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One Year On.
One Year On.

by Alainna in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on July 11, 2008
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Paranoia, Ch.1

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:15 am    Post subject: Paranoia, Ch.1 Reply with quote

Last night I had a dream about reality.

It was such a relief to wake up.

Stanislaw J. Lem

1

The page crinkled between Will's fingers as he waited for the sound of the last bell of the year. Just a few more minutes, and summer vacation would be upon them—and not just any summer vacation. It was the summer vacation of their fifteenth year. Will had remembered his brother talking about how much fun he'd had his fifteenth year: he and his best friend had even gone to the Lake without getting caught (or so they said). This was a feat that impressed even adults, so Will knew he'd have to do it, too, or else he'd be the little brother nobody remembered, and that was not happening.

The bell suddenly chirped in their ears and the seat straps fell limp around their bodies as the underground machine heaved with a gigantic sigh. Will quickly jumped to his feet, untangling his arms from the straps, and pushed his notebooks into his backpack before slinging it across his shoulder and racing to the door. He stood, tapping his foot impatiently, as the scanner slid down the doorframe, gauging his health and verifying identity, before opening to let him dart out into the bustling hall. He stood on the tips of his toes to peer over other students until he spotted Tok walking towards him. He pushed through the small crowds of students that were slowly melting together to form louder, chatty globs that made passage through the hallway nearly impossible.

"Hey," Tok said in his deep voice. Tok's voice had recently changed from the high-pitched whine most boys had to a deeper, man-like voice, and he had grown taller, too. Will hadn't thought much of it until his own voice had begun to change, but his was not getting deeper. Will's voice had become higher-pitched, and he secretly worried it would never be as deep as Tok's. His father had told him that it was normal for his voice to get higher before getting deeper, but Will had his suspicions. Adults weren't always trustworthy, after all.

"Tok!" Will said, slightly cringing at how other people must have heard him. "Has the reader finished?"

They looked up at the smoky glass ceiling, but its pale gray etching didn't indicate one way or the other. Tok shook his head uncertainly, and they forged through the mass of other students until they came to a small opening. The noise from the students was gradually getting louder and louder, echoing off the walls, when the entire ceiling flashed bright blue.

"Ah," Tok said, looking down at Will. "There we are." The clicking sound from the hundreds of readers embedded in the ceiling quickly overpowered the students' chatter until it was the only audible noise in the entire school. Finally, with the groan of the last gears, the ceiling resumed its normal coloring and the doors flew open. Tok and Will stood in place as other students filed past them.

"What time is Alex going to be home?" Will asked loudly.

Tok shook his head again, staring at one of the girls as she walked by them.

"Hey!" Will said, hitting Tok's forearm with his hand. Tok tore his eyes away from the girl and looked around them again.

"Uh-oh…" he said slowly.

Will turned around and saw it: at the end of the hall was a Sweeper. "Who let them out so soon?"

The Sweeper was a tall, monstrous machine roughly composed of a system of gears, pulleys, and small engines that was used to remove people from places they shouldn't be. Its front had what appeared to be a mouth made of dark, coarse bristles, like the end of a broom, and two optic sensors above that that let it "see" the rooms it was to sweep. It made a terrible screeching noise as it wheels slipped along the floor, and it released a burst of steam from one of its eyes. The children started moving very rapidly towards the open doors.

Will didn't know what happened if you got caught in the Sweeper's bristles, but he had always heard stories about people who—

"Will, let's go," Tok said, pulling on Will's arm.

Will and Tok emerged from the school relatively unscathed. One girl, who Will didn't recognize, had scratched the back of his neck while waving her notebook in the air, but he was more worried about the Sweeper than the girl. Once out of the building, they noticed that it was raining outside. Thankfully, though, the glass that canopied the streets of New Paris kept everyone safe and dry.

"So what do you wanna do?" Will asked as several more students shuffled past them.

Tok shrugged, as usual, and pointed down London Way.

"The park?" Will asked incredulously, shaking his head. "We go there all the time! Now that we're free men, we have to do something cool and—!"

"Hi, Mr. Caromill," Tok said, nodding his head. Will wheeled around and saw the manager of the school strolling past them.

"Hi there, boys." He tipped his hat and almost continued walking, but then he stopped and looked them over. "Do you two have any plans for this summer?"

"Something awesome!" Will said, nodding enthusiastically.

Tok shrugged quietly, slightly embarrassed.

Mr. Caromill smiled at Will and looked over to Tok. "Have you already been feeling it?"

Tok nodded slowly and swallowed. Will looked at him, unsure what to say.

"Well," Mr. Caromill said loudly, as though he were about to announce something, "it'll be good for you two to see what life is like for the others. Then you can really appreciate the value of it here in New Paris." And with that, Mr. Caromill tipped his hat again and continued on his way down the street.

They watched him for a moment before turning and walking down London Way. Will glanced up at Tok, who had been quieter than usual for the past week. "So…" Will said, watching his feet touch the cobblestones on the walkway. "You can feel it already?"

Tok shrugged and nodded simultaneously. Will knew this meant he didn't want to talk, but his curiosity compelled him to ask again.

"What's it like?" he said eagerly. "Do you feel all tingly and unhappy?"

"I guess," Tok responded. "It's just different. It's not like how it used to feel."

Will furrowed his brow, unsatisfied with this description, but they were already approaching the park, and he hadn't wanted to go there, so he stopped walking. Tok noticed and stopped, too.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I don't want to go to the park," Will said again. They had been to the park most every day for the past two months. The calm, blue water of the pond and the light fluff of green grass was a nice change from the mechanical city, but he was getting tired of it. It wasn't that the park was boring; it was just different, and even though they had gone there religiously, it never helped to assuage the feeling of strangeness.

Tok sighed. "Where do you want to go?"

"Have you seen Alex recently?"

"Not since she moved," Tok replied, perking up a little. "But we can't go there," he said, suddenly relapsing into his quiet demure.

Will grinned and looked around for anyone who might recognize them. "Let's go anyway."

"What?" Tok asked, shaking his head. "What if we get caught?"

"We won't!"

"Will," Tok said, exasperated. "The city is watching us! It'll see us go right through the gates, and then we'll get put in isolation."

"Not if we can find something to cover us." Will looked down the street to an approaching horse-drawn cart. Behind it, covered by a blanket, were probably fruits and vegetables from the outside world.

"No way," Tok said. "It's too risky, and I don't want to lose my fifteenth summer in a cell!"

"Come on," Will pleaded with him, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him down the street. "Please, Tok? Please? It'll be fun, and you know you want to see Alex."

"Ugh," Tok shook his head. "I guess. But if we get in trouble…"

Will looked behind the fruit cart and saw an Officer patrolling the area.

"Just follow my lead," Will said. He quickly jerked his head up and leaned around Tok's body, then lowered his voice to almost a whisper and said, "Run."

Will bolted off down the street, past the fruit cart, with a bewildered Tok following close behind him. "Officer!" Will shouted, "Officer!"

It looked over at him, its single red optic eye examining him for any damages.

"There's a girl down that street, she needs help! She was going into an alley!"

The Officer, which was made to be in the shape of a man's body, quickly nodded and started running towards London Way. Tok looked over at Will and asked, "Now what?"

Will pointed to the fruit cart, which was several paces in front of them, before stealthily walking up behind it so the driver wouldn't notice. His hand deftly slipped underneath the blanket and retrieved an apple. He motioned to Tok to walk around the side so that the driver could see him, and then Will walked up alongside him.

"Hey!" Will called. "Hey!" He jogged up alongside the driver and showed him the apple. "I think you dropped, um…this, sir."

"Huh," the driver grunted. He didn't seem very concerned about the missing fruit, and certainly didn't slow the horses down for it, either.

"I can put it back it if you like."

The driver shook his head. "Whatever you want, kid, but I'm not stopping this cart."

Will nodded, trying to suppress his grin, and walked to the back of the cart. He had been counting on the driver's unhappiness to use to his advantage. If there was one thing school had taught him, it was that unhappiness—which proliferated in life outside New Paris and without the Drug—made one easily susceptible to all sorts of manipulation. "Come on," he said quietly, motioning to Tok. The two quickly lifted the blanket and dived into a pile of fruit. Thanks to the uneven footfall of the horses, the driver didn't even seem to notice the sudden shift in weight.

"Ow," Tok said, scrambling to get his feet under the blanket before an Officer noticed. He rubbed his elbow, which had bashed against a hard cantaloupe, and gently rolled on his back, careful not to smush any grapes or tomatoes.

Will had already rolled over and braced his feet against the wooden plank that held the produce in the cart. He took a breath of the fruity air and choked a little at its unexpected ripeness. The covering blanket seemed also to reek with the aroma, and Will noticed Tok also struggling to rediscover normal air. Tok pushed the blanket up on one side so as not to reveal himself but to let a fresh airflow into the cart. Will took a deep breath before Tok dropped it, having spotted an Officer.

They lay in the fruit and the sound of the horses and the other's breathing for a long while before the driver approached the gate to the West Quarter.

"Halt," an Officer said.

"What business do you have in the West Quarter?" another one asked, maybe, from the opposite side of the cart.

Will wasn't sure if the same Officer had spoken or another. Without seeing, it was hard to tell because the design of the Officers was to make them identical to one another. The only way you could tell them apart was to look at their badge numbers, and from beneath the heavy blanket, that was impossible to do.

The driver grunted out his reasons for passage when the Officer said: "Sir, have you seen two young boys? They went missing around London Way. It seems they may have disappeared into your cart." Tok shot a worried glance at Will.

"Nah," the driver said obnoxiously. "Ain't seen no boys today, and ain't none gotten in my cart. Not today, not ever. Now let me pass ya stupid metal scrap."

"Would you mind if I checked your cart with my own eyes?"

"Ya ain't got no eyes," the driver scoffed. "Look, I know if two boys done crawled up in my cart, alright? If theys was in there, I'd know about it. I only been driving these things for twenty years now—don't ya think I'd know the difference?"

The driver suddenly went out of earshot as he apparently walked up to the gate. Will scooted along some apples and leaned over to Tok. "See? He's got our—."

"Sh," Tok scolded quietly.

"Hmph." Will scooted away and didn't look at Tok again. Will had noticed Tok had been less…normal, lately. He was confrontational and unnatural. Will wondered if that's how people were outside of New Paris: moody, argumentative, unhappy, and, thinking of how Tok had recently been acting, he was very glad to have been born to New Parisians instead. Will strained his ear trying to hear the rest of the conversation outside, but suddenly the sound of pistons squeaking to life and the slow opening of the wooden gate signaled the driver had won and unwittingly smuggled them into West Quarter.

They both rocked atop the fruit as he resumed his position at the helm of the cart, falling more than sitting into the worn leather seat. They continued rocking back and forth as they were transported across city lines and finally heard the sound of the gate closing back on itself.

Will had only been to other quarters when he was very young, but ever since The First Wave had arrived, inter-city traveling had been outlawed. The First Wave was a terrorist cell within New Paris that had been responsible for the only act of aggression to ever occur within the city limits. The location and identities of the cell members remained unknown even to this day, and how terrorists had even entered the city in the first place was a mystery: in order to commit an act of aggression, one would have had to have not taken the Drug, but if the glass ceiling identified someone as not having the Drug, they were immediately escorted from town. So this meant that those in The First Wave did have the Drug, which didn't make any sense, either. If you had the Drug, your suffering and need to express your suffering were alleviated. Will couldn't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to take it, but then, he supposed, there were still people who believed the lies of history….

Tok poked Will and pointed out the side of his blanket, which he was once again propping up. The West Quarter was very much different from Central District—Will could see that immediately. Central District was also known as the Arcades Project: a series of interior boulevards and ways: glass-covered, cobble-stoned walkways that sprawled from block to block and protected its inhabitants from the harsh elements and the pathogens of the outside world. West Quarter, for the most part, followed this pattern; however, as it was at the limit of New Paris, it also had the gates that opened out into the other world. Beyond those gates, the city could no longer offer its protection, and anyone who stepped outside them lost the effects of the Drug.

This passage into the other world meant that, unlike Central, there was also a slight difference in the quality of the air. Every time those gates opened, a gust of outside air came in and thinned the New Paris air, making it harder to feel as though one had just gotten their breath. Will and Tok both quickly adjusted, however, because soon they saw exactly who they were looking for: standing at the brightly illuminated bar of an outdoor café was Alex.

She was very different than when Will had lost seen her. She had grown several inches, and her white-blond hair had grown itself to right between her shoulder blades, but there was no mistaking her laughter. Will nodded to Tok. "We need to jump off."

"Here?" Tok asked, unsure. "There are too many people, Will. They'll see us!"

Will frowned and quickly moved to his side of the cart, peering out the side. "Okay," he said, thinking about what to do. "We need to just get off of here at the next best time."

Tok rolled his eyes. "When will that be, Will?"

"I don't know," Will shook his head, not appreciating Tok's tone of voice. "Just keep looking out and see if you can see anyone."

Tok sighed and peered back out from the blanket. After a right turn, a left turn and a long ways, they finally could not see anyone around.

"Have you seen any Officers?" Tok asked uncertainly.

"Nuh-uh," Will said. "That's weird." They both watched for several more seconds before Will asked, "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," Tok nodded. "I guess. Do you think it's going to hurt…?"

"Nah. Why would it...?"

They both glanced at one another, shrugging, before they started sliding down the pile of mangos and watermelons towards the back of the cart. "On the count of three," Will said quietly, but then, as though something had just struck him: "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"We don't have a choice!" Tok exclaimed. "This cart is going right to the outside world if we don't get off it now."

"Okay…" Will said slowly and took deep breath. "Ready? One…two…three!"

Both boys threw the blanket up over their heads and leapt from the cart, landing hard on the cobbled street and rolling many feet before coming to rest.

"Ow," Tok said.

They both lay there for several minutes in a mixture of confusion at what had just happened and how they'd ended up here, and fear that an Officer had spotted them leaping. But no one came to see what was the matter. That must have been another difference between her and Central: Officers weren't stationed on every way. Will wondered why that was as he picked himself up from the ground. He had a scrape along his arm and some blood on the back of his palm, but nothing that hurt. Tok seemed to be having more trouble standing, but finally did.

"Do you remember the way?" Will asked.

"We just go and then turn right and then left," Tok said. "Right?"

"I thought it was left and then right."

"It doesn't matter." Tok shook his head. "It all ends up the same anyway."

"Hmm," Will said. "I suppose you're right."

"Of course I am."

The two started walking down the street until they came to the empty intersection where they made a right, and then to a very crowded intersection where they made a left. They passed several cafés that had been set up along the avenue, but none of them had the sound of Alex's laugh or the light of her hair, so they kept walking until finally they spotted her, about to leave with a cup of steam water in her hands. As she turned and walked directly towards them, Will noticed she hadn't only grown taller, but…bigger, as well.

"Tok? Will?" she said, freezing mid-stride and causing a young man to bump into her. She let out a slight groan as she tilted forward, careful not to spill the water, and regained her balance. "Pardon me—?" She turned around to see the man, but he wasn't there. She turned back to Will and Tok, shrugging. "That was weird. But…oh my gosh, how did you two get here!?"

Will and Tok glanced at each other before shaking their heads.

Alex put her hand to her mouth with an equally worried and mischievous grin. "You didn't!" She watched them for a moment before nodding and laughing. "You did!"

They nodded too, smiles working their way along their faces.

"Well," she said quickly. "Come along, we need to get back to the house before an Officer…or worse…spots you." She briskly walked ahead of them, motioning them along with her free hand.

In contrast to Central District, the West Quarter was more "open," as Will's father had said. Buildings were not the same six-story height uniformly, but varied erratically from one building to the next, and about half didn't even connect with the buildings beside it. Will's father had told him the other parts of the city were less well-to-do, but he hadn't realized the discrepancy would be so observable!

A manhole in the middle of the way suddenly blew hot air up in front of Will, and he almost walked into it had it not been for Tok pulling him to the side.

"Oh, yeah," Alex said disappointedly. "I forgot to mention to watch out for those. Once I heard they almost burned a man's entire body."

"Oooh," Will cooed and glanced back at the small hole, fascinated at the damage it could inflict.

They were now well away from the populated hub they had met Alex in and approaching a large stone wall. Will marveled at it, wondering what things it kept out. Alex walked up the steps to one of the older buildings and knocked four times. A metal slat rattled midway up the door before snapping back into the frame and revealing an optic scanner. It moved slowly from Alex's right eye to her left before chirping and the locks on the door being depressurized. She pushed it open and motioned them inside.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 1:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"I can put it back it if you like."


Quote:
The driver grunted out his reasons for passage when the Officer said: "Sir, have you seen two young boys? They went missing around London Way. It seems they may have disappeared into your cart."

Dang, those things are observant. Shocked

Quote:
Ain't seen no boys today, and ain't none gotten in my cart. Not today, not ever.[/b] Now let me pass ya stupid metal scrap."

The bolded line sounds kind of cartoonish.

Quote:
She was very different than when Will had[b] lost seen her

Typo. *points*

Overall, I love this story. I can think of no nitpicks or qualms I have with it, and though I had questions about things I was never confused about anything.

This is just wonderful, and I hope you have more/will post more. I love the world you've created here. C:

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 5:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Brad!

Grammar and First Impressions

Quote:
...or else he'd be the little brother nobody remembered, and that was not happening.


This was cute. xD

Quote:
Adults weren't always trustworthy, after all.


Awesome. XD

Quote:
...and two optic sensors above that that which let it "see" the rooms it was to sweep.


Quote:
"I can put it back it if you like."


Quote:
They lay in the fruit and the sound of the horses and the other's breathing for a long while before the driver approached the gate to the West Quarter.


They lay in the fruit. That makes sense, but the rest of the underlined portion doesn't to me. A slight rewrite of it should do the trick. ^^

Quote:
She was very different than when Will had lost seen her.


Lost: No longer to be found
Last: Most recent; latest Very Happy

Quote:
"Ow," Tok said.


Excellent. XD

Quote:
That must have been another difference between her and Central:


Her: Objective case of she
Here: This place; this spot Razz

Quote:
They were now well away from the populated hub they had met Alex in and approaching approached a large stone wall.


Overall

This was excellent!

You're probably already realizing how useless I'm going to be right now. XD I love this story. Your imagery is so wonderful described and easy to picture, and the society is so unique and interesting to read about. Very creative, 'course I'm one of those geeks. XD

I wish I had something specific to nit-pick. The three kiddos were well-introduced, each being different and unique to the others, and the robots were awesomely represented as.. well, robots. Laughing This was fantastic, and I can't wait to read more. ^_^

Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 8:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was awesome! At first when I looked at it I was thinking about how long it was but then...it ended so soon. Sad I need more! You've got many...elements in this story that I don't understand (not meant to understand just yet) reminds me of Ch. how it introduces all of these things that no one knows but then slowly reveals what they are in time. I like Smile. Now hurry up and write the next one so I can find out! ...Please. Smile

P.S. mostly looking foreward to finding out what this "feeling" implies and also what The Drug is. Already action and robot things and sneakiness just in the beginning. Can't wait the second post.

~Rieda

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 12:55 am    Post subject: Re: Paranoia, Ch.1 Reply with quote

I would only change your choice of words in some areas of this piece. Other than that I thought the overall product came out nice. Also, watch your grammer spelling...but I guess you can edit through all that on your own.
The underlined words are those which I think should be changed...just my opinion, no hard feelings...please don't hate me =P
It was really only the first paragraph that caught my attention as a major errorized spot...haha, errorized. Well anywho, keep up the great work! I hope to see more of what you got dude!

Quote:
Just a few more minutes, and summer vacation would be upon Will and his classmates? themIt wasn't just any summer vacation; it was the summer vacation of their fifteenth year. Will had remembered his brother talking about how much fun he had his fifteenth year. He told Will how he and his best friend even managed to sneak over to the Lake without getting caught, but it's still unknown whether or not that actually happened.


The last sentence is only a sugestion...I would just use somthing other than parenthesis...

Quote:
The bell suddenly chirped in their ears and the seat straps fell limp around their bodies as the underground machine heaved with a gigantic sigh.

"Tok!" Will said, slightly cringing at how other people must have heard him. "Has the reader finished?"


Will and Tok emerged from the school relatively sp(unscathed).
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 3:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is excellent! When I read the first sentence, I thought it was in the present-day at a normal school, but as I kept reading, I found it was certainly not what I expected! You did a wonderful job at describing the robots without just saying, "There was a robot." You also gave just enough information that we know something is very different about this setting and can, for the most part, understand it, but still left some to be revealed. I want to read more!

I can't find many things wrong that haven't already been addressed. However, there is one little thing:

Quote:
She had grown several inches, and her white-blonde hair had grown itself to right between her shoulder blades, but there was no mistaking her laughter.


I don't think you need to put the bolded word. You could just say, "Her white-blonde hair had grown to right between her shoulder blades." I also changed "blond" to "blonde," because it's feminine when it has an "e" and masculine without it.

Overall, I am really loving this story. I cannot wait to read more!
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 3:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Buh-rad!

You know how much I love Will--even though it's just the beginning of the story, I can tell why you chose him as the narrator. He's not overbearing enough to dissuade me from checking out his world, but he's not too much of a doormat that I don't care about him. He's the perfect observer, and I like him from the first paragraph.

New Paris is also a cool character in itself. With the Sweepers and the canopied streets, you managed to do the intangible futuristic utopia without making it cartoonish or simply a copy of 1984, the Twilight Zone, etc. That's a feat in itself, especially when you're writing for kids.

Minxtique?

DIALOGUE YOGA

I know, I know, I whine about dialogue all the time. But you've proven to me with Foreign Markets that you can write dialogue that is flexible and flows well, so I have proof if you whine. *pets*

The thing that bugs me about children's lit, usually, is the fact that the dialogue is stiff--and not that kind of stiff. It's joyless, and formal, which is weird because kids are terrible butchers of the English language, and yet they create most of the new words and slang. In a way, it's exuberance that allows the language to grow, and that's something that "grown-ups" don't portray quite the right way.

A few basic tips for revision:

- Omit words, especially helping verbs. "Have the readers started?" = "The readers started yet?"

- It helps dialogue flow if not every exchange has an action or a tag to go with it. Shrugging, pointing, etc. happens an unnatural amount in Will/Tok exchanges. If they're especially animated, mention it, but animated conversations often lend themselves to going quickly between speakers.

- You don't have to be grammatically correct. Save your pretty sentences for the narration--since your narration is kind of heavy and obviously "adult", the contrast between the narration and the dialogue will help your characters pop out even more. This contrast is important in character development, as well as just setting the mood for exchanges.

GUESS WHAT?!

Especially at the beginning, where Will is reading, you throw in the description of the New Paris technology when it goes haywire, and not when it's a part of the scenery. If he's belted to his seat, it's easier to envision the straps falling off if we know they were there in the first place. Otherwise, I'm envisioning basic-suburban-desks, when really it's a complex system that could have its own book.

Establishing a setting--even if it's just a passing reference to shapes and colors--helps to clarify what's going on, especially when you're using a setting that no one has ever seen.

__

See? I get to things...eventually.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Everyone covered everything. Good story, good job. Smile

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EsquaLeema   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

15
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 14 Jul 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 15
Country: Australia
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 12:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think I'm already excited to read the next part (which may already be up, I haven't checked). A few things I noted though were -


Just a few more minutes, and summer vacation would be upon them—and not just any summer vacation. "and not just any summer vacation" sounds way too cliche. Change it, or leave it out.

there were still people who believed the lies of history…. Heh. Sounds like typical humans (if they are that... hmm...) to me =D Love it.

"We just go and then turn right and then left," Tok said. "Right?" You're missing something after "We just go" I'm not sure if it's "up here, down there" but somethings missing from after those words.

Now I'm off to check for more!
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This thread was created on July 11, 2008

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