Hee. Hello everyone! I have been (to the point of driving myself to distraction) re-working the Prologue of Diary of a Villain. I was trying a new angle recently and wanted some feedback (though I am planning on working on the rest of the novel from here on out, so I might not act on advice until later). Thanks in advance everyone!
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“You’re dead, you know,” the demon pointed out tactlessly. To his annoyance, she kept walking. She was quite something, walking single-mindedly through the streets in nothing but the sorry excuse for a gown given to souls when they were granted their temporary ‘body’.
“Even if you died at the same time, the chances that you actually arrived at the same time are very slim. Some souls spend centuries in transit,” he informed her more loudly. By now, souls were turning to watch as the six foot black demon chased after the little soul.
Yazra stopped walking. She turned on the heels of her new ‘body’ and grabbed the collar of his shirt, the element of surprise allowing to drag him down until his green rimmed solid black eyes were level with hers. For a moment, the shock of staring into such bizarre eyes left her stunned, but she quickly recovered and a frown set itself across her face.
“Stop. Following. Me.” She let go roughly, pushing him back in the same movement, then marched on.
Veresh stood there, stunned for a moment, before a grin crept across his face. She was pretty hot. He pulled a pack of cigars from the pocket of his sports jacket and lit one up. He’d have to thank Esten for pointing him in her direction.
“Hold up there princess,” he said, keeping pace with her easily. She didn’t respond, her eyes darting from face to face as if she actually expected the soul she was looking for would appear as she walked by.
“How long have you been here?” he asked calmly.
“A few days, perhaps,” she said without conviction. Veresh wasn’t surprised he’d been alerted to her presence so soon; the after-life administration didn’t like rogue souls wandering around unchecked.
“And how much of your sentence have you played off so far?” he asked patiently.
“None,” she admitted with a resigned sigh. Verehs paused, surprised.
“Have you at least got your day card?”
“What card?” She asked, obviously uninterested.
“You go to the welcome office. You get your card. They loan you some days and you use them to get yourself a place in the newcomer’s block and food. Without your card you can’t pay off your sentence,” Veresh said patronizingly.
Yazra started laughing, and then she turned and continued on her way.
“I thought I was dead,” she said, annoyance in her tone.
“Yes, correct. You died, and now you’re in the afterlife.”
“And why do I need to eat if I am dead?”
Veresh sighed. Had she not been listening to anything at orientation?
“The food here is really just the glue that keeps your soul in your after-body. Without it you’ll lose your body and no one will give you a new one.”
Yazra stared at him for a moment, then started to laugh.
“What?” he demanded.
“I do not care,” she said simply through her snickers.
Veresh gaped. She had absolutely no grasp or concern to the fact she was dead and completely unaware of how the after-life worked. She was just going to march around until she found the soul she was looking for.
He wished he’d had as much guts when he’d first arrived. He grinned—he’d just have to help her out.
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Feedback Questions!
1) What confuses you?
2) I have never done conversations before. Not well, anyways. What do you think of this one and how do you think I am improve it?
3)Did you find this at all interesting? If this was how the story started, would you keep reading?
4) I also considered comming at this part of the story from two other spots: The first would be the next day, after Yazra has accepted Veresh's help and from there I would sort of allow readers to figure out her situation. The second would be many weeks later once the two have a well established relaitonship, in whcih case a lot of details might have to be revealed through telling or reflexions. Do you think either of these aproaches might be better?
p.s to old DoaV readers: There was no update PM for this since I did not want to distress your spirits by letting you think I was going to re-work the prologue again. I am not (yet). You will get a nice pretty PM letting you know when Part 1 of the new Chapter One is finished (featuring a new version of Yazra that saved me from dumping DoaV for a veeeery long time)
