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Luvzi12
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 Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: SpiderBite Beach |
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I left my letter on the beach
hoping it was out of reach,
but nasty spiders crawled inside
and smothered my teddybear.
I'm not scared,
I'll shake you out the window
and the beach will look beautiful
and make me feel at peace,
Until I see my letter
floating out to sea
available for anyone to read
and the spiders are biding their time
until they can come back and bite me. |
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Wojovox
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:14 am Post subject: .... |
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so you have a teddybear in a letter?
must be a very tiny teddybear or a very large letter. Either one, I don't find many spiders at the beach, maybe crabs, but no spiders. I don't understand the metaphor you are trying to reach with the spiders, but the name Spider-bite beach has a good ring to it.
maybe your teddybear is your lover and theres a picture of him inside.
Still sitting here confused, what's with the spiders and how is it when they're gone is when you will have your peace? |
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andimlovegalore
I'm not a failure I swear
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:49 am Post subject: Re: SpiderBite Beach |
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| Luvzi12 wrote: |
I left my letter on the beach
hoping it was out of reach,
but nasty spiders crawled inside
and smothered my teddybear. |
Wow, strange image there. This poem feels like a cute little indie song. These words are strange and scary and obscure, but also quite cute like a child.
Teddybear sounds a bit funny tacked on the end there, up until now I always thought teddy bear would always be two words but I checked and you were right. Maybe that's the only reason it looks odd to me ^_~
| Luvzi12 wrote: |
I'm not scared,
I'll shake you out the window
and the beach will look beautiful
and make me feel at peace, |
Should be a full stop instead of a comma at the end, maybe?
I love this stanza the most, I like the way you use words a lot. Very simplistic and sweet, pretty.
| Luvzi12 wrote: |
Until I see my letter
floating out to sea
available for anyone to read
and the spiders are biding their time
until they can come back and bite me. |
This is a great one, no problems at all.
This is a sweet poem, disturbing but cute. It sounds like it's written from the viewpoint of a child (because of the bear and the word "nasty" to describe spiders, in fact just the fear of spiders at all) and it manages to be a bit frightening but also very sweet and adorable. |
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Luvzi12
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks very much to both of you for your input! I'm not sure about the teddybear line either, but also the real story behind it involves a teddybear, so I kind of want to keep it. But the teddybear isn't in the letter, it's on a windowsill, so maybe I should add another stanza about me looking out my window, rather then just shaking the spiders out the window...
I'll work on it I think, but thanks again both!  |
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Wojovox
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:28 pm Post subject: |
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Glad we could help
Glad you took the criticism constructively |
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andimlovegalore
I'm not a failure I swear
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Reviews: 102
Country: England
1275 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:52 pm Post subject: |
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Pas de problème ^_^ I definately think you should mention the teddybear was on the window - that would make more sense I think. I thought it was just...with the letter? I'm not sure.
Anyway =] good luck x |
_________________
"Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?"
"Colon Explorer?"
"You know what I'm saying."
The Boosh is loose and we're a little bit raw.
Free reviews! Clicky. =D |
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