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The Birds
The Birds

by lukas8u in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 3, 2008
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Autumnwood

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Israeli_Camel   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:38 am    Post subject: Autumnwood Reply with quote

Days in Autumnwood were always pleasurable and sunny. The breeze was always gentle. It was beautiful and quiet. One could always smell the flowers or hear the running of rivers. The terrain was marvelous. The green grass was soft to touch and breathtaking to see. There was a big yellow sun and numerous white clouds in the blue sky. Some folk in Autumnwood believed that the sun and also the moon were gods that looked upon the world with either smiles or frowns. Smiles supposedly meant good luck and a bright future. Frowns meant bad luck and often plague. The inhabitants of Autumnwood always asked for smiles from these gods. But when someone passed on or thunderstorms came, this meant that gods were frowning upon Autumnwood. The worst things that ever happened in this place were the deaths of the old or sick and mild thunderstorms. Throughout its known history, there was actually only one day when such a tranquil place suffered tragedy. This took place around 500 years ago. That event is merely a children's story now. Many believed that this awful time was the one and only bad happening, and that nothing like it would occur again. Alas, this was wrong.

The inhabitants of Autumnwood were not humans, fairies, or any other creature resembling that of the human form. They were squirrels. Flying squirrels, red squirrels, gray squirrels, tree squirrels, ground squirrels, and even marmots populated Autumnwood. Not a vast population, nor a tiny group, but a perfect number of about 700 squirrels spent their lives in a forested, grassy land. As anyone should guess, autumn happened to be the greatest and most loved season of Autumnwood. These squirrels were intelligent, adaptive, and unique. They had developed a writing and learning system that they used to teach young. The squirrels of Autumnwood, which part of the population was beavers, were able to adapt to making homes. These special rodents also created their own myths, languages, and culture. They had their own holidays, and even carved statues representing lost family members and certain gods. The squirrels developed yearly calendars and maps. And most of all, they had a government. Their democracy was simple yet good. Instead of a president or King, they had a Chief. The current Chief was an excellent leader and decision maker.

It was Saturday. Three young, female gray squirrels were playing in a flower bed nearby their homes. The oldest, Daisy, was the biggest of two sisters. Her younger sister, Rose, was the littler of the two. The youngest squirrel, Blossom, was a friend of Rose. They were having fun.

Daisy could have been accepted as a teenager. She was shy, graceful, and smart. She was a brilliant student and sculptor. As a bigger sister, she was often kept responsible for watching her sibling. Rose was cheerful, quick, and talented. She was always making up interesting but not true stories, and always was happy. Blossom was sweet, attractive, and somewhat stealthy. On the side of being cute and popular, she could've earned the nickname " Sneaky", as she had the unusual talent of being unnoticed and had more guile then a thief.

Watching from a nearby oak tree, the Chief squirrel himself called upon a young adult male from a nearby branch. The Chief was a wise old gray squirrel who had a raspy voice and pale blue eyes. He was not the largest of all squirrels, and usually the Chief was supposed to be big. But this old chief was kind of small. He was so old in fact that he needed a tiny wooden cane to help him walk. At the top of the cane, there was a small acorn attached as a place for the Chief to grasp upon. The Chief's real name was Tom, but was referred to as Chief. The young adult male that Chief called upon was named Jorge. This male squirrel was a red squirrel. Jorge was a tough and responsible squirrel with a good personality. The reason Chief wanted Jorge was for him to watch the three young squirrels. The Chief was a good and alert leader, and cared for the safety of the three young squirrels. The reason he wanted someone as quick and strong as Jorge was because there was a dark rumor spreading of bloodthirsty, winged beasts roaming the area outside of Autumnwood. The Chief was growing old and needed a tougher and younger individual to guard the young squirrels from hawks. It seemed as though these squirrel eating birds were in search of food. The Chief was aware of this and decided to post guard anywhere he could.

Jorge asked curiously, "Chief? What have you called me?"

Chief replied, "For the same reason I put Jacob over by the river. And for the same reason I posted Rachel by the North Side. Jorge, I have a job for you. I want you to go down there and watch the young ones," the Chief pointed his cane where the female squirrels were playing, "Just in case the possibility of hawks."

Jorge suddenly gasped, "Hawks!?"

Chief calmly said, "Yes, yes. It is quite unfortunate to hear of such rumors. But I can't take any chances. The village of mice northwest of us has already suffered the loss of two male guards. No one knows exactly how they disappeared, but, I recall hearing that this village has had a witness see a great bird carry off a rat. That same rat the witness saw has been identified with an old retired guard from the same village. The bird can only be depicted as a hawk. But enough about that. Could you go down there to watch those children?"

Jorge said, “Yes sir!"

Then the male squirrel ran down the tree and stopped running just as he was in the flower bed. All three female squirrels stopped playing immediately and observed Jorge carefully.

Rose said, "Um, hello, sir."

Daisy carefully asked, "Who are you?"

Jorge said, "I'm Jorge. If you ladies don't mind, I've got to watch you all."

Rose said, "No, we don't mind. Why must you watch us?"

Jorge stated, "Never you mind, I've been entrusted with a job by the Chief. Let's just put it this way; I'm making sure you all are safe."

Daisy sighed, “Oh okay."

After about five minutes, the female squirrels were playing tag. Eventually, they were a few feet from the flower bed and further out into the wilderness. Jorge still had a sharp eye on them. Still watching from the oak tree, Chief noticed the four squirrels were slowly moving further from civilization. Chief knew that Jorge was doing his job, but decided to go down there himself to inform the three young girls that they were playing too far. The Chief swiftly tried to get to Jorge and the girls, and once he was able to reach them, he got Jorge's attention.

Chief informed, "Jorge, why don't we go back into town, it is getting late." The day was growing into night.

Jorge said confidently, "Don’t worry, I've got handled. We'll go back in a few minutes. It's not like some hawk is going to swoop down and carry off one of the girls, right?"

The next moment, Jorge was trapped in large talons and was being carried off by the biggest hawk any rodent had seen for years. A moment later, Jorge the squirrel was gone. Blossom screamed and nearly fainted. The Chief himself actually did faint. The next minute the Chief was up again and quickly told female squirrels, “Run!"

The four of them darted as quick as lightning towards the oak tree. As no one was a witness to the hawk carrying off Jorge besides Daisy, Rose, Blossom, and Chief, the word was not spread immediately.

Daisy said, "We’ve got to save him!"

Chief said, “Are you joking me? We can't do that, or more lives will be cost."

Daisy complained, "Or maybe no lives, if we could just rescue him!"

Blossom said, "Daisy and Rose, you two go first! I'll go back and get help for you two. Go!"

Chief protested, "No, or all three of you will die as well!" And with that, Daisy and Rose dashed in the direction of where the hawk took Jorge, and Blossom raced back into town. Chief moaned in sadness for Jorge, and as fast as he could, followed Blossom back into town.

Daisy and Rose had only got up to a high hill where they could see a giant nest. It was evening, and the two sisters decided that the nest belonged to the hawk. As they started to climb, Daisy and Rose had the fright of their life. A big bird head with a long beak and scary yellow eyes popped up from the nest. It was a hawk.

TO BE CONTINUED... maybe...


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Clo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 2:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Israeli_Camel! Welcome to YWS! *throws cookies at you*

First thing, ONE RULE: It is mandatory at YWS to post two reviews before you post your own work. Which you have not done. The rule is, you need a 2:1 reviews-to-posts ratio. Post something of yours, go review two works. It's only right. If I were you, I would go review some things right now.

Anyway, onto the review:

Quote:
Days in Autumnwood were always [try some other phrase here] pleasurable and sunny. The breeze was always gentle. It was beautiful and quiet. One could always smell the flowers or hear the running of rivers. The terrain was marvelous. The green grass was soft to touch and breathtaking to see. There was a big yellow sun and numerous white clouds in the blue sky.

You've got a lovely description going on here. But it's all a little choppy. Try combining some sentences here and there, like so, for example: "The breeze was always gentle, and it was beautiful and quite." and "The terrain was marvelous, the green grass soft to touch and breathtaking to see."

First Paragraph: You need to split this up into several smaller paragraphs. Right now, it's a big block of information. This deters readers.

Also:

Quote:
Throughout its known history, there was actually only one day when such a tranquil place suffered tragedy. This took place around 500 years ago. That event is merely a children's story now. Many believed that this awful time was the one and only bad happening, and that nothing like it would occur again. Alas, this was wrong.

Describe this day more. As it is now it's like "oh by the way, this day, FLASH, onto other things".

Quote:
700 squirrels spent their lives in a forested, grassy land

700 is a simple number - I think it would look better written out: seven hundred.

Quote:
Her younger sister, Rose, was the littler of the two

"Littler" sounds bad. Try "smaller".

Quote:

as she had the unusual talent of being unnoticed and had more guile then a thief.

Improper use of "then" here. Then is time-wise. Like: "I did this and then he did this and then I did that". What you need here is "than", which is for comparison, like you've got here.

Well, this is certainly interesting. I can't say I've ever read a story about squirrels. Comb this through for grammar and style errors though.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this, like the person above said, its good descriptiona and all but doesn't seem to flow very well.

i love the idea of the squirrels and the forest, the setting is great and its a really original concept, however I do think your writing is a little obvious. You could try <i> showing </i> what the characters are like by their interactions and adding little parts of their personalities instead of just listing their qualities.


All in all its a quirky piece, and could be really great if you worked on it a little more.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Israeli_Camel.

So, a bit of advice. It does sound a bit choppy throughout, not only in descriptions, but also in what the characters are saying. Try dividing some of the longer sentences with commas or split them. For example:

Quote:
Watching from a nearby oak tree, the Chief squirrel himself called upon a young adult male from a nearby branch. The Chief was a wise old gray squirrel who had a raspy voice and pale blue eyes. He was not the largest of all squirrels, and usually the Chief was supposed to be big (try a different word, like 'large'). But this old chief was kind of small. He was so old in fact that he needed a tiny wooden cane to help him walk. At the top of the cane, there was a small acorn attached as a place for the Chief to grasp upon. The Chief's real name was Tom, but was referred to as Chief. (You might want to mention this info earlier.) The young adult male that Chief called upon (you already said that- try not to repeat things) was named Jorge.


Quote:
Jorge said confidently, "Don't worry, I've got it handled.


Quote:
Chief said, Are you joking me? We can't do that, or more lives will be cost."


This doesn't sound quite right.

Quote:
Daisy and Rose had only got up to a high hill where they could see a giant nest.


This doesn't, either.

Like clograbby said, you might want to split some of the longer paragraphs into shorter ones. Just a suggestion, but know this- it makes most people 'give up', so to speak, when there is a bunch of black words and not a lot of white space. Readers (unless they enjoy law books) like white space- their subconscious says, "Whew, I can read that," if there is whiter space. Without it, they are more likely to go, "Oh, no, another textbook".

All in all, though, this is a great story. Keep writing, please, I want to know what happens.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The above-mentioned advice is good. Split some of your paragraphs, and try a little more showing and less telling.

Quote:
They had developed a writing and learning system that they used to teach young

Change to something like: They had a school system that they used to teach the young. There they learned how to<blah blah> and write and read.

Quote:
The squirrels of Autumnwood, which part of the population was beavers, were able to adapt to making homes.


Change to: The citizens/villagers/whatever you prefer of Autumnwood, some of which were beavers, we able to adapt to making homes.

Quote:
These special rodents also created their own myths, languages, and culture
You've already mentioned that they have their own writing system, so it's natural to assume that they, of course, have their own language. This flaw isn't that serious, however.

Quote:
He was not the largest of all squirrels, and usually the Chief was supposed to be big. But this old chief was kind of small

I would condense this. Something like: Though chief squirrels were supposed to be big, this one was rather small.

Quote:
Jorge asked curiously, "Chief? What have you called me? for."


Quote:
The Chief himself actually did faint. The next minute the Chief was up again and quickly told thefemale squirrels, "Run!"


Quote:
It was a hawk.
You've already mention it was a hawk. See...?

[quote]The next moment, Jorge was trapped in large talons and was being carried off by the biggest hawk any rodent had seen for years.[quote]
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Since my learned friends above have given you a thorough breakdown of what you need to fix, I will just give you my perspective.

I'm not sure, but have you read the Redwall series? This seems awfully similar to that. Perhaps this is where your inspiration comes from. I know I draw on books I read or songs I hear while writing original works.

While indeed you have given us a good idea of the physical differences, your squirrels seem very much alike, save for the Chief. Why is it that this particular Chief is so time-worn? Was this a particular choice to impact on the story? Or has this some relevance on the appearance of the hawks?

Also, why is Jorge taken when he was the one supposed to be watching them? As a larger squirrel, he should have been able to at least attempt to fight it off.

But on the whole, I have to say it is an engaging beginning to the story. Please, I'd be very interested to read the rest.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I'm not sure, but have you read the Redwall series? This seems awfully similar to that. Perhaps this is where your inspiration comes from.


*nods agreement* This does sound a lot like the Redwall series. My suggestion? Read them, focusing on how Brian Jaques tells the tale- he is, after a ll, a true Wordsmith.

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