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In an Eggshell
In an Eggshell

by oboemagic_1414 in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on July 8, 2008
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The City that Forever Sleeps
The City that Forever Sleeps(Revised)
The City that Forever Sleeps(Part III)

The City that Forever Sleeps(Part II)

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Ryukun7   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:32 am    Post subject: The City that Forever Sleeps(Part II) Reply with quote

Whenever I left the apartment a feeling of complete emptiness seeped into the very roots of my being, and a depression so deep rose in my consciousness that it physically hurt. I hated going out—it was like leaving the only sense of comfort behind—my security blanket.

The sun seemed to have forgotten this hell-hole. There was an eternal tarp made of gray clouds above the world's head, but this tarp held rain in rather than keeping it out. Streets beneath our feet nearly crumbled under our light weight from lack of caretakers. One can only imagine the potholes. Truthfully, I was in constant paranoia of being decimated by the towering buildings around us. They—like the streets—had nothing from halting their slow decay.

“What's wrong?” Cairo questioned.

Was he always entirely oblivious to all of this?

“It's nothing,” I mumbled.

“Well, I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get some grub at Oriana's. She is the best cook!”

“Yeah,” I nodded in agreement.

“My favorite dish is her spaghetti covered in tomato sauce,” he drooled dreamily. Anything other than canned food was a delicacy.

I nodded again, and he continued his rant.

“I mean, nothing can beat her cooking. I hope Vincent isn't there. I lose to that bastard in cards every time.”

My jaw clenched at Vincent's name, but I quickly gained my usual composure. “Maybe you shouldn't play cards anymore.”

Cairo laughed, “You know I can't help it. Gotta have fun sometime! Besides I'll beat him one of these days.”

I smirked. “Sure.”

He chuckled at my sarcasm. “I figured I would get a response from you if I mentioned him,” he added with a mischievous grin.

My eyes narrowed.

“Oh, come on, don't be so sour. You need to lighten up a little, man. And stop taking ever ything so--”

Before he could finish, my hand clamped over his ever-open mouth. I placed my other hand's finger on my mouth in a gesture for Cairo to stay quiet.

“Someone is here,” I whispered.

His green eyes turned fearful as he pointed behind me. I swept a quick 180 turn. My eyes darted furiously around the colossal buildings. Where was it? Where was it? There! There was a figure behind a shopping store's glass display. I couldn't make out specific details, but they were wearing ragged clothing, and their eyes... Their eyes were other-worldly, savage, insane. And it was then, within seconds, I realized we weren't staring at the front of this figure. No, they were staring at our backs. A reflection.

“Move!”

Our reaction time was quite impressive if I do say so myself. If the situation weren't life threatening, I would probably laugh Cairo's action movie-like roll out of harm's way.

I snapped into survival mode as the creature lunged towards my direction. Before my brain registered a signal to my hand, second nature took over, and I slid the pistol out of its holster that rested at my side.

Bullets from my gun spun out of the barrel one- by-one at an almost infinite speed. I couldn't stop pulling the trigger. Even when the body collapsed to the ground, I think I fired at least two more shots that went whirling into an unsuspecting Dumpster.

There were a few moments of silence. I'm sure neither of us were breathing. Cairo and I didn't look at each other, but we were transfixed on that disfigured body as if it was the only thing that existed. The “creature” was actually a human infected with GD. This hadn't been our first encounter with one, but we never quite got used to homicidal crazed persons throwing themselves at us with no fair warning.

“S-so” Cairo stuttered, “I kind of forgot my gun.”


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Syte   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

<laughs> I like the ending.

It kind of reminds me of Resident Evil, but it's probably different. Your writing is good, so I would continue if I were you. I thought your exposition was very good. You began by describing what was different about your world, something about the tarp, without using a prologue or holding back the story. You give information with the action of the story instead of putting it on hold to talk about something, and I think that's a good skill.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 11:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

whoaa big words. omg profanity lol jk.

isn't speeded suposed to be sped or something? idk your better at that stuff.

the word potholes looks funny. lol its like poth. ROFL!!

theres a ever ything somewhere i think thats messed up.

this sounds alot like i am legend. besides the fact that there are alot more humans....i think.

but it still sounds pretty good.
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This thread was created on July 8, 2008

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