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horsez919
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 Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:06 pm Post subject: Early Nature |
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[I wasn't sure if this should go in "other" or "dramatic"]
I actually wrote this poem in school, but recently I revised it and hopefully made it better.
Well...yeah!
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As I awake to the rising sun,
I look out the dew-covered window.
All the stars have faded away
While the moon still looks down.
I watch animals shuffle around
To the tune of the birds singing.
Now the sun shines bright in the sky
To say hello to a new day. |
Last edited by horsez919 on Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:51 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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gamechanger10
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:44 pm Post subject: |
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As I awake to the rising sun,
I look out the cold dew-covered window. |
Cold might not be needed in this sentence. If you take it out, you could either add a new disriptive word, or just leave it at dew-covered window.
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| The stars have faded away |
Try; "All the stars have faded away.
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| While the moon is still visible. |
Again, I have to suggest taking out the word visible and changing it to something else. For example; "While the moon still remains"...not that exact wording of course, but you might want to consider changing it.
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| I watch animals hustle and bustle |
'Hustle and bustle'? that sounds a bit...young...to me...
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| To the tune of the birds chirping. |
Chiping doesn't really have a tune. Maybe singing?
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| Now the sun in high in the sky |
Try "Above me in the sky." 'High in the sky' sounds very...used.
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| To brighten the start of a new day. |
the ending is fine.
overall, this is a pretty good poem. you don't have to follow some of my suggestions...that's all they are...suggestions.
I didn't check much for punctuation, though there may be a few comas needed at the end of lines.
anyway, nice job.
-GC10 |
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clueless
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:09 am Post subject: Re: Early Nature |
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| horsez919 wrote: |
Now the sun shines bright in the sky
To say hello to a new day. |
add another descriptive word to the last line.
if you read it aloud, i think it would read better with "to say hello to a new lovely day" or something to that effect.
other than that i think this is a beautiful poem, almost exactly like something i would write. thanks for sharing it with us.
-m.j-  |
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Yatta!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:18 pm Post subject: |
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SHUFFLE? Animal's don't shuffle? Animals are animals! Humans shuffle. Animals DO NOT shuffle. Do you know what shuffling is?
Shuffle (v) with object:
1. to move (one's feet) along the ground or floor without lifting them.
2. to perform (a dance) with such movements.
3. to move (an object or objects) this way and that.
1. Uh, have you SEEN animals in the morning? Those things are lively. Squirrels don't shuffle. If squirrels shuffled they'd be dead. Along with foxes, tigers, gophers, birds, etc. Not in this Animal Kingdom, it's survival of the fittest. Only humans dilly dally 'cuz we're the top of the food chain.
2. Animals don't dance.
3. Animals don't move this way and that. Their movements are purposeful and exact. That's why they survived natural selection. That's why they eats so much. You think animals would eat all the time they were moving this way and that? I don't think so! That's not high cardio!
Don't you ever say animals shuffle again!
haha, really I didn't have anything to critique you on that they didn't do already, so i thought I'd be knit picky. But seriously, don't say animals shuffle and use words correctly.
"tune" in concerns to chirping isn't right. -birds are so off tune, I gots a tuner and I can prove it-
"shuffling" in concerns to animals isn't right. -proof above-
etc.
I know you were younger, but...yeah. |
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Shallowdepth
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 1:57 am Post subject: |
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| I like the setting, it reminds me of the property we lived on when I was a kid ^^ . I think what might add to the poem if maybe you added ""'s to the last line. I don't, just a suggestion but I think it would add a little more something to the poem =) And don't really pay attention to Mr. Anal up there. Maybe shuffleing wasn't the right word but it's not like it's toboo or anything. Maybe you could say scuttle instead, although that makes me think of turtles lol. But yeah, write on ^^ |
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Adnamarine
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 8:12 pm Post subject: |
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Um, I don't have much to say about this. It was alright, though it wasn't terribly original. I think it could benefit from a bit more imagery, if you know what I mean by that. I mean, don't just tell us what you're describing. Compare it to other things.
I think it could use a few more descriptive words; and look for unique ones, ones that are lovely by themselves and describe exactly what you mean. Poetry is word pictures. You can't just tell us what you're seeing, you have to show us. This could as easily be prose as poetry.
"While the moon still looks down" Looks down at what? Looks down with what expression? I'd expand this analogy. It could be quite good.
"I watch animals shuffle around
to the tune of birds singing" This is another bit which I think has a lot more potential than you gave expression to. Unlike Yatta, I like how you used the word "shuffle". It's a very specific word. But how do they shuffle around? I'd use a different word for 'around', and maybe a different word for 'watch'. Those words are both used a lot.
And I'd decide on a specific rhythm. Your poem does flow, to a certain extent, but it flows together too much. It's like reading prose, in that you read it all at once. You need a pattern, little pauses that punctuation in the right places provides. You need to decide how long each line is going to be, and pattern it. For example, 10 syllables first line, second line 12 syllables, then 10 again, then 12 again, and so on. I think have that kind of specific pattern works well for so short a poem.
Good luck, and keep writing. If you make any changes and want me to have a look again, PM me:)
*adna* |
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