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Heart's Illusion (Working Title) Chapter 1

by Maki-Chan in Romantic Fiction


	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Non-Fiction

This thread was created on July 13, 2008

A Dacner's Feet

Topic ID: 32977

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M.B.Author
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 8:06 am Post subject: A Dacner's Feet

I know this is really short but this was an assignment given to me by my mom about two years ago. So, please enjoy! ____________ Her feet are her way of life. Without them, the dancer is useless. Her lively hood is depended on the good health of her feet. If crippled or deformed the dancer has to stop her dream and passion. The dancers feet are right now behind the curtain, preparing for the show. They are strong and powerful. Sturdy, solid and passionate. They live for the energy of the crowd, the cheers of success. Its veins are visible. Poking out of its skin. Blue and slim, they look like flowing streams. Her toenails are cut short and newly painted. Her heel and toes and covered with bandages, trying to cover the countless blisters playing connect-the-dots all around her feet. The dancers part is coming up, nervously she leans on one foot to the other. Pointe to Pointe to Pointe to Pointe. Slowly shuffling, her slender feet go tense as she peeks out to see a full audience. Gulping, she returned to her preparations. Briskly, she retied her Pointe-Shoes. Her foot flexed and pointed, while slightly shacking. The music ended on stage. A huge cheer banged through the walls. Steadily, the dancer rose. The feet cringed as the weight of the dancers body put all it’s body on it. But, slowly she got into place. The feet got on Pointe. Even though it hurt, she proceeded into the dance with a beaming smile, all thanks to her feet that had gone through so many things. Moving, swishing, gliding around the stage, the feet moved rhythmically with the music. Later, the song stopped. Breathless the ballerina bowed. Breathless the audience cheered and stood in awe of the dancer and her feet. -- M.B.
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 11:20 am Post subject:

Was this supposed to be purple prose-y?

Jared
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 5:41 pm Post subject:

This was really good. Direct and to the point. I'm going to find all of the errors right now, for you. Smile

Quote:

If crippled or deformed [comma] the dancer has to stop her dream and passion.

Insert a comma there.

Quote:

The ~~dancers~~ dancer's feet are right now behind the curtain, preparing for the show.

Dancer's is possessive.

Quote:

Poking out of its skin.

Poking is not nearly a strong enough word. You can think of better. I know you can.

Quote:

trying to cover the countless blisters playing connect-the-dots all around her feet

Wonderful imagery.

Quote:

The dancers part is coming up,

Coming up? Er... no. Find something else.

Quote:

Pointe to Pointe to Pointe to Pointe.

Is there a reason that these are capitalized? I'm no dancer, so I wouldn't know.

Quote:

while slightly shacking.

shacking = shaking.

Quote:

Breathless[comma] the ballerina bowed.

Insert comma.

Quote:

Breathless[comma] the audience cheered and stood in awe of the dancer and her feet.

Insert comma.

OVERALL:

As I said, it was really good. However, there are quite a few things wrong with this. Please go back and use my edits. It will make it a million times better.

You use a lot of raw sentences here.

Ex:

Quote:

Its veins are visible.

It's raw and to the point. No make-up to make it look all nice and pretty.

And, however, I think that this is what's really making this story fall. I think you need to add that make-up. I think that this needs to be flourished with all sorts of good stuff, like similes and metaphors. You have a few, and that really made this story better. So, if I were you, I would go through this and add some similies. Or some really good descriptions.

-Jared

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GryphonFledgling
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:36 pm Post subject:

I second BBB up above me. He caught the edits I was going to point out and he makes some good points.

This has a whole lot of potential. Already, I had an image in my head. I loved how you didn't just make the foot beautiful, but you showed the ugly side of what the foot goes through in order to make the dancer perform. It was haunting in that way.

But it could use a bit more. Don't try and overload it (the almost minimalist use of words is great) but you can use some more elegant words. For example, to use the one BBB pointed out:

Quote:

Its veins are visible.

You could combine that with the next sentence (which is really more of a fragment) and it will flow better (as well as get rid of that pesky fragment that the grammar check harps on).

[quote]Its veins are visible, poking out of its skin.[quote]

But you could also make that a little bit more elegant. "Poking" just doesn't seem to strike the right tone for me. Maybe something more like:

Quote:

Its veins are visible, clearly defined on the skin.

See the difference?

In any case, this was a great piece of work. I liked it a great deal. I'd fix the grammar errors that BBB pointed out, and I would consider the points made, but overall, it is your story.

Wait, you're thirteen now and you wrote it about two years ago... So you wrote this when you were eleven? Daaaaang. Impressive if I do say so myself.

Very nice job. Keep it up because this could kick some major behind.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:39 am Post subject:

This is really good. I loved your tone and how it was half fiction/half non-fiction. I don't know a lot about ballet, despite having lived with ballerinas for years and having a bunch of dancing friends, but there's one thing that didn't really seem right to me.

Quote:

Her toenails are cut short and newly painted.

Surely they wouldn't be able t see her toes if she was wearing ballet shoes? Ignore me if I'm wrong, it just didn't seem right to me.

Quote:

Briskly, she retied her Pointe-Shoes.

The tense changes here, and you revert to past instead of present. I really noticed this, and you need to pick one and stick with it. Personally, I really like the present tense so I thing you should go with that.

I think BBB caught everything else.

I really liked this, and I'm going to give you a gold star.

Great work.

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Sexy Sadie
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Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:16 pm Post subject:

Hello M.B. Author! I just found a few things. ~The dancers feet are right now behind the curtain, preparing for the show.~ Dancers should be Dancer's, with the apostrophe. They are strong and powerful. Sturdy, solid and passionate. This should be one sentence with a semi colan where the period is. The sentence is not complete, it is only a fragment. You have the predicate, just not the noun. Its veins are visible. Poking out of its skin This should also not be a period, but a comma. Again you are missing the noun. The dancers part is coming up, nervously she leans on one foot to the other. Again, Dancer's, not Dancers. This was very good though. Keep up the good work. -Sadie

mikuuuuu
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Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 7:37 pm Post subject:

This it was written very nicley, I liked it a lot.
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Jay
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Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 6:50 am Post subject:

Very poetic and well-written poem. In the first line it should be 'livelihood' where it seys 'lively hood'. Also, this bit "The feet cringed as the weight of the dancers body put all it’s body on it" needs some tweaking-maybe "The foot cringed as the dancer put the full weight of her body on it"? Overall, a very impressive and imaginative poem though.
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This thread was created on July 13, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Non-Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on July 13, 2008

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