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	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 10, 2008

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Chapter 2-The City

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Derek
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Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 6:43 pm Post subject: Chapter 2-The City

Disturbia Chapter 2 The Girl Misery is a woe, happiness an experiment. Tragedy may strike, and events will occur. Only the strong can survive, in this world. The weak will fall to temptations. Darkness will overcome them. Their feelings unravel. There true intentions expressed. In this tangle of lies, where might the truth hide? ________________________________________________________________________________________________ Leblanc, a city made of gold. A city where the rich live and the poor beg. Huge golden gates awaited him as he approached the golden city. His clothes damp and his equipment ruined, except for his sword. He could have easily been mistaken for beggar, and if they asked him, he probably wouldn’t disagree with them. Once he had finally arrived at the gate the guards walked up to him. “What is your business here beggar?” He looked the guard right in the eyes. What could he say to him? Hello I am the new king of Elismary? He doubted they would believe that, he could barley believe it himself. “I am just here to stay in an in; I’m just passing through.” The guards laughed. “What makes you think you can afford an inn? You can barely afford clothes!” The boy snorted, and took out the king’s insignia from his pocket. “Here, now can I come in?” The guards gasped. “Where did you get that?” They demanded. “I got it from my father, King Bursoda the 7th, Ruler of Elismary.” The guards rushed to open the gates for the young prince. Little did they know he was the new the king of Elismary. He entered the buzzing marketplace, almost being hit by a cabbage cart. “Sorry!” The girl said as she continued to run off into the city. The boy dragged himself into a nearby inn, and bought himself a room for the night. “Hmm, what should I do tomorrow?” He said to himself as he laid on his bed. “Maybe it would be wise to visit King Caliban, and tell him of my father’s death…” He rolled over and looked out his window, he could see so many people running around outside. So many lives, so many dreams, Leblanc was a place of dreams. He decided he would pay the king a visit, and drifted off to sleep. ______________________________________________________________________________________________ The sound of a banging awoke him. He sat up in this bed, staring at the door to his room. “Open this door!” A man screamed. The boy paused for a moment, rubbing his dark brown eyes and fixing his messy bed head. “Geez can’t a prince get a little privacy?” He muttered under his breath as he headed for the door. Once there he opened the door and a man tumbled in the room. He stood up quickly and slammed the door shut. He glared at the boy and shouted into his face. “Think you took long enough! I was almost killed!” His breath smelled of rotted onions and something else, though he’d rather not know. His clothes were slightly torn, and had blood stains all over. His hair was blond and messy, could easily be mistaken for a murderous hobo. “A simple thank you would have sufficed.” He said in a smart-elik tone. “Why you smug little…..” The man stomped around the room to control his anger. “Now don’t get your pampers in a bunch. Why were you being chased?” “A women was murdered in the marketplace, I was nearby so they decided to blame me.” He grunted. “I can see that happening.” The man stood up and got in the boy’s face. Rhodri pushed him back away from him. “What’s your name?” “Osane” The man said proudly. “I’m Rhodri, nice to meet you.” He gestured to shake hands, but Osane turned away. “Well you should probably get out of my room now. I have to head for Gidlen Castle.” Osane laughed. “Why are you laughing…?” Rhodri said. “You’re not going to get into Gidlen Castle, Invite only dude!” “Oh right there is no way that the Prince of Elismary is going to get into that castle.” He said sarcastically. Osane paused. “You’re prince of Elismary?” He said confused. “Yup.” Rhodri responded. Osane scratched his head. “What the heck is Elismary?” Rhodri’s eye’s shot open. “What do you mean? How can you not know what Elismary is?” “School is for idiots.”Osane said. Rhodri shrugs. “Oh yes that explains everything doesn’t it.” He said sarcastically once again. Rhodri walked over to his bed and picked up his sword, and put on his boots. “Well you can stay here; I’m going to Gidlen Castle.” Rhodri headed for the door, Osane didn’t follow. _______________________________________________________________________________________________ Rhodri exited the inn and walked into the marketplace. “freak.” He said to himself. He looked around to see if he could spot Gidlen Castle. In the south of the town a large castle stood towering over the marketplace. Golden plated all on the outside, guards surrounding it, wearing golden armor. “This is stupid.” He thought. “Showing off, by having everything golden; i can’t wait to meet King Caliban.” He continued on his way to the castle. The marketplace was the most famous thing about Leblanc, other than the giant golden castle. Strange, he imagined rich people gathered around shop’s buying till their hearts content. Instead there were numerous amounts of beggars. Why would beggars be in a marketplace in a golden city? Not only that, many children roamed the streets, all of them as happy as could be. The beggars seamed to always be happy as well. How strange, living as a poor peasant and still so happy. He had finally reached the castle gates. As expected the gate was golden, and huge. Guards approached him once again. “Halt!” The guard demanded. “Um, I’m not moving?” Rhodri responded with an attitude. The guard scoffed. “State your business!” The second guard said. “My name is Rhodri, I am the Prince of Elismary, and I wish to speak to King Caliban on some urgent matters.” The guards expressions were astonished. “Benny, go report to Captain Maestros!” Benny quickly opened the gate with a large lever on the left side of the gate, and ran inside as it opened. The gate closed behind him. “What are you not letting me in?” The guard stared at him. Not even for a second did he let his eyes leave Rhodri’s. “Did you not hear me the first time? I am the prince of Elismary, I wish to speak to King Caliban.” The guard said nothing, he just stared. Rhodri’s grew impatient and his eyes became angry. “What in the world is going on here? Why isn’t he letting me in, let alone staring at me like that?” The gates opened once more. Many guards wearing the same golden armor, but this time with a large lion crest on the front of there chest plates. In groups of 2, marching one right after the other, they made there way outside. Rhodri was forced to back up, they were not halting there advance. A large black horse was at the end of the line, a man sat atop it. His head was covered with a golden helmet, his armor matching that of his men. The only difference was the black outline on the edges of his armor. His face was rough, his eyes a dark brown. The soldiers stopped suddenly. The man looked down at Rhodri. “So you say you’re the prince of Elismary?” His voice was deep and quiet frightening. “Yes i am, why am i forced to wait to meet King Caliban?” “He has been expecting you, and requested you receive a proper entrance.” Rhodri looked confused. “Expecting me? Why would he be expecting me?” “Come, I will take you to King Caliban.” The guards from before walked around the large horse and back into the castle gates. The man followed him. Rhodri walked beside the horse, keeping a safe distance. “My name is Christopher Maestros, but i am called Captain Maestros.” “Oh, nice to meet you, I am...” “Yes i know who you are” He glared at Rhodri. Rhodri was beginning to think coming to Leblanc wasn’t such a good idea.
Last edited by Derek on Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:41 am; edited 1 time in total

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Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 11:42 pm Post subject:

Quote:

“A women was murdered in the marketplace, I was nearby so they decided to blame me.” He grunted.

women is the plural, so (unless you mean a two or more women were murdered) its woman

Quote:

“Well you should probably get out of my room now.

I have to head for Gidlen Castle.” Osane laughed.

a question: why is it spaced like that? was it on purpose (if so ignore me), or if when you wrote it and then copy and pasted it that's how it came up? there's a few like that in there

i was thinking as i read, why does he act like a smart-ass commoner if he's a prince? if thats explained in the previous chapter just tell me to shut up Razz

very good read though, look forward to reading more.

ps: dont forget to put lone i's in capitals

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Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 1:28 am Post subject:

Well since a lot of people who haven't read the 2nd chapter might crit this. He isn't wearing formal clothes, they were wet and damp and was forced to change. Also Leblanc is very far from Elismary, and not a lot of people know what Prince Rhodri looks like. His father had died in the last chapter so he would be "king" he is just trying to blend in for now. Also i don't understand what you mean about the spacing o.o. And yes i know, no word processor will correct miscapitalized(not a word XD) I's >.>. It angers me ><.
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Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: lost...

First, of all I really didn't get this. Second, of all you completely stole a title that was already taken. If you want to base it off that "Disturbia" movie then maybe you should right in fan fiction and your conversations were held wa-a-a-a-y to long you have to put some more detaisl in there so those people can picture them while they are talking. i hate when people just keep talking back and forth. try to update it
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Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 5:37 am Post subject:

It's not a fan-fiction? I didn't steal the movie title. First off it's nothing like the movie :/ Second there is no book called Disturbia so legally i can publish it. If you didn't get it, thats cause it's chapter 2, you would have to read chapter 1 first :/
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 3:32 pm Post subject:

I think the above critiquer was a little harsh but I kind of see a few things they mentioned. The dialogue does seem a bit back and forth without enough discription for us to really picture what's going on. No bodylanguage, expressions, etc. Try to be as descriptive as possible, you can see it clearly in your head because you wrote it but we can't so try to beef that up a bit. Also, the dialogue seems a touch...unrealistic as points. I get the sense that this is more 'historical' fantasy (with Kings, and Inns/taverns, etc) so such word usages as 'dude' and 'pampers' would not have been used. It seems to clash too strongly with the time period for this piece. And perhaps you didn't 'steal' the title "Disturbia" but since we all know it from the movie, when we start reading we expect to see something along hte lines of it. I would suggest a new title for the story - its true there is no book to my knowledge called as such, but just for origionality purposes and lack of confusion in future I would strongly recommend the change.

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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 3:37 pm Post subject:

Oh. One more thing. Why is this story written all in italics? And second, any thoughts Rhodri is having doesn't need to be in bold or have "quotation" marks around them since it is only in his head and not spoken verbally. Change the font setting to normal and keep the thoughts in italics and kill the bold font so the layout is in proper book format. It's a small pet peeve of mine but it makes your story harder to read with the format being so chaotic and distracting.

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Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:30 pm Post subject:

Quote:

King Bursoda the 7th, Ruler of Elismary

I think you need to spell out seventh.

Quote:

“Geez can’t a prince get a little privacy?”

Comma after geez.

Quote:

“Think you took long enough!

Maybe add a question mark before the exclaimation point.

Quote:

“Why you smug little…..”

Too many dots. An eclipse is only three dots.

Quote:

Why were you being chased?”

You missed a quotation mark.

Quote:

“Osane”

Period after his name.

Quote:

“Well you should probably get out of my room now.

I have to head for Gidlen Castle.” Osane laughed.

These lines should be in the same paragraph.

[/quote]“You’re not going to get into Gidlen Castle,

Quote:

Either a period or a semi-colon.

Oh right there is

Quote:

Comma after Oh and before There.

“Oh yes that explains everything doesn’t it.”

Quote:

Question mark.

Rhodri headed for the door, Osane didn’t follow.

Quote:

Instead of a comma, try And or But.

“freak.”

Quote:

Capitalize the F.

guards surrounding it, wearing golden armor.

Quote:

Maybe try All instead of a comma.

“This is stupid.”

Quote:

“Showing off, by having everything golden; i can’t wait to meet King Caliban.”

Quote:

There's no point for them to be in bold; regular text would work just fine. Capitalize the I after Can't.

Not only that, many children roamed the streets

Quote:

Try But.

I am the prince of Elismary

Quote:

Quotation mark in the beginning.

In groups of 2,

Quote:

Spell out two.

Rhodri was forced to back up, they were not halting there advance.

Quote:

Try Since and you used the wrong tense of there; its their.

“Yes i am, why am i forced to wait to meet King Caliban?”

Quote:

Capitalize I and try a semi-colon.

but i am called Captain Maestros.”

Quote:

Capitalize I.

“Yes i know who you are” [quote] Capitalize I and add a period.

Overall, I liked the story. Smile

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Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:47 am Post subject:

Going to do this a bit differently. Changes will be made in red, things that I want to make note of will be done in green. Very Happy

Derek wrote:

Leblanc, a city made of gold. A city where the rich live and the poor beg. Huge golden gates awaited him as he approached the golden city. His clothes damp and his equipment ruined, except for his sword, he could have easily been mistaken for beggar, and if they asked him, he probably wouldn’t disagree with them. Once he had finally arrived at the gate the guards walked up to him.

Nice beginning. Smile

You're growing fast. Your imagery is nice, and you do an okay job of smoothly bringing in the character without saying"This is Bob, he's a king and no one knows because it's a secret, and he's walking up to these gates now." It was nicely done.

But!

"His clothes damp and his equipment ruined, except for his sword." That's not a full sentence!

What about his clothes and equipment? If you put a 'were' after clothes, and a 'was' after equipment, then it would be able to stand on its own. As it is, it needs to lean on the next sentence and combine in order to be complete. Whichever one you choose, they both work fine, Smile

Derek wrote:

“What is your business here beggar?” He looked the guard right in the eyes. What could he say to him? Hello I am the new king of Elismary? He doubted they would believe that, he could barley believe it himself.

“I am just here to stay in an in; I’m just passing through.” The guards laughed.

“What makes you think you can afford an inn? You can barely afford clothes!” The boy snorted, and took out the king’s insignia from his pocket.

“Here, now can I come in?” The guards gasped.

“Where did you get that?” They demanded.

“I got it from my father, King Bursoda the 7th, Ruler of Elismary.” The guards rushed to open the gates for the young prince. Little did they know he was the new the king of Elismary. He entered the buzzing marketplace, almost being hit by a cabbage cart.

Red -- put it on the same line. Minor nit-pik, but still.

Green1 -- Bold for thoughts... I don't think that works too well. Traditionally, thoughts would be italicized. I've never seen bold thoughts before, so perhaps that's the reason it breaks my flow, but if you want to go your own route and put bold thoughts, go ahead. Smile

I just suggest the traditional route.

Green2 -- Hmm. Before, you said that he wouldn't argue with them if they accused him of being a beggar, and yet, he jumps at the opportunity to show his insignia. I know this isn't exactly laying claim to the throne, it just shows that he has some connection with the King, maybe the King sent him here to sell stuff or do stuff. And it's cool, I like the idea of it. However, I think you could make it a bit clearer as to what his thoughts are, what his intent is. Right now, you've got a great start -- it's like that planned chapter I showed you, remember it? How it told what happened, but it could definitely go into more detail. Right now, it looks like you got the idea out okay, but it could be so much more if you went into a bit more depth. Toy around with it. Smile

Quote:

“Think you took long enough? I was almost killed!” His breath smelled of rotted onions and something else, though he’d rather not know. His clothes were slightly torn, and had blood stains all over. His hair was blond and messy, could easily be mistaken for a murderous hobo.

“A simple thank you would have sufficed.” He said in a smart-elik tone.

Alec or Aleck. Smile

Quote:

“Why you smug little…..” The man stomped around the room to control his anger.

“Now don’t get your pampers in a bunch.

Why were you being chased?”

Jeepers, there it is again. The misplaced line break. Shocked

Do a quick read through perhaps? If nothing else, it's an easy way to procrastinate, and it's not too annoying to hunt down the sneaky things. Well, okay, depending on how many there are, it might be annoying. But it needs to be done! By the way, I like your dialogue. It's more realistic now, and your characters appear more fleshed out. Bravo. Very Happy

Quote:

“Well you should probably get out of my room now.

I have to head for Gidlen Castle.” Osane laughed.

Found another one. Wink

Quote:

“Why are you laughing…?” Rhodri said.

“You’re not going to get into Gidlen Castle, Invite only dude!”

What? Dude? Hold up here. 1, How old is Osane? I was assuming he was a full grown adult (you described him as man) and I have a hard time imagining many full grown men of Osane's personality (from what you've showed us) saying 'dude' without thinking about it. 2, What world is this? 'Dude' is a slang word native to planet earth. *nods* Having words like "Osane" and "Rhodri" and "Gilden" don't go well with "Dude."

Quote:

“Oh right there is no way that the Prince of Elismary is going to get into that castle.” He said sarcastically. Osane paused.

“You’re prince of Elismary?” He said confused.

“Yup.” Rhodri responded. Osane scratched his head.

“What the heck is Elismary?” Rhodri’s eye’s shot open.

“What do you mean? How can you not know what Elismary is?”

“School is for idiots.”Osane said. Rhodri shrugs.

XD! "What the heck is Elismary?" That rules. I love that. Only thing I might change is the dialogue tag for "You're the prince of Elismary?" As it is, it doesn't fit well. A beggar in pathetic scraps he calls clothes, claiming to be a prince? Worse, a prince of a land you've never heard about? I think it'd add a bit more to the situation if you switched 'confused' for something along the lines of 'slowly' or 'warily'. You get the idea. Again, toy around with it a bit. Smile

Quote:

“Halt!” The guard demanded.

“Um, I’m not moving?” Rhodri responded with an attitude.
The guard scoffed. “State your business!” The second guard said.

“My name is Rhodri, I am the Prince of Elismary, and I wish to speak to King Caliban on some urgent matters.”
The guards expressions were astonished.

Again, beggar in rags comes from nowhere, claims to be a prince, and demands an audience with the king. Obviously a looney. Have the guards be unbelieving at first, thinking Rhodri insane or stupid for thinking he could pull that off. Eventually, give the guards the proof they need, then have it hit them. WHAM! They've been talking down to the prince! Wait, did he say urgent matters? Quick! Get the captain! Hurry!

Quote:

“Did you not hear me the first time?

I am the prince of Elismary, I wish to speak to King Caliban.”

You know what to fix. Rest are yours to find, if there are anymore.

...Nope. No more.

Needs a quick read through, and the couple of tweaks I pointed out, but nothing more than that. Nicely done. I find myself surprised with how much you grow between postings, and it shows us that you do take our comments seriously, and take your own craft seriously as well. I think I can speak for all of us critiquers of yours when I say thanks for being such an awesome sport for taking all the scrapes and shreds we send your way. The fact that you take so long to post your chapters doesn't matter so much when you consider all the growth you go through between them.

Awesome chapter. Can't wait for number three.

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Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:32 am Post subject:

So, I'm 5 years late, but here's your review! I've been so busy that I've kept putting off critiques that I owe. I greatly apologize, and hopefully my review will make up for it!

By the way... Doe! Very Happy

Quote:

Only the strong can survive, [no comma] in this world.

The weak will fall to temptations. [semi instead] Darkness will overcome them.

Quote:

Leblanc, [dash instead] a city made of gold. A city where the rich live and the poor beg. Huge golden gates awaited him as he approached the golden city. His clothes were damp and his equipment was ruined, [no comma] except for his sword. He could have easily been mistaken for a beggar, and if they asked him, he probably wouldn’t disagree with them. Once he had finally arrived at the gate, <== Comma! the guards walked up to him.

Underlined: Don't the poor live there too? They just don't have big houses like the rich people. I don't think live is a good word. Try... prosper or another word that better separates the rich from the poor. Wink

Now. I didn't like this paragraph. The first two sentences, you're describing the city. I was getting all excited after the second sentence too. That second sentence was gold. Then I got the the third sentence. Already at the third sentence, and we're talking about a guy. The topic sentence clearly states it's about Leblanc. The man is a new subject, though, and deserves its own paragraph.

Start with one or the other. The opening paragraph can describe Leblanc and the people living it. Describe the current conditions or its history or a rat's PoV--I don't care. Anything can work as long as you describe Leblanc. OR. You can start with the man. Describe how he's walking, what he's thinking, what he's doing--anything. As long as you describe the man, it should work. Don't mention Leblanc in the first sentence, give an awesome sentence describing Leblanc, then switch gears to the man outside the city.

Quote:

“What is your business here, <== Comma! beggar?”

[New subject, new paragraph!]

He The man [or another noun] looked the guard right in the eyes. What could he say to him? Hello, <== Comma! I am the new king of Elismary? He doubted they would believe that, [semi or dash instead] he could barley believe it himself.

Barley: A grain used for food or beer
Barely: Scarcely, almost not, no more than Razz

Quote:

“I am just here to stay in an in; I’m just passing through.” The guards laughed.

Say the dialogue out loud. Does that sound realistic? It doesn't to me. The first sentence, he's using no contractions. Second sentence, he's using contractions. And he repeats just. That makes me want to stab him. Try something like: "I'm in search of an inn, so I may rest from my long journey." This is better. It can be improved, but it's better. And notice:

In: A preposition with a long, tedious definition
Inn: A tavern, small hotel, lodging Very Happy

Quote:

“What makes you think you can afford an inn? You can barely afford clothes!”

[New subject, new paragraph!]

The boy snorted, [no comma] and took out the king’s insignia from his pocket. [Join with new paragraph]“Here, [period or dash instead] now can I come in?”

[New subject, new paragraph]

The guards gasped.

Underlined: This isn't really insulting. Surely the guard can think of a better insult. He's obviously one with a big mouth. Give him the big mouth. Make him go too far.

"You? Afford an inn?" the guard mocked.
"So says the guy wearing a cow dung sack," said the second guard.

This is... okay. I know there's better. This was just written on the spot, but you, hopefully, see what I mean.

Italicized: I wouldn't even have the boy say this. Have him remain mysterious.

Redified: That's quite the elementary sentence. Elaborate on their reaction: their eyes bugged out, their weapons fell from their hands, their jaws dropped.

Quote:

“Where did you get that?” ~~They~~ they demanded.

Nah, have them stutter. They're supposed to be shocked or surprised, yes? Have their dialogue show that. "Wha...? Where'd you...?" Plus, saying that they both demanded kind of infers that they said that together. Characterize the guards. If you're not going to give them names, give them appearances and personalities. This way, you can identify which one says what. Said the guard with the goatee. Said the burly man.

Even those who seem the least important play a significant role.

Quote:

“I got it from my father, King Bursoda the ~~7th~~ VII, ~~Ruler~~ ruler of Elismary.”

The guards rushed to open the gates for the young [Join paragraphs] prince. Little did they know he was the new the king of Elismary.

[New idea, new paragrapoh]

He entered the buzzing marketplace, [no comma] and was nearly run over ~~almost being hit~~ by a cabbage cart.

Underlined: That's all you're going to give us? Just his quote? Show us his smirk, the glint of amusement in his eyes, the quiet rumble in his throat (his laugh), his vibrating shoulders (his laugh)--something. Not just his quote. That's too general. Specifics! We need specifics. We're smart, but not that smart. Wink

Italicized: This is even more of a shocker to the guards. Not only does this guy have the king's insignia, this is the prince. Have them scramble to get the gate, their stuttering apologies moving at hyper speed, have one trip and fall to the ground as he tried to get the gate, have one or both fall to their knees and kiss the prince's feet in apology. I mean... they mocked the prince. Now the prince knows what kind of people live in his kingdom. The guards have to do something. Make them freak out.

Redified: This is good. Still, you can elaborate more. Have the prince make an amusing thought and tag this sentence with it.

The prince smirked. Those fools, he thought. I should ban them from this kingdom for that. He chuckled silently as another thought occurred to him. They would probably kill themselves if they knew I was actually king now.

Blued: You're rushing again. He just entered the city. This is your chance to describe the city around him: the bustling people; the pathetic beggars; the scurrying rats and street cats; the dirt road; the wooden buildings that were so rundown, they looked as if they would collapse at any moment. Then take us to the marketplace specifically. Describe their food, the shouting women and merchants arguing over the raised prices, the lousy food carts.

Quote:

“Sorry!” ~~The~~ the girl said as she continued to run off into the city. The boy dragged himself into a nearby inn, [no comma] and bought himself a room for the night.

The boy? The prince was a man not too long ago. Which one is he? When you say boy, I think of a young teen or younger. When you say man, I think of an adult. When you say young man, I think teen. Be specific.

Also, tell us about the inn. Describe it. Does it smell like ale? Is it stuffy? Is the fireplace heating up the room? Is it loud and full of people? Are there musicians or entertainment? Is the innkeeper an idiot or a wise ol' geezer? Gimme the details. Make the reader think they're actually there.

Quote:

“Hmm, [ellipse instead] what should I do tomorrow?” He he said to himself as he laid on his bed. [Join paragraphs] “Maybe it would be wise to visit King Caliban, [no comma] and tell him of my father’s death…”

[New idea, new paragraph]

He rolled over and looked out his window, [period instead] he could see so many people running around outside. So many lives, so many dreams, [dash or period instead] Leblanc was a place of dreams. He decided he would pay the king a visit, [no comma] and drifted off to sleep.

First... would the prince say "my father's death?" He's talking to himself. At least let him say "Father's death."

Next, elaborate. This is a chance for more description of the city, more thoughts of the prince, a picture of his room. You did good with what you have, but you can do so much more. How did he come to his decision to see the king? Why would he not visit the king? Is this not the reason he's here? That was confusing as well. If he came to visit the king, he shouldn't be debating it. Also, he's been traveling for how long? Long enough that he's sore and exhausted? His bed would look a bit welcoming if this was the case.

Speaking of which, if he looks like a beggar and can get away with it (as you've said), why hasn't he? He had to resort to showing the guards his insignia and giving them his title, and he has to get a room at the inn--these things are not what beggars do. He'd be ratted out within two seconds. If he's in disguise and has some experience or read books about disguises, he should do better than this. If he's never disguised himself before or never heard of how one disguises themselves, then this isn't a problem; he's doing a poor job of disguise.

Quote:

The sound of a banging awoke him. He sat up in this bed, ~~staring~~ glaring at the door to his room.

Eweth. The sound of a banging? No, no, no. Someone pounded on the door, startling the prince. Better. It can be perfect if you think it through, but stay away from those cliche... and just wrong phrases. I also said glaring would be better 'cause I, personally, would not be happy if someone was banging on my door when I was supposed to be sleeping. I even think sat up is a bit of an understatement. I'd moan and groan and prop myself up on my elbow if I must. If it scared me, I'd shoot up in bed with wide eyes and shortage of breath.

Quote:

“Open this door!” A a man ~~screamed~~ demanded. The boy paused for a moment, rubbing his dark ~~brown~~ eyes and fixing his messy bed head.

To me, screaming is more feminine. You know, when they raise their voice to like... a shriek. I'm weird like that, though. Plus... I think demanding is more appropriate anyway unless this man's life is on the line.

I don't think fixing is appropriate either. He's a guy (no offense), and you guys don't really care much for your hair. You'll maybe comb it back with your fingers in one sweep, thinking that's all it takes to put the hairs back in place; but really, you don't fix it in a mirror. Not all the time, anyway. And he just woke up. He's more irritated with the guy at the door than his hair.

Quote:

“Geez, <== Comma! can’t a prince get a little privacy?” He he muttered under his breath as he headed for the door. ~~Once there~~ he opened ~~the door~~ it and a man tumbled in into the room. He stood up quickly and slammed the door shut. He glared at the boy and shouted into his face.

Underlined: I don't like this quote. He's a prince. He doesn't get privacy. In the mornings, doesn't a servant come in with breakfast? Or maybe murderers and thieves constantly break into the palace. Or even he loses sleep 'cause he has to fulfill his duty as prince/king. Royalty doesn't get privacy. That's the cost of royalty.

Italicized: This is your chance to describe the man, even if it's just briefly. Did he stumble his way to his feet, or did he trip over a chair when he walked in? Is he much older than the prince? Again, is the prince really a boy or a man or a young man? Shouted into his face is a little too modern for my liking too. We already know the man's next to the prince 'cause he closed the door and the prince was already there. Just say he was shouting, growling, yelling... whatever.

Quote:

“Think you took long enough! [question mark instead] I was almost killed!” His breath smelled of rotted onions ~~and something else, though he’d rather not know~~. His clothes were slightly torn, and ~~had~~ blood stains ~~all over~~ covered every inch of him. His hair was blond and messy, [semi instead] he could easily be mistaken for a murderous hobo.

The man's quote sounded too modern for me again. "If you took any longer, I would've been killed!" Describe his clothes. Is he wearing a tunic and hose or a brown onion sack? His hair was described amatuerly, by the way. Blond and messy. Get creative! His light hair was covered in dirt and muck, so it appeared brown. Each strand was pointing in its own direction, and his eyes were bloodshot. This was sketchy and on the spot, but you get the idea.

Quote:

“A simple thank you would have sufficed. [comma instead]” ~~He said in a [s]smart-elik~~ smart-alic tone[/s] he muttered.

You don't always need a tag that explains what the tone is. Sometimes the dialogue does that for us. I hear the prince muttering this irritably, which is pretty much the same thing. He just woke up; he doesn't care much.

Quote:

“Why, <== Comma! you smug little…..” The man stomped around the room to control his anger.

That was too quick for comfort. First of all, an ellipse consists of three periods, not five.

Second, would someone really say that after his life was saved? Sure, the prince was a little later than the man would've liked, but his life's been spared in the end. The man should be worried about the murderer. In fact, if he was really in danger, he'd ignore the prince and peer through the keyhole to see if the murderer's still there.

Finally, stomping around the room to control his anger? Nnnno. We stomp around the room to blow off our anger. We want to let it all out. Again, though, if he's really in danger, he wouldn't take the time to burn off his anger. He'd be anticipating the murderer's next move.

Quote:

“Now, <== Comma! don’t get your pampers in a bunch.

Yuck. Too modern, first of all. Second, would a prince say that? Check your time period and setting. Third, the prince just woke up anyway. He wouldn't say anything like this.

Quote:

" <== Quotations! Why were you being chased?”

You had this on a line to itself, but... the prince said this. The prince said the previous line too, though. When I read through, I thought the stranger said this, and it made no sense to me. Same speaker, same paragraph. This should be joined with the previous line. Also, tags don't hurt. You can use them. Better to overuse than not use them at all.

Quote:

“A women was murdered in the marketplace, [period or semi instead] I was nearby, <== Comma! so they decided to blame me. [comma instead]” He he grunted.

NEVER. Never, ever, ever in your entire life separate sentences with a comma. NEVER. That's what a period or semi is for. Even parentheses and dashes and ellipses--don't use commas. Commas have enough jobs as it is. Don't make them any more egotistic.

Underlined:

Women: Plural for woman.
Woman: A female human being Smile

Quote:

“I can see that happening.” The man stood up and got in the boy’s face. Rhodri pushed him back away from him.

Underlined: Really? I couldn't. I don't think the man told his story well enough. The prince may understand, but this is only the second chapter, and you're chapters aren't long. The reader still has hardly any clue as to how the people live here. I like story time. That's why I'm reading this! Give us the story. Why was the man really running?

Italicized: Again, that's too modernistic. Getting in people's faces? Not fantasy-ish in my book. The man approached him again so that the prince could feel his hot breath on his nose. This is better. Not only does it say the man is in the prince's face, it gives some feeling to it. It gives some specifics, so it feels like the reader is actually there.

Redified: Rhodri? I wish you introduced him sooner. This is too late in the prince's life to introduce himself, and this wasn't very subtle at all. The prince has been addressed as "the prince" for far too long. That's the guy's name now. Throwing another name at the reader for the same person is not very nice. Introduce the name sooner. And is the prince that cruel to push a stranger away like that? I'd see the prince taking a step back, but pushing him away? That's a little cruel for a prince, and he didn't seem that cruel earlier.

Quote:

“What’s your name?”

The prince said this, yes? Then why is it on its own line? Put it back in the prince's previous paragraph. Same speaker, same paragraph. New speaker, new paragraph. There are exceptions, but I have not run into any in this piece yet.

Quote:

“Osane, <== Comma!” ~~The~~ the man said proudly.

I don't like the word proudly, personally. If you could find a different way to describe the man's tone without using adverbs, it would be gold.

Quote:

“I’m Rhodri, [period instead] nice to meet you.” He gestured to shake hands, but Osane turned away.

Underlined: You did it again. You separated sentences with a comma. Don't do it. Commas are egotistical. They have so many jobs that they think they're so amazing and are just the best punctuation mark ever. Don't fall for that trickery. There are articles in the Knowledge Base and the CIA and other places that explain the use of the comma. They do a lot, but they don't separate sentences.

Italicized: Just say he held out his hand. The reader assumes it's for a handshake, and you don't really gesture to handshake. You just hold your hand out expectantly.

Quote:

“Well, <== Comma! you should probably get out of my room now.

Again, this should be in the previous line. The prince said this and the previous dialogue. Keep them together. Would the prince say this too? What kind of guy is he? I'm not getting a full-out character. I'm getting a dummy with random lines. Flesh this guy out. I should know who he is by now.

Quote:

I have to head for Gidlen Castle.”

[New subject, new paragraph]

Osane laughed.

Wait.. the prince said this. That means this quote should be with the previous line. Why is it on its own? I'm going to assume this one was a mistake 'cause there's no quotation marks in the beginning here nor is there quotation marks at the end of the previous line. Still, Osane's line should be with the next one. New subject, new paragraph. Osane is a different subject from Rhodri, so he gets his own paragraph.

Reading the next line, flesh this line out. Now that Osane's line is by itself, give more details. Describe the facial expressions or how he's laughing or something.

Quote:

“Why are you laughing…?” Rhodri said.

Describe Rhodri's reaction to Osane's laughing. All I have is a random question. How did he ask this? Does he look confused or irritated? What's his body language? His facial expression?

Quote:

“You’re not going to get into Gidlen Castle, [period instead] Invite only, <== Comma! dude!”

Dude? What? That's too modern. I say dude. You can't use dude. Laughing

He's not a hippie. He's some peasant, and the prince should be treating this guy however he treats peasants. Invite only doesn't sound realistic to me either. It's close, but it can be tweaked, so it sounds like it belongs in the fantasy world.

Quote:

“Oh, <== Comma! right. <== Period! ~~there~~ There is no way that the ~~Prince~~ prince of Elismary is going to get into that castle. [comma instead]” He he said sarcastically. Osane paused.

“You’re prince of Elismary?” He he said, <== Comma! confused.

“Yup.” Rhodri responded. Osane scratched his head.

Underlined: He just woke up! All this dialogue the guy's saying--why isn't he rubbing his eyes, moaning and groaning, tripping over shoes, etc.? He's awake enough to use sarcasm? Plus, don't say it's sarcasm. I already knew it was sarcasm. His tone was too modernistic for me too.

Italicized: Duh, he paused. He wasn't talking in the first place. Use a different word or phrase. Have him goggle at Rhodri, have his jaw drop, have his face fall, etc.

Redified: Don't tell us he's confused. Show us. What does his face look like? Have his dialogue drag out. "You're prince of... Elismary?" In fact, have him mispronounce it. "You're prince of... Elis...?" Show, don't tell!

Blued: Yup? That sounds hyper. He. Just. Woke. Up. "Yes, sir. That would be the truth." That sounds cheesy and fantasy-like. Remember how Rhodri was supposed to be...disguised? Oh, yeah! Disguised! Yes, yes, I remember. Well, he wouldn't be telling just anyone he's prince if he's supposed to be disguised.

Quote:

“What the heck is Elismary?”

[New subject, new paragraph]

Rhodri’s ~~eye’s~~ eyes shot open. [Join paragraphs] “What do you mean? How can you not know what Elismary is?”

“School is for idiots. [comma instead]”Osane said.

[New subject, new paragraph]

Rhodri ~~shrugs~~ shrugged.

Underlined: Too blunt again. And elementary. Describe his reaction a bit better. He froze, he dropped something he's been holding, his jaw dropped, his eyes widened (shot open is too modern), etc.

Italicized: Again, it's too modern... and I thought he was a man. He's been talking like a preteen lately. Yeah, not even a teen. A preteen. Who is this guy?

Redified: Elaborate! Why did he shrug? Did he not care, or did this explain things in a "Oh, duh!" fashion? What did he do after he shrugged? Continue to stare this guy in the face? Turn around to wander his room? Look out the window? Get distracted by a spider on the wall?

Quote:

“Oh, <== Comma! yes, <== Comma! that explains everything, <== Comma! doesn’t it. [question mark instead” He he said sarcastically ~~once~~ again. Rhodri walked over to his bed, <== Comma! ~~and~~ picked up his sword, and put on his boots. [Join paragraphs] “Well, <== Comma! you can stay here; I’m going to Gidlen Castle.” Rhodri headed for the door, [period instead] Osane didn’t follow.

Underlined: Again, the sarcasm. Don't tell us it's sarcasm. We can already guess that by the dialogue. It already sounds like it. Don't tell us. Also, I don't get it.

"School's dumb."
"That explains it!"

Explains what? It makes no sense. Fix that. It sounds like you just wanted to burn that guy but you didn't know what to say.

Italicized: He picked up his sword before putting on his boots? Those should be reversed. Also, take your time. Don't just list the actions. Make the reader feel it with your words.

Redified: You did it again! You separated the sentences with a comma. Don't do it. Don't. Do it. Elaborate here too. You're listing it again. Show us. Rhodri made his way to the door. Osane didn't budge from his spot. Also, I figured it was the middle of the night because Rhodri was forced away by the pounding on the door. What time of day is it? There's a window; show us! Where's the sun or moon?

Quote:

Rhodri exited the inn and walked into the marketplace. “~~freak~~ Freak. [comma instead] ” ~~He said to himself~~ he muttered. He looked around to see if he could spot Gidlen Castle.

[New idea, new paragraph]

In the south end of ~~the~~ town, <== Comma! a large castle ~~stood towering~~ towered over the marketplace. ~~Golden~~ Gold plated ~~all on~~ the outside walls, the guards surrounding it, [no comma] wearing golden armor to match.

New speaker, new paragraph]

“This is stupid. [comma instead]” He he thought. “Showing off, [no comma] by having everything ~~golden~~ made of gold; i I can’t wait to meet King Caliban.” He continued on his way to the castle.

[New idea, new paragraph]

The marketplace was the most famous ~~thing about~~ place in Leblanc, other than the giant golden castle. ~~Strange,~~ he had imagined rich people gathered around ~~shop’s~~ shops, <== Comma! buying till their hearts' were content. Instead, <== Comma! there were numerous amounts of beggars. Why would beggars be in a marketplace in of a golden city? Not only that, [no comma] but ~~many~~ children roamed the streets, all of them as happy as could be. The beggars seamed to always be happy as well. How strange, living as a poor peasant and still so happy.

Underlined: Freak? I don't like that. I'll even go with this: Rhodri muttered a few unintelligible words under his breath. I don't like freak, though. Also, give me more about the marketplace. All you tell me is gold, gold, and more gold. There must be more. What are the roads like? Any gardens? Birds or cats?

Italicized: Again, more gold. A castle made of gold. That doesn't sound as interesting as you mean it to be. Play with your words and make it more descriptive and creative. Make it more attracting. I want to be in awe of this castle, but in order for that to happen, I need more. It's not just gold. I mean, it can be gold, but at least find another word to describe it. Repeating gold over and over it rather irritating. I already know it's gold. Give me something else--another reason to be in awe.

Redified: Your thought bubbles. Earlier, you did not use the quotation marks. It was just bolded. Choose a format. I also recommend you use italics. It's much easier on the eyes. Bold always sounds like yelling or something fierce.

Blued: This is all you're going to tell me about the marketplace? The beggars? If so, it didn't sound interesting. You didn't make me go, "Ohhh, wow." You made me go, "So?" No "So". Explain this. Give your words a voice. Even your narration should have a voice. Even your third PoV should have a voice. I'll give you some credit, though. You made up for it with your last sentence. I liked that. It can still use some work altogether, though.

Quote:

He had finally reached the castle gates. As expected, <== Comma! the gate was golden, [no comma] and huge. Guards approached him once again.

Rewrite this totally. The first and third sentences are short and icky. The second sentence states the obvious. I hate it when people use "obviously" or, like you used, "as expected". The reader hasn't seen this before, so why is it so obvious to us?

Quote:

“Halt!” ~~The~~ the guard demanded.

“Um, [ellipse instead] I’m not moving?” Rhodri responded with an attitude.

The guard scoffed. “State your business!” ~~The~~ the second guard said.

“My name is Rhodri, I am the Prince of Elismary, and I wish to speak to with King Caliban on some urgent matters.”

The guards expressions were astonished.

Underlined: Mkays... I didn't like this. That's pretty much because the previous sentence is so dull. Guards approached him once again. Well... they're different guards, so don't say once again, and they must have expressions on their faces? How are they walking? What kind of weapons do they have? I don't know what you need to show us, but characterize your guards. Even the stray cat down the alley should be characterized. Every person or living being in the story must be characterized in some way. Now, give more to us than "Halt!" You can say the guard raised his hand, palm facing Rhodri. You can say... so many other things. Did we know Rhodri stopped? Tell us that he stopped.

Italicized: ...with an attitude. No, no, and no. He's supposed to be a beggar, remember? What kind of beggar back-talks those of higher status? Guards can arrest him on the spot, or is he not going to disguise himself? Plus, all this random sarcasm Rhodri shows us... is just that: random. Flesh him out more so that his dialogue is believable. Also, this may just be me, but saying with an attitude sounds like it's a girl. I can see Rhodri putting his weight on one leg and his hands on his hips. Laughing

Redified: Now, you weren't specific about your guards. The first one scoffed. Now make a new line. You know why? Because they're different speakers. New speaker, new paragraph. Sure, the first guard didn't speak really, but he scoffed. This paragraph, as far as the reader knows, is about the first guard. When the second guard came around, I was thrown off. Separate those. No exclamation point either. I don't remember if you've been using them, but try not to. They're a cheater method of showing excitement or anger. Tags can do that. Dialogue can do that on its own too. If the character's fleshed out, the dialogue can stand on its own sometimes. Try not to use exclamation points unless it's a must. Rarely, do musts come around the bend. Also, flesh out the second guard. What's he like? How are the two guards different? Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Blued: He's a beggar, remember? This won't be believable. And he says this so bluntly; it's almost irritating. He sounds stuck-up. He says it as if it's a given the guards will believe him and just let him in. I would think, since it was his plan earlier, that he try to avoid telling the world he's a prince. Even guards spread rumors.

Greenion: I mentioned this previously, but... the guards shouldn't fall for this. They're smarter than that. If Rhodri can just walk up, say he's prince, and the guards believe him, what will stop other beggars of doing the same thing? Even rich people? The guards must be stricter on protection. Plus, even if they believed he was prince, they shouldn't let him in right away. What if it was some terrorist attack? How do the guards know that he's trustworthy? I mean... the guy's all by himself. Something must be wrong.