Topic ID: 32724
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Lynlyn
the ocean is full of water
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 Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: that time of year again |
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front garden: he squatted
nonchalantly uprooting pink petunias
why, i came after him, shovel in hand
shouting who the hell are
and what would you with my annuals
“ma'am, we come every year,”
like some james dean actor-y type
wearing those clean-cut pinstripe suits
“before october. bring 'em back around
march or so. yes, remember?”
admittedly something seemed familiar
but there could be no protest:
that sleaze nabbed three dozen poppies, too
took off on foot,
me following, waving dish towel
yelling “bastard!”
until all our neighbors stared
obviously not knowing
how much of a bitch
autumn was.
---
Comment away, but the revised version will come much later, if ever: this is for Jabber's contest, which required exactly 100 words and absolutely no repetition of any word (including contractions), which is why it probably seems kind of stilted in places. In addition, it's probably not as clever as I think it is, which never works in my favor.  |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:24 am Post subject: |
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Ooh, I do like this one. The voice is very comfortable, very charming. It sounds almost like I'm just listening to a next-door neighbor talk. I also love the twist about autumn, the way 'he' spoke with an accent and everything, good stuff. My comments are mostly nit-picky, and I doubt I'll preserve your 100-word thingy, but I'll try my best. I didn't even notice that you never repeated a word, and I don't think it ever sounded stilted because of that.
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front garden: he squatted
nonchalantly uprooting pink petunias |
I like the use of the colon after "front garden", first of all. But mostly I have a protest against the word 'nonchalantly'. It sounds odd here and I'd almost prefer this part without it. I think you can show nonchalance better through description than through use of the adjective itself! I find it kind of an awkward word to use in poetry.
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shouting who the hell are
and what would you with my annuals |
Love it. Loooove it. Especially the oddness of the syntax due to the one-time use of "you".
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| like some james dean actor-y type |
"Actor-y" is just awkward. You could just say "actor type", as I think it means the same but sounds better.
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“before october. bring 'em back around
march or so. yes, remember?” |
Nix the "yes".
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| me following, waving dish towel |
Since you can't say "waving A dish towel", I think you might just rearrange to "dish towel waving" and add a comma after.
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obviously not knowing
how much of a bitch
autumn was. |
I feel that the "bitch" is unnecessary here and out-of-place, particularly after the speaker's use of "bastard" a few lines before, which was excellent.
-Colleen |
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Dream Deep
archanděl
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:14 am Post subject: Re: that time of year again |
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Cade, Poetess Extraordinaire, has already made a note of most of the tricky spots, so I suspect that my visit here will be brief and rather useless. Lack of nit-pickery aside, though, I would like to say that I like this quite a bit. Love it, even. It's a pretty little piece, quaint and tidy. ^^
There were some spots where, as you say, it felt a bit... off. Courtesy of the word limit and the rules, of course. Only one minor thing I could find to edit, one which would improve the flow and still maintain the format. A simple, little thing. Observe just how ridiculously simple and little it is.
| Lynlyn wrote: |
that sleaze nabbed three dozen poppies, too
took off on foot,
me following, waving dish towels
yelling “bastard!”
until all our neighbors stared
obviously not knowing
how much of a bitch
autumn was. |
Not that one generally waves multiple dish towels at trespassers, but your sentence comes out proper sans the article. ^^
Really excellent, this.
. . .
EDIT: Reread!
| Cade wrote: |
| Lynlyn wrote: |
obviously not knowing
how much of a bitch
autumn was. |
I feel that the "bitch" is unnecessary here and out-of-place, particularly after the speaker's use of "bastard" a few lines before, which was excellent. |
I'm inclined to disagree with Cade on this point (though you know I love you, Colly <3). I thought this was just about the best possible way one might have gone about wrapping it up; wholly unexpected. And really - when people get angry, disconcerted, flustered, they don't much bother making their swears agree by gender. They just yell things. I think this is a great demonstration of that very human tendency to get worked up in the face of the uncontrollable. |
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Charliebo
Writer
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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hehe! i really, REALLY love this poem! It's amazing, and i really mean it. You have written it with such a great style.
I'm not entirely sure about the title, to be honest - it doesn't really do justice to the poem - but that's just me being picky. Also, there are some funny bits in the poem where punctuation and words are missing. For example...
“ma'am, we come every year,”
like some james dean actor-y type
wearing those clean-cut pinstripe suits
“before october. bring 'em back around
i don't understand this bit at all. What's 'them'? Also, wouldn't it be around october time that this would be happening? Also, maybe consider putting 'around' on the next line - it's a bit confusing, and it stutters the reading a little.
march or so. yes, remember?” again, this doesn't quite seem to make sense. The 'yes' seems out of place, and so does the 'or so'.
That's all, and it's very fixable.
Well done, i'll look out for you other stuff.
Best of luck, and i hope that i've helped a bit.
from charlie. ^^ |
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