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Eagle's Eye
Eagle's Eye

by clueless in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on July 12, 2008
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Kate Has 8 Lives. Chapter 2.
Kate Has 8 Lives :3rd Chapter
Kate Has 8 Lives :Chapter 4
Kate Has 8 Lives :Chapter 5

Kate Has 8 Lives.

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Curlyqpride   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 12:20 am    Post subject: Kate Has 8 Lives. Reply with quote

Kate Has 8 Lives

Kate slammed the door shut of her apartment and used the spare key to lock it up. She ran out and felt the wind whip across her face as she took a smell of the smoke condensed air and coughed. Just her average neighborhood. She dug her hands in her black hoodie pocket for warmth and felt the stinging and the numbness of the cold start to fade from her palms.

When she sat on the steps of her house a rusty old car pulled on top of her driveway and dropped life-time friend Amato off. He smiled at Kate wearing his usual: black hoodie plus a baggy pair of jeans.

“Eh Amato.” Amato’s older brother, Philippe called out in a thick Mexican accent, resting one of his hands on the steering wheel and started to back up from the driveway as he shouted out the window.

“Don’t forget mom wants you at home by seven; you still got crap to do, so don’t try to get away from it, bro.” Philippe spat out the car window and began chewing with his mouth wide open. He sped away fast before Amato had a chance to say anything. The rusted pile of junk kept going faster and faster until it completely left sight.

Amato walked over with his hands in his pockets and a wide smile on his face. Kate let Amato give her the secret shake. She followed along and twisted her hand side to side and pounded his fist hard and felt the pain as she hit it, but it was the kind of pain she enjoyed to have, because it showed her he was dedicated in the shake.

She felt all the coldness leave her body, and knew it was time to start walking with her childhood and forever friend. A gust of wind blew a series of trees to the side along with Kate’s dark brown waves of hair. Amato looked over at her and shot her a mega watt smile, and she got to see again his perfectly straight teeth that looked so white against his dark skin.

“So Kate, we heading to the corner store to grab some snacks?” He asked as they bumped arms again and again when they walked.

“You know I don’t have any cash Amato, and neither do you,” she sighed. It frustrated her that her pockets were always empty when she left the apartment.

“Not if we just take it.”

Kate looked over at Amato. It felt so good to see him again. That was all she felt.

“Got big enough pockets?” She laughed.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” He practically hollered. Kate hid her big toothy smile.

“Does your brother steal?” Kate tried to ask as non-nosy as she could.

“Ahh, I don’t know, and I really don’t care. He has a job, so I don’t see why he would.” Amato exhaled loud as a big puff of cold air left his mouth.

“Oh, okay.”

Amato was Kate's friend since 4th grade. He was Mexican, so he had a smooth tan complexion, black scruffy hair and big sparkly light brown eyes. He was gorgeous, and Kate knew that, but whenever it crossed her mind she pushed it out...He was her friend, she couldn't develop those kind of feeling for him. Not by a long shot.

They kept walking, both their heads facing the sidewalk in deep thought. When they didn’t talk, it was never awkward. They have been friends for so long that they knew what they were both thinking, and just examining the ground and cool February atmosphere, such as the blowing trees and the chimneys on houses, and people arriving at there apartments giving there loved ones hugs and greetings. Seattle was cool as always, and hopefully rain wasn't in the forecast soon.

Kate couldn’t help think about the first time she ever stole something. She was nine, so it was 5 years ago. Her grandma brought her to “ToysRus” to “window shop”, a stupid term her granny would use when she didn’t have any cash to afford toys or clothes when they got to the mall.

Kate was in her Barbie stage, so she collected as many dolls as she could, mostly the ones her mom would find on clearance. When they got to the store, Kate had her eye on a new Barbie clothing line, and found the most gorgeous little dress. It was laced up on the top, and a part of the new spring collection.

She begged her grandma and was on the verge of throwing a fit, but her “Grandma Deloris” still refused to bring out her wallet and look for money. That is when Kate started to pull her long hair and stomp.. Everyone in the store started staring.

So her Grandma turned around and began to look at the clothing, ignoring Kate’s tantrum…So Kate did the unthinkable, and grabbed the box and started to scrape the bar codes and rip the tags off. She stuffed the box in her purple jacket, and tapped her grandmas shoulder.

“What do you want now?” She angrily spat.

“Granny, let's go. I’m bored.” Kate whined.

“Fine, let's head to the car. You are so ungrateful sometimes Kathleen.”

So her grandma grabbed her and Kate started to skip ahead. Her grandmas arm tightened on Kates the more she skipped ahead, but little Kate learned to ignore it. When they almost reached the door, the Barbie box fell out of her pocket and one of the employees immediately rushed over in shock, grabbed Kate’s arm lightly as her grandmas quickly let go, and picked up the box in "awe".

“Excuse me little lady, you weren’t trying to steal this, were you? I just want to let you know stealing is a very, very, very bad thing.” He babied on.

Kate became distracted by his zits and bushy black eyebrows. The peach fuzz on his chin looked almost unreal, and his hair was completely oiled and combed to the side, but suddenly she came into focus about what was going on and gulped loudly. She put on her best baby voice, just to make it so he found complete innocence in her.

“I’m super sorry mister, I didn’t mean to. I was going to ask my granny, but I forgot.” To make the manipulation more irresistible, she sniffled and wiped her small nose with the back of her hand.

“Oh, it’s okay, I’ll let you off the hook sweetheart, just make sure to always pay, okay?”, He further babied.

“I will.” She smiled.. But little did he know, once you get off the hook, you further learn how to always “get off the hook”.

Kate grew up, and stealing wasn’t something she was taught enough not to do, so it became like a drug, and she used every trick in the book, growing up older and older. No more dolls, it now meant business. She was not little Kate anymore, or good little Kate for that matter. She developed in many ways, but the only thing she worked on was her criminal acts.

She ripped tags, stuffed her pockets, opened packages and so much more…She got better and better, and before she knew it, she was a thief.. A no good thief.

Since Kate was out so much, she never did her homework or take time to study. Kate’s grades rocketed down fast, A, B, C then D. She left her house every chance she could, and Amato started to join in on her robbery. This was the third time stealing with Amato, and still considered a thrill.

“Eh Kate, how is home?” Amato started.

“Well, Ginger has been coughing up a storm. I think our apartments cleanliness finally got to her.”

“Ahh, I hope the poor cats okay.” He pouted.

“Well she is getting old, at this point it could mean anything.” she stated as she look up ahead to the Asian market.

After awhile of talking and crossing streets, they finally made it to the small Asian market.

The opened the door and a small bell rung. A small Asian woman wearing a load or make-up peeked over and seemed excited to finally have customers.

The market looked the same. Rows of cheap shelves stacked with chips and scratched up fridges with saran wrap covering the broken glass, full of old energy drinks and de-carbonated sodas. They both knew their eyes were on the candy.

Kate walked over and Amato played cool. He went over the manager and started to ask her questions about the food. He layed his arms on the counter and smiled picking up key-chains set on the front counter and looking at them as if he was interested.

“So, do the jalapeño chips actually taste like jalapeño?” He tried to distract. He put the pink panda key-chain down and put his fist in his cheeks.

“I don’t know, you want some chips?” She shouted in a thick Chinese accent. She grabbed a of container jalapeno pringles and set them on the counter. Her long orange nails were the half the size as the pringle container in front of Amato. The lady was completely unaware of Kate in the back stuffing her pockets.

“What about the ranch? I heard those are good.” He added. He put his hand behind his back and signaled Kate to hurry up as she stuffed cherry flavored air-heads in her pocket. She carefully pulled out each box and tipped them over in her hoodie pockets.

“What do you want from me?” The lady became impatient. She tapped her foot and crossed her arms and Amato knew they were running out of time.

That was when it happened, Kate grabbed Amato’s arm and they immediately rushed to the door. The alarm went off and the manager jumped over the desk and started to chase after them out the door.

They were frantically running as the women was chasing them. Kate's legs pounded against the cement as tears set in the corners of her eyes from the wind whipping in her face.

“You stupid kids! Come back now or I will call the police!” The manager screamed running out of breath.

“Run! Run Kate! Run!”, Amato exclaimed.

Kate ran so fast she felt her legs begin to shake. The air-heads she stole began the fly out of her pocket, one by one, she could hear all that she worked for just slowly drop against the ground where it did not belong. She past a row of trees and began to run through a wide road.

That is when it hit her.. And it wasn’t a thought.. It was a red pick-up truck. A huge pain had come over her hips.

“KAAAATEE!” She heard Amato cry out.

Everything went black…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2 coming soon! Please review! -Curly


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Last edited by Curlyqpride on Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:40 pm; edited 8 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 1:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. There were a few grammer mistakes but that happens to everyone. Smile

Quote:
He smiled at Kate wearing a black hoodie also, and at that, a pair of baggy pants.
You could change it to "...wearing a black hoddie and a pair of baggy pants." or something along those lines. The sentence doesn't seem to flow.

I want to read more!

-Always

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 2:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was good Q-Pride! Wink

There were some grammatical mistakes and what-not, but who doesn't! So no worries there. But I do think that some of the beginning was like "well this happened first and then that happened later." I felt as though you were reading off of a grocery list or something instead of showing us what was happening. Then, towards the middle, everything smoothed out and it got better.

Just work on that and your story will get better and better! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, curlyq!

Ooh, I like Kate. She's easy to sympathize with, even though she's a "bad" person--I still care about her, even though she does immoral things. You also switched between the flashback scene and the present really well. Often, people write those transitions to be really awkward and clunky, but you handled it awesomely (is that a word? XD).

I don't have a lot of overall things to ramble about, so just a few little things:

- I have no idea what a "man shake" is. I'm envisioning white guys shaking hands, which is an awkward way of greeting people, and I'm pretty sure Amato isn't white.

- Actually, what is Amato? I think he's Latino, but the name is obscure enough that I can't place it. Just give us a quick description of what he looks like--that way, we're not quite as confused.

- Why does Kate's criminal activity correspond with her school performance? Does she go stealing instead of study? Does she think she can get away with anything?

- It's impossible to steal things from chain retail stores, so make sure we know what Kate's strategy is, or have her go into an Asian market or something where the security isn't as tight.

- Where do they run? Are they going to cross a street? Are they in the parking lot? Otherwise, the truck suddenly appearing doesn't make a lot of sense.

___

Thanks for the read, curly! If I don't see the next one, just come and poke me. ^_^

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 5:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was pretty good. A light, fun read that I enjoyed. I like Kate even though we're polar opposites. (Okay, so I've done some bad stuff too, but not that bad)

There's just some things I'd like to point out to you that could be done better.

- Showing, not telling. A lot of this was just telling, and that got really annoying. Show us, let us see something instead of telling us what it is.

- Your dialogue. I had two issues with this. First of all, it didn't seem very life-like. I can't imagine saying that. Second, you were a bit weird with the grammar. I'll show you.

Quote:
“You know I don’t got any cash Amato, and neither do you.” She sighed.


Your grammar here is telling me that she said the line, and then she sighed. But I don't think you want that. I think you want to have her in effect, sigh the sentence, in which case you should write it like this:

Quote:
“You know I don’t got any cash Amato, and neither do you,” she sighed.


- Who is everybody? You mention quite a few people in the very beginning and it's very confusing. I don't know who's who. You need to make it more clear, and if we don't need to know, don't mention them.

That's all. Let me know when part two comes up!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, Curly, I'm gonna help you out with this like you asked! *cracks knuckles* ^_^

Quote:
Kate slammed the door shut of her apartment and used the spare key to lock it up.

You can clear this up by saying "slammed the apartment door shut". Try to be short and concise when writing descriptions.

Quote:
as she took a smell of the smoke condensed air and coughed

"smoke-condensed". It makes the sentence read more smoothly.

Quote:
When she sat on the steps of her house a rusty old car pulled on top of her driveway and dropped life-time friend Amato off.

There should be a comma after house, and add possessive "her" before "life-time friend". Her life-time friend.

[quote]He smiled at Kate wearing a black hoodie plus a baggy pair of jeans.[/quote]
People tend not to really care what the person's wearing, unless it's important. It's better to describe physical features.

Quote:
“Eh Amato” Amato’s older brother Philippe called out in a thick Mexican accent, resting one of his hands on the steering wheel and started to back up from the driveway as he shouted out the window.

"Eh, Amato." (see the period I added there?)
"Amato's older brother, Phillippe, called out"

Quote:
“Don’t forget Mom wants you at home by seven, you still got crap to do, so don’t try to get away from it bro”,

"Don't forget, Mom wants" (also, mom shouldn't be capitilized.
The second comma should either be a new sentence or a semi-colon. Think of semi-colons as this: they substitude ands, BUT you can't overuse them, and they don't work in all cases.
"away from it, bro." Punctuation should be INSIDE the quotation marks.

Quote:
Amato walked over with his ahnds in his pockets with a wide smile on his face, Kate let Amato give her the secret shake.

Typo, there in bold.
"with a wide smile". Replace with with and, since you say with twice in this sentence.
Also, starting with "Kate" should be a new sentence.

Quote:
She followed along and twist her hand side to side and pounded his fist hard and felt the pain as she hitted it, but it was the kind of pain she enjoyed to have, because it showed her he was dedicated in that shake.

twist = twisted
hitted = hit (hitted isn't a word)
I also suggest getting rid of the because, and putting a semi-colon there.

Quote:
A gust of wind blew a series of trees to the side and so did Kate’s dark brown waves of hair

Instead of "so did", put "along with"

Quote:
It frustrated her that her pockets were always empty when she leaves the apartment.

You switch to present tense here, which is a no-no. Stories must remain in ONE tense the entire time. Here'sa guideline:
Past tense: Left. "She left the apartment."
Present tense: Leaves. "She leaves the apartment."
Future tense: "will leave"

Quote:
.... It felt so good to see him again, that was all she felt.

Get rid of the ellipses, which are the periods in front. Also, start a new sentence here: "That was all she felt."

Quote:
“Oh, Okay.”

Okay shouldn't be capitalized here since it's not at the start of a sentence.

Quote:
she coulden't develope those kind of feeling for him, not by a long shot,

"Develop". "kind of feelings".
And instead of a comma at the end, end it with a period.

Quote:
They have been friends for so long they knew they were both just thinking, and just examining the ground and cool February atmosphere, such as the blowing trees and the chimneys on houses, and people arriving at there apartments.

Present tense again! Should be had.
"been friends for so long THAT they knew WHAT they were both thinking"

Quote:
“What do you want now?”, She angrily spat.

That comma doesn't belong in there.

Quote:
“Granny, lets go. I’m bored.”

"Lets go" is a shortening of "Let us go". So it should be "let's go", to show that. Apostrophe in there, see?

Quote:
, to make the manipulation more irresistible, she sniffled.

Again that comma shouldn't be there, and "to" should be capitalized. To.

Quote:
“Well she is getting old, at this point it could mean anything.” She stated

She should not be capitalized.

Quote:
small bell ringed.

ringed isn't a word. "rung"


COMMAS! Try to be aware of where commas should be. I would suggest looking up the rules of commas either online, or by a book on writing, to help acquaint yourself with this. It's what I did. ^_^

Ellipses are bad. Most of the time, anyway. I would suggest going through this and getting rid of excessive periods.

I like your character Kate though - she's adorable and has flaws, but still seems like a good person. I like how her and Amato are so different but still good friends.

SHOW AND TELL TIME!

Since you asked, I'm gonna explain this to you. It's something you're gonna hear A LOT if you want to write - because it's quite important in writing.

The rule is, telling is no fun. Readers don't like to read stories where they're told everything. And what exactly is telling? It's this:

"George ran down the sidewalk."

Okay, we got it. We were told he ran down the sidewalk. We can envision it okay. NOT fun to read though!

To SHOW is to give the reader's a detailed image, to allow a scene to form in the reader's brain. This would be showing:

"George's felt his feet beat on the cement of the sidewalk, wind whipping in his face."

Wow! We can really picture that. And it's a lot more fun to read than just "he ran".

Go through your writing and see places where you tell and don't show. Where you can really describe what's going, give the reader's an image of what's going on rather than just telling them.

I hope this helped! PM me if you anything else!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:09 am    Post subject: WOW! Reply with quote

Thanks for the enourmous review! It means so much that you put a lot of effort into lil' 'ol Junior writer me. I see I have MUCH editing to do! What a learning experience to read your review, thank you so much! Very Happy -Curly

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I don't know how to follow a review like those of everyone else above me.

I disagree with clograbby on one point:

Quote:
(also, mom shouldn't be capitilized.


When used as a proper noun (a name) "mom" should indeed be capitalized.

Example of when not to capitalize:

"Bobby now wished he had told his mom he was sorry after that fight."

Example of when to capitalize:

"'Hey, Mom... Um... I'm coming home,' Bobby stammered into the phone."

See what I mean?

Anyway, very nice story. As everyone else has said, Kate is actually an easy character to relate to, despite the moralistic differences between the character and reader. Great job in making even a morally "corrupt" character identifiable and likable. That's really hard to do.

If Kate has known Amato so long, why does she ask just then if his brother steals? It seems to me that she would know a bit more about him after such a long association. Then again, it sounds to me as if they don't steal together that often. This is only the third time? How did he find out and when did he start cashing in? Did he steal before, or did she corrupt him?

Looking forward to more. Would you PM when you put up the next chapter? Pretty please?

*thumbs up* Keep up the great writing and welcome to YWS!

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:28 pm    Post subject: YAY! Reply with quote

Thanks Gryphon, *sniffle, happy crying* that means so much!

I will definetley let you know when the second chapter comes! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:14 am    Post subject: Hola, Chica! Reply with quote

Hola, Chica!!
I love it i love the fact that she was a crinimal since 9!!!
I find it really funny with the asain lady !
but it is sad how she died, and how her cat is doing! Sad
Ya i now im a weirdo!!STOP LAUGHING AT ME AAH!!!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi,
So everyone pretty much took care of all the fixing mistake things. I really can't say anything, everyone did it for me. Laughing I really liked your story, it had a goos cliff hanger at the end. It really made me want to find out what happened to Kate. The beginning was also a hook, which some people find hard to do, you did it every well, though. Very Happy I like how she started stealing at a young age. I liked this part:

Quote:
She was nine, so it was 5 years ago.


This isn't a very big part in the story, I just liked how you told a age and then said how many years ago it was, so the reader would have to clue in.

I have only read the first chapter now, but I look forward to reading the rest.

Good luck, keep up the excellent work!

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First thing: USE COMMA'S OR if required/allowed SEMI COLANS! Most sentances in the beginning sentances are just one simple sentance. Without commas/semi colans your readers aren't going to get the story at all, and will quickly tire of it. Trust me - i've read a book that had about 20 sentances in 200 pages with a comma. I forced my way through it and by the end i didn't even know what the heck was the plot! It's boring. And can be easily fixed - i tried at the beginning, suggesting to you an alternative, which you can/can't accept as an aid. It's not that hard to turn what you have into something much better with just a few commas. Try and follow my lead... but it does get better a little while on, but then you go from having none to having heaps and in the wrong places Neutral but still just at editing stage - good effort so far

Content
I like where this story goes and what sort of things it goes into. Then again the entire stealing bits end far too quickly, lack in attitude and you haven't got enough action. If you and a friend walked into a shop to steal something you'd have far more dialoge (between amato and the shopkeeper or kate and amato), more hand signals, more looks between the pair, and i am pretty sure that, reading this story now, you make the shopkeeper out to be blind. There isn't anywhere that says the shopkeeper turns around, and if you were a shopkeeper you would have your eye on Kate too, because you haven't stated if she is in clear view or not. So i am guessing she's in clear view, Amato is leant over the counter, and the shopkeeper can see her stealing. So fix this up - needs a bit of tweaking.

Dialogue is fine, but what comes after is what boggs you down. It's always she 'said/stated/etc' he 'said/shouted/etc'. You don't have to always have that - as long as its obvious who's speaking, you'd be fine launching into the next thing they do... as so
"blah blah blah!" Kate glanced sideways at the curb, glad there were no puddles that cars could splash her with.

Setting: Needs work. There is a month - but no country (doesn't need one but a season would be good), no reference to day/light just assuming day because it never says otherwise. Setting isn't very well described - i have no idea what the weather is like, if it is day or night, warm or hot, raining or sunny, an unusually hot february, predictably chilly february (hoodie suggests cold but nothing more). Is there ice on the streets? Snow? Those simple details can throw life into your story and look how easy it is. (then again i always go a bit over the top but keep it simple and your story will be so much better)

Sorry to sound brutal and harsh - i come across horrible but it's all constructive and not meant (from my p.o.v) to crush you. Im not saying it's a bad story, it's good, but is lacking with detail and yeah - nees a bit more work. Good effort and i am now doing chapter 2


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 5:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice job. And what a way to end the chapter! God, now I can't wait to read chapter two. But as for this chapter, here's my critique:
I thought you did a good job with your choice of tone. Just by the way you narrate, I have a clear picture of the setting and characters. In fact, I want more. You can open with more description, not too much, just enough to give the reader a good idea of Kate's neighborhood. And I think it should be "your" average neighborhood, not "her" average neighborhood. Little grammar nit pick there.
I have a question: Is Amato Mexican or Hispanic? There's a difference, and I'm just curious. Also, is that a real name? Sorry, that's a dumb question, and it's not like it really matters, but again, I'm just curious. If so, what does it mean in Spanish? As for his brother, I think you should spell his name "Felipe", the traditional Spanish way.
It's good how you set up Kate's thievery, at first making me think that she's just kidding when she suggests robbing the grocery store, but then it was pleasantly shocking to find out that Kate's a professional. I like the flashback, but I think you could flesh it out. Actually, this whole thing could use a little fleshing, just to build detail. Use the five senses, you know? It would bring your story to life even more.
The part about the Asian store seemed very nitty-gritty and real life. I like the panda keychain. Very Happy Another question, though: how did the alarm go off?
Okay, that's it. Overall, very well done. I suggest going over it and adding more detail. Keep up the good work.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey =] here's your review! I know this is just the first chapter, but I thought I'd read it from the start! I will do the other chapters if you want me too. Anyway, first your redline:

Line by Line
Kate slammed the door shut of her apartment I think this would sound better as “Kate slammed the door of her apartment shut” and used the spare key to lock it up. She ran out and felt the wind whip across her face as she took a smell “took a smell” sounds weird to me. Maybe “breathed in” would be more poetic =] of the smoke condensed air and coughed. Just her average neighborhood. She dug her hands in her black hoodie pocket for warmth and felt the stinging and the numbness of the cold start to fade from her palms.

When she sat on the steps of her house a rusty old car pulled on top of her driveway and dropped life-time friend Amato off. He smiled at Kate wearing his usual: black hoodie plus a baggy pair of jeans. This seems a little bit obsolete; also you’ve said black hoodie two times so it’s just repetitive. I don’t think it matters much. If you wanna talk about his style of clothing maybe a simile would be nice, rather than just stating what he was wearing

“Eh, Amato.” Amato’s older brother, Philippe called out in a thick Mexican accent. Resting one of his hands on the steering wheel he started to back up from the driveway as he shouted out the window.

“Don’t forget mom wants you at home by seven; you still got crap to do, so don’t try to get away from it, bro.” Philippe spat out the car window and began chewing with his mouth wide open chewing what, didn’t he just spit?. He sped away fast sped suggests fast already before Amato had a chance to say anything. The rusted pile of junk kept going faster and faster until it completely left sight.

Amato walked over with his hands in his pockets and a wide smile on his face. Kate let Amato give her the secret shake. She followed along and twisted her hand side to side and pounded his fist hard and felt the pain as she hit it, but it was the kind of pain she enjoyed to have, because it showed her he was dedicated in the shake. Long rambly sentence a bit... I think it would sound easier like this for e.g. “She followed along, twisting her hand side to side and pounding his fist hard. She felt the pain, but it was practically enjoyable, representing her dedication to their secret shake.” Maybe =]

She felt all the coldness leave her body, and knew it was time to start walking with her childhood and forever friend. childhood and forever is weird. Just childhood would be better A gust of wind blew a series of trees to the side along with Kate’s dark brown waves of hair. Amato looked over at her and shot her a mega watt smile, and she got to see again his perfectly straight teeth that looked so white against his dark skin.

“So Kate, we heading to the corner store to grab some snacks?” He asked as they bumped arms again and again when they walked.

“You know I don’t have any cash Amato, and neither do you,” she sighed. It frustrated her that her pockets were always empty when she left the apartment.

“Not if we just take it.”

Kate looked over at Amato. It felt so good to see him again. That was all she felt. What do you mean by that was all she felt? You mean she wasn’t shocked by his suggestion of stealing? I think you need to be more specific or just delete this.

“Got big enough pockets?” She laughed. I like that, that’s funny =] good dialogue. You’re really good at dialogue!

“That’s what I’m talking about!” He practically hollered. Kate hid her big toothy smile.

“Does your brother steal?” Kate tried to ask as non-nosy as she could.

“Ahh, I don’t know, and I really don’t care. He has a job, so I don’t see why he would.” Amato exhaled loudly, a big puff of cold air left his mouth.

“Oh, okay.”

Amato was Kate's friend since 4th grade. Amato had been Kate’s friend since 4th grade. He was Mexican, so he had a smooth tan complexion, black scruffy hair and big sparkly light brown eyes. He was gorgeous, and Kate knew that, but whenever it crossed her mind she pushed it out...He was her friend, she couldn't develop those kind of feeling for him. Not by a long shot. not by a long shot doesn’t really make sense here, that means more like “when she jumped she knew she wouldn’t reach the other side, not by a long shot.” I think what you meant to say is like... not in any circumstances. I’m not sure what exactly would fit here...

They kept walking, both their heads facing the sidewalk in deep thought. When they didn’t talk, delete this comma? it was never awkward. They have been friends for so long that they knew what they were both thinking, and just examining the ground and cool February atmosphere, such as the blowing trees and the chimneys on houses, and people arriving at there apartments giving there loved ones hugs and greetings. This sentence is mangled =[ okay, this is what I think “They had been friends for so long that they knew what they were both thinking. Just examining the ground in the cool February air was enough, watching the trees blowing and the chimneys on the houses, seeing people arriving at their apartments and giving their loved ones hugs and greetings.” –Still pretty long. Seattle was cool as always, and hopefully rain wasn't in the forecast soon.

Kate couldn’t help think about the first time she ever stole something. She was nine, so it was 5 years ago. Her grandma brought her to “ToysRus” isn’t it Toys R Us? to “window shop”, I think instead of speech marks like that, it’d look nicer with just apostrophes like ‘window show’ a stupid term her granny would use when she didn’t have any cash to afford toys or clothes when they got to the mall. I don’t think you need “when they got to the mall”

Kate was in her Barbie stage, so she collected as many dolls as she could, mostly the ones her mom would find on clearance. When they got to the store, Kate had her eye on a new Barbie clothing line, and found the most gorgeous little dress. It was laced up on the top, and a part of the new spring collection.

She begged her grandma and was on the verge of throwing a fit, but her “Grandma Deloris” why is that in speech marks anyway? still refused to bring out her wallet and look for money. That is when Kate started to pull her long hair and stomp.. three dots...also it doesn’t fit here, a comma is better. Everyone in the store started staring.

So her Grandma turned around and began to look at the clothing, ignoring Kate’s tantrum… Full stop instead of those three. So Kate did the unthinkable, and grabbed the box and started to scrape the bar codes and rip the tags off. She stuffed the box in her purple jacket, and tapped her grandmas shoulder.

“What do you want now?” She angrily spat.
“Granny, let's go. I’m bored.” Kate whined.

“Fine, let's head to the car. You are so ungrateful sometimes Kathleen.”

So her grandma grabbed her and Kate started to skip ahead. Her grandmas arm tightened on Kates the more she skipped ahead, but little Kate learned to ignore it. When they almost reached the door, the Barbie box fell out of her pocket and one of the employees immediately rushed over in shock, grabbed Kate’s arm lightly as her grandmas quickly let go, and picked up the box in "awe". why is that in speech marks? You don’t need them for every word that’s a bit weird.

“Excuse me little lady, you weren’t trying to steal this, were you? I just want to let you know stealing is a very, very, very bad thing.” He babied on.

Kate became distracted by his zits and bushy black eyebrows. The peach fuzz on his chin looked almost unreal, and his hair was completely oiled and combed to the side, but suddenly she came into focus about what was going on and gulped loudly. She put on her best baby voice, just to make it so he found complete innocence in her.

“I’m super sorry mister, I didn’t mean to. I was going to ask my granny, but I forgot.” To make the manipulation more irresistible, she sniffled and wiped her small nose with the back of her hand.

“Oh, it’s okay, I’ll let you off the hook sweetheart, just make sure to always pay, okay?”, Bad comma, delete He further babied. further babied doesn’t make sense.

“I will.” She smiled.. dot dot dot bad =[ delete But little did he know, once you get off the hook, you further learn how to always “get off the hook”. speech marks again.

Kate grew up, and stealing wasn’t something she was taught enough not to do, so it became like a drug, and she used every trick in the book, growing up older and older. No more dolls, it now meant business. She was not little Kate anymore, or good little Kate for that matter. She developed in many ways, but the only thing she worked on was her criminal acts.

She ripped tags, stuffed her pockets, opened packages and so much more…She got better and better, and before she knew it, she was a thief.. A no good thief. dot dot dot again. Just use a full stop here

Since Kate was out so much, she never did her homework or take time to study. take -> took Kate’s grades rocketed down fast, A, B, C then D. She left her house every chance she could, and Amato started to join in on her robbery. on -> with This was the third time stealing with Amato, and still considered a thrill.

“Eh Kate, how is home?” Amato started.

“Well, Ginger has been coughing up a storm. I think our apartments cleanliness finally got to her.”

“Ahh, I hope the poor cats okay.” He pouted. I’ll talk about speech layout a bit later =]

“Well she is getting old, at this point it could mean anything.” she stated as she look up ahead to the Asian market.

After awhile a while = two words of talking and crossing streets, they finally made it to the small Asian market.

The opened the door and a small bell rung. rung -> rangA small Asian woman wearing a load or make-up peeked over and seemed excited to finally have customers.

The market looked the same. Rows of cheap shelves stacked with chips and scratched up fridges with saran wrap covering the broken glass, full of old energy drinks and de-carbonated sodas. They both knew their eyes were on the candy.

Kate walked over and Amato played cool. He went over the manager and started to ask her questions about the food. He layed his arms on the counter and smiled, picking up key-chains set on the front counter and looking at them as if he was interested.

“So, do the jalapeño chips actually taste like jalapeño?” He tried to distract her. He put the pink panda key-chain down and put his fist in his cheeks.

“I don’t know, you want some chips?” She shouted in a thick Chinese accent. She grabbed a of container jalapeno Pringles capital p and set them on the counter. Her long orange nails were the half the size as the pringle capital p container in front of Amato. The lady was completely unaware of Kate in the back stuffing her pockets.

“What about the ranch? I heard those are good.” He added. He put his hand behind his back and signalled toKate to hurry up as she stuffed cherry flavored air-heads in her pocket. She carefully pulled out each box and tipped them over in her hoodie pockets.

“What do you want from me?” The lady became impatient. She tapped her foot and crossed her arms and Amato knew they were running out of time.

That was when it happened, Kate grabbed Amato’s arm and they immediately rushed to the door. The alarm went off and the manager jumped over the desk and started to chase after them out the door.

They were frantically running as the women women -> woman was chasing them. Kate's legs pounded against the cement as tears set in the corners of her eyes from the wind whipping in her face.

“You stupid kids! Come back now or I will call the police!” The manager screamed running out of breath.

“Run! Run Kate! Run!”, bad comma Amato exclaimed.

Kate ran so fast she felt her legs begin to shake. The air-heads she stole began the fly out of her pocket, one by one, she could hear all that she worked for just slowly drop against the ground where it did not belong. She past a row of trees and began to run through a wide road.

That is when it hit her.. And it wasn’t a thought.. It was a red pick-up truck. all those “...” could just be one full stop! A huge pain had come over her hips.

“KAAAATEE!” She heard Amato cry out.

Everything went black…

Things to point out
There's a few things you did more than once. So:
...
You put these in all over the place (although sometimes you only use two dots which is even worse!) You don't need these very often really, only use them when a sentence is sort of running off in a different direction or pausing and continuing in a different way. Don't just throw them in when you're thinking or when the voice of the story sort of pauses, a full stop or a comma does that just as well.

Speech
You do this a lot:
"Come back!", She shouted
There's a couple problems with that. You did a comma after the speech marks which NEVER happens, especially seeing as there is already an exclamation mark. Also you capitalise the "She" said. You can do that only if it isn't a continuation of the sentence. You should look up how to do it right on the internet =] it's helpful.

Speech marks
You use them really inappropriately. You don't need speech marks around every word that isn't quite obvious. Id only use them if it was a quote of someone else or something you really wanted to highlight.

Overall
I like your dialogue the best, it's all very realistic and not silly. That's great. Your characters are pretty interesting, and the story moves along quickly but not too quickly. I like the cliffhanger at the end too =] you have a good idea and I'm actually looking forward to doing the next chapter so yay. I think if you fixed up your style a bit this could be great.

If you have any questions just ask me =]

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 8:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

“Not if we just take it.”
if you said instead "We could just take it."
that would make more sense in that sentence.

Amato was Kate's friend since 4th grade.
you should say "Amato had been Kate's friend since 4th grade"

Kate couldn’t help think about the first time she ever stole something.
instead you should write "Kate couldn't help but think about the first time she ever stole something." or "Kate couldn't help not to think about the first time she ever stole something." it just sounds like it needs another word there.

as her grandmas quickly let go, and picked up the box in "awe".
grandma shouldnt be plural.

during the flashback as she was a little girl, when the store employee caught her stealing, what happened to the grandma? where did she go because she didnt say anything about Kate stealing.

A small, Asian woman wearing a load or make-up peeked over and seemed excited to finally have customers.
add a coma after small.

“So, do the jalapeño chips actually taste like jalapeño?” He tried to distract

"he tried to distract her." thats what it should say

overall though, it was well written and had a nice story line.
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