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Secrets of the Unfaithful {3}
Secrets of the Unfaithful {3}

by Angel of Death in Romantic Fiction
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This thread was created on June 11, 2005
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Future Faded, Chapter 1

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 6:39 pm    Post subject: Future Faded, Chapter 1 Reply with quote

Faded Future

The future. It is a time that most people hope to be a place of Peace, of Truth, of Tranquility, of Love. The reality is far from most people’s hopes. Death, Greed and Secrecy rule supreme. Most of the major countries have used areas of Earth to test new forms of weapons, new ways of creating death and mass destruction. By now London covers most of England, and is Earth’s capital city. After the New Revolutionist War in 2104 America and Canada have been reduced to ash land and desert. Hydronic Volcinity Weapon testing in the Arctic got out of control and became unstable. It evaporated most biological life within 10,000 km. New Zealand, after being used for the testing of new Seismic weapon technology, has sunk under the sea, and shortly after Australia was broken into several islands. These are called Khwareznia, Dareznia, Jolumb, and the island covered in forest, Hkoluy. The Country that was once known as France is mainly agricultural land and farms. Berlin, Moscow, and Rome have all become super-cities, spanning hundreds of kilometers.

Chapter 1

A weary beginning

Borys Chenkov’s steely blue eyes flicked open from an restless sleep for the fifth time that day, and for a brief second fear registered across his see-able features. The remains of the nightmare of last night flew through his mind, images flashed through his sub-conscious. For a few times the night before Borys had been back at the time. The time. He could, even now, feel the incredible heat wave, which distorted the air and made it look red. He could, even now, see his sister and father burn, the flesh ripped from their bones by the same wave. There was not even any blood. All the blood was instantly burned to nothing.

The dreams had always been there, appearing when Borys was saddest, but recently they had arisen more and more, like a bubble that floats slowly but determinedly to the surface in a swamp. He shook the horrifying images from his head, and stood up, the small pile of rags falling off of him like cold, dry leaves. He knew that he would do this again tomorrow, the day after that and the day after that. So many days would pass, he knew, that there would no longer be any sense of time, space or anything. There would just be him. Alive. No others. All of them dead. Borys stretched.

“Whew. Sleeping…curled up every night…. really takes it out of… you,” Borys said to himself, pausing as he thought of himself. There were no others to speak to. They were all dead. Borys took a step out of the room. He could see outside as half of the modern house had fallen down and second floor had fallen away completely. The sun was just rising over the concrete jungle of Kaliniskov. It was the only beautiful sight Borys would see for a long time.

The rising sun also illuminated streets in front of him. Borys’s shoulders sagged as the devastation of the outside world met his sight. Piles of once human ash lay on the once cement streets. Now the streets were cracked. Not by weeds and plants, but by the bomb that exploded nearly 10,000 kilometres away. Borys walked over to the edge of the landing and pulled himself down onto the ground below. No noise. Only Borys. Everyone else dead. Borys noticed for the first time the arrival of wind. There had been no wind in Kaliniskov since the…catalyst.

17 years ago, when Borys was only 10, the news had come up on the television with an urgent report. A huge explosion had been reported just 200 miles south of the North Pole. The information was extremely sketchy, but the special government correspondent reported that the incident was contained, and there was nothing to be afraid of. Two hours later, the remains of the heatwave hit Kaliniskov. The houses on the north west side of the small town were instantly demolished. Borys had gone there when he was 15. The ground was completely levelled. Even plants did not try to get a new hold on life.

After the heatwave demolished the north west side of town, a relatively small amount of heat carried on through the town, wreaking houses with wooden supports and vaporising all life within 2 miles. All in the city died that day. Apart from Borys.

To that day Borys had no idea how he had survived. He could remember being in his house with his mother. He lived at the end of a long street, almost a cul-de-sac, so he could see the heatwave approaching. Even in its weakened state, he still witnessed the heatwave rip people apart and at once incinerate the ashes that appeared. The lampposts melted, the manhole covers disappeared, letting the pure thermal energy pour down into the sewers, roasting the rats, boiling the stinking water. The rats may have squealed in pain, but the noise from the boiling water, which almost instantly away, drowned out all over sound. Other manhole covers exploded upwards and flame rose out. It was for Borys, whose only home up till that time had been Kaliniskov, the Apocalypse, the end of time. Yet he survived. Borys dimly remembered darkness, and when he awoke, hours, maybe days later, everything was quiet.

Time dulls everything, even the worst of memories. Borys now felt only slight remorse for the dead. Rather, he felt more remorse for the living. The dead are lucky when a disaster happens, as they go on to paradise, heaven, the after-life. The living have to push on being alive in hell. Borys felt like that now. All the grieving had ended. When you have to fight for your life every day, you have no room for grief for others.

Borys was musing on this as he was walking, and suddenly he stopped dead. He hadn’t realised just how far he had walked. He was now faced with one of the many shadows in his life. The end of Kaliniskov. Borys had never ventured out of the city’s limits. He had never walked past the small blue and white sign that read: “Welcome to Kaliniskov”. He didn’t know why. Several reasons had formulated in his head. One was that he felt that as he hadn’t experienced his parents death himself, maybe they were still alive, wondering where he was, too scared to leave whatever shelter they had found, and by terrible luck when he decided to leave the town, they would come looking for him. They wouldn’t find him if he left. Borys just couldn’t accept that they were gone. Borys felt a slight wind pick up from the west. He turned and faced the red setting sun, silhouetting the scars of the bomb attack. He turned again, and with the wind in his face, he walked.

Two days later, Borys was sitting in the centre of a low concrete building in the middle of an old farm. Borys couldn’t believe his luck when he saw it. The main barn had managed to block off most of the heat from the explosion and most of the windows where intact. A small portion of the corner of the wall had collapsed, and the metal roof was rusted in the centre. He claimed it immediately. So Borys now struggled to keep warm despite the fact that the season was late summer. Or possibly early autumn. Borys could no lunger keep track of the time.

His long coat was dragged around to the East by the wind through the open door, as if beckoning him to return to Kaliniskov. He felt as if Death’s Handmaiden was trying to lure him back to his doom. Borys’s train of thought was derailed in less than a second then, however.

A heart-gripping screech filled the air around Borys, and while it only lasted a second, the sound rang through Borys’s head for what seemed like an age, pulling open new doors in his mind, and slamming old ones shut. Each door’s movement inreased Borys's fear, until he was filled with it, and he felt as if he might explode with terror. Dark shapes ran in front of Borys’s eyes, and the darkening sky seemed to be filled with demons and imps. He half leapt, half staggered to his feet and heard a quiet sound, almost a hiss. He turned and there, only just viewable in the darkening light, was a large creature. It was only lit by the steadily diminishing light, so Borys could only see the shape of its body, which was like a huge square maggot, and a few needle like mouth parts. It had no see able eyes. It hissed again and leapt through the window with such force it knocked over a small part of the wall underneath. Borys’s eyes may have been focused on the terrifying creature before him, but he still heard a small amount of scratching on the roof above him. The creature leapt again. This time Borys could see what it was going to do, and he dodged the leap and ran from the small hut, whilst the creature destroyed most of the wall. The creature screamed this time, and this noise was followed by a squealing noise. Borys stopped running and turned around. The roof collapsed with a huge bang, and the creature was crushed beneath the metal and concrete. Bits of old metal flew everywhere, and a large piece spun towards Borys, slicing about half an inch into his the skin above his waist. The steadily diminishing light began to grow dark for Borys. He collapsed with blood beginning to pump out of his side. It mixed with the dust below him to make mud. Maybe it was just his brain reacting to the shock of the wound, but he could swear that the light around him was brightening, sparkling, almost coruscating with holy light and energies. The last thing Borys heard as he faded into the dark and terrifying world of unconsciousness, was a crunching sound, and the last thing he smelled was the powerful smell of petrol.

[size=18][/size]

Thats it.... Any comments welcome.

Thanks


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 7:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First let me say, this was very well-written. I once posted a story without describing enough of the character's background, and it did not fare well with reviews. Your story was detailed nicely, and even had some good metaphors and similes in the beginning. And because of all that, the story is pretty clear too.

Now onto crit: I'm just going to go through the story chronologically and point out what I'd improve.

Quote:
Borys Chenkov’s steely blue eyes flicked open from an restless sleep for the fifth time that day

Borys Chenkov’s steely blue eyes flicked open from a restless sleep for the fifth time that day

Quote:
For a few times the night before Borys had been back at the time.

This line only makes sense after you've read the whole chapter, because it takes the entire chapter to understand what exactly happened "at the time." However, the first time it is read, it is confusing. We're left wondering "what is the time?" and the simple description that follows wasn't enough to clear it up (at such an early point in the story). I'd redo that sentence, just so the point - that he'd once again been remembering the heat wave - is told in the simplest form possible.

Quote:
He could, even now, feel the incredible heat wave, which distorted the air and made it look red. He could, even now, see his sister and father burn, the flesh ripped from their bones by the same wave.

You say "He could, even now" as an opener to both sentences. I'd change the second one by either taking out "even now" or replacing it with "still" or a similar word.

Quote:
He knew that he would do this again tomorrow, the day after that and the day after that.

It becomes redundant to say "the day after that and the day after that." Make it into something like "the days that followed."

Quote:
So many days would pass, he knew, that there would no longer be any sense of time, space or anything.

By adding "anything," it makes the line vague and gives the sense the author isn't sure what else to put there. And who knows, maybe you're not. But to avoid this, it would be better to put "time or space." Or, if you want to keep the current form, think of another word that could be paired with the universal words of "time" and "space," and use that word to replace "anything."

Quote:
There would just be him. Alive. No others. All of them dead. Borys stretched.

That's too many fragments in a row. Connect some.

Quote:
Borys said to himself, pausing as he thought of himself.

"Himself" is overused in the line.

Quote:
There were no others to speak to. They were all dead.

I don't think you need to re-emphasize that they're all dead. By now, we've gotten that idea.

Quote:
No noise. Only Borys. Everyone else dead.

Again, don't need that "Everyone else dead."

Quote:
There had been no wind in Kaliniskov since the…catalyst.

This is picky, I know, but I'd change it to "There had been no wind in Kaliniskov since.....the catalyst. It gives a better dramatic effect.

Quote:
After the heatwave demolished the north west side of town

Either northwest as one regional area, or north and west as two separate ones.

Quote:
All in the city died that day. Apart from Borys.

I'm actually okay with this closure on the population being dead, because it's not simply "Everyone was dead." It gives a specific area of death, and a sense of finality for that city. I'm not sure about the "Apart from Borys." I think we get that idea too by now. However, it's up to you to keep it or lose it.

Quote:
It was for Borys, whose only home up till that time had been Kaliniskov, the Apocalypse, the end of time.

The wording of this sentence is somewhat difficult to understand. I'd change it to "For Borys, whose only home up till that time had been Kaliniskov, it was the Apocalypse, the end of time."

Quote:
When you have to fight for your life every day, you have no room for grief for others.

I would change it to "When you fight for your life every day, you have no room for grief for others." There's no need for the "have to," but the line actually works fine even if you leave it in. I just think taking it out sounds better.

Quote:
you have no room for grief for others.

For grief of others. And if you do change that, it would be "For the grief of others."

Quote:
So Borys now struggled to keep warm despite the fact that the season was late summer.

Starting a line with "So" takes away from it's main idea. I would nix that, and maybe reword it to be "Borys' new struggle was to......"

I'm not quoting this, because it's pretty general, but in the last three paragraphs, you use Borys' name too much. It's like when you write from first person, using "I" too much takes away from the story. I'd revise those paragraphs, and where it's not needed, I'd replace his name with "he."


I know it's a lot, but it's seriously there to help. Like I said, this story was extremely well-written and has potential. Most of this stuff is minor line confusions and things, so make the corrections and see how you like it. If you still want help with chapters/plot points, post and we'll help.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 7:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks very much. When I get Chapter 2 written up on here, I will revise that chapter and maybe repost it.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 8:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow - that was really good Smile.
Here's some observations I made,


Quote:
By now London covers most of England


Really? Well that’s depressing. London really smells.


Quote:
Sleeping…curled up every night…. really takes it out of… you,”


That ‘r’ should be a capital.


Quote:
He could see outside as half of the modern house had fallen down and the second floor had fallen away completely.


Repetition of ‘fallen’ bogs it down. Also, I think you missed out ‘the’ inbetween ‘and’ and ‘second’.


Quote:
Borys could no lunger keep track of the time.


‘Lunger’ should be ‘longer’?


Quote:
Each door’s movement inreased Borys's fear


‘Inreased’ = ‘increased’?



Once again - a good start. I'm looking forward to Chapter Two Cool.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

some details don't seem to fit...he's been all alone in this place for seventeen years, and he still feels awkward when he speaks to himself? And nobody came to town to loot it? What kind of a world is that? No rescue helicopters came so that htey could score points? And there was even petrol to smell? Wouldn't there have been a global climate change, after that ultra-explosion? How did he not get ultra-incinerated? And how did he not suffocate under the smoke of an entire city burning? What was he eating, what food would have survived? And what the hell was that bug?

Stories are too long for me to check grammar, so I check that the stories jive with science and things. Tu comprendes. And I thought that it was very well written, though I think some of the language at the end, not the ultra-end, but near to it, was a bit sloppy.
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 3:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow, this is a very cool story, it make me wonder how he survived, yet everyone else was instantly vaorized by the heat wave, what is that thing that tried to attack him, sounds kreepy, a little confuzing story but goood start, whats petrol is it some type of gas, becaus i forget what it is, dont use or hear that word much.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 7:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“Whew. Sleeping…curled up every night…. really takes it out of… you,” Borys said to himself, pausing as he thought of himself. There were no others to speak to. They were all dead. Borys took a step out of the room. He could see outside as half of the modern house had fallen down and second floor had fallen away completely. The sun was just rising over the concrete jungle of Kaliniskov. It was the only beautiful sight Borys would see for a long time.
The rising sun also illuminated streets in front of him. Borys’s shoulders sagged as the devastation of the outside world met his sight. Piles of once human ash lay on the once cement streets. Now the streets were cracked. Not by weeds and plants, but by the bomb that exploded nearly 10,000 kilometres away. Borys walked over to the edge of the landing and pulled himself down onto the ground below. No noise. Only Borys. Everyone else dead. Borys noticed for the first time the arrival of wind. There had been no wind in Kaliniskov since the…catalyst.

17 years ago, when Borys was only 10, the news had come up on the television with an urgent report. A huge explosion had been reported just 200 miles south of the North Pole. The information was extremely sketchy, but the special government correspondent reported that the incident was contained, and there was nothing to be afraid of. Two hours later, the remains of the heatwave hit Kaliniskov. The houses on the north west side of the small town were instantly demolished. Borys had gone there when he was 15. The ground was completely levelled. Even plants did not try to get a new hold on life.


This is complete junk science. The diameter of the world is less than 3,500 miles, which is about 5631 kilometers. There is no way a bomb could explode from 10,000 kilometers away, the world isn't that big.

Also, there is the physical damage. Humans are incinerated instantly, but there are still streets and buildings? The temperatures and the actual force of the wave should have vaporized the entire city wholesale and leveled what was left. What you are describing is an incredible explosion, millions upon millions of times the power of an atom bomb. Nothing would have stood a chance.

The explosion is probably so powerful, it could have ignited the atmosphere of the Earth, which would really complicate survival in a post-detonation environment.

So, take some lessons from the science part of science fiction.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 2:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

its sci fi, this is his world not the one we live to know, he is god there, the world could be much bigger than 10k killomiters, he is god there, his word is law there


GO SCI FI!!!!!!!

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 4:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The problem with that is that he is using Earth, not some other planet. If he is going to use the world, he has to write according to it's rules. This is the same even in fantasy stories.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 4:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Extremly well written! Very creative. Razz

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 7:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting, but I would have to agree with Griffinkeeper. All you have to do is change some numbers - it's really no biggie.

There were a couple of things that did bug me though...

It has to do with your units. Sometimes you used "miles" and sometimes you used "kilometres." Okay... now in the future, they would probably use the SI system because SI units are just a lot more... convenient. So! Will you use the English system or SI system? Only you can decide... just don't switch back and forth. It's annoying.

Second of all, spell out your numbers! Starting with a "17" in one of your sentences is very eye catching, but you can still write "seventeen" without any problems.

Oh, don't you love my critiques when I come back from chemistry? Laughing

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, that's all really good stuff, thanks. You have to remember I am only 14 though... Not a very good excuse, but it works for most things Very Happy .
Um...
Thanks for all the info, I'm still trying to work out the incident...
Hmmm... Any ideas on what could have happened? Help would be appreciated.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm... the age means nothing. Okay, upon doing some research, the diameter of the Earth, (from one source) is actually 12, 472Km (7,900miles), and from another source, 7,962 Miles (Not polar). So in theory, it could happen. One of my teachers has taken this to a team of novelists, and I am waiting to see what they say about it...

The eternally confused... Can you blame me though?

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 11:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow, really nice story!

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