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A Celtic Forever
A Celtic Forever

by WarriorOfTheBrimstone in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on July 13, 2008
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Arekkusu- blades of darkness

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Arekkusu   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 3:20 pm    Post subject: Arekkusu- blades of darkness Reply with quote

Chapter 1- Information

I’m hiding in the only maple tree in this part of the forest, near Mount Fuji. Don’t tell the Shawansi. they're the ones in blue. They’ll cut it down, and I’ll be tortured until I give the location of my clan, the Kyrodu, in red armor. the colour of blood. My name is AREKKUSU, in English, Alex. I’ve been tracking these men for days, trying to find out how and when they will launch an attack on our base. But the thing is, they seem not to know where our base is. From what I’ve heard, they don’t even know the colour of our armour! They found out someone, namely me, was following them after a careless move of me getting too close too fast in my eagerness to find information. But now, hiding in this tree, the rough bark cutting into my legs, i hear what i've needed to hear since i started.

“Men, we're taking too long; we need to be at around the top of M.t Fuji at 6 O’ clock 3 days from now. And that climb is a hard one. I don’t care who is following us. You know the plan: we will move in a pincer movement with the other squad. Were late!” the leader, Migereto, yelled i had heard of him. he licked training his men to use as much of their surroundings as possible.

“relax, we’re samurai, we’re gonna make it.” said his Assistant. Migreto swore. he thought this man, Halero, should have his throat cut. I pulled away. So this was their plan. I had to report to base. But as I shifted position, the wood that had cut my legs changed position, and I gasped, not expecting the ensuing pain that came. The other samurais stopped still. Then, as one, they drew their blades, and fanned out. I quickly and silently drew my katana(long sword) and wakizashi(short sword.) I knew I couldn’t take them all on, but might be able to stop them long enough to let the lords realize something was wrong. I wished I had something to send a message. And then, as if I had a guardian samurai was watching, a pigeon came and perched next to me. It had a note on it’s neck on a scrap of paper. It also had a quill and ink. It also had fresh parchment. I took the note off and read it.

Arekkusu,

Where are you? Do you know anything about the enemy? Write back. The pigeon will return to the centre of the mountain, where we are staying for a few days, as your father has been injured by a mountain bear.

Lord Hirraku.

Looking up, i watched silently as the Shawansi strained to detect and movement. Finally, after what seemed like an age, they sheathed their swords and started talking, muttering about some squirrel.

Sheathing my swords, I quickly wrote back about everything that I had done and seen and heard. I tied it to the pigeon and sent it on it’s way. and jumped down from the tree. Creeping up behind the lazy man, Halero, I slit his throat with a knife without a moments’ hesitation. I quickly lobbed it at another one, cutting through armour, flesh and bone, hitting him point blank in his heart. The rest of them noticed me now, and started running towards me. I legged it to a cliff face, noting the long fall. I couldn’t even see the bottom. Turning, I saw them circling around me. I grimaced as I saw that there were around 40 of them. Drawing my swords, I charged towards them. The next few minutes were pure heaven. I killed relentlessly, my swords swishing. It is said that when a samurai comes to his near death, he is most powerful. Was I feeling that now? Maybe. I pulled back from the oncoming hoard, my swords red and glistening. I prepared to enter the fray, when a voice next to me said something.

"Always watch your back. never turn away to think. I thought they taught you that in training.” I turned to attack the voice, but was kicked hard in the ribs. Staggering back, I struggled to breath. But I staggered into nothing. I had reached the edge of the cliff. Losing my balance I fell. The last thing I saw was a dark, black armoured figure, and then it was nothing but rushing wind, and a revelation. The cliff did have a bottom. A very hard one. I smacked into it hard, and lost consciousness.



Last edited by Arekkusu on Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:21 pm; edited 3 times in total
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chewy66   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

good stuff i want to read more some little mistakes that could be fixed by proof reading other then that its great
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heyy man,
Okay so it has potential, but it's a bit rough?

Anyway on with the critique.

Quote:
I'm hiding up the only maple tree in this part of the forest, near to mMount Fuji

I'd change the 'up' to 'in'. Sounds more natural to me. Also look at the bold bits I've added.

Quote:
Don't tell the blue samurais., Tthe Shawansi.

I think the 'Shawansi' should go before 'blue samurais.' Your MC is more likely to use their proper name first, so I'd just switch the order around so it's 'But don't tell the Shawansi, the blue samurais.'
Also make the above quote all one sentence, it flows better that way.

Quote:
I give the location of the red samurais, the Kyrodu Clan

Again I'd use the real name first.

Quote:
But the thing is, they seem not to know where our base is.

Dude, no one speaks like this. 'I seem not to know' sounds like something Yoda would say... Change to something more natural, like 'they don't seem to know where our base is'? Also if they don't know where the base is why is he worrying that they'll attack? Unless they're searching for the base? It's not really clear what the Shawansi want.

Quote:
They found out someone, namely me, was following them after a careless move of me getting too close too fast in my eagerness to find information

The 'after a careless move of me getting too close' again just sounds awkward. Perhaps 'was following them after I risked getting too close, too fast, in my eagerness to find information.'

Quote:
But they are going to attack, not sure when

Randomness much? You've already made it clear that the Shawansi want to attack their base, then moved on to tell us how Alex is tracking them. This sentence seems really out of place. I'd ditch it.

Quote:
But now, hiding in this tree, the rough bark cutting into my legs, I seem to find my goal.

I'd ditch the first comma, it slows down your sentence too much.
'I seem to find my goal' Nah, doesn't sound right. Maybe 'I finally hear what I came so close to hearing before, when I was almost caught.'

Quote:
"Look, men, we are taking too long; we need to be at around the top of Fuji mountain at around 6 O'clock on the 15 may. It's only 3 days away, and that climb is a hard one. I don't care who's following us. You know the plan: we will move in a pincer movement with the other squad. We're late!" the leader yelled

I'd ditch the 'look' it makes the command sound like less of a well, command.
'Fuji mountain'? Odd word order there. Just stick to 'Fuji' or 'Mt Fuji'
'around 6 O'clock on the 15 may.' Again, detracts from the order. Sounds like, 'yeah we need to be there at about six-ish, but no pressure if you can't go that fast.' I'd swap the '15th May' bit and just put 'in three days' I don't really think the date is needed.

Quote:
said his familiar

I'm so ignorant to these types of things. Confused What's a familiar?

Quote:
but might be able to stop them long enough to let the lords realize something.

I'd ditch the 'to let' and put something like 'for the Lords to realize something was up' sounds better I think.

Quote:
And then, as if I had a guardian samurai was watching, a pigeon came and perched next to me.

LOL, saved by the pigeon.

Quote:
Sheathing my swords, I quickly wrote back about everything that I had done and seen and heard. Finally wishing my father the best and signing it, I tied it to the pigeon and sent it on it's way. and jumped down from the tree.

But I thought the Shawansi had noticed him? In which case he wouldn't be writing a letter. Also how's he able to write? Doesn't he have some beasty sword in one hand and a little sword in the other?

Quote:
Creeping up behind one, I slit his throat with a knife

One what? Pigeon. I know you mean a Shawansi but this isn't really made clear, and it's a massive subject change.

Quote:
I grimaced as I saw that there were around forty40 of them.


Quote:
'I hit it hard, and lostlose consciousness'


Overall Comments

Okay, so I did like it, I think it has potential. But I also think it needs a lot of work to fulfill that potential. Take a look at some of the points below.

Alex
Okay I find your MC, well, boring. So he's obviously a trainee and you can use that to your advantage, have him think back to his training, show us how he's feeling. He's on an important mission, surely he's nervous, then have him think back to what he's been taught to calm his nerves. What's at risk if he fails this mission? Is it too dreadful for your MC to even think about? Just little details that will make your character that little bit more interesting to us readers.

Proof Read
I think you need to proof read your work, there were some mistakes in your piece ranging from grammatical, to parts of speeches which sounded oh so unnatural. Proof reading will fix this.

Like I said, I really liked this piece and with just a little bit more work it could be great.
PM me for anything you don't understand, and when the next chapter is up please
See you around,
Complicated101
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Cobra   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 6:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Toast. Ilike toast. Toast is good. Sorry, what was I talking about? I must have been daydreaming. Probably about toast again. Mmm, toast...

(Two hours later)
Sorry, what? Oh yeah, that's right, I was meant to comment on the story! Not about toast. (But I do like toast!) It's an interesting story line, but with one or two mistakes, most of which Complicated101 highlighted. But the line "I struggled to breath." should be "I struggled to breathe." Also "He licked training his men." should be "He liked training his men. But I'm not here to comment on everything that I can find a fault with (or toast). Great work, let me know when you post the second part. Good luck.

-Cobra

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Toast. Ilike toast. Toast is good. Sorry, what was I talking about? I must have been daydreaming. Probably about toast again. Mmm, toast...

(Two hours later)
Sorry, what? Oh yeah, that's right, I was meant to comment on the story! Not about toast. (But I do like toast!)


Cobra, this is a literary website, dedicated to writers. Please do NOT spam the literary forums with garbage. If you cannot or will not suggest anything helpful in the way of a review, then don't post. We are all here to help each other and assist in improving each other's work. There is a forum called Randomness, go put your nonsense there.

Quote:
But I'm not here to comment on everything that I can find a fault with (or toast).
If you're not interested in commenting on someone's work, then why on God's green Earth are you reviewing this story anyway? Hmmm???

Spaming really ruffles my feathers. Please don't anymore. Thank you.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cobra wrote:
Toast. Ilike toast. Toast is good. Sorry, what was I talking about? I must have been daydreaming. Probably about toast again. Mmm, toast...

(Two hours later)
Sorry, what? Oh yeah, that's right, I was meant to comment on the story! Not about toast. (But I do like toast!) It's an interesting story line, but with one or two mistakes, most of which Complicated101 highlighted. But the line "I struggled to breath." should be "I struggled to breathe." Also "He licked training his men." should be "He liked training his men. But I'm not here to comment on everything that I can find a fault with (or toast). Great work, let me know when you post the second part. Good luck.

-Cobra


Why crit your own story? O.o That's not even a real crit. Talking about toast in a review is completly irrelivent. Please stop this so-called critting.

-Rick.
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this guy is a samarai right? so dont listen anything complicated said about speaking.. how does he know how samarais speak? i bet they do speak like yoda, arnt they like yoda, that solves that.. and now.. and I like hwo the grammar is a bit off because you want to portray them as actual foreign samrais. foreign to us that is.. so now.. all i can say. is., this story is great.. if i turn my common sense off... which i always do.. and i found parts of this hilarious. thats a good thing.. if you were trying or not.. which if you werent so young id think you were.. that might sound confusing.. dont listen to what i just said.. now.. cause i mean.. a pigeon on mt fugi landing on a tree.. with a letter informing a samarai in a maple tree that his dad was mauled by a montain bear.. now thats just pure gold right there. oh and he just so happens to be in that tree where these soldiers (who really have no idea who the clan the guy in the tree belongs too, yet is there enemy? thats just so zany it works!) hears what he needs to hear.. anyway the ending scene was good.. well and nice description.. vivid.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 1:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that this story could turn into something good if you improved on it- you end a sentance and then start again without capital letters quite a lot! This makes me confused because its easy to mistake full stops for commas, so try to improve on spelling and read through your entry before you post it!

Cobra, just because you are Arekkusu's brother does not mean you can ramble on about toast when you are meant to be commenting on his work. Write a story about toast if you want ( but it probably won't be very successful) but don't write it here!

Gee

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