Young Writers Society - Dazed at Amazement :Chapter 3

News:

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!

Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers

by phantom_blackfire_wings in Storybooks


	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 7, 2008

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:

•Dazed at Amazement :Chapter 1

•Dazed at Amazement: Chapter two

Dazed at Amazement :Chapter 3

Topic ID: 32708

View previous topic :: View next topic

Author

Message

Curlyqpride
Senior Writer

Gender:

Age: 14
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 221
Reviews: 27
Country: U.S.A
300 Points

Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: Dazed at Amazement :Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Landing on Planet Mars --------------------------------------- I came into Mars's house and could smell the febreeze her mom just sprayed all over the room. I took a nice breath. My house always smells like my moms cooking (vegetables, yuck). I dropped my backpack near the door. I could never tell if Mars was rich or not. Her house was so ornate and fancy and all the chairs and tables seemed just too expensive, something you would find over 400 bucks at least. Her living room was large and she had mahogany bookshelves one next to another, when it usually makes more sense to have one. Her T.V was as big as my queen size bed, and she had a hot tub and pool. She lived near a lake and if you leave the backdoor of her gorgeous marble kitchen with a big fridge and oven, you could see a the beautiful view of a sparkling lake. Her house was something straight out of a catalog, that's for sure, and something I was always secretly jealous of. My house was your plain white carpeted small roomed and ugly kitchen house. I walked in inspecting each hand-crafted vase and big plants in pretty little pots gathered everywhere. I went in her living room as we started to try to pick out a movie to watch. That's when I heard footsteps and found Mark by the arch of the doorway to the living room. He stood against the wall. "Can I join you guys?" he kindly asked as he walked inside the living room just a little more. "Mark, we were kind-" I stopped Mars from talking anymore by hitting her back. "I'm fine with it, what do you want to see." again, I was always the nice guest. How could Mars just try to take away her brother from a movie? Mars sighed under her breath, so only I could hear. I knew I angered her slightly but I ignored it. Mark smiled and walked in. I never had noticed how different Mars and Mark looked. I mean, Mark was blonde and had blue eyes, and Marissa had jet black waves and brown eyes. They shared the same skin tone, but other then that he looked completely different from her. He sat down on the couch and fiddled around with his fingers a bit. "We have pop-corn." He kindly offered, "No that's fine Mark." Mars practically shot at him. "Thank you though." I added carefully. "Oh okay." How could a brother be so nice? My brother was always a jerk, and most others completely ignored their younger sisters, but most of all, how could Mars talk to Mark like that? It surprises me, which is why I always put in something nice to say. "What do you want to watch Mark?" I asked. "Whatever you guys want to watch, it's fine with me." "Okay." I pulled out a movie a guessed no one would mind, I picked out "Shrek". I pulled it out there DVD shelf and put it in their DVD player. I put on play and threw the remote over to Mars. She played the movie and I sat on the sofa a cushion away from Mark. He began to fidget with his fingers again. "I'm going to make pop-corn, hold on" He ran to the kitchen and you could hear the microwave pop open. "Pause the movie Mars" I insisted. "No, he'll be wight back" she declared. I grabbed the remote right out of her hands and paused. "Al'ight, your the guest, but as the guest, may you bring three sodas over to the coffee table?" Mars smiled. "sure." I walked over to the kitchen to see Mark making 3 bowls of pop-corn. I couldn't help but admire what he was doing. He carefully poured the pop-corn in each bowl to make everything equal. I noticed the different plastic colored bowls. One was yellow, the other was green and blue. I noticed the mounds of pop-corn he started to put in the blue bowl..It was probably his bowl, I mean I know how guys are with food. I went to the fridge and grabbed three cans of sodas and walked back to the living room and sat down. Mark came back holding the three bowls. He handed me the blue bowl.... Maybe he didn't notice the difference in amount of popcorn compared to the blue bowl and the others, so I ignored the mistake. Mark smiled at me, "Is their anything else you want Gwen?" "No it's fine, thank you" I suddenly was overcome by memories of Ted smiling at me too, but it is different. The smile was more of a smile you would make after you laugh, Marks was just a sweet smile. "Hello? Were on earth Gwen, Remember?" Mars laughed. "Sorry" I laughed. I had never felt so weird in Mars's house before. The awkward level was atleast at a 6 and a half right now, and I felt I need somewhere to breath. "I'm going to go to the bathroom." I blurted out. "Aww, thanks fo' sharing Gwen" Mars laughed. At that ,Mark burst out laughing and his hair completely flung forward on top of his forehead. I smiled. "Haha, what are you laughing at Mark?, I'm human, I need to pee too." I giggled. Mark kept laughing, and I felt the awkward radar go way down as he laughed. I headed to the bathroom. "Make sure to wash your hands!" He burst out. I stuck my tongue out at him.. Awkward level reached 2.
Last edited by Curlyqpride on Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:09 pm; edited 4 times in total

shelbell
Junior Writer

Gender:

Age: 17
Joined: 27 Jun 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 15

300 Points

Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:38 pm Post subject:

Once again Curlyqpride, I like it. It's interesting. I can kind of see where its going, yet want to see where you take it. Your description was really great, especally of the house (the smell thing was good). It's going well.
A few things to work on.

A few awkward sections...

Quote:

I could never tell if Mars was rich or not. Her house was so ornate and fancy and all the chairs and tables seemed just too expensive, something you would find over 400 bucks at least.
Her living room was large and she had mahogany bookshelves one next to another, when it usually makes more sense to have one. Her T.V was as big as my queen size bed, and she had a hot tub and pool.
She lived near a lake and if you leave the backdoor of her gorgeous marble kitchen with a big fridge and oven, you could see a the beautiful view of a sparkling lake.

Her house was something straight out of a catalog, that's for sure, and something I was always secretly jealous of. My house was your plain white carpeted small roomed and ugly kitchen house.

I think this could be reworked, unless you were going for something specific with it. If you want, you could start with what you have "I could never tell...at least." Then the catalog quote, followed by desribing her house, then the part about the MC's house. I think this may improve the flow of that section, as well as the structure.

Quote:

I walked in inspecting each hand-crafted vase and big plants in pretty little pots. I walked in her living room as we started to try to pick out a movie to watch.

The "I walked in..." starting both sentances makes it kind of awkward. You could combine the sentences or change the beginning of one.

Also, some grammer things...
Like the quote punctuation. (Sorry about me keep bringing this us, but I'm into journalism so quote punctation is like my forte) In my other review for you, I wrote about this so I don't want to rewrite it for you, but if you want a hand with that you know how to reach me. Very Happy

Other than that, another good story. If you need anything, you know how to reach me (as I mentioned before). Smile

Sam
starface
Epic Novelist

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4920
Reviews: 1251
Country: 'mreeka
446 Points

Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:08 am Post subject:

Yay! Curlyq! ^_^

Like I mentioned with the last chapter, I still can't get over at how relate-able these characters odd. It's kind of insane--most people when they're writing romances make every character very beautiful or smart or whatever, and we have no chance of finding these people in real life. So! *high fives* Good job for going against the crowd.

REACTIONS

...chemical, allergic, you know the drill. Add in stimuli and what happens?--that's something you need to answer as a writer. When you're writing in first person, it's especially important that we know not only what your main character sees, but what she thinks about it, as well. That's the fun of first person, and something to cherish and snuggle.

I know how Gwen reacts around boys, but what about Mars? How does being in Mars' house make her feel? Does she feel gross around Mars, or is it the other way around? We know a lot about Mark/Ted, but we don't know a lot about Mars--and considering that Gwen spends the most time around Mars, it should be the other way around.

DIALOGUE RULES!

It does! But only if you punctuate it correctly. Here's my favorite dialogue rule book of all time, written by Snoink:

Quote:

“That sucks,” he said.

“That sucks!” he said.

“Does that suck?” he said.

“That sucks,” he said, slapping his knee.

“That sucks!” he said, slapping his knee.

“Does that suck?” he said, tilting his head.

“That sucks.” He slapped his knee.

“That sucks!” He slapped his knee.

“Does that suck?” He tilted his head.

“I think,” he said, “that sucks.”

Easy peasy. ^_^ And just by putting periods where they go, it's ten times easier to read your piece.

___

Thanks again for the read, Curlyq--poke me if you have questions or have the next bit up.

_________________
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.

- Boris Yeltsin

ashleylee
You belong with me
Master of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points

Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject:

This was cute! I read all three chapters today and I must say I enjoyed it immensely. However, I felt the first chapter moved WAY too fast for my taste. It was like minute, here and Ted were on speaking terms and next she was saying she was in love…it was like, whoa, hold on a minute! So I suggest you slow that down. Also, I noticed that the thing with Mark was cute but kind of forced. I guess that something like this would happen by the second chapter even before I read this one. I mean, it seemed like the likable thing to happen. And did Mars known that Mark had a crush on your MC?? Or was that just a stupid assumption of mine?? Other than that, I will look out for the next installments!
_________________ -Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart- ~William Wordsworth

This thread was created on July 7, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction	All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

Jump to:

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum

This thread was created on July 7, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo

Bartemius says, Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh. - Homer Simpson