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kris
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 Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:10 pm Post subject: Kissed to death - revised |
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Cold light reigned over the motionless room.
She was always, softly spoken.
Where the misbehaved daughter met her doom.
Shiny teeth, a winning token.
Motionlessly she lay on the bed side.
Silver chain, links all broken.
The sheets gave no trace of her one intention.
No blood betrayed her body,
tightly coiled around her neck.
For her desires she preened.
Her admirer was not what he seemed.
The cell phone cooed from her back pocket.
Her flawless arm, pulled from it's socket.
The missed calls mounted through the day.
Her sun kissed tan, turning grey.
Thunderous knocking at the bedroom door.
Her boudoir had now, become her mourgue.
Now counting best, her misadventure resting.
Sorrow pours from her mother
Enter the police for forensic testing.
All this heartache for a secret lover. |
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Sam
starface
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 6:29 am Post subject: |
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Hey, kris!
All this heartache, indeed--what a cool poem! You pulled off the rhyme scheme pretty well, which was rather impressive. I like this sort of "ye olde" take on a current-day situation. It makes for a strange (but cool) present-day-fairy-tale feel.
The one thing that you lacked in this poem was a sense of rhythm. That's the gross part about working with rhyme--you have to work with rhythm, too, or else everything sounds rather strange. If you're working with an ABAB rhyme scheme, you have to make the rhythm like that as well, or keep the rhythm the same throughout each stanza. How do you do this? It's actually quite difficult to put in, but for now, try to keep each line the same number of syllables. When you get good at that, you can also tweak the wording to make sure the accents are in the same place (something you can do by reading the poem aloud).
That's the thing you have to remember about rhyming poetry--it's meant for oral performance. Whether or not you do is up to you, but reading it aloud really helps to ensure that you have a good rhyme and rhythm scheme.
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Thanks for the read, kris! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions--it's really difficult to do rhythm, as well, so if you want me to take a look at further drafts, I'd love to help out. |
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pegasi_quill
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: Re: Kissed to death - revised |
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| kris wrote: |
Cold light reigned over the motionless room.
She was always, softly spoken. Do you really need the comma after "softly spoken"? Becasue of it, the rest of the line makes little sense.
Where the misbehaved daughter met her doom.
Shiny teeth, a winning token.
Motionlessly she lay on the bed side. Strike 1 - repetition! This is something you MUST avoid, especially in a poem. The only time repetition is acceptable is when it's used with premeditation, for effect. This is most certainly not the case here - change the "motionlessly" to something else.
Silver chain, links all broken.
The sheets gave no trace of her one intention.
No blood betrayed her body,
tightly coiled around her neck.
For her desires she preened.
Her admirer was not what he seemed.
The cell phone cooed from her back pocket. Ooh, I like this auditory image
Her flawless arm, pulled from it's socket.
The missed calls mounted through the day.
Her sun kissed tan, turning grey.
Thunderous knocking at the bedroom door.
Her boudoir had now, become her mourgue. No need for comma after "now"
Now counting best, her misadventure resting.
Sorrow pours from her mother OK, I don't understand these two lines. Could you clarify the situation somehow?
Enter the police for forensic testing.
All this heartache for a secret lover. |
Please, please, PLEASE don't end basically each line with a full stop. I don't know what you are trying to achieve by doing that, but it's something that really ruins the flow of the poem, and any effect your imagery (which is really quite good  ) would have on me.
Apart from that... it's pretty good, well done, keep up the good work |
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horsez919
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! I really liked your poem. Your rhyming is very good, it didn't seem forced or just too much or anything.
pegasi_quill mentioned not to use the word "motionless" in the one stanza 2 times. Instead you could use inactive or something along the lines of that.
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| Cold light reigned over the motionless room |
I very much like this line, but cold light? To me...light isn't all that cold, unless it's winter which doesn't really matter in this poem I don't think. "Bright light" wouldn't do either...maybe something like glowing?? I'm not sure that'll fit either because light doesn't glow...hmm. Well, I at least made the point.
You have potential and I really like this poem.
Keep Writing!! 
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Curlyqpride
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 6:12 am Post subject: wow |
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This was intense!
I felt the pain, and this poem made me do alot of thinking, which is awesome, because if a poem doesn't leave me thinking, I know it wasn't that interesting.
This is cool, can't wait to see more from you! -Curly  |
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