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Piano Forte
Piano Forte

by Winter's Twelfth Night in Historical Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 7, 2008
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Secret Series Book 1: New beginnings

Secret Series Book 1: New beginnings: chapter 2

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JADEREDNALIH   View This User's Portfolio
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324 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:05 pm    Post subject: Secret Series Book 1: New beginnings: chapter 2 Reply with quote

Simone is another student who is on her way to S.X.T. (Simon X. Tierney boarding school for the talented). The first chapter was about jade and this is Simone

Chapter 2- Simone

Simone Tierney walked down the sidewalk of her neighbor hood. Thoughts of the upcoming school year filled her head. Noticing the car full of girls driving up behind her she kept her head down.

"See you at school, Mrs. Teacher-Suck up." Briana, a girl from Simone's school was driving in her Daddy’s mustang with about five other girls. Simone's Dad owns the Simon X. Tierney Boarding School for the Talented. He named it after he when she was born. They also have an elementary Day school on the other side of town, where Simone went up until last year, her freshman year at Simon. Whenever Simone got in trouble or sent to the Dean for sleeping in class her Dad always gave an excuse for her. When the other students found this out they started calling her a suck up. Now its Mrs. Teacher suck up. As childish as it sounds, all the seniors and upper classmen call her that. she glanced at them out of the corner of her eyes. She lifted her head in a confident way and kept walking

As she walked up the steps toward her house Simone looked into one of the large windows. A boy, Simone had met some years ago, was standing in her living room. Pausing before she opened the door she thought of Devin Douglas (or D as everyone called him.) He had been going to Simon for the last nine years. When Simone had first met him her first grade year she'd fallen in love. Of course, her parents told her that it was only puppy love. Devin has never treated her like anything more than a younger sister.

She walked into the house.

"Mone!" Devin bounced across the room and picked her up at the waist.

"Hey, Devin. Can you put me down please?" Simone has always been afraid of heights, never liking to have her feet off the ground.

"No!"

"Devin please, I'm scared. Something you should already know." She was now close to tears. Devin just laughed and smiled at her. He pretended to drop her and smirked. Simone shrieked and her face looked terrified.

"Don't you trust me?" Now Devin’s face had fell and his emotions were showing through his voice.

"It's not that! It's that you know I’m scared! Please put me down!"

"Iight! Just tryna have some fun."

"Nice greeting." She said angrily. He glared at her as he slid her to the floor, keeping his arms around her.

"Sure!" She pulled him tighter and closed her eyes. Devin softly brushed his lips against hers. She opened her eyes in shock and mock anger. Devin’s eyes were wide as if he were more surprised at himself

"Simone?" Michael's voice was behind her. Micheal, her boyfriend of one year, was leaning against the door jam.

"Hey" Simone kept her head against Devin’s chest.

"Simone? Can i talk to you?" He then left out the front door. Simone looked up at Devin for a few more seconds.

"You should go out there before he starts getting suspicious."

"Of what?"

"Umm... hey I’m gonna go talk to yo Poppi so we can hit the road. Oh, and we taking Micheal wit us this time. So don’t be alarmed." He then unwrapped his arms from around her and walked out the door. She stood there silently. 'Micheal, Devin and I' She thought to herself. She then walked out the house.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Micheal was sitting on the concrete white seat in the middle of the garden.

"Micheal? What’s wrong?" Micheal didn't even turn and acknowledge that she was standing there.

"I know."

"You know what?" Simone began to panic in her head.

"That your in love with Devin." Simone gasped and finally Micheal turned and looked at her. "It's fine, I've known for a couple of weeks now." He patted the bench beside him. Simone came and strandled the bench, facing him.

"I'm sorry... I just."

"No! Don't apologize. I understand how much i get in the way. I see the way you look at him. I see the way he looks at you." Simone looked up at him confused.

"What?"

"You haven't noticed? Devin can't even tell you he loves you he likes you (I don't know how deep the feeling is.)"

"Well, why not?"

"His parents. They have him all set up to marry Charmaine. ( you know who that is don't you?) He doesn't even like her like that any more. What their parents don't know is that they broke it off a month ago and ended it on a friend note. But he loves you and there’s nothing you or his parents can do about it now. I saw that he kissed you in the foyer when you came in. He's starting to get bold. If you guys do decided to come out the closet with y'all relationship be prepared to face conspiracies with y'all parents."

"So... Are you breaking up wit me?"

"I think it's more of... lets do it like Devin and Charmaine did. We could just end this on a friend note. How bout that?"

"That's fine with me. Thanks for... I don't even know what to say." She fell forward towards his chest and gave him a hug. Then she looked up and kissed his cheek. "Your a great friend for doing this."

"My pleasure, hate to see you in pain-lest it be emotional or physical." He said smiling.

"Thanks." Simone rose up from the bench and walked off. Almost out of sight Simone turned and stopped

"Micheal?"

"Yeah?"

"You coo?"

"Yeah, I'm iight you happy?"

"Yeah... Michael?"

"Hmm?"

"Who is she?"

"Briana."

"Briana Brotts, Queen B?" She was stunned.

"Yeah, surprising Huh?"

"Little bit, she doesn't sound like your dream girl but thanks see ya later... when we leave."

"What! Chase told you about my dream girl? Mann, I'm gonna kill him. Anyways, I'm not going wit y'all anymore. I'm goin wit Chase."

"Hmm, iight bye,"She giggled as she watched him shyly.

"Bye have fun wit Devin and don't forget what i said. Be yourself, your great."

"Thanks." Simone walked around the house and towards Devin who was waiting in front of his car.

"Micheal's not comin?" Devin looked behind her questioningly.

" No he said he's going with Chase."

"Hmm...well then, Vamos, Chica, Vamos" They both climbed into the car. Wink


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alwaysawriter   View This User's Portfolio
is back to writing and critiquing.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 11:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
her she kept her head
Comma after Her.

Quote:
Teacher-Suck up
Teacher Suck-Up

Quote:
school was
Comma after School.

Quote:
Day
Don't capitalize.

Quote:
Mrs. Teacher suck up
Mrs. Teacher Suck-Up

Quote:
she glanced
Capitalize the first letter of the first word.

Quote:
A boy, Simone had met some years ago,
No commas.

Quote:
Hey"
Period.

Quote:
Can i talk to you
Capitalize I.

Quote:
Oh, and
No comma.

Quote:
Oh, and we taking Micheal wit us this time. So don’t be alarmed."
Combine those two sentences.

Quote:
i get in the
Capitalize I.

Quote:
he loves you he likes you
Take one of those out.

Quote:
( you know who that is don't you?)
Take that out.

Quote:
"Your
You are.

Quote:
My pleasure, hate
Semi-colon instead of a comma.

Quote:
coo
Cool.

Quote:
iight you happy
Comma after iight.

Quote:
surprising Huh
Comma after surprising.

Quote:
"What!
What?!

Quote:
I'm goin wit Chase."
Going with.
Quote:
Hmm, iight bye,"She giggled as she watched him shyly.
No comma.
Quote:
"Bye have fun wit Devin and don't forget what i said. Be yourself, your great."
Comma after bye, put the H on with, capitalize I, semi-colon after Yourself and You're.
Quote:
"Micheal's not comin?" Devin looked behind her questioningly.
Commin'.
Quote:
" No he said he's going with Chase."
Semi-colon after No.

The dialects bothered me. I can't tell the setting or have any idea where the main character is. The two dialects are conflicting, basically. Pick one and stick to it. Smile

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Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out
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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think Always got most of the nitpicks, so I'll just stick to the overall style...

You switch from past to present tense, and back, a lot. It's bad grammar, as well as being obnoxious for anyone that's reading. So pick one, and make sure everything you say is in that tense.

The actual story was pretty shabby, everything was rushed, and you don't make it any better by also switching back and forth with accents. You don't describe really anything, punctuation is - at best - painfully scant, and the characters... really aren't there.

First, dialogue needs to be less nonsensical. Stop *just* writing it, and try to put it in like you were talking to someone yourself.

A story is a lot like a card tower, in many ways. Dialogue is leaning on character development, and also description, both of which are leaning on grammar and punctuation, and those two are leaning on a plot line. At this point, your card tower is very wobbly. The plot line is weak, your grammar and punctuation need definite work, and I really don't even want to start on character development and description.

So, here are a few tips to bring everything up to par:

Dialogue - Character Development - Description

Well, here's the interesting thing. Your dialogue should always make sense with the character who speaks, and so neither can 'be' without the other. Try to picture your characters, what they talk like, their quirks, their smiles - etc.

Grammar and Punctuation.

Always go over your stories at least once or twice before posting. It saves eye sores, frustration, and confusion. Spell check, re-read, and so on. The more you check, the less people have to nitpick. Happier all around. =D

Plot line

There isn't much of one, at this point, and what there is happens to be sketchy, confusing, and rushed. Slow down! Make things clearer, less cliche, and more realistic. You'll draw thorough reviewers.

Well, good luck! I know you can improve.

-SELA

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