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thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
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 Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:29 am Post subject: Trail of Lies |
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This song is for my musical. It's the song that gets Kali's boyfriend mad at her(in the musical, she wrote it).
Trail of Lies
You said I was the only one for you.
That never really felt like the truth
I kept trying to love you,
But then I saw you at that ticket booth…
You and that girl were-
Hanging around,
All over town,
I couldn’t believe that.
I checked your phone,
I wasn’t alone,
In sending all those texts.
So now my goodbyes
Will be a surprise
When I break it to you…
That I’m on to your trail of lies.
By the way, if you hear you broke my heart,
Hate to say, but that’s just the start,
Of all the things I’ll say ‘bout you
That’ll stick around like a tattoo.
‘Cause you were-
Hanging around,
All over town,
I Couldn’t believe that.
I checked your phone,
I wasn’t alone,
In sending all those texts.
So now my goodbyes
Will be a surprise
When I break it to you…
That I’m on to your trail of lies.
(Instrumental break)
Your trail of lies, oh, trail of lies
Whoo!
(Break continues)
My goodbyes
Were quite a surprise,
I’m gonna ignore
All of your cries,
‘Cause I’m on to your trail of lies!
Ooooo…..whooh!
Trail of lies, trail of lies, trail of lies! |
_________________
Make peace with God, and make peace with yourself, 'cause in the end, there's nobody else.
- Point of Grace
Last edited by thunder_dude7 on Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:24 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Dr. Jamie Bondage
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:07 am Post subject: |
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I like it! It's got good rythem and movement. it flows well. I started singing it in my head! Lol.
my only complaint is that it seems really short. I would add another verse. But besides that, it's reaLly good!
I love how it seems to ryme! That's awesome!
keep up the good work. sorry that this didn't help much!
Jamie |
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The Queen Of Doodles
Writer
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313 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:28 am Post subject: |
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I really, really, really, liked it. 
When I was reading it, I started trying to find the rhythm (which I did find) then I tried finding a beat. I was even patting it on my computer desk (my hands hurt from all the patting I've done). I also liked the fact that it rhymes. 
I agree with Dr. Jamie about the song being short. You might want to add another verse. |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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This was really good. I'd love to hear it with musical. I could pretty much sing it with a simple tune, although there were parts that slipped me up.
You said I was the only one for you.
That never really felt like the truth Singing this, the second line didn't really work. It's a tad too long.
I kept trying to love you,
But then I saw you at that ticket booth…
You and that girl were-
Hanging around,
All over town,
Couldn’t believe that. I think this should be, I couldn't believe that.
I checked on your phone, Get rid of the on.
I wasn’t alone,
In sending all those texts.
So now my goodbyes
Will be a surprise
When I break it to you…
That I’m on to your trail of lies.
By the way, if you hear you broke my heart,
Hate to say, but that’s just the start,
Of all the things I’ll say ‘bout you
That’ll stick around like a tattoo. This verse is so... simple. I'm sure you can make it a bit more powerful, because it just sounds like half the songs that are on the charts right now.
‘Cause you were-
Hanging around,
All over town,
Couldn’t believe that.
I checked on your phone,
I wasn’t alone,
In sending all those texts.
So now my goodbyes
Will be a surprise
When I break it to you…
That I’m on to your trail of lies.
(Instrumental break)
Your trail of lies, oh, trail of lies
Whoo!
(Break continues)
My goodbyes
Were quite a surprise,
I’m gonna ignore
All of your cries,
‘Cause I’m on to your trail of lies!
Ooooo…..whooh!
Trail of lies, trail of lies, trail of lies!
Although I didn't say it, there were bits that I really, really liked. You're really good at this songwriting thing, and I can't wait to see your next song.
Great job! |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 1655
Reviews: 39
Country: That one on the left...
1116 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:26 pm Post subject: |
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I was thinking the rythem would be hard to find. You see, the lines are sung rather quickly, and then there's a quick little instrumental break, sort of like the beginning of this song's verses(starts about second 29):Good Friend and a Glass of Wine
Oh, and I realise that this may seem short, but the instrumental break is probably going to take care of that.
Choco, thanks for all the advice. I'll do the easy parts now, then work on that second verse. |
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Make peace with God, and make peace with yourself, 'cause in the end, there's nobody else.
- Point of Grace |
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