Topic ID: 3256
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| Any good? :P |
| ... I LOVE THIS |
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| ... :leaves this site and burns eyes out: |
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| Total Votes : 8 |
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Elizabeth
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 Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 12:12 am Post subject: I hate you my friend |
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(I was incredibly bored during Science and I was thinking of this girl I know...)
Hello my friend
I hope you are well.
I have something I've been wanting to tell you!
I hate you my friend.
I hate the way you smirk
The way you talk to all my friends
Your flat, peachy, monkey face
Your positive attitude towards life
Your suck-uppy-ness towards others
Your charm, your grace
The way you smell
Like lilacs and baby powder
And most of all I hate the way you talk
"Thank you so much!" and
"I'm incredibly sorry, please forgive me"
No my dearest friend, forgive me
For being there for you when you cried
For being your friend
Your emotional counselor
Your faithful advisor
And your matchmaker
...
Well, I'll call you later! |
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Last edited by Elizabeth on Sat Jun 11, 2005 11:51 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Armadian
Greggles
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 12:14 am Post subject: |
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| Wow so much emotion. Is this someone i know also? Wait I know that answer. I liked it. |
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Teeeeo.
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 12:14 am Post subject: |
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O.o I know who this is about... But I won't say who... *looks around*
I like this poem, especially since it is all true... |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
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Armadian
Greggles
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 12:29 am Post subject: |
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| very true....... |
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Shadow Knight
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 12:42 am Post subject: |
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| lolzors, Nice. |
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Darkmoon158
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 1:05 am Post subject: |
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| I liked your poem. It had nice rhythm, like I always say, poems don't have to rhyme to have good rhythm...ok I don't really go around saying that....just so you know. I love your new word too...suck-uppy-ness...well tomorrow I'm going to be using that I know it. |
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kutestuff003
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 3:53 am Post subject: |
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| yea this "person" or "it" is very annoying...shes so stupid..and she keeps hitting on..well don't need to say |
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Writersdomain
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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It did have a lot of emotions... yes, and I thought you expressed it very well. Here's some crit
Hello my friend (interesting choice for beginning. Not bad, but interesting)
I hope you are well. (Is this supposed to be sarcastic? I wasn't sure, but anyways, good line)
I have something I've been wanting to tell you!
I hate you. (I think you should add 'my friend' after 'you' to make it sound like the title)
I hate the way you smile (Smile? Perhaps smirk would be a better word if you hate it)
The way you talk, your face (I think you should add some adjectives here to describe face)
Your attitude towards life [positive] (What's the [positive] about?)
Your suck-uppy-ness towards others (nice word  )
Your charm, you grace ('Your grace', I think you meant)
The way you smell
Like lilacs and baby powder (good description)
And most of all I hate the way you talk
"Thank you so much!" and
"I'm incredibly sorry, please forgive me"
No my dearest friend, forgive me (good lines)
For being there for you when you cried (Perhaps you should reword this to be a little more powerful. Tis up to you, but it would make bring more impact)
For being your friend (Those last few lines were clever)
Your emotional counselur (It's counselor, not counselur)
Your helpful advisor (Perhaps 'faithful' would be a better word. I just don't like 'helpful' in that line for some reason)
And your matchmaker (Matchmaker? Hm... interesting. You might want to expound on that or explain it somehow.)
...
Well, I'll call you later! (Was this part of the poem? I couldn't tell) |
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Misty
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 8:52 pm Post subject: ... |
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| oh...wow. K, definately not my kind of poem...since I'm probably just like your friend (without thes stuck-uppy-ness) But I did like the ending of it though. "Well, I'll call you later!" It's just like Jr. High. |
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Kylie J
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 9:06 pm Post subject: |
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| The last line does have the Jr. High sense, like Misty Lynn said, and if that's what you were going for, you got it. Personally, I would take out the last line - it takes away from the overall angry tone of the poem and makes you, the author, sound undecided. |
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Ceylon
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, so much emotion.
Well, the poem itself is very creative. You could have done a better job with the transition (line 4 to 5). It's really sudden and a little tiny bit awkward. Except that, I love your poem (especially the part where it says"suck-uppy-ness." LOL. I know it's not a word, but it's so funny.) |
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