Moriah Leila
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 117
Reviews: 55
Country: United States
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:56 am Post subject: |
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I think this is a great beginning. Your plot is very strong and your characters are interesting. However, I would like more of a physical description of Noel and her parents.
Some other suggestions:
I apologize if I repeat something that has already been covered, I did not have the time to read the other critiques.
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| Lend time to consumer her. |
Consume
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| hungrily eye the babe along side him. |
Hungrily eyed the babe alongside him.
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| Only he doesn’t teacher about letters and numbers.” |
Teach. And I thought that Dala was female, although in this paragraph Noel describes two male characters. Is Dala the little girl with the severed head?
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| And at that moment, the front door opened. |
Delete and.
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| “Alice, you in the dinning room?” |
Dining room
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| “Honey, why don’t you run upstairs and play for a while okay.” |
Question mark instead of a period.
[quote] Noel nodded, a big smile playing across her face, and into the living room and up the stairs. [quote]
Noel nodded, a big smile playing across her face. She ran into the living room and up the stairs.
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| Robert wasn’t sure about what he should say just looked at his wife. |
Robert wasn't sure what he should say. End of sentence.
You don't need this to start a new scene. Just skip a couple lines and everyone will know that it is a different day.
Question mark instead of period.
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| By her discription, they don't sound like the most childish of imaginary creature. |
Creatures, plural since there are two of them.
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| “I’ll talk to her about it when she gets home,” she reassured. |
I think it would read better if you wrote Alice reassured her.
Delete this, you don't need it to start a new scene. And if you intend to do this throughout the entire story it will start to get on the reader's nerves.
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| Noel called, running into the dinning room. |
Dining room.
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| She returned, empty handed, and sat down in the chair across the table where a notebook and some crayons lay waiting. |
delete empty handed, it sounds redundant.
Have Noel fight a bit more at the end. Kids are pretty stubborn and don't apologize that quickly. Noel needs to insist that Dala and Theol are real, otherwise it doesn't seem realistic. One other thing, why is everything taking place in the dining room? Can you move the scenes around a little bit, give us a few more details about the surroundings. Other than that I think this story has a lot of potential. Good job! |
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Moriah Leila
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 117
Reviews: 55
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:56 am Post subject: |
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I think this is a great beginning. Your plot is very strong and your characters are interesting. However, I would like more of a physical description of Noel and her parents.
Some other suggestions:
I apologize if I repeat something that has already been covered, I did not have the time to read the other critiques.
| Quote: |
| Lend time to consumer her. |
Consume
| Quote: |
| hungrily eye the babe along side him. |
Hungrily eyed the babe alongside him.
| Quote: |
| Only he doesn’t teacher about letters and numbers.” |
Teach. And I thought that Dala was female, although in this paragraph Noel describes two male characters. Is Dala the little girl with the severed head?
| Quote: |
| And at that moment, the front door opened. |
Delete and.
| Quote: |
| “Alice, you in the dinning room?” |
Dining room
| Quote: |
| “Honey, why don’t you run upstairs and play for a while okay.” |
Question mark instead of a period.
[quote] Noel nodded, a big smile playing across her face, and into the living room and up the stairs. [quote]
Noel nodded, a big smile playing across her face. She ran into the living room and up the stairs.
| Quote: |
| Robert wasn’t sure about what he should say just looked at his wife. |
Robert wasn't sure what he should say. End of sentence.
You don't need this to start a new scene. Just skip a couple lines and everyone will know that it is a different day.
Question mark instead of period.
| Quote: |
| By her discription, they don't sound like the most childish of imaginary creature. |
Creatures, plural since there are two of them.
| Quote: |
| “I’ll talk to her about it when she gets home,” she reassured. |
I think it would read better if you wrote Alice reassured her.
Delete this, you don't need it to start a new scene. And if you intend to do this throughout the entire story it will start to get on the reader's nerves.
| Quote: |
| Noel called, running into the dinning room. |
Dining room.
| Quote: |
| She returned, empty handed, and sat down in the chair across the table where a notebook and some crayons lay waiting. |
delete empty handed, it sounds redundant.
Have Noel fight a bit more at the end. Kids are pretty stubborn and don't apologize that quickly. Noel needs to insist that Dala and Theol are real, otherwise it doesn't seem realistic. One other thing, why is everything taking place in the dining room? Can you move the scenes around a little bit, give us a few more details about the surroundings. Other than that I think this story has a lot of potential. Good job! |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Jul 2007
Posts: 382
Reviews: 107
Country: anywhere there's pen and paper
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Lilith, sorry I took so long to crit this - I suddenly became very busy. 
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“I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand your game,” Dala grumbled, digging her talons into the supple wood of the toddlers crib, leaving a trail of archaic patterns in her wake. This part doesn't make sense as others have said (why are there archaic patterns and how does it happen?), either try to clear it up a bit or just get rid of it, kay 
“What don’t you understand?” Theol barked through venom-soaked fangs as he eyed the small child through the flimsy bars of her crib.
Dala spun away from the bundle of flesh and pressed her back against the wall defiantly. “Well, why one so young? That thing can’t be more than two summers aged. It’s not like she’ll even be able to fight your magic.”
“That’s precisely the idea, dear Dala.” Her black eyes examined him suspiciously, expecting a more extensive explanation. I agree with Sorsha2, there are too many ex words with ths sentence, grab a thesauras and try making this flow a bit better. He didn’t deny her the knowledge and continued, “I won’t finish her off just yet. We’ve watched men at the peaks of they’re existence fall under the insanity of the Nightmares in less than a fortnight. We’ve watched the brightest minds of the times fall under our magic without so much as a whimper of a fight. Creeepy.
“But I won’t do the same with this one. We’ll make it gradual. Lend time to consumer her. I want to build her up and watch her fall rather than simply pushing her off the edge and waiting for her to splatter on the ground below.” Creeepy.
“Really, Theol, you are the master of your craft,” Dala praised, seeing the perversion in his plan. She took a single lengthy stride to stand at the hunched demon’s side and hungrily eye the babe along side him. Excellent imagery!
The magic was so simple. The whisk of his aged hand over the child’s face and ancient words muttered in a nameless language that had been forgotten by all but a few. This sentence is a bit of a fragment the way you have it phrased because you start with "The whisk" so the sentence should end with some type of reaction because you started it with "The whisk", try rephrasing it. (Sorry if I didn't make any sense, I'm not sure how to explain it - if you're confused just read the sentence over and over until you find what I mean.)
“May this be your last restful night for you will soon know a new sleep,” I think this sentence needs a comma in-between "night" and "for" to make the sentence flow better. Theol growled under his breath. “Dala dear, will you hunt for me tonight, I think I shall watch the little one.”
Under any other circumstance, Dala would have spit back that it wasn’t her job to feed him, but she was far too awed by the twisted workings of her master’s mind to do anything but nod her head and fade out of sight to prowl the dreamscape.
Theol stood by the crib until dawn, humming long-forgotten lullabies. She stirred only once, curled her pudgy hands into fists, and continued sleeping. Instead of identifying the baby by saying "She stirred" I think that it would be much more powerful if you started it with "The baby stirred" or the "The infant stirred". Also, instead of saying "curled" the sentence would flow better with "curling"
Three Years Later
“Honey, what have you got there?” Alice Flincher took the picture from her daughter’s giving hands and immediately pulled back, revolted. Without a second glance at the drawing, she pressed it face down on the table.
Noel’s helpless green eyes gazed up at her mother, shocked by her response. “Is it bad mommy?” She was on the brink of tears.
“Oh, of course not,” Alice consoled her. “But tell me why you would draw something so…scary?” I think you should put a "sweetie" in there to show her mother's affection better - if she isn't an affectionate mother then forget what I said  she hesitated, searching for a word the five-year-old would understand.
“That’s the girl in my dreams,” Noel took the picture off the table and pointed to the shadow-black figure; the one with a severed head in her hand. “And that’s her teacher, like Ms. Olsen at school. Only he doesn’t teacher I think you mean "teach her" about letters and numbers.” And again she pointed, this time to a haggard monster with a steeply hunching back and fangs dripping in blood. “He says he’s the Master of Nightmares. Mommy, what’s a nightmare?” Who's the girl in the picture's teacher? The way you have this explained is that there are two people in the picture but she talks about three (at least, she only points to two people). Try to clear this up.
Alice looked down at her daughter and tried to understand the curious look on her little girl’s face. “Well, a nightmare is like a dream. But it’s a very scary dream. Noel, have you dreamt about these two before?” Again, you need something like a "honey" or "darling" she just seems so cold to her child.
“Sometimes I don’t see them when I’m dreaming but they talk to me when I’m asleep. Dala can be mean sometimes but Theol makes her behave.”
And at that moment, the front door opened. The "and" isn't needed at all, it takes away from the power of the last paragraph.
“Alice, you in the dinning room?” Robert called from the hall. There was a thud as he set his suitcase down on the hardwood floor.
“Yeah,” she called back then looked down at Noel. “Honey, why don’t you run upstairs and play for a while okay.” Yay, a "honey"! 
Noel nodded, a big smile playing across her face, and into the living room and up the stairs. There isn't any type of verb explaining what Noel is doing - put something like "she scampered into the living room and up the stairs" or something. Robert plowed into the room seconds later, bent down to kiss his wife, then took a seat at the table along with her. The word "plowed" seems a bit dramatic for this part in the story, also it makes him seem extremely obese (or at least to me ) I think that just a simple "Robert came into the room" would suffice for something so mundane.
They were silent for a while, just looking at each other. Alice, concerned. Robert, confused. “Is something wrong?”
She nodded once. “It’s Noel. I’ve heard her talking about them before comma needed right here but never like she did today. Back when those dreams of hers started they were nameless and – I assumed – harmless. Just imaginary friends. But she drew this awful picture just now. One of them was holding a severed head and the other had fangs dripping with blood. The past tense is confusing, it needs to be in present tense for the descriptions of the monsters. I’m worried about her.”
Robert wasn’t sure about what he should say period then a "He" just looked at his wife. "Looked" isn't very strong for this part in the story, I think somebody mentioned before that you should put "stared", that's a good one. Or maybe do, "He just looked dumbly at his wife" if that's what you were going for.
“You don’t have a clue, do you?” Alice answered for him.
“I don’t.”
Only Days Later
“Mrs. Flincher.”
Alice held the phone to her ear with her shoulder, her hands busily drying dishes. “This is she.”
“It’s Ms. Olsen-”
“Did something happen to Noel?” Alice asked, setting down the frying pan she had been drying.
“No, no, nothing has happened. I need to talk to you about her though. Now, I realize it's normal for children to tell stories, but today, I heard Noel talking about someone called Theol and another one, Dala. By her description, they don't sound like the most childish of imaginary creatures. Did you know anything about this? ”
“I’m afraid so, and I’m worried about it. She says that they’re a part of these nightmares that she has,” Alice considered mentioning the picture but thought better of it. “I’ll talk to her about it when she gets home,” she reassured.
“Okay then, good-bye Mrs. Flincher.” This sentence is a little short seeming, put in more of a reaction for Ms. Olsen.
“Good-bye Ms. Olsen.” This one is too short also, try something like "Thank you for your concern, Ms. Olsen. Good-bye."
That Afternoon
“Mom, look what we made today,” Noel called, running into the dinning room. Alice was sitting at the table, sorting through the checkbook.
“Oh isn’t that cute.” She took the paper-plate lion from Noel, careful of the golden yarn mane and the pink felt nose. “We’ll have to put him on the fridge.”
“I’ll do it,” Noel squealed, taking the lion from her mothers hands and rushing into the kitchen. She returned, empty handed, and sat down in the chair across the table where a notebook and some crayons lay waiting.
“Honey, Mr. Olsen called today.”
Noel looked up, stunned. “Why? I wasn’t naughty, promise.” The word "naughty" seems a little out of place coming from a 5 year old (they use that word more for christmas) try something like "Why? I wasn't being bad, promise." Or "Why? I wasn't being a bad girl, promise."
“It wasn’t because you were naughty being bad. She said you were talking about the people in your dreams,” Alice looked down at her daughter seriously.
“Michael at school told me that he had a bulldog who was meaner than anything but I told him that Dala was meaner than his bulldog,” Noel began. “But Michael says that Dala doesn’t count cause she’s not real but I said that if she wasn’t real, than neither was Theol. And then he said I was lying.”
“Baby, I hate to tell you this but they aren’t real. Dala and Theol, they’re just make believe.”
“I’m sorry mommy.” This needs something like "Noel said abruptly" after what she said.
Alice was shocked. “What are you sorry for?”
“I lied. I’m sorry. I’ll never say anything about Dala or Theol again. Promise.” |
Overall, very good! Excellent job! You're great at descriptions and this flows really well.
However, you don't have a lot of character development in this prologue. Everyone seems a little cut-n-dry with nothing special about them (that's for everyone except Dala and Theol - although they could use a bit more development). At least try to describe what they look like so the reader can get a picture of them in their mind.
I really liked this, I'm off to read more.
~Once |
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