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Ygaron
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 Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:01 am Post subject: Hope |
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Hope
Wall to wall,
Trapped inside a cage!
There you will find me.
A captive of a thing called life!
Seek me out.
Tell me why.
How can it be?
Life has turned against me!
Wall to wall;
There you will find my spirits in shackles!
why has life turned against me?
What is this light,
That sets me free?
The key to the bondage of life!
It's a thing called hope!
It knows no sorrow!
Wall to wall!
That's where I was!
Now I'm free!
The voice of truth
Tells me that I am not alone!
I see the heavens open up!
The sun shines down!
My shackles lay at my feet!
Wall to wall!
There you cannot find me!
Hope has freed me! |
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Last edited by Ygaron on Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:57 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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just to let you know, there is a song by Chris Brown called Wall To Wall, so, yeah.
i liked this, though i'm not sure that the repetition of Wall To Wall would be particularly good in a song....
do you have a tune for it yet? if so, is the phrase wall to wall different each time?
because it would make a difference.
-GC10 |
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Kyte
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:26 pm Post subject: |
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First up, I think you don't need so many exclamation marks. There are ways to show excitement without 'em.
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| There you will my spirit in shackles. |
You left out a verb. And agin, you could try getting rid of the !
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| why has life turned against me? |
Forgot the cap there.
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What is this light?
That sets me free? |
Both of those are the same question, so you need one mark after 'free.' Again here:
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| The voice of truth! Tells me that I am not alone! |
Hope my nitpicking helps, bro. |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:07 am Post subject: Re: Hope |
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| Ygaron wrote: |
Wall to wall,
Trapped inside a cage!
There you will find me.
A captive of a thing called life!
Seek me out.
Tell me why.
How can it be?
Life has turned against me! |
This is a good opening =] I dont like the exclamation marks either, just get rid of them. It makes it sound like a kind of joke rather than a serious sad sort of thing.
| Ygaron wrote: |
Wall to wall;
There you will find my spirits in shackles!
why has life turned against me?
What is this light,
That sets me free?
The key to the bondage of life!
It's a thing called hope!
It knows no sorrow! |
! again.
Capital W on why.
| Ygaron wrote: |
Wall to wall!
That's where I was!
Now I'm free!
The voice of truth
Tells me that I am not alone!
I see the heavens open up!
The sun shines down!
My shackles lay at my feet! |
I don't think I get the repetition of "wall to wall" - it doesn't seem to make much sense in this poem. Wall to wall, that's where I was...wall to wall where?
I like the last part of this though, the image of light coming down to free someone is nice.
| Ygaron wrote: |
Wall to wall!
There you cannot find me!
Hope has freed me! |
Nice ending.
I think if you fixed your punctuation this would be a nice simple poem. I like how you show hope as a light, that's a good way to describe it. |
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alwaysawriter
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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Like the people before me said, not as many exclaimation points. Other than that, everyone got everything and I liked it.  |
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JesusFreak
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 5:54 am Post subject: |
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| That was really good. I would definitely listen to this song if it were on the radio. |
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