Topic ID: 32769
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 646
Reviews: 314
Country: In a Dickens novel
500 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:26 pm Post subject: The Night Sings Sweetly |
 |
|
The night sings sweetly,
it dances toward the city’s light.
It’s on nights like these that memories happen,
and streetlamps flicker in delight.
Days are bright,
but their truth has left me blind.
They let you down, they last too long,
oh, night to me is much more kind.
A night, sings a sweeter song.
It’s touch is quiet and close,
And it whispers, like feet on cobbles,
with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose.
I can see us now, on the wall,
fresh smoke rising from your face.
The moon is cool and we pass a cigarette,
just like we pass our fears, and share this place.
So feel the wind, drop your mask,
let our worries rise like amber kites.
Let’s kiss and sparks can follow us
as the night sings sweetly,
as the night sings sweetly
toward the city’s lights. |
_________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Angel of Death
Nano '08 Winner
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 872
Reviews: 409
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1533 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This was so beautiful I can't even explain how magical this poem is. Wow. I didn't see any grammatical errors but I don't think you should change anything. It flowed really nice and I agree, night is really better than the day...its the best time to write.
My favorite stanza is:
| Quote: |
The night sings sweetly,
it dances toward the city’s light.
It’s on nights like these that memories happen,
and streetlamps flicker in delight.
|
I like this stanza because its descriptive and it really sums up everything that happens at night. Beautiful!
All in all,
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel  |
_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
sezPez
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
At times it seemed to drag on a little with the "well the night is better than day because etc.", between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas. The flow and rhythm could've been better also. However, I'm really digging that dark back alley/jazz club filled with smoke/slow atmosphere of the poem, so 1+ for you  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
powerofwords2008
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 26
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:25 pm Post subject: Re: The Night Sings Sweetly |
|
|
| Eimear wrote: |
Days are bright,
but their truth has left me blind.
They let you down, they last too long,
oh, night to me is much more kind.
A night, sings a sweeter song.
It’s touch is quiet and close,
And it whispers, like feet on cobbles,
with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose.
|
|
|
|
| Back to top |
|
powerofwords2008
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 26
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:28 pm Post subject: The Night Sings Sweetly |
|
|
| this is a really good piece that manages to keep my attention and not only that but it balances the elements of darkness and love. it reminds me of a scene in an old romance movie kind of. your voice is used well in this piece and also your vocabulary is used well in your description and your telling of what is happening. sometimes though it feels as if the rhyme is forced. but overall great piece. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 474
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
380 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
this was wonderful! theres nothing else i have to say...
great job!
-GC10 |
_________________
"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 730
Reviews: 270
Country: Atlanta,GA USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:07 pm Post subject: Re: The Night Sings Sweetly |
|
|
AAAWWWWWWW!!!!!! I loved this poem. It was soooo sweet. I think I like the night time way more than I like the day time. This poem reminds me of my boyfriend for some odd reason. This was excellent writing, but the only little flaw I saw was that in this stanza:
| Eimear wrote: |
A night, sings a sweeter song.
It’s touch is quiet and close,
And it whispers, like feet on cobbles,
with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose.
|
It's needs to be changed into its. It's not "It is touch is quiet and close".
But overall I loved it so keep up the good work! Peace  |
_________________
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
|
| Back to top |
|
ProfessorRabbit
+4 to hit
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 25 Jun 2008
Posts: 790
Reviews: 47
Country: Dictionopolis
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
The night sings sweetly,
it dances toward the city’s light.
It’s on nights like these that memories happen,
and streetlamps flicker in delight.
|
I don't know that "it" is a word you want at the beginning of these lines. I'd suggest rephrasing so that you don't need to use it.
The night sings sweetly
Dancing toward the city's light
On nights like these, memories happen
And Streeplamps flicker in delight
See, that also sets the rhythm more neatly.
| Quote: |
Days are bright,
but their truth has left me blind.
They let you down, they last too long,
oh, night to me is much more kind.
|
That switch to the past tense in line 2 has messed up your rhythm a bit. I'd also leave out the "oh" in the last line, but that's more of a stylistic choice.
Days are bright
But their truth leaves me blind
They let me down, they last too long
Night, to me, is much more kind
The rhythm is still a little awkward, but there's no way to solve that problem without rewording the entire stanza.
| Quote: |
A night, sings a sweeter song.
It’s touch is quiet and close,
And it whispers, like feet on cobbles,
with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose.
|
No comma in the first line. "It's" should be "Its" in the second line. I'd also leave out the "and" in line 3, and the comma there should go away.
A night sings a sweeter song
Its touch is quiet and close
It whispers like feet on the cobbles
With a rhythm, life in a smaller dose
Try to avoid using unnecessary punctuation in poetry. It only interferes with the visual, and part of poetry is how it looks.
| Quote: |
I can see us now, on the wall,
fresh smoke rising from your face.
The moon is cool and we pass a cigarette,
just like we pass our fears, and share this place.
|
I'd take out all the commas.
I can see us now on the wall
Fresh smoke rising from your face
The moon is cool and we pass a cigarette
Just like we pass our fears and share this place
| Quote: |
So feel the wind, drop your mask,
let our worries rise like amber kites.
Let’s kiss and sparks can follow us
as the night sings sweetly,
as the night sings sweetly
toward the city’s lights.
|
I love this stanza. It's an excellent summary of the story, with a nice repetition of the fourth and fifth lines. That last line brings us back to the beginning of the poem, and I love the simile in line 2. |
_________________
Frylock, please, no books! I can't read; I'm not a loser!
-Master Shake |
|
| Back to top |
|
kris
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 100
Country: UK
82 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:12 pm Post subject: Re: The Night Sings Sweetly |
|
|
Sup' Eimear? long time no speak eh? i hope you're ok.
Anyway - "LET US, OUR BUSINESS COMMENSE!", to quote Moliere ;P
Firstly I think your structure is inspired! it really is. The rhyming pattern of ABCB was lovely - it feels like it is not going to make a rhyme but then it does weeeeeee.
| Eimear wrote: |
| The night sings sweetly |
I love the way you opened your poem with the title, as well as repeating it at the end. gave the piece a lovely conclusion.
| Quote: |
I can see us now, on the wall,
fresh smoke rising from your face. |
To me this is the most fantastic couple of lines in the poem. I love them. why? because to me they have two meaning. Being from Ireland as well i am familiar with the mural culture of northern Ireland as well as the gun related violence. So it reads plainly as your shadows being cast onto the wall and him smoking. But i see the IRA related violence...so mneh, i don't know if this was intended or not.
I am sorry i can't offer much in the way of critique. How very useless i make myself *sighs* but to my mind it was flawless.
Very very well done
fondest love
kris
x |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 979
Reviews: 384
Country: Grasslands.
524 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 9:07 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hi Eimear! I’m sorry this is so late. Various things were getting in my way, aye. ^^ But! Let’s get this critique going:
The night sings sweetly,
it dances toward the city’s light. < I think you’d do better here by taking out the “it” and making “dances” into “dancing”
It’s on nights like these that memories happen,
and streetlamps flicker in delight.
Days are bright,
but their truth has left me blind.
They let you down, they last too long,
oh, night to me is much more kind. < I don’t like “Oh” here, it just seems very breathy and ick. Taking it out won’t hurt your poem at all. Though I’d suggest adding a “the” to the start of the line.
A night, sings a sweeter song. < I don’t like the comma here, you can do without it. I’d take away the full stop here, let it continue onto the next line.
It’s touch is quiet and close, < I’d start this line with an “and” and end with a full stop. These first two lines connect slightly better than the second and third, and I feel they run together better.
And it whispers, like feet on cobbles, < Remove “and” here.
with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose. < Place a semicolon in place of the comma here.
I can see us now, on the wall,
fresh smoke rising from your face.
The moon is cool and we pass a cigarette,
just like we pass our fears, and share this place. < This is a bit of an icky line. There something just so… rehearsed about “we pass our fears” that makes me scrunch my nose when I read it. Maybe look over it and think about a different phrase, or taking this to a five line stanza instead?
So feel the wind, drop your mask, < I think that you could swap the comma for an “and” here.
let our worries rise like amber kites.
Let’s kiss and sparks can follow us < I think you could swap this “and” for a comma or maybe a “so” and it would flow a little better.
as the night sings sweetly,
as the night sings sweetly < I dislike this repetition. I’d do without it, completely.
toward the city’s lights.
-----
Well, I like this. I know I’ve made a lot of suggestions, but I like the feel and the idea of the poem as a whole. There are a few parts I just don’t like, but I’ve explained those.
I do have a problem with the end… purpose of the narrative. It’s like… you started off with one intention but it feels like along the way you lost it and ended up where you are? Maybe it’s just how I’m reading it, but it feels somewhat disconnected.
Now, all my suggestions are basically subjective, as all poetry is. But I’d love if you considered them; I think it would really help.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
_________________
Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
