Topic ID: 32852
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i think i can
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 28
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:55 pm Post subject: darkness |
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Hey there, this is the FIRST ever poem i have written. I know I'm usually very spontaneous but i really don't have much hopes for this 
Without further adieu welcome and please sit down... have a cuppa' coffee and relax before we start tonight's presentation
Darkness
Imitations of darkness
Spoilers of the light.
Lost to the mist,
Mans imaginary plight
Into the frightens heart it creeps
This Parasite of dread
Away from the light it seeps
Sifts from the skulls of the dead
(Whispered words),
It holds them tight
(Locked in its embrace)
The sun sets and it descends
Given entrance by the night |
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kris
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184 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: Re: darkness |
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For your first ever poem, this is brilliant! I like it because you use a lot of very evocative imagery & you had a very confident structure to your piece.
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[i]Imitations of darkness
Spoilers of the light.
Lost to the mist,
Mans imaginary plight |
Imaginary doesn't work. It throws the rhythm of the poem off balance...try and rethink it :/
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| (Whispered words), |
The use of brackets bothered me somewhat, they spoiled the final stanza - very distracting. You can easily communicate whispering without them 
A lovely poem
keep it up
kris
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i think i can
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you very much for that review. Currently i dont have time to alter it but i will come back as soon as I do. |
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clueless
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247 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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I was a little confuzed at first, I had to re-read it a couple of times. After that I liked it pretty well. "sifts from the skulls of the dead" ---- this is funny because it's talking about a different type of darkness than the ending. It's more of an evil darkness. But in the end you say, "given entrance by the night." which is talking about the night-time darkness. i kind of like how you entwine the two, but its one of the things that made it scattered. but it's a good confuzing. i think if you tried to change it it would just mess it up, so dont change a thing.
-M.J.- |
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hmmmm well, i hope you enjoyed.
indescribable, uncontainable, you put the stars in the sky and you know them by name... you are amazing God! |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 5:29 pm Post subject: |
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this was--overall--a good piece. great for your first one.
i'd suggest taking out the parenthesise in the last stanza. it was quite distracting.
i too don't think that you need to point out that the words were whispered...not dead on, anyway.
as Kris already pointed out, the word imaginary in the line 'mans imaginary plight' didn't really fit. while i was reading, i asked myself, "is it really all that imaginary?"
despite those few things, this was a very good poem.
nice work!
-GC10 |
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i think i can
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 9:49 pm Post subject: |
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Hey guys, thank you very much for those reviews. I am going to take the time out now to apologize for the lateness of this edit. 
Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:55 pm Post subject: darkness
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Hey there, this is the FIRST ever poem i have written. I know I'm usually very spontaneous but i really don't have much hopes for this
Without further adieu welcome and please sit down... have a cuppa' coffee and relax before we start tonight's presentation
Darkness
Imitations of darkness
Spoilers of the light.
Lost to the mist,
Mans subconscious plight
Into the frightens heart it creeps
This Parasite of dread
Away from the light it seeps
Sifts from the skulls of the dead
Whispered words,
It holds them tight
Locked in its embrace
The sun sets and it descends
Given entrance by the night
*ok so i tried to opt out imaginery, i dont think that works well. Please post suggestions |
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horsez919
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:29 pm Post subject: |
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This is a very good poem-especially for your first.
As everyone mainly said...the parenthesis were distracting and what not. Your revised version is somewhat better. I personally like them both, but I am glad you took out the parenthesis.
In the revised version you used subconcious instead of imaginary. I think subconcious is a better word to use than imaginary, so that's good. 
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Whispered words,
It holds them tight
Locked in its embrace |
You had the bolded lines earlier in ( ). This is fine, but you kind of just told us that it's whispered. Maybe use a synonym for whispered...or something other than just blurting it out. "Locked in its embrace" is fine the way it is-I think.
These are just suggestions. ANYWAY... I really like this poem. It's a lot better than my first one I'll tell you that.
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i think i can
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Hey! and thanks for that review, I'm sorry i haven't had the time to read it but ill get on that right now |
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