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This thread was created on July 8, 2008
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The Storybook Chapter One Goto page Previous 1, 2
Topic ID: 32767
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Talking_Pinata
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 247
Reviews: 86
300 Points
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 Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Ah yes. And I wasn't sure if I was delusional or not, but it turns out I was right when I thought that I was hearing the word "she" a lot at the beginning. |
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Fire Light
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Posts: 59
Reviews: 31
Country: on the border between Palatia and Marus
323 Points
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 12:00 am Post subject: |
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If the internet would work for me for just five minutes, these reviews would come a lot faster, butt… Anyway, here’s the review.
Hmm… very good, very good.
One thing I don’t think anyone else cared about: how long was she in the bookstore/library/place? ‘Cause i’m a man (okay, boy) of technicalities, so why did her mother text her so soon? Was it near her house, was she late already, or did a lot of time pass that seemed like only a minute or two? People might wanna know. 
Anyway, very good beginning!  |
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shadepelt
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Aug 2008
Posts: 30
Reviews: 8
Country: Oz
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:41 pm Post subject: |
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First of all, I love your story. It has a very interesting storyline, and I love your creativity! Some points:
“She dropped her bike to the sidewalk as she pulled open the wooden door. The tinkling of bells greeted her as she stepped inside. The soft aroma of ancient dust and lavender tickled her nose and she sneezed.
She pulled her earphones out and stuck her walkman in her coat pocket, not once taking her eyes off the endless shelves of old books that loomed in front of her. She went to the nearest shelf and ran her finger along the spines of the books. All these titles, she’d never heard of them before.”
You started both paragraphs with “she” and I think you used it to often in most of the beginning of the story. Try subbing it with “Nicole” or “the girl”.
“The salty rain plastered her bangs to her forehead. She wiped a raindrop that was dripping down her nose as she read the sign again: The Storybook.”
I thought the description was great!
“That was funny. Same name as the shop. She searched for a name of an author but found none. She had started to open the cover but a voice behind her sent her hand flying to her nose as she sneezed once again.”
I don’t think the voice should have sent her hand flying to her nose, but you could say “Nicole had started to open the cover, but I voice behind her made her jump, at the same time she sneezed.” I know that doesn’t sound very fluid, but you could edit it. It sort of sounds like the voice made her sneeze.
“The woman had long silver hair down to her ankles and was wearing a long purple dress that went down to the floor, completely covering her feet.”
Try “the woman had long silver hair down to her ankles, and was wearing a long, purple dress that hung to the floor, completely covering her feet.” This way you will avoid using “down to her…” twice.
“Not that I know of,” the woman answered, softly sighing. Her voice was old, full of knowledge, as soft as the petals of a flower. Nicole was mesmerized by it.”
I love that description!
“Hi honey!” her mom called from the kitchen. “I’m just making dinner. Your father should be home soon, Jeff too!”
Who’s Jeff? Does she have two fathers?
All in all, I think it’s great. I’m going to read the second chapter as soon as I post this! |
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| This thread was created on July 8, 2008 |
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