for the emotions you're trying to get across.
The premise isn't bad though, and I think it's something you can work with. Just go back and step into your character's shoes. Ask yourself if he/she would say this, considering the kind of person he/she is. Then, as you're writing, read your work aloud. If you can't say it in one (two at the very max) breaths, then you've got to chop that bugger up into more than one line.
Let me know if you have any questions, or if you ever want another review!
Avens |
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Arekkusu
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:05 pm Post subject: |
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| You've copied my title and sent a link to your site!!!!!!!!! How dare you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M Arekkusu, not you! stop cheating! |
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fecske
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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| THIS story sounds painfully similar to mine, which I've posted 3 days ago. Good job. |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:02 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Newbie!
Now, we all gotta remind you, since it appears no one has said it yet, I will.
Here at YWS, we have a 2:1 ratio. Meaning for every 2 reviews, you can post 1 story. That way it works out for everyone.
Now on to your review!
| Quote: |
| ~ would you guys like me to write more? I have more, but just want to know if your hooked yet. |
Yes, I'd love for you to write more. This is an interesting concept, and I'd like to see where you are going with this. That was a nice intro, also.
But, there are a couple of problems. Nothing too big; you can fix them easily.
| Quote: |
| Flames stood in two curved pedastools on each side of the gates, but they were my height, oddly. |
I don't like the way this sentence is structured. It's a little weird. Instead, try writing it this way:
Flames stood in two curved pedastools on each side of the gates, but oddly, they were my height.
Another thing I've noticed is that you have ridiculously long run-on sentences. Like so:
| Quote: |
| In the background you could hear the screams, they put chills all over my body, but my head stood high, and my heart stayed at a constant beat, because my concious told me it was going to be alright, and I usually listened to my concious, it had gotten me out of rough situations, but it seemed now that I was in the worst of situations, and as the gates opened, a blazing wind with much heat built into it rushed out at me, and at that very second, my skin began to chip off, as if I were ashes, and then everything just all of a sudden slowed down, to a great extent, I was seeing everything in detail, but I didn't want to. |
And:
| Quote: |
| My name was unknown at the time, I had found myself in the center of an abandoned city, although you could hear certain things, not the sound of something normal, whatever normal meant. |
And there's more where those came from!
You gotta learn to chill out. Take your time. You're trying to get too much information out in a short amount of text. Some examples of you moving too fast is your run-on sentences! Look at the first one. That's practically a paragraph!
You need to slowly reel your reader in...
Also, some of your descriptions are odd. Or just plain unnecessary. Avens pointed that out for you, so I don't need to.
Again, like Avens said, you're TELLING! You're telling me, mister. I want to picture it myself, experience it myself... I WANT YOU TO SHOW ME! Make it longer; elaborate on certain parts.
You have some misspelled words.
So, that's all I got. Like I said before, this is interesting. If you fix this up, tell me. Also if you get anymore chapters up.
Glad I got to meet, ya!  |
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Last edited by Livinginfantasy on Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:27 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Theo Hart
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| THIS story sounds painfully similar to mine, which I've posted 3 days ago. Good job. |
| Quote: |
| You've copied my title and sent a link to your site!!!!!!!!! How dare you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M Arekkusu, not you! stop cheating! |
LOLWHUT? Just looked at both of the stories you two have posted to YWS: completely different ideas from Bishop. Searched for the word "Hell" in both. Nothin'. Oh, and "!"s aren't aesthetically pleasing, nor do they incline me to believe that the situation is dire or that your claim is true. Please use far less of them in the future.
If you actually have been plagiarized, contact a mod, or something.
Anyhoo, onto the review:
| Quote: |
| The gates of hell sure didn't seem as scary as I thought it would. |
Gates, your subject, is plural, which means that you need to change "it" to "they." I would also suggest tacking "be" onto the end.
| Quote: |
The ScapeGoat's head sitting right in the center at the top of the colossal metallic doors. |
What's this Scapegoat? BTW, unless you're writing a noun like, "YouTube," you don't write two capital letters in the same word. You can either combine it into one word, like I did previously, or you can hyphenate.
| Quote: |
| As others have said My eyes dipped a bit, I was drowsy, and it was amazing that feeling still occured to me in such a horrid place, and I wasn't a bit scared by the show being put on in front of me. |
What "others?" I am confused. A show? What? Where's the context for this?
For the rest of it, follow the advice of other reviewers. |
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Bishop
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:31 pm Post subject: |
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| Sorry about that haha, I wrote this right off the top of my dome. I do not have to steal people's stories to get an idea down, so I do not appreciate that your actually saying that I copied your stories, because you can't expect everyone's story to be always unlike anyone elses, there are going to be similarities in everyones stories, whether minor or major. I will fix this up and possibly post up another section about it, and write even more on it, but before that ill do two reviews. |
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Seraphim
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject: |
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Looks interesting so far.
I don't know really what to tell you except to watch out for the run on sentances.
Please write more |
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hershey
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:59 pm Post subject: |
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It's good, but it has a long way to go.
1) The sentence starting with "In the background you could her screams..." could be cut into probably ten smaller sentences. The fewer run-on sentences there are in a story, the better.
2) It jumps everywhere. I can't tell if it's in the past or present or if the character (is it a girl are a boy?) is at the gates of hell yet or not.
3) The second sentence in the fourth paragraph uses the word gunshot too much. Use some other words once in a while.
So, before you post anymore of this story, please fix this part up first. |
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Bishop
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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^^
Thats your curiosity, some answers do not come until you keep reading on, sorry I haven't been here, I will get on it after I am out of school. |
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Sexy Sadie
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:10 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!
The only problem I really saw was a few spelling errors and such, but this was a very creative piece of writing! Here's what I noticed.
//. Prologue
The gates of hell sure didn't seem as scary as I thought it (they instead of it) would. The ScapeGoat's head (add ‘was’ right here, it makes it sound better) sitting right in the center at the top of the colossal metallic doors. My eyes dipped a bit, I was drowsy, and it was amazing that feeling still occurred (this is spelt ‘occurred’) to me in such a horrid place, and I wasn't a bit scared by the show being put on in front of me. Flames stood in two curved pedastools (this is spelt pedestals) on each side of the gates, but they were my height, oddly. In the background you could hear the screams, they put chills all over my body, but my head stood high, and my heart stayed at a constant beat, because my conscious (this is spelt conscious) told me it was going to be alright, and I usually listened to my conscious (do you mean conscience?), it had gotten me out of rough situations, but it seemed now that I was in the worst of situations, and as the gates opened, a blazing wind with much heat built into it rushed out at me, and at that very second, my skin began to chip off, as if I were ashes, and then everything just all of a sudden slowed down, to a great extent, I was seeing everything in detail, but I didn't want to. All I can say is that my life had not been wasted, I was not always a bad person, I was once a very decent person to be around, but....no one would ever know my past, present, or future unless I had somehow written it down, so before I completely dissinigrate (this is spelt disintegrate, but good try) I might as well tell someone, with my thoughts.
//. Chapter One
/. Unfortunate Weather
"Where..... (cut two of the dots, only put three ever) am I?"
My voice mumbled, cracking under a yawn. My name was unknown at the time, I had found myself in the center of an abandoned city, although you could hear certain things, not the sound of something normal, whatever normal meant. If these voices, these sounds, were a species at all, I wouldn't be able to tell what it was, I could not remember anything, I needed to somehow figure out how I was placed there, what was my purpose, and why was I there....was the most important question on my mind.
My eyes shifted from left to right, the dim orange sky didn't give me much of a source of light, so I needed to use my resources. Looking down I would see leather pants, sagging a bit, and thick black boots with some chains hanging from the back of my pants pockets. My shirt was black, short sleeved and a little torn, and a strap lay right in the center of my chest, but in a diagonal stance, thats ('that's', not 'thats') when I noticed something was on my back.
Slowly I reached behind myself, my right hand as steady as ever, and a hard substance, metal, was felt. I swiftly brought the item to the front of me, two barrel holes stared me right in the eye, and just like a gunshot, a white flash came into sight, and a gunshot was heard. I could now see a man in front of me, he was naked and half beaten but he had a shotgun in his hand aimed at me, and the shot was not fired directly at me, because I also was naked, holding a pistol, staring into the wound of the man that I had just shot.
All around me were dead bodies, some with clothes on, and others without. The flashback ended swiftly, I was ill prepared for it, I caught myself on my knees, urine laying in front of me and the gun to the right of me. My eyes bulged red, I could feel the intensity of addrenaline (this is spelt adrenaline) pumping through my body, and with the sound of another being, I quickly snatched the gun to the side of me in curiosity and anger, I was not going to die there.
-Sadie |
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