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Night Mistress
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 Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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There. I have edited again. I took some of the suggestion and I didn't. Please don't get offensive if i didn't use what you want me to. If you still find something wrong with it, let me know by pm me or leaving another comments. Maybe together we can smooth out the wrinkles of the story. I hope you enjoy the edited version.
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, I felt that the flow was very nice. Smooth and easy to follow 
I did notice a few things, though:
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| It was excruciatingly painful to know that instead of enjoying a good run, I was stuck on a motorbike and traveling at a human pace! we ended up going to the outer limits of the city. |
I think I mentioned this before in your chapter one about combining two weak sentences together to make a strong one. Well, this same concept applies here. This last sentence makes the whole paragraph choppy. Try something like this to make it smoother: …instead of enjoying a good run, I was stuck on a motorbike, traveling at human pace until we reached the outer limits of the city. or something like that. And this goes for your whole piece. I mean, this is basically the only sentence that I noticed but I do that sometimes with my own writing. I go back and see if there are sentences that I could make stronger. Just remember that in the future.
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| He realized that this ride was going to take awhile. |
This is from your MC’s point of view so this sentence is kind of off limits. Try something like: He must have realized… or I noticed that this bike ride was going to take awhile and he must have too… or something like that to show that your MC noticed this piece of info.
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| “One of my sisters dropped me off at the library,” I said, “but I didn’t feel like waiting for her to pick me up, so I wandered around.” |
Okay, is she lying here?? Or telling the truth?? Because I remember you saying something like she ran. But if she is lying, you have to show that. But if she is telling the truth, I guess just leave it the same.
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| “yes. Two sisters and two brothers,” I said, annoyed. |
Capital “y” on “yes”
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| “Wow. Your parents have a hand full then. I am lucky; I only have a little brother,” he stated. |
I think your dialogue is really great but to make it smoother use “I’m” instead of “I am.” It makes it more realistic.
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| “Woodcrest, I believe,” I replied, “why?” |
Two things with this one.
1. Capital “w” on “why”
2. And the thing with “Woodcrest, I believe” makes it sound like she doesn’t know. She is like sixteen or something like that right?? If she is, then she has been going to school for awhile so she has to know the name of her school. Saying that would make it sound like she is new or something and would make Adam suspicious. I would try to make it sound a little less obvious to Adam, but make her sound uneasy, if that is what you are aiming for.
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| “Yeah, I know. You are Adam Hart, son of Lucy and Hugh Hart. You are also the captain of the fencing team,” I stated. |
See, now here, she knows all about this kid but doesn’t know the name of her school? Need to be more consistent with stuff like that. Also, make hints earlier that she knows who he is. In the beginning at her house, it seemed that she had no idea who those kids were. But know, she knows him?? Give subtle hints earlier on so the reader doesn’t get confused.
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| “This is it?” He asked as he eyed the gate. |
Small “h” on “he”
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| It was two stories Victorian style with a wrap around porch. Beside it was a garage that was just as big as the house. |
Awkward in the beginning sentence here. Try: It was a two story Victorian style home with…
For the second one, I would use “had” instead of “was” in the beginning there.
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| I noticed that she had no shoes, so she wasn’t out there long. |
“hadn’t been” instead of “wasn’t”
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| We were greeted with old house smell. The inside of the house look modern and yet had a traditional felt to it. I should heard our feet against the hardwood floor. |
Three different sentences and three different problems.
Sentence # 1: “Old-house smell”?? What does that smell like? Describe that more. It isn’t enough just to say that.
Sentence # 2: “looked” instead of “look.
Sentence # 3: ?? Confusing. Needs a rewrite. I’m not sure what you are trying to say there…
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| “So, what is he? Your boyfriend?” She asked as she sat down on one of the stools. |
Small “s” on “she”
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| I closed my eyes and sighed in joy as the fresh, cool liquid went slipped down my throat. I opened my eyes to see her shurg. |
“shrug” instead of “shurg”
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| “I am just worried about you, even though you are older than me,” she said, voicing her opinion on the situation. |
“I’m” instead of “I am” thing.
Okay, done. Whew!
*wipes brow*
I know I am being super picky and sort of harsh (Sorry  ) But I know that you are correcting big-time now so I knew that you would want a review like this. So I gave it!
Hopefully it helped! |
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andrew.j.m
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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Usually as soon as it becomes apparent that there are people who aren't "human" in a story, I just close the book and look for another.
But not with this one.
I really like how Elizabeth is attracted to Adam, but doesn't want him to know anything about her. |
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jasmine12
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 6:58 pm Post subject: Re: Poison Love - Chapter 2 |
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Adam I'm liking him a little more in this chapter. He isn't as persistant..just attracted to her. Oof...im excited to see what happens between them
Elizabeth Her character is ver well written...there's seriously no flaws that i can really see. haha sorry if that isnt helpful.
Adelicia Interesting name. Something about her makes me want to think shes kind of spunky and like the cooler little sister...yaa kno? If im wrong..well i'll figure it out later. I dont really get why Elizabeth is a little annoyed with her, she seems nice? like friend/aquantence nice. maybe?
Landon Well, I know nothing yet....eerie guy maybe? I dunno.
I'm not really seeing a plot yet...but thats because its only the second chapter....soo there will be no plot review for you...haha
Well, on I read. |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: |
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| i have edited...again. so readers, new and old, enjoy. |
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"you are a Friend. nothing more, nothing less,"
Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 11:40 pm Post subject: |
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This chapter was a lot smoother. I liked how it flowed. Very nicely done
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| The trees were starting to turn pretty colors of orange, red and brown. |
All right, I had to point this out because I think I have mentioned this before. When you write, you have beautiful dialogue and thoughts and emotions. You do so well with that. But I think you need more details outside of those things. Take this sentence for example. You say the leaves are pretty. How are they pretty?? Just them being orange, red, and brown doesn’t really do anything for the reader. Try to expand on those little things. It will really help your story to grow.
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| “It isn’t safe to wander around alone, especially since there is a serial killer on the loose,” he said. |
This was the thing I was going to mention the last time I looked at this but forgot. The serial killer. You need to go into more detail about that. Who is he? Is he a vampire? How does Elizabeth know about it? The reader needs to know these things 
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| My Captian i thought. i was on the fencing too, he just never to interest in me; which was strange, seeing that he was taking interest in me now. |
Okay, this sentence is kind of choppy try something like: My Captain, I thought. I was also on the fencing team but he just never seemed to have any interest in me…which was strange. He was taking an interest in me now. Why doesn’t he recognize me? or something like that. Just make it easier to follow and you’ll be good.
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| I noticed that she had no shoes, so she wasn’t out there long. |
Should be “hadn’t been” instead
As always, beautiful job!
Can’t wait for chapter six! |
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