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This thread was created on July 6, 2008

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•Dazed at Amazement: Chapter two

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Dazed at Amazement :Chapter 1

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Curlyqpride
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Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: Dazed at Amazement :Chapter 1

Dazed at Amazment. --------------------------------------------------------------- Ted Weller: he's not the 'star of the football team', he's average humor and someone to make you smile. His scruffy light brown hair and tan complexion is only a part that makes him gorgeous. Not to mention his light green eyes and a swimmer's body always hidden underneath a light t-shirt or hoodie. I always hid behind a book and snuck peaks at him when he would turn around. It wasn't until somewhere in January he said hi to me and we went into conversation about the next math assignment. It's so interesting how far you can carry the subject of math when you with someone like Ted. Not all the girls like him, but I can assure there is a group of them that casually wait by his locker to mess around. I finally put my book down and I casually joked around. "I think Mr. Galloth is seriously smoking something. Everyday he comes to class with that creepy barbie smile on his face." I cringed and laughed. "I know! The guy is like what, 43? I'm surprised the police didn't send a search team to go through his 'Pencil Cabinets'" Ted quoted. I laughed loud and Ted smiled like he should take a bow. Even when his jokes are lame, they always come out funny...But that's not the reason I always laugh. My name is Gwen Hail. I'm a fun loving spirited girl with lots of different friends. I'm considered funny in a kind of 'crack head' sorta way but I've never seemed to mind. I have dark brown hair in crazy but cute curls and I'm always wearing the normal and yet stylish hollister baby doll shirts and faded jeans or skirts. Just you'r average 14 year old girl. After class I ran to my locker and practically threw it open. I grabbed my lunch and made a run for Teds locker. I wasn't going to talk to him, I was just going to walk by and smile before he rushed to lunch...Too bad he already gone to lunch..Dangit. I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder and I got a tinge of excitement as I turned around..But it was just Marissa. "I saw you talking to Ted today!" She exclaimed. "Shhh! God Mars, not so loud! For all you know he is right behind us!" "Sowry, I didn't know you were being all 'secret' about it" She mumbled. "Oh no! Of course not! So instead I'll just shout it to the whole world!" Marissa, who I know as Mars since 5th grade smiled and laughed. She tied up her wavy black hair in a bun, and started to walk over to the lunchroom with me. It always kinda sucked to always have to mention my feelings for Ted to Mars and for her to just listen. She's not what you call boy crazy and she instead would follow along to every word I would say and hang onto it....Like a really good friend who need a boy to talk about too, but of course, it's considered just ridiculous to need things, right? Me and Ted were just pals as I saw it so far. Days and days went by and so did a few sparks in my stomach. I couldn't tell how I started to like him so fast, and it only grew by the minute. I was in the situation of maybe thinking it was love or just being attracted to him. So that is January, and now It's a sunny May, because all my days go by and nothing new really happens, just new homework, new substitutes and new lunch items, but the events stay all the same. My conversations with Ted haven't changed one bit, and he keeps sending mixed signals...Guys are just way too confusing. Well for one, he smiles at you and it just makes your heart want to melt, but at the same time you think that has become obvious to him, them you start worrying about him noticing your true feelings and then you figure out that it's a total turnoff for guys to know that a girl likes them..Well just some guys, like Ted...Really only the cute ones..So conversations become more awkward and less funny, and things just go completely borderline. I just feel I'm going crazy. So could that mean I'm in love, and I completely want to slap myself across the face every time I babble non-sense..I have been living in some sort of fantasy to be with my first boyfriend, he asks me out, and I say "Yes", but it just has to be way more complicated then that...I wonder if guys find girls confusing too.
Last edited by Curlyqpride on Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:34 pm; edited 7 times in total

Sam
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Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:53 pm Post subject:

Hey, curlyqpride! Welcome to YWS. ^_^ I'm certain someone else will bark at you for this, too--but we have this thing (some might call it an obsession) about having two critiques for every piece that you post. Why? That way, people don't flood the forums with their stuff, and everyone gets critiqued. It's a win-win situation. If you're a bit scared of critiquing, you can check out the thread in the 'writing tips' forum for some...tips. Yay! A cute story. ^_^ I liked how your main character had normal problems--most people like to make their stories "gritty" or "real" and it's just not very convincing. I could relate to your main character, and she has curly hair! Huzzah! I cut all mine off, but trust me, I'm obsessive about character hair, too. XD LOVE IS A GAME The one thing that I noticed about your story was, though your main character and her love interest were cute, I weren't really rooting for them. You have to think about love in stories like a game--your main character is competing for the boy, who is the trophy. She has to have some incentive to win, and we have to like her enough to root for her over all the other characters. Uhm...let's see. Have you read the Clique books? Think of Claire and Cam Fischer--we root for Claire because Massie and the gang are so mean to her, even though we know that she's nice and all of those things. We want her to win Cam, who is sweet and weird, just like her, and who is cooler. If she wins over Cam, she gets the perks of dating one of the soccer-team guys, which would boost her popularity. Making sure we root for your characters is important, especially in a story where the romance is the only thing we have to go by. It's what makes romance novels so hard to write--their success is completely based on whether or not your readers like your characters, and that's a difficult thing to do. NORMA NORMAL The one thing that I thought was kind of odd in this story was that you were trying to constantly prove that your character was "normal". While that might be what you strive for in real life, it's not what most guys strive for, and it's not what readers strive for, either. Quick! Review what I said in the section above. Will the average horse win the race? ...probably not. You can make your character appear normal, but inside, she has to be weird, or your readers lose interest. __ Thanks for the read, curlyqpride! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or have another piece you want me to look at. ^_^
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Clo
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Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:42 am Post subject:

Welcometo YWS! *hugs and cookies*

Sam makes good points about two reviews and plot, so I'll be the grammar-and-style queen.

Quote:

Ted Weller, he's not the 'star of the football team', he's average humor and someone to make you smile.

Since you state the subject of the descriptions at the beginning like that, I suggest a colon after his name. Like: "Ted Weller: he's not the star of the football team", or do it like this: "Ted Weller is not the star of the football team". After this, you need a period. PERIOD. The next sentences is missing some must words, which are in bold: "He has an average sense of humor and is someone to make you smile."

Quote:

His scruffy light brown hair and tan complextion [<-- spellcheck this] is only a part that makes him gorgeous

Instead of "part of that makes" it should be "part of what makes".

Quote:

Light green eyes and a swimmers body always hidden underneath a light t-shirt or hoodie

This is what is called a fragment. You need to phrase it like this, just for example: "Not to mention his light green eyes and...". Also, swimmers needs to be possessive: "swimmer's". And if they're always hidden, then how does she know what they look like? Gym class? Word of mouth? It's best to mention these sort of details.

Quote:

It was until somewhere in Janurary he said hi to me and we went into conversation about the next math assighment

"It wasn't until". And then: "THAT he said hi to me".

Quote:

when you with someone like Ted

When you are with.

TENSES: At the beginning of the story you are saying "is" and "says" and "likes". Then you switch abruptly to past tense, "said" and "quoted". You have to stick with one tense throughout a story: past or present.

Quote:

Teds locker

Make it possessive. It's HIS locker. This calls for an apostrophe S. So: "Ted's locker". See the difference?

Quote:

"I saw you talking to Ted today!" She exclaimed.

"She" should not be capitalized. Only pronouns after dialogue are capitalized. "she exclaimed".

So you have some grammar things to work out. I know it's a pain, but they help make your story more readable. Keep writing! Remember to edit, edit, edit! It's part of being a writer.

Thank you for the read, hope to see more from you!

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Curlyqpride
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Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:53 am Post subject:

Thank you for the corrections! Since I'm new can someone explain to me how to add chapters? Thank you! And please leave more opinion!

Bittersweet
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Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 8:14 pm Post subject:

Hey Miss Curly Q! Very Happy

Anyway, I might be correcting everything that has already been corrected, because I was too lazy to read the other reviews first... heh. Sorry.

Quote:

Ted Weller: he's not the 'star of the football team', he's average humor and someone to make you smile.

This sentence is a bit awkward. Try something like: Ted Weller wasn't the 'star of the football team' or anything. He had an average humor and was someone who made you smile. That sounds a tidge better, hmm? Of course, you can to change it up some to make it your own and not Holly's. I also noticed that the first paragraph is told in present tense, with things like "he is", and then the rest of the story isn't in that tense, but the "he was" stuff. You see what I mean? So you might want to fix that.

Quote:

Not to mention his light green eyes and a swimmer's body always hidden underneath a light t-shirt or hoodie.

If his swimmer's bod is always hidden, how does she know how swimmer-bodyish it is? Wink

Also, green eyes and brown hair is so dreamy! Hee hee.

Quote:

It's so interesting how far you can carry the subject of math when you with someone like Ted.

I think you mean "you're" in the place of "you".

Quote:

but I can assure there is a group of them

You may want want to put a "you" in between "assure" and "there".

Quote:

"I think Mr. Galloth is seriously smoking something. Everyday he comes to class with that creepy barbie smile on his face." I cringed and laughed.

Hahahaha!!! But you might want to explain why she cringed, because it took me a minute to figure out why. Also, it might add some to the humor if you had her imitate Mr. Galloth. Everyone loves imitations. 'Specially good ones.

Quote:

I'm surprised the police didn't send a search team to go through his 'Pencil Cabinets'"

Er... I feel like I'm missing the humor in this...

Quote:

I laughed loud and Ted smiled like he should take a bow.

Hmm... the "like he should take a bow" part is a little awkwardly phrased. What if he actually did bow? He sounds like he's a joker, and that might make it a little more obvious.

Quote:

My is Gwen Hail. I'm a fun loving spirited girl with lots of different friends. I'm considered funny in a kindname of 'crack head' sorta way but I've never seemed to mind.
I have dark brown hair in crazy but cute curls and I'm always wearing the normal and yet stylish hollister baby doll shirts and faded jeans or skirts. Just you'r average 14 year old girl.

I don't like how suddenly we're off the subject of Ted and now we're being rambled to about Gwen. This is far too 'telly' and not enough 'showy'. A good way to describe the person telling a story is having them in front of a mirror or something and then you can go into an explanation. Just make sure it's clean and polished, because describing those things can start getting a little boring.... As for the personality describing, that shouldn't be told in this kind of way. We should learn these things without being told right off the bat. We should get to know her character through dialogue and her thoughts.

Quote:

before he rushed to lunch...Too bad he already gone to lunch..Dangit.

Um... that's a weird sentence. How about: ...before he rushed to lunch. But when I got there, he was already gone. Dang it.

Quote:

I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder and I got a tinge of excitement as I turned around..But it was just Marissa

Okay, take out the ".." because it should be "..." but even then, there is no need for them at all. Maybe put "my friend" before Marissa, too.

Quote:

"I saw you talking to Ted today!" She exclaimed.

When writing things like "he said" "she said" after dialogue, NEVER begin the "he" or "she" with a capital letter. In writing, it should look like this: "I saw you talking to Ted today!" she exclaimed. Never ever a capitalized "he", "she" or anything of the like!

Quote:

"Sowry, I didn't know you were being all 'secret' about it" She mumbled.

Is the "sowry" needed? Can't it just be "Sorry"? Also, here's another important thing about writing. After dialogue and you're putting a "she said" thing afterward, you ALWAYS want to put an apostrophe between the last word of dialogue and the quotes, unless the sentence needs an exclamation mark or a question mark. So your sentence would look like so: "Sorry, I didn't know you were being all 'secret' about it," she mumbled. See the difference?

Quote:

Like a really good friend who need a boy to talk about too, but of course, it's considered just ridiculous to need things, right?

Uh... what?

Quote:

So that is January, and now It's a sunny May, because all my days go by and nothing new really happens, just new homework, new substitutes and new lunch items, but the events stay all the same.

There are much tidier ways to show that time has passed. Like: The months passed quickly, and in no time it was May. My days went by and nothing really new happened; just new homework and new substitutes, but events staying the same.

Anyway, there's all that...

SUGGESTIONS

I think you definitely need to start reading like a writer and less than just a reader. Notice punctuation, sentence structure, stuff like that. It benefits a lot in writing and makes it much better.

Work on character development. There are several ways you can learn more about your characters and show us more about them. I don't feel any real attachment to the characters as a reader should. PM if you'd like a Character Development worksheet. It's a bit more vague than others I've worked with, but a lot of times it helps.

You need a lot more of dialogue in this. What happens between Ted and Gwen isn't explained, really. All of the sudden, time passes and she's pretty much in love with him. But there's no foundation to that love... we have no idea what happened in those passed months between the two of them. We want to know! It is a romance after all!

WHAT I LIKED

It was very realistic and cute. I feel like Ted, Gwen, and Mars are still characters that need to bloom, but once they do, I see a lot of potential, and I think they are characters that your readers will love and enjoy. Gwen's feelings are perfect, and the mood you've set in this piece is perfect for the story; light-hearted, cute, sweet, and the like. Your story needs work, but once polished, it will be an excellent romance! Smile

I'll see if I can make it to the other chapters. I would very much like to help you with those as well!

Holly

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ashleylee
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:46 pm Post subject:

Hello Curlyqpride! I skimmed over the chapters again...and I still feel that chapter one is too fast. I feel that one moment they are just meeting and next your MC is in love. Try to expand this. Umm, chapter two is good. Nothing really wrong with that. Chapter three is still my favortie out of the three! Now I do have a few things to chit-chat about: Oh, those bloody emotions! Emotions of your characters is key. But I feel that sometimes, I feel like I am in the dark. You need to expand those. You need to help us get into your characters head and help us see what makes them tick. Details. It is all about the Details I find that details really pull a piece of literature together...but you really don't describe much in your three installments. Try to add more with what the places look like. I think you do well with the characters. I am really quite fond of all of them because you make them so realistic and lovable! But you do need to describe other things beside them. Those Wonderful Things! Your story is really cute! Everytime I read it, I like it more and more. You have a very good plot. Just slow down the beginning, add a few details here and there, and you'll be good! Keep writing!
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Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:59 pm Post subject:

I have enclosed a document with critiques in it. I hope it helps you out & if you have any questions to ask or anything then just PM me Smile

I enjoyed this & I'm going to read the rest of them!
Really hope this helps,
Lucyy xx

Chapter One.doc

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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 2:21 pm Post subject:

Hiya! Well, I think all the grammar stuff has been covered already, so I won't even go there. This was good, but it was a little hard to read because of the short, choppy paragraphs, rocky transitions, and random explanations thrown in about people's hair (don't get me wrong; hair is awesome.) I felt that this was rushed and could be spaced over several chapters, just getting to know the characters. Before I learn about Ted, I want to learn about Gwen. Show the reader her personality by how she talks, thinks, and acts. I'd also like to see some setting description here. What does the school look like? Maybe don't introduce so many characters in chapter one. You talk about Ted, Gwen, the teacher, and Mars, but you don't give the reader time to get to know them. My suggestion: focus exclusively on Gwen for chapter one. This doesn't mean you can't talk about Ted, but first draw me into your main character's mind. One quick nit-pick: You say that Ted has a swimmer's body. Are you sure you mean that? Swimmer's have REALLY broad shoulders and itty bitty legs--well, not all of them, but that's the typical swimmer body. Maybe some other kind of sport? Basically, I'd like to see you give more concrete detail and action description. Other than that, this was very good, and I'm definitely going to keep reading stuff from your portfolio.
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Curlyqpride
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 7:27 pm Post subject:

Woah fangala! Where'd you find this old hunk of junk? LOL, this is my first and suckish lol. But ur suggestions make alot of sense! I know now not to create this ever again!
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Stella Thomas
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: Re: Dazed at Amazement :Chapter 1

Bonjour, Curly! Stella ici!

Wow... just saw that this is from a while back. Oh well. I'm determined to give it a full critique anywho. I liked it Very Happy

I. NITPICKS

Quote:

Ted Weller: he's not the 'star of the football team', he's average humor and someone to make you smile. His scruffy light brown
hair and tan complexion is only a part that makes him gorgeous. Not to mention his light green eyes and a swimmer's body always hidden underneath a light t-shirt or hoodie.

Whatup with the paragraph halfway through? That said, he reminds me of somebody... the only thing is the "swimmer's body" thing, 'cause it makes you think that he is "star of the football team". You could say "not a bad body" or something. Also "is only a part?" "Are only parts," surely?

Quote:

It wasn't until somewhere in January he said hi to me and we went into conversation about the next math assignment.

said "hi" to me. Also reminds me of someone.

Quote:

It's so interesting how far you can carry the subject of math when you with someone like Ted.

When you're with.

Quote:

'Pencil Cabinets'" Ted quoted.

'Pencil Cabinets,'" Ted quoted.

Quote:

Just you'r average 14 year old girl.

Just your. She reminds me of me, I have exactly the same hair, and people have the same attitude towards me.

Quote:

Teds locker.

Ted's locker.

Quote:

"I saw you talking to Ted today!" She exclaimed.

she exclaimed. Small "s."

Quote:

"Sowry, I didn't know you were being all 'secret' about it" She mumbled.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were being all 'secret' about it," she mumbled.

Quote:

Marissa, who I know as Mars since 5th grade smiled and laughed.

who I've known as Mars.

Quote:

It always kinda sucked to always

Don't repeat "always"

Quote:

Like a really good friend who need a boy to talk about too,

who needs

Okay.

II. PUNCTUATION

It's hard. It seriously is. Don't get put out by that fact. We all get mixed up. I get mixed up more than a lot of people.

Okay. So:

"It's not your fault" said Ellie. isn't right.

Nor is "It's not your fault." said Ellie.

But:

"It's not your fault," said Ellie.

Speeches have to end with a piece of punctuation, okay? So:

But you can't end with a full stop if you have a speech tag on the end. A speech tag is like "said Ellie." You see, if there's a speech tag, your sentence hasn't ended. Make sense?

So instead of a full stop, we put a comma in. Question marks and exclamations are fine too.

Always start a new paragraph when someone new speaks. And the speech tag shouldn't begin with a capital letter, because it's not a new sentence. See?

Or have I been even more confusing?

Also, you've put in some unnecessary line breaks. I think these might just be slip ups when you're double spacing, just watch out. Easy mistake.

III. SHOW AND TELL

You've been on YWS a while, so you probably know the old cliché. Show us Ted. Show us Gwen. You did a good job with showing us Mars. Now show us the rest. Don't tell us about them. That said, Gwen's little self-conscious introduction was nice.

IV. OVERALL

I really liked it, because Gwen reminds me of me, right down to the hair. Except I don't wear Hollister, it's very D4... not as bad as Abercrombie (I have a deal with a friend who can shoot me if I wear Abercrombie... no offence to anyone who wears it, but here, it sort of puts you into a certain category I don't want to be in). Ted also reminds me of my friend who I really, really like -except he has brown eyes, not green Very Happy

. So because of that, I'm interested to see where this will go. In that way, you managed to make your characters realistic to me, they're normal people, not stereotypical characters.

If you make corrections and PM me, I'll give you a gold star Very Happy

-Stella x

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Sakah
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Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:26 am Post subject:

Quote:

It always kinda sucked to always have to mention my feelings for Ted to Mars and for her to just listen. She's not what you call boy crazy and she instead would follow along to every word I would say and hang onto it....Like a really good friend who need a boy to talk about too, but of course, it's considered just ridiculous to need things, right?

I don't quite understand what you meant by that. The second sentence was a little too wordy and confusing.

It's a pretty cute story so far because I can definitely relate with Gwen (being a bit boy-crazy)

Quote:

"I think Mr. Galloth is seriously smoking something. Everyday he comes to class with that creepy barbie smile on his face." I cringed and laughed.

"I know! The guy is like what, 43? I'm surprised the police didn't send a search team to go through his 'Pencil Cabinets'" Ted quoted.

Haha, I like this dialouge - it's very natural and humorous! I think a few more conversations between Gwen and Ted would develop their relationship (and maybe even characters.)

All in all, it sounds like a story I'd like to read ^-^

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