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This thread was created on July 5, 2008
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Topic ID: 32605
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Krupp
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 281
Reviews: 88
Country: Where US elections and election enthusiasts won't bother me...
392 Points
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 Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 7:40 pm Post subject: A Foggy Glass: Chapter 3 |
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| A vague topic description, but it will make sense as you read the chapter anyway. Picks up from where the first two chapters leave off. Michael Bane is going to what he considers to be his 'home': |
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We can't stop here. This is bat country!" |
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colourless-rainbow
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 9
Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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oh this is great.
I'm loving it.
There were a few bits that felt too wordy, and I still feel that you need to settle on how your individual characters speak. Some of the time one of them with say "ya" and then other times they say "you."
There were also a few clumsy wordings but I've altered them in the attachment.
Really, it's a great piece, and I'm hooked.
It just needs a bit of tightening up in places.  |
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Krupp
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 281
Reviews: 88
Country: Where US elections and election enthusiasts won't bother me...
392 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:25 pm Post subject: |
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| Much obliged. I'll keep that in mind when a new part gets put out... |
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spaced_out
Writer
Gender:
Age: 11
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 78
Reviews: 11
Country: USA!
315 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:07 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I had no idea what to change, so I'll tell it to you like it is.
first.
you had lots of things you should have.
You got all the basic stuff.
2ND.
what you need is more action, adventure, FUN.
then if you heed me advise, you may be well on your way to creating this GREAT story.
MATT |
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CastlesInTheSky
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 103
Reviews: 35
Country: England
405 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 10:36 pm Post subject: Re: A Foggy Glass: Chapter 3 |
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| Krupp wrote: |
| A vague topic description, but it will make sense as you read the chapter anyway. Picks up from where the first two chapters leave off. Michael Bane is going to what he considers to be his 'home': |
I loved it. |
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| This thread was created on July 5, 2008 |
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