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Angels, Devils, and Ice Cream
Angels, Devils, and Ice Cream

by mizindependent14 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on July 14, 2008
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Once Upon a Time
Once upon a Time- Chapter Two

Once upon a Time- Chapter One

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Wang Chung   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 4:06 am    Post subject: Once upon a Time- Chapter One Reply with quote

Chapter One

"Hello, Dr. Greene."

"Hello, Abram. What would you like to discuss today?"

Abram Waters fixed him with his cold, hard stare. Dr. Henry Greene shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He hated the sessions with Abram Waters. In fact, he suspected he might even hate Abram himself. The way Abram stared at him, like he was dissecting him with his eyes. The way they never made any progress during their sessions. Abram would skillfully avoid the questions, and Henry wouldn't even notice he wasn't answering them until it was too late. These things made him dread their sessions together. And although he dismissed the thought as silly, Henry also had the unnerving sense that one day Abram would suddenly leap out of his seat and attack him or something. As it turned out, this thought wasn't so silly after all.

"Doctor," Abram tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling. "I believe my mask of sanity is beginning to slip." Henry looked up from the cheap latte he was currently sipping. "Excuse me?" He stuttered.

"My mask of sanity. My façade of control." Abram leaned forward in his seat, displaying an expression of mock curiosity. "Please," Abram cracked a smile that sent hot fear crawling up Henry's legs. "Don't tell me you didn't know I'm a fucking looney."

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand." I Henry attempted looking calm, but it was only a cracked shell of the real emotion.

"Fine, then I'll cut right to the point. You're my shrink, and I've been stringing you along long enough, so I think you have right to know that I've killed a lot of people. I killed my old girlfriend, Ellie, for example. I think you'd like her. I offed some old faggot with a little Chihuahua last week. I shot this one chick with a nail gun. I had to, she was going to get away, and I had to stop her somehow. Shot her right in the face. It was pretty fucking disgusting. Blood everywhere."

He chuckled as if he thought a girl getting shot with a nail gun was a humorous gag on a sitcom. Henry felt the latte slip through his fingers, exploding on the floor. "Ah, shit. I was going to ask for that." Abram said. They were both staring at the cup, the brown puddle surrounding it steadily growing. Abram's eyes flicked back up to Henry. Henry jumped, nearly toppling over in his chair. "You look nervous. Am I making you nervous?"

"Oh fuck," Henry was shaking. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

"Hey, watch the language, buster." Abram laughed. "In case you're wondering, I haven't killed anyone here. I probably will, but not yet." Henry could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. "Calm down. I'm not going to kill you. Not yet anyway."

Henry was crying now, whimpering and crying, the tears carving wet lines down his face before dropping into his lap. "Oh, God. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me!"

"Well of course I'm going to have to kill you, dumbass. I just told you I killed a fuck-load of people. Of course I'm going to have to kill you."

Henry felt the panic exploding inside of him, strangling his windpipe. "I'll do anything. Anything." He croaked. Abram rose to his feet. "They all say that." He began to stride over to Henry. Paralyzed with fear, Henry felt something burst inside his mouth. He had bitten open his lip. He could feel the blood trickling down his chin.

"I swear," Henry gasped. "I won't say anything. I swear to God I won't say anything." Abram leaned over, grasping the arms of Henry's chair. Henry's whole chest was heaving, and his breath was coming out in short, strangled gasps. "That may be true," Abram whispered, just loud enough for Henry to hear. "But you always were an annoying little bitch."

Henry's howled and Abram punched him, blood and spit spraying across the room. Abram grasped him and threw him across the room. Henry's head smashed against the wall, and he crumpled. "Too bad your secretary is such a whore, or she would hear all this." Abram crossed the room to where Henry was lying, still screaming. "She wasn't even here when I came in today; probably getting screwed by one of those interns."

He sat on top of Henry, pinning him to the ground. He held Henry's head in his hands, and as he bucked and thrashed, Abram began to press his thumbs into Henry's eyes. Henry was sputtering nonsense, throwing his arms wildly at Abram's face, screaming at the top of his lungs, blood and spittle flying from his mouth. Abram increased the pressure, and he could feel Henry's eyes burst, and his thumbs sunk deep into his skull, puncturing his brain.

Henry stopped yelling, as the signal emitting from his brain was cut short. Henry's body went limp, and Abram relished the sucking sound his thumbs made as he pulled them from the man's mutilated brain.

He stood, dusted himself off, and strode over to the desk, dragging the body with him. Climbing atop the desk, he removed one of the ceiling panels, and, grunting with the effort, stuffed Henry Greene's body into the hole above. He replaced the ceiling panel, and then hopped off the desk and tucked his bloodied hands into his pockets. He knew that the ceiling panel wouldn't conceal Henry for long, but it didn't matter.

He left Dr. Henry Greene's office just as his secretary sat down in her chair, reapplying lipstick she had lost blowing one of the box boys. "How was today's session, Abram?" She asked, showing no sign of interest whatsoever. "Oh, not bad." He replied. "Although I think I might have picked his brain a little this time around."


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Last edited by Wang Chung on Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:06 am; edited 14 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found this piece completely absorbing! Even when I didn't want to read on (I'm squeamish!) I couldn't seem to stop. Abram is wonderfully chilling in his disregard for the lives of others, like the fact he laughed at the thought of the victim he killed with the nail gun. I think it portrays his insanity perfectly! I can't seem to find fault anywhere Laughing I thought the narrative voice and the pace was effective and the last line was very clever and made me laugh Very Happy I'm really keen to find out more about Abram, because I'm not so sure he's purely driven by his insanity. Can't wait for the next installment, I'm hooked!

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GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ugh, geez. I was totally not expecting it to play out like that. (it comes of ignoring ratings, I suppose.) It was horribly graphic and sickening, yet totally absorbing. I couldn't look away. Great job of doing gore without making it uber melodramatic or skirting around it. You just did it in a matter of fact way and it came out great.

My only critique is that Henry seems to panic very quickly. Granted, I'd be freaked out too, but I'd probably be more in a stunned silence for a bit longer, wondering if he was telling the truth or just pulling my leg. You say that their sessions had been skirting around the issue for a while. It seems to me that the doctor's first reaction to such straight out confessions would be a little skepticism (maybe not expressed, but at least he would be a bit calmer as he worked it out). It seems like he takes Abram really seriously really quickly for having never seen this side of him before.

Also, you switch POVs in here, from Henry to Abram. I'd either keep it one voice all the way through (not really an option in this piece, I guess, what with its gradual reveal and all) or divide it somehow to make the two POVs distinct. It is just annoying to be reading one person's thoughts and then suddenly be thrust into another person's head without any warning whatsoever.

Quote:
throwing is arms wildly


I think you mean "his arms".

Anyway, this was very nice. Gruesome and all that, but very nice. The flow was great and somehow the lack of descriptions in the blood and all that made it even worse.

Love it. *thumbs up* Keep it up!

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found it interesting, I have a weak stomach so it was kind of hard to read the gore but I liked it.
This is a very interesting story you have got going and I can't wait until the next part comes out.

PM me when the next installment is out, thanks.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds like "American Pscycho" rip-off.
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. Then again, I have a thing for anything psychotic. Perceptive and introverted is the way to do it.If He gets caught, it will be worth watching someone catch him, and if he doesn't, it is worth watching him get away. Kudos. I'm not a fan of grammar, but I'll let you know you forgot a word or two. By the way, American-Psycho rip off, is a bit too much. After all, Mr. Water's was never trying to be anything but Mr. Waters. If he's a cold blooded killer, I love the character. If he has motives, I don't like him at all. Because in the end, there is no justifiable reason for killing another human being. So if Mr. Waters knows there's no good reason to kill another human being and does it anyway...well..that's deadly. Also, please PLEASE it will make me very happy if you would continue to play with irony. I very much appreciated your use of it in the passage, but a lot of American novels don't utilize it to it's fullest extent. If you are going to play psychotic you have to understand the meaning of killing a human being for the sheer whim of killing him. If a guy makes you angry, that's blowing things out of proportion, but if you kill a man simply because he happened to be the 26th man to walk through the door, well...that's crazy. Sure, some deaths might be logical, but most others shouldn't.

Furthermore, to praise this bout of literary finesse, I must say, I liked how you listed off the deaths. Very stylish. Be careful, however, to stay relatively clear of motives and relatively clear of clichés. It's not a cheap rip off of "American Psycho" yet, but it may just end up being it.
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 11:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Furthermore, why's everyone grossed out? I thought it could be WAY worse. Pft.
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