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Writing for love is a pas
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 Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: Flashback to Pain; Chapter 1 |
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It's over. It's so over. Your smell of cheap cologne is nauseating. Your once lovable touch makes my skin crawl. I can't believe I had once loved you. You promised that we would be the only forever. You said that we would still be going strong when all of our friends had separated. I used to love you. But now, only your lies spark my interest.
"Come on! There's only a half an hour 'till his party Jade!You haven't even come over to get ready yet!" my best friend Ice squealed over the phone.
"I don't know why you're making me go to his party, Ice. We just broke up last week. I'd be unwanted." I fired back exasperatedly over the phone, rolling my eyes even though she couldn't see it. I really didn't want to go to Bryce's party.
Ice didn't say anything.
"Okay. I'm on my way," I said, picking up my keys, "But we're using your stuff, OK?"
"Whatever. Hurry over." Ice screamed back. She was excited.
Clicking my phone off, I grabbed my outfit- a tight, black spaghetti strap belly shirt and a short, neon green mini skirt- and walked out of my bathroom door and into my room. I was going over to Ice's house to do my hair and make-up. Ice also had the rest of my outfit-my high-heeled black clunky boots and my green and black leggings.
Reluctantly hauling my stuff into the hallway, I checked the hallway clock. 4:45. I still had an hour until the party. Oh well, I thought, no need to speed.
"Bye Mom. Bye Dad!" I yelled on my way out of the door. I barely heard their distinct reply over the the slamming of the garage door. I climbed into the car and started the engine. Ice's house was only a 15 minute drive from mine.
Soon after getting on her road, I saw her house from my Portia's windshield. I slowed down, then parked in her drive-way.
We had a party at Ices' house, remember? It was when her parents were on their second honeymoon. You, me, Ice, and Rodney. It was a blind date for Ice. I'm glad they hit it off. Rodney is still a gentleman from then to this day, but we enjoyed 7, no, more like 20 minutes in heaven. My heaven turned to Hell.
I saw Ice waiting for me in curlers on her huge front porch. Her house was three stories. Living room, kitchen, and the dining room were on the first floor. The bedrooms and bathrooms were on the second, while the study was on the topmost level.
"Hey, girl!" I yelled from my window. "Come and help me get my stuff."
We got my stuff from the car and retreated to Ice's room. When Ice closed the door, she looked at me with all the seriousness I had ever seen from her.
"What?" I asked.
"Guess who called me and asked if you were coming?"
"Who?"
"Bryce. He still has feelings for you, Jade!" She said. "He loves you!"
"Well, I don't return the favor."
Briing. Briing.
Ice's private phone went off.
"Hello? This is Ice." Her eyes widened with surprise to whoever called her.
"Who is it?" I whispered loudly.
"Oh yeah, Bryce. She's here. Oh...you want to talk to her? Sure, here she is." Ice handed the phone to me.
"Ice! What the hell is wrong with you?" I said, covering up the phone with my hand so Bryce wouldn't hear me.
She gave me a look that said sorry and I answered the phone.
"Hello?" I asked Bryce.
"See you at the party, Jade. You might not ever come back from it though."
Then he hung up. |
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Last edited by Writing for love is a pas on Mon Jul 28, 2008 4:20 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: |
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wow!
this is freaky. i like it.
i more to read more of this. you must work on the second part. |
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bunnie_i_am
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: |
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wow! thats amazing!
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| It's over. It's so over. Your smell of cheap cologne is nauseating. Your once lovable touch makes my skin crawl. I can't believe I had once loved you. You promised that we would be the only forever. You said that we would still be going strong when all of our friends had separated. I used to love you. But now, only your lies spark my interest. |
i love this part! its so deep and gives me a good picture.
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| I barely heard their distinct reply over the clunking of my stuff in the back seat. |
i dont get this so much.
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| Rodney is still a gentleman from then to this day, but we enjoyed 7, no, more like 20 minutes in heaven. My heaven turned to Hell. |
this is my favorite part! keep writteing and good luck! |
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ambercoultis
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:53 am Post subject: Re: Flashback to Pain |
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| Writing for love is a pas wrote: |
It's over. It's so over. Your smell of cheap cologne is nauseating. Your once lovable touch makes my skin crawl. I can't believe I had once loved you. You promised that we would be the only forever. You said that we would still be going strong when all of our friends had separated. I used to love you. But now, only your lies spark my interest.
"Come on! There's only a half an hour 'till his party Jade!You haven't even come over to get ready yet!" my best friend, Ice squealed over the phone.
"I don't know why you're making me go to his party, Ice. We just broke up last week. I'd be unwanted," I fired back exasperatedly over the phone, rolling my eyes even thought she couldn't see it. I really didn't want to go to Bryce's party.
Ice let the phone hang silent.
"Okay. I'm on my way," I said, picking up my keys, "But we're using your make-up. Okay?"
"Whatever. Hurry over." Ice screamed back. She was excited.
Clicking my phone off, I grabbed my outfit- a tight, black spaghetti strap belly shirt and a short, neon green mini skirt- and walked out of my bathroom door and into my room. the two rooms connected. I was going over to Ice's house to do my hair and make-up. Ice also had the rest of my outfit-my high-heeled black clunky boots and my green and black leggings.
Reluctantly hauling my stuff into the hallway, I checked the hallway clock. 4:45. I still had an hour until the party. Oh well, I thought, no need to speed.
"Bye Mom. Bye Dad!" I yelled on my way out of the door. I barely heard their distinct reply over the clunking of my stuff in the back seat. I climbed into the car and started the engine. Ice's house was only a 15 minute drive from mine.
Soon after getting on her road, I saw her house from my Portia's windshield. I slowed down, then parked in her drive-way.
We had a party at Ices' house, remember? It was when her parents were on their second honeymoon. You, me, Ice, and Rodney. It was a blind date for Ice. I'm glad they hit it off. Rodney is still a gentleman from then to this day, but we enjoyed 7, no, more like 20 minutes in heaven. My heaven turned to Hell.
I saw Ice waiting for me in curlers on her huge front porch. Her house was three stories. Living room, kitchen, and the dining room were on the first floor. The bedrooms and bathrooms were on the second, while the study was on the topmost level.
"Hey, girl!" I yelled from my window. "Come and help me get my stuff."
We got my stuff from the car and retreated to Ice's room. When Ice closed the door, she looked at me with all the seriousness I had ever seen from her.
"What?" I asked.
"Guess who called me and asked if you were coming?"
"Who?"
"Bryce. He still has feelings for you, Jade!" She said. "He loves you!"
"Well, I don't return the favor."
Briing. Briing.
Ice's private phone went off.
"Hello? This is Ice." Her eyes widened with surprise to whoever called her.
"Who is it?" I whispered loudly.
"Oh yeah, Bryce. She's here. Oh...you want to talk to her? Sure, here she is." Ice handed the phone to me.
"Ice! What the hell is wrong with you?" I said, covering up the phone with my hand so Bryce wouldn't hear me.
She gave me a look that said sorry and I answered the phone.
"Hello?" I asked Bryce.
"See you at the party, Jade. You might not ever come back from it though."
Then he hung up. |
Okay.. creapy. SHe's not comeing back? SOrry but I finally figured out what showing and telling is. There's a lot of telling. I don't mean to be picky. It just is the way it is. Hope this helps any.
-AMber |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 6:12 am Post subject: Re: Flashback to Pain |
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| Writing for love is a pas wrote: |
It's over. It's so over. Your smell of cheap cologne is nauseating. Your once lovable touch makes my skin crawl. I can't believe I had once loved you. You promised that we would be the only forever. You said that we would still be going strong when all of our friends had separated. I used to love you. But now, only your lies lying spark my interest.
"Come on! There's only a half an hour 'till his party, Jade! You haven't even come over to get ready yet!" my best friend Ice squealed over the phone.
"I don't know why you're making me go to his party, Ice. We just broke up last week. I'd be unwanted." I fired back exasperatedly over the phone, rolling my eyes even thought she couldn't see it. I really didn't want to go to Bryce's party.
Ice let the phone hang was silent.
"Okay. I'm on my way," I said, picking up my keys, "But we're using your make-up. OK?"
"Whatever. Hurry over." Ice screamed back. She was excited. In dialogue, use exclamation points when a person is excited, angry, etc.
Clicking my phone off, I grabbed my outfit- a tight, black spaghetti strap belly shirt and a short, neon green mini skirt- and walked out of my bathroom door and into my room. the two rooms connected. I was going over to Ice's house to do my hair and make-up. Ice also had the rest of my outfit-my high-heeled black clunky boots and my green and black leggings. Info dump! Smooth this out in the story. Like maybe Jade asks for her boots and leggings and Ice goes through and dumps the clothing on her bed.
Reluctantly hauling my stuff into the hallway, I checked the hallway clock. 4:45. I still had an hour until the party. Oh well, I thought, no need to speed.
"Bye Mom. Bye Dad!" I yelled on my way out of the door. I barely heard their distinct reply over the clunking of my stuff in the back seat. Clunking? Are we talking about clothing or bricks? I climbed into he car and started the engine. Ice's house was only a 15 minute drive from mine.
Soon after getting on her road street, I saw her house from my Portia's windshield. I slowed down, then parked in her drive-way.
We had a party at Ices' house, remember? It was when her parents were on their second honeymoon. You, me, Ice, and Rodney. It was a blind date for Ice. I'm glad they hit it off. Rodney is still a gentleman from then to this day, but we enjoyed 7, no, more like 20 minutes in heaven. My heaven turned to Hell.
I saw Ice waiting for me in curlers on her huge front porch. Her house was three stories. Living room, kitchen, and the dining room were on the first floor. The bedrooms and bathrooms were on the second, while the study was on the topmost level. Info dump!
"Hey, girl!" I yelled from my window. "Come and help me get my stuff." Somehow, 'hey, girl' seems a bit weird. Try something else.
We got my stuff from the car and retreated to Ice's room. When Ice closed the door, she looked at me with all the seriousness I had ever seen from her.
"What?" I asked.
"Guess who called me and asked if you were coming?"
"Who?"
"Bryce. He still has feelings for you, Jade!" She said. "He loves you!"
"Well, I don't return the favor."
Briing. Briing.
Ice's private phone went off.
"Hello? This is Ice." Her eyes widened with surprise to whoever called her.
"Who is it?" I whispered loudly.
"Oh yeah, Bryce. She's here. Oh...you want to talk to her? Sure, here she is." Ice handed the phone to me.
"Ice! What the hell is wrong with you?" I said, covering up the phone with my hand so Bryce wouldn't hear me.
She gave me a look that said 'sorry' and I answered the phone.
"Hello?" I asked Bryce.
"See you at the party, Jade. You might not ever come back from it though."
Then he hung up. |
Okay, so this was a good story. But you're launching in the horror too fast. And the foreshadowing is too heavy. I hate to be brutal, but you need to stretch out the tension more. Don't break out cackling saw-wielding maniacs by the second chapter. Good job, though. |
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clograbby
wabi sabi, baby
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 6:40 am Post subject: |
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Heya, writin! Love your username. ^_~
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| It's over. It's so over. Your smell of cheap cologne is nauseating. Your once lovable touch makes my skin crawl. I can't believe I had once loved you. You promised that we would be the only forever. You said that we would still be going strong when all of our friends had separated. I used to love you. But now, only your lies spark my interest. |
Wonderful intro.
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"I don't know why you're making me go to his party, Ice. |
Try not to say names too much.
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and walked out of my bathroom door and into my room. the two rooms connected |
Unless it's important plot-wise, we don't need to know that. And capitalize the.
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| We had a party at Ices' house, remember? It was when her parents were on their second honeymoon. You, me, Ice, and Rodney. It was a blind date for Ice. I'm glad they hit it off. Rodney is still a gentleman from then to this day, but we enjoyed 7, no, more like 20 minutes in heaven. My heaven turned to Hell. |
What? Okay, random. Try mentioning before this that she's thinking of him.
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| "Bryce. He still has feelings for you, Jade!" She said |
"she said". Unless a proper noun or a new sentence unrelated to the dialogue, you don't capitalize words after dialogue.
Oh wow! Scary ending!
But why would he hold such animosity toward her? You never mention that it was a bad break up, or that she tormented him to any degree. I think it's important to mention who exactly broke whose heart in this segment - then if he does seek out revenge, we have an an understanding of where the fault exactly lays from the get-go, and we can understand his character a little better.
Thanks for the read! C: PM me if you have any questions! |
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Bella
Would it not be amazing if Spidey really did that?
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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Heya!
I really liked this, especially the way you (as the title suggested) flashed back from present time to small chunks of memories. I think it added to the story a lot.
deafwriter_19 covered most of what I would have said, so there's no need for me to bore you with overrepeating - just know that I back him up.
I do think you spelled portia wrong though. It should be Porsche - yeah, that's right.
Good job and merry writing! If you have any questions feel free to PM me!
~Bella~ |
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omsvmars22
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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I am too late to point out grammar mistakes and things of the sort so all that is left for me to say is good job!
I liked it a lot. You describe her feelings really well, we are there with her.
I want to know what happens! Cliff hanger! Hurry to write more! |
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Writing for love is a pas
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 6:55 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, the flashbacks, as said in the title, are painful for her to remember.
Oh, and deafwriter, have you ever heard of the R.L Stein books? Usually, in the beginning, there's just a misunderstanding in the horror, like a prank or whatnot. 
Clograbby, she hates him. I'm still working on that part, but she hates him. I'm going to explain more in the next chapter. Thanks for the positive reviews. 
Amber, what do you mean by telling? I'm telling you a story with descriptiveness, aren't I?
Thanks for all of the good reviews, and hopefully I'll get the next chapter out as soon as I can.  |
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Alarainya
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 6:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Creepy, but too creepy for the begining. I know she is going to go to the party, its obvious. Thats the problem, if somebody said that to me I'd be like "Hell no, I'm not going!" The ending of this chapter made this story lose all its reality, because it lost all its common sense. I hate to write this, but its true. You made it too creepy to fast. |
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BATCHICK785
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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cool man that was really good
don't make any changes
casue i found no flaws this should have like a nother chapter or somthign i liked it.
KEEP GOING |
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KJ
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 12:22 am Post subject: |
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Hey.
To begin with the nesgative, I had three problems with this: Bad punctuation, you have a tendency to repeat yourself, and state the obvious.
Puncuation is vital. It's important for a piece to look sharp and professional 
It seemed like you stated how she went into her room about three different times in three different ways. We get it. Try to avoid that.
Example for stating the obvious: I really didn't want to go to Bryce's party. That's kind of obvious... There were a couple others, but I'm being lazy and won't go back to find them.
On the plus side, I loved your intro and your last line. Oh, but I would cut the "Then" in front of "he hung up". Makes more of an impact.
Hope this helps. Good luck with editing. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 12:36 am Post subject: |
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Can you say crrreeeppyy??? I can't imagine how I would react to that if someone said that to me!
But anyway, back to your story...
I see that everyone basically has you covered in all the areas considered, like grammer, spelling, yatta, yatta, yatta.
But I must say, you need to make sure that you don't over TELL things. I mean, when you write, you want to paint a mental image for the reader and I didn't feel like you did that. More description is a must. But I think you have the plot down. You know where you want to go with this and I say, go for it!
Keep Writing!  |
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WrittenSoul
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| Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:45 pm Post subject: I like it! |
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| Wow, that's really good. I liked how you ended it with the little cliffhanger. It makes me want to keep reading, which is always a good thing. I also liked how you described the scene with Ice-very nice. But I do agree with other people-you need to not tell things, you need to show readers in their imaginataions. Showing is like clay-you can shape it and do pretty much whatever you want with it. But overall, I think it's pretty good. Keep working! |
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alwaysawriter
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| Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm working on reviewing it on TRC, Lexie, but it's slow going because I'm sleepy and chocolate isn't helping me wake up. |
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